LIVE from Pittsburgh: Does Anyone Have Aspirin?

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. I have just now arrived in Pittsburgh, where my hangover has really blossomed into a natural wonder. Early reports are that I went to the Deadspin one-year anniversary party and enjoyed three hours of open bar, where I showed considerable restraint for two hours before being overtaken by the notion of free bourbon. Dinner was not -- I repeat, not -- consumed.

The weather here in Pittsburgh is terrifying -- a freak blizzard dropped eight inches of snow early this morning, and presently the city is being buffered by torrential rain and 140-mph winds. The forecast is for a clear night, though, so as long as the Steelers can play tonight, it doesn't matter that the homes of 30,000 people have been destroyed while several hundred thousand more go without electricity or clean water. More details as they develop.

This is Captain Caveman, LIVE. IN PITTSBURGH. WHERE THE SEASON IS STARTING. Tonight. Reporting live from where the season is starting, in Pittsburgh, home of the five-time and reigning champion Steelers, the Steel City, from where I am reporting. From Pittsburgh, in the far eastern section of Ohio, I'm Captain Caveman.

Bukkake, With Ketchup!

This is Drew reporting LIVE from Pittsburgh. I'm actually in Heinz Field as we speak. That's me over there. Section 208. I'm wearing a Swiss Army Watch.

The atmosphere here this afternoon is ELECTRIC. I have already personally witnessed three parking lot fingerbangings, with plenty more sure to come! This morning, I had a chance to speak with Steelers head coach Bill Cowher. I asked if Hines Ward would be ready to go tonight. He said Ward was questionable. And then I grabbed Cowher and screamed at him, "Don't give me that questionable shit! I have a fantasy team and I need to figure out my lineup, you strong-jawed fuckfart!" Cowher still remains mum about Ward's status. Did you know this may be Cowher's last year? Did you know he bought a house in Raliegh? Did you know that? Did you?

Back later today with a special guest, plus other measty goodies....

Steelers Bukkake With Kate Mara

This is the Unsilent Majority reporting live from the Ritz Carlton penthouse. Everybody in town is quivering with anticipation as the Steelers prepare to defend their Super Bowl title. As I have learned these feelings are not limited to the Steelers fans and players.

Last night I stopped by the O on Forbes Avenue expecting to see Ben Roethlisberger drowning his sorrows in a 40 oz IC Light. Instead I was graced with the presence of one Kate Mara, the beauty with the blood of Wellington Mara and Art Rooney running through her veins. Needless to say I spent a glorious night banging the NFL heiress; the fans weren't the only ones quivering in anticipation.

I’d like to take this opportunity to announce that Kate and I are now planning to get married. Normally I wouldn’t get sucked into a relationship but Kate was able to persuade me with ease. She fucks with all the drive and tenacity of a young Wellington while displaying the famous Rooney family generosity in her own "special" way.

I have to sign off for now, the typing seems to be waking up my blushing bride. I’ll check back in this afternoon from high atop Clemente Bridge (she’s got a thing for public places).

Bukakke: Boggs And Bakula

When I was 8 my parents let me host my first Super Bowl party. It seemed like a very grown up thing to do - my mom even made the kind of food that we figured guys would eat while watching football. But since nobody under the age of 12 eats chili other than Sean Preston Spears-Federline, we all ignored it and stuck to ice cream and soda. I also remember that I was the only guy in the room pulling for the Dolphins. Everyone else had jumped on Montana's bandwagon - this was before he began charging $100,000 for the privilege of doing so. It didn't bother me too much when the fish lost - clearly Marino would get back to the big game. Of course, we all know now what happened or, rather what didn't happen. And if you don't know yourself ask Boomer Esiason -

But, thanks to the video below, at least now we know that the only thing standing between Marino and the elusive Vince Lombardi trophy is Wade Boggs' ability to manipulate the laws of physics (the answer will probably have something to do with chicken and Margot Adams). Wade may not be as cool a time traveler as Marty McFly, but he channels his inner Scott Bakula pretty well.



NOTE: Falco reported this LIVE FROM PITTSBURGH.

The KSK 2006 NFL Kickoff Bukkake

Good morning, this is Christmas Ape live from Pittsburgh n'at, where the defending Super Bowl Champion Steelers are readying themselves to square off against the Miami Pound Machine. A confidential source has told me that Ben Roethlisberger is physically able to play today following his emergency surgery Sunday, but the Steelers are still leaving him out, by dint of an agreement they reached with the Dolphins that Ben would not play so long as Daunte Culpepper does not do the reverse cabbage patch sea cruise row celebration he so loves.

