'Lights Out' got knocked the f*ck out

Shawne Merriman got freaking killed by Maurice Jones-Drew. Merriman has nine inches and 70 pounds on Mojo, but it doesn't keeping him from getting his ass dropped like a sack of dirt on this play. While Merriman was otherwise occupied, David Garrard threw a TD pass to TE Marcedes Lewis. Not a typo. "Marcedes."

But the biggest hit taken in Jax yesterday was by Philip Rivers' rep. That guy folds like a K-Mart pup tent. I think he could get psyched out playing skee-ball. Chargers fans might want to start organizing that road trip to Tijuana.

Ay, Ay, Frankie. C'mere a Minute. Checks This One Out.

Jets fan: Hey, Steeluh fan. I like your little sign with the word Jets with the little circle job and the line trew it. You do that in colored pencil? Where's the sparkles and glued on macaroni? Good thing you didn't let Roethlisberger help you out, he probably would've spelled Jets with two down facing arrows, the number four and a motorcycle.

Steelers fan: ...

Jets fan: How dare ya come into Giants Stadium and insult this team. We're the J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS! Fear our fleaflickers and long pass interference penalties!

Steelers fan: ...

Jets fan: That's a nice offensive line you got there, Steeluhs. More like steel wool. Am I right? Eh, am I right? Eeeehhhh, you know I'm right.

Steelers fan: ...

Jets fan: Holy shit. Ay, you know what? Your coach looks like Omar Epps. HAAAAAAAAA. Love and Basketball, more like Love and Losing on the Road in Football. No shit, I just made that up. How fucking clever am I? If your team didn't suck, you'd be laughing so hard right now.

Steelers fan: ...

Jets fan: I can't believe people was saying you was going to beat New England in a few weeks. You don't understand that you don't beat the Patriots, you just start accusing them of shit. That's what we're doing when we go to Foxborough. Opening possession, BAM!, we hit 'em with the Cameragate stuff. When they get up by a few touchdowns and the game is far out of reach, WHAMMO, we whack 'em with the running up the score charges. After the game, we'll be talking for weeks about how our audio equipment wasn't working. Blueprint for success, sweetheart.

Steelers fan: ...

Jets fan: Yo, don't you think this white hoodie makes me look like Stormshadow from G.I. Joe? I bet if the Jets were in that show, all their guns would shoot green lasers and they'd win 20 percent of the time.

Steelers fan: ...

Jets fan: You know this is just jokes, right? Why don't I take you back 'round my spot. This area may not look like much, but I bet you ain't seen West Rutherford. It's got a Fuddrucker's and shit. Lemme get that number. C'mon. I'll even let my man Frankie hit it. I owe him for taking my sister out last week. She ain't the prettiest, you know. I worry about her sometimes.

I Am A F—king Retard

Hey! Hey, guys! Yeah, I’m here on the FIELD! Boy, there sure are a lot of people out here! These guys out here are playing FOOTBALL! Sure looks like they’re working really hard!

Ow! I bumped my head on the microphone again!

I tell you what, Dick. These players are really fired up! I think they’re really happy they just scored! Boy, you can really feel the enthusiasm down here! Sometime I like to touch my taint and then smell it!

I think it’s kinda windy out here. Wind confuses me, because it’s invisible!

I was gonna go talk to one of the coaches during halftime but he was too far away!

Joe Buck is a fag, guys! Am I right or what?

I don't know how you guys hear me up there. IT MUST BE BECAUSE I TALK REAL LOUD!

I think they’re barbecuing nearby! Boy, I sure could go for some food, because I’m fat, and FOX hired me because they think all their viewers are braindead Jersey assholes! You know, sometimes I get Elmer’s Glue and vanilla frosting confused!

The team doctor said I should keep my helmet on during retirement!

Ow! I stared at the sun for too long again!

Oh! Oh! I think a player just got hurt! Boy, that looked bad! He’s limping! And now he’s walking around the bench! And now he’s eating stray pretzel bits. And I think his wing is messed up! Wait, wait, wait. I’m sorry, Dick. That’s actually a bird, and not a player. My bad! This job is HARD!

If you roll a pencil up in your foreskin, it looks like you stuck a pencil through your peepee! Tee hee hee!

Those cheerleaders have big boobies! I like to bite them when they aren’t suspecting it!

Ow! I tried walking through a wall again. Sometimes I try and act like I’m The Thing!

I tell you what, guys, that #56 out there is one tough player! He’s hitting people, and he’s being hit, and he keeps trying to get the ball! That’s my kind of player!

Quaterbacks are pussies. Except for Brett Favre. He’s Siragusa tough! And Tom Brady. And Peyton Manning. And Tony Romo. And about 30 other guys!

