YOU GOTTA BE F--KING KIDDING ME

NO FUCKING CRIS CARTER IN THE HALL, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES?!!! What, since Art Monk got in you filled up your COMPLETELY IMAGINARY, ARBITRARY AND FUCKING IDIOTIC RECEIVER QUOTA?! No room for the greatest sideline receiver in NFL history?

I hope you get fucking angina.

Hey, Hall of Fame voters, I'd like to induct you into my asshole. Be sure to wear a yellow blazer and a protective helmet, you fucking fucks. I watched every game this asshole played for 11 goddamn years AND I DON'T EVEN LIKE HIM. What, does everyone have to wait to get their just due now? Five years not enough? Is this the fucking Oscars now?

AND ANDRE TIPPETT GETS IN OVER DERRICK THOMAS?!

Kiss my fucking dick.

IT'S A CELEBRATION, BITCHES!

HOLY SHIT! THEY LET TWO(!) REDSKINS IN THE HALL OF FAME(!), AT ONCE!

DARRELL GREEN?! FIRST BALLOT!

ART MONK?!?! FINALLY!!!

I JUST CRAPPED MY PANTS! AND I DON'T EVEN CARE!


I'm still not anywhere near Canton. Ohio blows.

This post was written by Jake Jarmel and edited by Elaine Benes.

The Giants Might Not Want to Show Too Much in Practice Today

Because, y'know, New England is probably filming it.

Just Taking It One Dog Year At a Time

You don't know what it's meant to have you in my life, girl. There were times there when I looked at this frayed coat of mine, these puncture wounds on my face and torso, and I didn't think anyone would be capable of loving me.

The things I saw there, at Bad Newz, that's some shit you can't unsee.

I've found peace here at Best Friends. A peace I never knew possible. My life up to this point was consumed with ugly destruction from fights and uglier creation from the rape stand. Here, the walkies are tremendous and when I hump your leg, it's mind-blowing, baby. It's love.

DON'T COME UP BEHIND ME!!!!

Whew. I'm sorry to do that...it's, it's just a real downer, man. I can't take it sometimes. It's, like, the only others I can relate to are the other 46 who survived that place. You can try to understand, but unless you were there, I just don't think it's possible. I can't quite put it into barks. That's just the bond I have with them. It's different with you, but it's no less special.

AAAAAAHHHH STOP RAISING YOUR VOICE!!!

Wwwhhhaa. Okay, whatever it is, just write it down and slip the note under my paw. It's okay. It's okay. We cool. We cool. Can you just hand me that milkbone? No, that one over there. Yeah, I know I don't have any teeth anymore. I just like to gum it a little.

Yeah. That's it. Oh yeah. It's gonna be aaaaaaalllllllllllllright.

Fictional Cheerleader Biography: Kerey

This is Kerey.

She feels as though the Patriots' success this season is owed in some part to her performance as a cheerleader.

It is not.

As a youth, she had a bit of a rebellious streak. She was almost held back one year of high school for skipping too many days, but fortunately her parents were friends with the principal. She voted for Ralph Nader in the 2000 election, because a communist boyfriend she had at the time told her she should. When he was 17, she brought home a black man she was dating for a major family function.

He was never heard from again.

The cheerleaders at her high school were mostly plain and Kerey looked down upon them. One time, some of her friends kidnapped one of them and let the girl loose in the woods 30 miles out of town. It was a particularly freezing evening and the cheerleader developed severe frost bite. So severe, in fact, that she had to have one of her legs amputated.

Kerey still laughs about it during TV timeouts.

KSK Celebrity Pickkake: Keith Olbermann

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in the Pink Taco! Up next, it's MSNBC anchor Keith Olbermann!

As someone intimately familiar with both the worlds of sport and politics, I can say with only the utmost certainty that each is populated with the same villainous archetype: the furtive, pusillanimous but ultimately cocksure abusers of power bent on the realization of any goal, no matter how dastardly, at any cost, no matter how inimical.

By now, after seven years, we know it to be too true of this White House, controlled and cruelly engineered as it is by Vice President Dick Cheney.

[Shakes head in disgust]

But we find it all too evident in the NFL as well, purportedly a world of meritocracy, where only the truly great can achieve the ultimate prize, there underlies an ugly truth. As we were raised with the fiction that any man could grow up to be president, only those capable of backroom dealing and deception can be a Super Bowl champion.

This Patriots team - arrogating a persona which bespeaks liberty, valor and righteousness - in reality stands in a decided, calculated counterpoise. Have you no sense of decency, sirs? At long last, have you no decency?

Is it mere coincidence that the same man, Sen. Arlen Specter, who has taken a stand against George W. Bush on matters of overreaching on national security, has taken the NFL to task for its shameful decision to allow the Patriots to bend the rules with near impunity? It stands to reason that it is not.

[Shakes head in disgust]

Edward R. Murrow once said, "We can deny our heritage and our history, but we cannot escape responsibility for the result. There is no way for a citizen of a republic to abdicate his responsibilities. As a nation we have come into our full inheritance at a tender age. We proclaim ourselves, as indeed we are, the defenders of freedom, wherever it continues to exist in the world, but we cannot defend freedom abroad by deserting it at home."

See how that confers on me an air of gravitas? Quoting Murrow all the time? He was a beacon of journalistic integrity because he smoked a lot and had a really deep voice. Like the James Earl Jones of whities.

That is why I am calling for following:

The Giants of New York to score 27 points, one for each of the amendments to our nation's founding document, the lifeblood of democracy, for which a win by the Giants surely strikes a blow.

Similarly, those lowly, cowardly, would-be Patriots be held to no more than 10 points, mirroring the number of Commandments that they break with each passing day. I am a man of complexity. I know life is full of gradations and gray areas, but I know with every truth-seeking bone in my body that this team is nothing less than the full embodiment of evil.