Nick Saban, in a move to counteract the forbidding Pittsburgh crowd, is asking the six Dolphins fans in attendance to join him in wearing the ugliest teal blazer or collared shirt they can find. As anyone from southern Florida knows, they might have trouble narrowing it down to one.

All preseason long, people have been asking what is in the vial quarterback Charlie Batch has been wearing around his neck. Today, he finally revealed to me that it contains blood he collected from the Roethlisberger crash site as he sped to the hospital to be the first by Ben's side. Batch concedes it's a little unusual, but he said he has always drawn strength from what he calls the starter's "measty juices."

If You Don't Like The NFL, We Hate You - The KSK 2006 NFL Kickoff Bukkake

The NFL offseason ends today, and not a moment too soon. I've spent way too much time the past eight months thinking about worthless shit like God, war, and my responsibilities as a new father. All I've wanted to think about in that time (besides hot monkey banging) is the NFL, even if some douchebags would like to bitch at me for daring to do so. Fuck that. I know I'm not alone here. Why, just ask James Gardner of Upper St. Clair, PA, whose wife gave birth on a freeway with the help of a neighbor because he was too busy watching a Steelers preseason game. Is that having your priorities straight? Fuck and yes.

There are two sports in America. There's the NFL, and then there's everything else. The NFL laps the field. It's the biggest sport on Earth (NOTE: I consider America the only useful part of Earth). Thanks to fantasy football, gambling, and clever GEICO ads, the NFL has managed to turn people into fans of every team, not just their own. It's true. I'm a Vikings fan. But I'm also an NFL fan. I follow every team and every single game, largely because it gives me a golden opportunity to drink myself into a blithering stupor. You know that one Budweiser frog that says "errrrr"? Based on me. True story.

I know lots of people think the first weekend of the NCAA tournament is the greatest time in sport. But, if you have DirecTV, the NFL is like that EVERY GODDAMN SUNDAY. And that is... well, it's good. It's very good. Almost spankworthy.

I don't care enough about other sports to get as excited. College football has a bowl system that you'd be embarrassed to explain to a foreigner. Baseball has no cheerleaders. College basketball has Dick Vitale ready to telegenically molest you at a moment's notice. Golf is gay. NASCAR is for inbred pigfuckers. Hockey plays so many games the least injured team wins by default. Soccer is for pussies. And pro basketball features more people walking than a Centrum Silver ad. Fuck them all in the pants.

So today, we celebrate the return of the NFL and spit upon the lesser sports of the globe. Today, KSK unveils our GameDay Live Report Bukkake Team. All seven KSK mafia members are stationed live in Pittsburgh as we speak ready to report on all of today's NFL kickoff ceremonies. Who knows, we may even run into Rascal Flatts, whoever those fuckbumpkins are. Or perhaps we'll go for a couple yards of awkwardness with legendary rap monotone and crummy award show host Diddy. We may even finish our team previews on time (don't bet on it). Anything can happen. Because the 2006 NFL season is finally here, and the road to Super Bowl goes through KSK's wringer of douchebaggery for the very first time.

Let's get our Goose on.

Peter King Would Like To Congratulate You For Thinking Like Him

Peter King publishes a Tuesday edition of Monday Morning Quarterback, in case you didn't get enough self-centered inanity on Monday. Tuesday is the day King deigns to answer questions from you, the plebes who know nothing about the NFL. Anyway, here was a fun tidbit:

IT SEEMS SACRILEGIOUS TO COMPARE ROMO TO BRADY, BUT.... From Josh of Bloomington, Ind.: "This comment pertains to your choice of the Cowboys as the NFC champion. I fully agree with you that their defense will be stout and would be the reason for them making it to the big game. But (and this may make me sound like the Patriots fan I am) as nice a guy as he is, Drew Bledsoe is incapable of leading a team to the Super Bowl. His decision-making skills are too flawed, especially under pressure. He's not the kind of conservative, ball-control quarterback this team would need to go that far. But when reading your article I began to think about the potential parallels between the 2000-01 Patriots and the '06-07 Cowboys. Could Tony Romo execute a conservative game plan that would approximate Brady's role back in that season? Could Mike Vanderjagt make some clutch kicks and transform his reputation? And could Bill Parcells (in an ironic turn) adopt some of Belichick's strategies to disrupt a powerhouse offense (now Indy's instead of the Rams') and bring home a title they had no business winning? Hmmmmm.''