You know what would be cool? If the defenders had lasers!

Ow! I licked the hot dog roller again!

Back to you, Dick!

I'm Gonna Stab You, Pete Morelli

And when I'm done stabbing you, I'mma stab that goalpost. Think you're pretty clever, don't you Mr. Goal post? Well, me and Mr. Knife don't take too kindly to that shit. No more doinkin' for you.

Nobody makes Ray Lewis come back out of the locker room. I was mid-dance, you fucks.

Crunchy, Raw, Unboned, Real, Dead Frog!

In case you hadn't noticed, Bear Grylls is back. Grylls, who gave us an entire offseason of useful YuTube videos, has rejiggered his show so that it's more truthful and less, you know, bullshitty. And that's okay with me, because I still think he's just dreamy. He ate a frog in the Sahara last night. But that ain't the first time. Bear is obviously a fan of the Whizzo Chocolate Assortment. Enjoy!

The Friday Cheerleader PostResorting to neo-McCarthyism

"You better get your priorities straight. And watch out for that other crowd you're running with. Don't think I haven't noticed."

Cowboys coach Wade Phillips was so flummoxed by a spate of Cowboys penalties last weekend, that he has turned to fictional high school coach for ideas. Phillips asked all players to sign a pledge promising to avoid penalties. The pledge may have also mentioned something about winning state in '76. (Note: the first place I read about this was Moseley's Hashmarks blog at ESPN.com. But there's no way in hell he gets a link from us.)

Yeah, Ricky Williams is back.

Here are a few more things that leave us dazed and confused. Check ya later!

You may have stolen that shirt from Donald Duck, but we won't tell.

If you look up "bzooty" in the Beckionary this is the picture they use.

"I'm no school-boy, but I know what I like..."

Any excuse to break out this old favorite.

Bumptious Boy Billionaire vs. Twisted Leatherfaced Plutocrat. WHO YA GOT?

The Redskins and Cowboys renew their historic rivalry in what a few weeks ago looked to be a compelling contest, but now appears to be an event that may not help Unsilent Majority in this moment of great blockage. The free agent era having eroded any sense of continuity in the league, the only enduring faces we've left with are those in the owner's box. And these two teams are stewarded by the most megalomaniacal men in the country who don't hold public office. If it weren't for these guys, it'd only be Redskins and Cowboys fans who'd make the teams unlikable. So, WHO YA GOT?

Contestants

Dan Snyder_____________Jerry Jones

Bought team in

1999___________________1989

Franchise record since taking over (incld. postseason)

66-75, two playoff victories________171-135, three Super Bowl titles

Lapdog

Vinny Cerrato______________Wade Phillips

Obvious descriptors

Napoleonic short knocker___________Criminally insane, but tensile

Fictional likeness

Charles Foster Kane, minus three feet___George Nelson from "O Brother Where Art Thou"

Dislikes

The media, trees on his property____________The boundaries of reason


Pals around with

Tom Cruise____Saudi ambassador Prince Bandar bin Sultan ("Bandar Bush")

When feeling blue

Awards 6-year contract to faded veteran_____Tittyfucks Wade

Finishing move

Raising ticket, parking lot prices___YYYEEEHHAWWW I AM FUCKING CRAZY

No Country For Crappy Quarterbacks

Welcome to the Week 11 edition of Always Be Covering. Last week was not good times...no, not good at all. So yeah, we're closing in on the one week mark and I've built up more pressure than Javier Bardem's cattle gun.

At this point even Javier is starting to turn me on. The very idea of the ballet teacher from The Dancer Upstairs makes me turgid, and a bit sweaty.

Moving on, let's take a look at this week's best offerings. As always, I'm a genius and you should feel compelled to do whatever I tell you. I swear I'll start winning again one day (this is much harder than the NBA).

Arizona +3.5 at Cincinnati
Risking 30 to win 25

Oh that cute, the Bengals are giving points against a team that's not the Ravens or the Jets. Cinci is falling apart faster than Umuofia and Chris Henry's stabilizing influence only goes so far.

St. Louis -3 at San Francisco
Risking 27.5 to win 25

Holy crap, the Niners are fucking abysmal. The Rams aren't all the way back but I'd take a team of crippled deaf midgets coached by a 12 year-old hepatitis ravaged whore as long as they were playing Alex Smith Trent Dilfer.

On a final note, while I am precluded from betting against my Redskins (especially during Dallas week) that does not mean you should abstain. Without Sean Taylor and Santana Moss the Redskins are walking into a slaughterhouse filled with smallpox.


...ok, I mailed this one in a bit. But I was busy seeing No Country For Old Men last night. I'll tell you what I thought of it as soon as I read TBL's review.