And so good night, and good luck.

Eeeeeeeevil Peyton!

MWAHAHAHAHAHA! Arizona police will never find the tanks of deadly CX gas I've hidden under the stadium! None will survive! No one will ever outshine me! MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

via Stampede Blue

KSK Celebrity Pickkake: Project Runway

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in the Pink Taco! Up next, it's the cast of Project Runway!

Tim Gunn: Sooooo... talk to me people. How we doing? Super Bowl picks?

Christian: Patriots by 13. This pick is too fabulous to be wrong. I'm too fabulous to be wrong.

God that was easy. What's taking everyone so long?

(/gets beaten to death by people who weren't homophobic until they saw him)

Gunn: Amazing. Fabulous. Jillian?

Jillian: I don't know. I just don't know if I have time to make this pick. I think the score will be tied at ten after the first quarter, then a Patriots touchdown on a Randy Moss catch-and-run give them the lead before both teams turn it over on consecutive possessions, and I know I want the final result to be a Giants win outright, but now I don't know if I'm going to have the time to finish this insanely detailed prediction. I'm not sure if this is going to work out. Maybe if I can glue some touchdowns on Plaxico? Oh God I hope this works.

Rami: I think Jillian's pick is really daring. She's just a really talented prognosicator.

(/eye-fucks Jillian)

Jillian: (/blushes and smiles)

Rami: I tried to make my pick a little more sophisticated. I mean, there's a history of Super Bowl blowouts when an excellent team faces an outmatched opponent from a weaker conference. Niners-Chargers in XXIX, Redskins-Broncos in XXII, Niners-Broncos in XXIV. So I like the Pats by 30.

(/eye-fucks Jillian more)

Gunn: I like it. Daring.

Elisa: I took a bath in vinegar once. It put me in touch with my soul.

Ricky: I...

(/begins crying)

I didn't think picking a winner would be... so... hard.

(/wipes tears from face)

(/wears stupid fucking hat)

Sweet P: ...Giants by 20?

Gunn: Oh no. Nonononononono. Sweet P. What. Are. You. Thinking?

Sweet P: I thought it's kind of hip...

Gunn: Hippity-dippity, more like. Make it work!

Sweet P: (/furiously reworks prediction)

(/new prediction still sucks)

Heidi Klum: Then we've reached our decision?

Patriots, you have won all of your 18 games so far this season. But your year was marred by a videotaping scandal that was completely unnecessary for a team of your talent. In addition, one of your key defensive players was suspended four games for using human growth hormone, and your fans are insufferable morons. We want you push the limits at Project Runway, but at times you have pushed them too far.

Giants, you've come a long way from where you started. The judges are impressed by your perseverance, but we're not sure you have the raw talent to survive a Super Bowl against a more talented, more experienced team with a far better coach.

(/dramatic pause)

Patriots, you're in. Giants, you're out. Auf Wiedersehen!

(/gets masturbated to)

A Bettors Christmas

Welcome to a Super special edition of Always Be Covering. It's that time. It's the Super Bowl...

She looks tasty.

Fuck.

I really wish this day had never come.

There's no doubt that it's a day to be celebrated, but it also reminds us of what we'll be missing.

No, I'm not talking about the Super Bowl. I'm obviously talking about the debut of Prescription Vending Machines in the state of California.

And you thought ATM muggings were a problem...
Holy crap, this is brilliant. Now I'm not saying that I partake in the whole marijuana thing, but as a Libertarian I am quite pleased. Sure these marijuana dispensers require a prepaid card linked to a doctor's prescription along with a fingerprint identification, but migraines seem pretty common these days. But why are they so far away?

Anyways, let's get on to the bet of the year...

The Big Game Teaser
Both lines teased 6 points. Odds: 10/11

I don't really feel like going back into the archives to see how many teasers I've lost this year, but I trust one of you fuckwads will take up the task yourselves. Yeah, teasers are crappy bets and I still don't fucking care.

Am I some sort of expert gambler?
No.

Have I won any money this season?
Probably not.

Do I sound like David Lookner?
Absolutely!

Alright, fuck it all. Here's the bet...

New England -5.5 vs. New York
Total Score Over 48.5

Yep, it's that easy. Enjoy the game everybody. Oh, and don't bother with work on Monday. That's for the womenfolk.


So help me God, the first person who comments to tell me I got the line wrong will have the corpse of their most recently deceased relative violated in a most unseemly manor.

Image via America's Next Pot Model

Halftime Opening Song: "Learning to Fly" vs. "American Girl" WHO YA GOT?

It's the duty of all Super Bowl organizers to find long-in-the-tooth, formerly respectable artists and make them play their most anodyne hits for the overexcited nitwits on the field and the bored drunk people at home. That didn't stop Prince from rocking shit last year, but how will Tom Petty fare? Got something upbeat? That's going in the playlist. Something about America, or at least has the words "America" or "American" in the title? You beat your hippie ass you're playing that. But which will be first? WHO YA GOT?

Contestants

"Learning to Fly"_______"American Girl"

Recorded

1991_________1976

Song actually about

Drugs___________Girls from America who enjoy drugs

Length comparison

1.0 = .891

Present day use

Movie trailers__________Car commericials

Allmusic.com pretention

LtF: "It's pleasant but never really goes anywhere -- up or down -- but it's solid"

AG: "Guitarist Mike Campbell reels off a simple solo that develops into a rapid-fire arpeggio as the song makes its quick fade. It's over before it starts, really -- clean, simple, that's its appeal."

TV analyst mostly likely to dislike it

Bradshaw, who doesn't like learning___Joe Buck, who doesn't like girls

Finishing Move

Hairy nip slip______Playing some shitty single off a new album