One of the greatest e-mails I've ever received. I've thought of exactly the same thing, which is probably why I like the e-mail. Most people would simply laugh at the comparison between Brady and Romo, but not me.

Well, I laughed. You fucking self-centered nimrod.

It doesn't seem sacriligious to compare a guy who's never started a game to a three-time Super Bowl-winning QB. It just seems brain dead. But, if you happen to be just as brain dead as King is, you my friend are the greatest emailer in the history of the medium. Kudos to you for thinking exactly like this man. That shows gumption. Could Tony Romo execute a conservative game plan that would approximate Brady's role in that season? It could, except that the 2000 Patriots were a pass heavy team that showed enough confidence in Brady to let him try and beat the Rams in the Super Bowl with his arm. Could Mike Vanderjagt make clutch kicks and transform his reputation? Could the Cowboys win?

You know what, you two dipshits? ANYTHING COULD HAPPEN BECAUSE THE FUTURE HASN'T HAPPENED YET. You envisioned a scenario for one team based on a previous scenario from another? My God, that's genius! That could actually happen! Holy fuck! I'm alive with possiblities!

Guhhhhhh.

UPDATE: Commenter Larry Legend (nee Bill Simmons?) and another anonymous commenter give this rant a very well-reasoned Danza Slap down below.

Better Know A Team: Philadelphia Eagles

Five Fast Facts about the Eagles:
-The Eagles were formed in the early 1970s by Don Henley and Glenn Frey (but not Joe Walsh) with the mission of making music for people who found the Steve Miller Band too avant garde.
-Coach Andy Reid has pledged that the Eagles will run the ball more this year. Perhaps even three times a game.
-The Eagles' backup running back is Correll Buckhalter, which means the Eagles' actual backup running back is Ryan Moats.
-Eagles players once drilled a hole in the locker room wall at the Vet to spy on showering cheerleaders. And that is fucking sweet.
-Backup QB Jeff Garcia hosts Karaoke Night every Tuesday night at the Blue Oyster bar. Admission is free if you bring the proof of purchase from your "Angels in America" DVD.

10 Yards of Awkwardness with: Dhani Jones

As part of our 2006 preview, I'll be sitting down for one final "chat", this time with a player from the Eagles. It's starting LB and "Colbert Report" guest Dhani Jones.


Big Daddy Drew: Dhani, thanks for taking the time to sit down with me.
Dhani Jones: No problem.

Drew: I love your bottled water. I know a lot of people prefer Evian, but to me that tastes like Marlon Brando's fromunda cheese.
Dhani: That's Dasani.

Drew: Whatever. Let's talk TO. Just how divisive a presence was his overly repressed homosexuality?
Dhani: TO isn't gay.

Drew: What's it like to be the only black man to wear a bow tie and not be a member of the Nation of Islam?
Dhani: It's all right.

Drew: Is Brian Westbrook injured yet?
Dhani: No.

Drew: How long do you give him? Isn't he the kind of guy that gets injured ordering an omelette?
Dhani: No.

Drew: Is Donte Stallworth the missing piece this team needs to get back to the Super Bowl and lose while showing absolutely no sense of urgency?
Dhani: Donte is great.

Drew: Shouldn't rookie tackle Winston Justice be a porn star/superhero with that name? Lightning could shoot right out his cock.
Dhani: Sure.

Drew: The Eagles' offensive philosophy is to pass 60 times a game to a group of subpar receivers. Why haven't other teams embraced this ingenious reverse psychology?
Dhani: I don't know.

Drew: What's it like to have seven seconds of rest between defensive series?
Dhani: We run the ball.

Drew: Is Donovan McNabb fat? Because sometimes, I swear it looks like he spends all day eating pie.
Dhani: No.

Drew: When he threw up during the Super Bowl, did pie come out?
Dhani: No.

Drew: Did French Silk ice cream come out?
Dhani: No.

Drew: When Todd Pinkston was released, did Len Pasquarelli walk into the locker room, find the rumpled jersey of his one true love, and wistfully take in its longing scent?
Dhani: No.

Drew: Shouldn't head coach Andy Reid be a cop? He looks like the asshole cop that tried to take credit for saving that one guy from the bus crash in "The Fugitive".
Dhani: No.

Drew: Does Donovan McNabb bring Andy Reid a shiny apple at every team meeting?
Dhani: No.