Work Kinda Blows + This Week's Meast

9:04 AM
Fred: hey man
Landon: hey buddy
Fred: another awesome day at work, eh?
Landon: yeah, just found a snake in the office
took a cell phone pic
then it disappeared
Fred: holy shit!
why is there a fucking snake in your office?
Landon: dunno
Fred: maybe he works there
you should have made him do some filing
Landon: it did have a little dress shirt and tie on
Fred: well at least he adhered to the dress code
he might have just taken an early lunch
Landon: haha
Fred: that's freaky; was it by your desk?
Landon: no, on the far end of the office, in a cubicle
Fred: that snake should have his own office
Landon: he's new
you don't get the corner office your first day
Fred: tell him that
Landon: if i can find him
if he's going to be coming and going as he wishes, I need to know that information
Fred: he needs to fill out his timesheet accordingly
Landon: he doesn't have the vacation built up yet to be taking half days
Fred: or long lunches, either
snakes these days, they think they can just slither in like they own the place
Fred: send him an email

10:08 AM
Landon: snake@landoncorp.com
just sent it
he's only 5 inches long, how long does he need for lunch?
Fred: maybe it's a working lunch


10:38 AM
Fred: So, did you take that from that other place where you applied?
Landon: I haven't heard back yet
but i would expect the decision (either way) to come very soon
i'm not about to get my hopes up
he and i both know i'm very green
Fred: and chronically homosexual
Landon: how do you think i got THIS job?
Fred: tapping your foot in the men's room stall
with your resume rolled up in your ass
Landon: that's product placement
Fred: I guees it beats the shit out of careerbuilder
Landon: no kidding
oh, i'll send you the pic of our new office help
Fred: please do so
so that I may report him to the Better Serpents Bureau
Landon: the BSB doesn't take these things lightly
i would have said they don't take it lying down...
Fred: haha
they are a serious bunch, but it takes them forever to type shit up
Landon: they're reports just read "Ssssssss"
hang on, fire alarm just went off
Fred: wheeee


11:04 AM
Landon: yeah, everyone went outside like it's 2nd grade
i'm the only one in the office, so role call was easy
Fred: did you touch each head as you counted?
Landon: i had to, otherwise i'd have to start over
Fred: well, yeah
Landon: unfortunately, our new office assistant was unaccounted for
Fred: shocker
Landon: this is why he needs to tell me when he's coming and going
if a situation like this arises


12:49 PM
Landon: still on the loose. he was in the copy room, but i was unable to trap him with a file folder. he slithered under the big file cabinet.
Fred: where's that pic already?
Landon: i sent it to you. i'm sending you a 2nd one i just took also
Fred: my phone must be slow

1:09 PM
Landon: snake has been disposed of
Fred: terminated? that was a short career
Landon: dazed and taken outside, trapped it in a box
i took the keyboard duster compressed gas thingie, turned it upside down so it became lethal, sprayed it enough to daze it, trapped it in a box, and released it into the wild.
Fred: Don Rumsfeld approves of your shock-and-awe, as well your grasp of weapons terminology.
Landon: as well he should
Fred: By the way, your Meast for the week is Antonio Cromartie. He had three picks against the Colts.
Landon: cool.
Fred: Those pics still aren’t here yet.
Landon: let me try it over email
Fred: Fine.

KSK Presents: The Green Zone! Your Guide To The Environmental Pussification Of The NFL!

I’m new to this whole “Save Our Planet” movement. When NBC tossed a green peacock logo on their SNF broadcast a while back, I thought I had entered some fabulous new time-warp dimension where NFL football is played on St. Patrick’s Day. I then went to a bar, got drunk, called the barmaid a no-good whore, and then broke my hand after getting into a fight with the digital jukebox because it only had one song available from my favorite Pogues album. Fucking digital jukebox. It had it coming. Offer the whole fucking album, you fuck!

Turns out, I had it all wrong. No, the whole green logo thing was part of NBC’s token effort to pretend it cared about global warming (or “climate change”, if you’re willing to let yourself be brainwashed by purposely contagious think tank marketing phrases). Now, as you know, global warming is quite a serious issue. If we don’t do something soon, half of India could be displaced 50 years from now. Which I guess is a problem. Of sorts. And half of Florida would be gone! Which, again, is kind of a tragedy. I guess. I sure would hate to lose all those Sonic restaurants. And prostitutes-turned-serial-killers.