Drew: Last year, Philadelphia NACCP head Jerry Mondeshire said that McNabb was "mediocre at best". What has McNabb done to deserve that sort of praise?
Dhani: It wasn't praise.

Drew: Donovan McNabb has attracted the ire of both TO and Rush Limbaugh. Why is he such a Douchebag magnet? Is Jimmy Fallon next in line?
Dhani: I don't know.

Drew: I hear you like to write poetry. I have written this haiku about the Eagles:
Another year with
No skill position players
Boo, motherfucker
You like?
Dhani: No.

Drew: Will you kiss me? As you can tell by that poem, I'm a very sensitive guy.
Dhani: I'll think about it.

Drew: Dhani, this was fun. Have a great season.
Dhani: Thanks.

Ladies And Gentlemen, The Broncs Are Burning.

You are a Broncos fan, you cannot read, this installment of Better Know A Team will be read to you.

The 2006 season is nearly underway, and to mark the moment the Random Broncos Running Back Generator has spit out rookie Mike Bell as the team's starting tailback. For those keeping track, just jot his name down next to the 1,200 rushing yards in the team's final tally. Of course, this was the same Mike Shanahan hubris that caused him to pick up the patron saint of Grey Goose, kevlar and hatchets, thinking he could turn him around. What could possibly go wrong?

Speaking of rookies, some scouts believe the Broncos first round pick Jay Cutler is a better choice because of his superior arm strength than the more highly touted quarterbacks in this year's draft, Vince Young and Matt Leinart, and really, how can anyone argue with that?

In other roster moves, one bellyaching wideout has been replaced with a scarcely more talented one. Jake Plummer has lost the porn stache and undergrowth that served him so well in imploding in the conference title game last year. So he's no longer Beardo, but he can still vote Quimby. And yes, I'm aware of the irony of quoting The Simpsons, a show that has historically drubbed the Broncos, to make a joke, so don't bother pointing that out. And yes, I realize the phrasing of the past sentence is also an allusion to The Simpsons. What do you expect from a blogger by the name of Christmas Ape? I promise by my next post I'll change my screen name to Hollow Man and drop a lot of T.S. Eliot lines*.

*Promise not legally binding

Note: Okay, so maybe we already previewed the Broncos. We don't exactly keep precise books over here. It's a freakin' blog. If it makes you feel better, think of this as "Better Know a Team... Some More!"

1-2-3, It's Kinda Dangerous to Be a QB

Welcome to the latest in our 32 part series, Better Know a Football Team.

Last season further proved how quickly the balance of power can shift on a single play. The poor, illusioned, fans of Cincinnati completely deflated when Carson Palmer was taken down below the knee. While some laughed at the pathetic fate of these Bengals, I was torn up. I've been a fan of Palmer for quite some time. Throw in players like Chad Johnson and Chris Henry and I was hooked. After living in Pittsburgh for a couple of years I was thrilled to watch these cocky motherfuckers strut into the 57 Rivers Stadium and drop 38 on Bettis and his band of bitches.

The offseason didn't bring much respite for their tortured fanbase. Press releases from the hospital happened to include words like "devastating", "career-threatening", and "bubonic plague". Fortunately the outcome was far less dire. Palmer's triumphant return to preseason action brought reassurance to every fan, player, and coach. With a healthy quarterback and a strong core the Bengals will be back to challenge the Steelers.

As all of our regular readers know, we love Chad Johnson (it bears repeating). At KSK we are all about the comedic highlights of a brutal sport. Nobody in the league lifts my spirits quite like Chad; when he dances, we all shine. Of course the League decided to crack down on any enjoyable aspects of the game that are out of their control. There's no doubt in my mind that Chad will keep all of us laughing throughout the season no matter what rules they impose on his craft. The Billy Elliot of the NFL will dance until he can dance no more.

Of course the dominant stories of the summer involved the inability of various players to stay out of the interrogation room. I'd rather not take this opportunity to rehash all the issues I covered earlier this summer, so instead I'm going to leave you with this...



Has the student become the master? Stay tuned to KSK for full analysis of Chad's premiere, and remember, I'll have coverage of all the best endzone edification that's fit to print.

If you're looking for further reasons to be excited for the Bengal/Steeler games you should check out the greatest "fan anthem" in the modest history of youtube. (via Deadspin)

UPDATE: Ask and you shall receive...here's Chad's famous River Dance.