But fear not. We at KSK are charging to the forefront of this issue. Yes, we are football fans. But we are also EARTH fans as well. After all, football is played on Earth. And beer is made on Earth. So I suppose Earth has a small role in this whole wacky enterprise. We’ve already begun taking great pains to help save the world. I’ve attached a turbine to my right hand in order to harness the energy generated from my furious sessions masturbating at home. Already, I’ve powered two schools in Montgomery County for the past month solely using my patented EcoBating system. Enjoy your history class, children. You’ll be reading about the heroics of my cock any day now.

I also recycle all my cans and bottles. Unless the county makes me rinse them before doing so. That’s a pain in the ass. Unsilent Majority is already designing a Chevy Avalanche that runs on hemp oil. And Ufford had a few ideas about this issue as well. Unfortunately, he took the entire year off because he served in the military a while back.

So we’re doing our part. But we’re only six men. Six cowardly men who are far too lazy to do anything truly impactful in this arena. So we decided to get together and do what any smart environmental crusader does: Bitch at other people to do something about it for us.

Yes, that means you, Roger Goodell. You’ve been flying around in private planes and asking for fines to be paid in pure whale blubber for far too long. It’s time for YOU to take action, sir. You run the most powerful sports league in the nation. You have the power to make something good happen. Or, at the very least, to say you’re doing something about it so people will leave you the fuck alone. That’s why we suggest adopting the following league-wide measures to help DEFEND OUR GREEN ZONE!

-Corey Ivy replaced by Poison Ivy

-Follow Chargers lead and only use recycled coaches

-Instead of pads, old gym mats

-Tampa Two reduced to Tampa One so as to be less wasteful

-Run and Gun changed to Run & Frisbee

-High Occupancy beer line for patrons over 350 lbs.

-Replay booths only show An Inconvenient Truth

-Relocate displaced polar bears to Joey Porter's house

-Vick-tailored all-hemp uniforms

-Ball made out of discarded foreskin

-Require Packers to ride bikes not just at training camp, but all goddamn year long

-Install hydroelectric dam at base of Peter King's santorum-leaking colon

-Spend $100,000 in energy costs converting Fieldturf fields back to real grass

-Allow angry mob to finally murder William Clay Ford

-Replace Kyoto Treaty with Kyoto Oklahoma Drill. Treaties are for homos

-All corn-based performance enhancing drugs no longer banned

-Hot dog wrapper doubles as catheter bag

-MRI's replaced with a physical exam by Dr. Nick

-New hybrid Pats/Sox/Celts fan runs almost exclusively on vinegar-based fuel

-Replenish lost landmasses with dirt from canisters collected by Steve Young from various NFL stadia throughout his career

-Plastic kicking tees to be replaced with small mound of, like, dirt and stuff

-New helmet to be made entirely of recycled Starbucks drink sleeves

-Planting a tree worth 9 points

-Hire Indonesia Tree Man to anchor Texans’ o-line

-All pregame speeches to include mandatory 90-minute PowerPoint presentation on why the Antarctic peninsula is so significant in this fight

-Two words: Cleveland Greens

-Throwback Oilers jerseys must be splattered with red paint, as long as it's not lead-based

-Tailgate grills replaced with tailgate gazpacho barrel

-Scouting combine to feature only Free Range athletes

-Replays from Jumbotron replaced by play re-enactments from local pantomime group

-All prime-time games to be played in the reflection of Bradshaw’s bald spot

-Spokesman Don Cheadle fired, replaced with Captain Planet

-Goodell replaced with Lorax

-Pre-commercial FOX robots to be replaced with dirty white people wearing dreadlocks

-Blue Angels replaced by loud pigeons

-Team planes replaced by Hannibal's elephants

-Fans required to hold solar panels in lieu of signs

-Dan Snyder to scale back tree-cutting operations at home by .0005%

-Najeh Davenport to offer lecture series on laundry hamper composting

-Old: New York Jets. New: New York Hot-Air Balloons

-NFL Shield made by indigenous population out of native materials

-Follow Joe Gibbs’ lead and replace coaches headsets with tin can and string

-Steel Curtain Defense retrofitted to be Switchgrass Curtain Defense

-Teams required to interview vegans for head coaching positions

-Heinz Field turf now 100 percent compost

-Travis Henry must decrease carbon footprint, bastard kids

-Marvin Harrison and all dolphins set free

-Ray Lewis no longer allowed to murder people with Hamilton Beach electric knife

-All teams required to rub living statue Al Gore for good luck prior to game

-Ozone-killing Wade Philips emissions cut by 50%

-Chicago Bears allowed to roam free, gnaw on remains of Timothy Treadwell

I hope you're listening, Goodell. Our very future as a beer-swilling, gay-taunting species hinges on what you do next. Don't let us down. This is our home. It's all we've got. Let's protect it for future generations to enjoy. Unless the Pats go 19-0. In which case, you may as well let the whole fucking place burn.