Whoa, whoa, were you going to flush that???

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell is scrambling to add a new street drug to the league's banned substance list. Players, anxious for a powerful high that cannot be detected by current testing procedures, have turned to “jenkem”-- also known as “butthash”-- a methane based concoction manufactured from fermented human waste.

The issue first came to the commissioner's attention earlier this season when fans were told they were not “allowed” to flush the toilets in the restrooms at Pittsburgh's Heinz Field. Sources close to league security have confirmed that the restrooms were in fact sophisticated jenkem laboratories. While the creator of the labs is unknown, addiction experts at Johns Hopkins university have found a correlation between accident related head trauma and the inexplicable urge to get high off your own dookie.

The big break in the league's inquiry came recently when a prominent, but as yet unnamed, Philadelphia family, was discovered to be the league's primary distributor of jenkem. Not satisfied with the quality of their own excrement, members of the family were making frequent trips to the west coast and breaking into the restrooms in the Qwest Field locker room. Commented one recovering jenkem addict, “Man, that Holmgren doo-doo will get you high as fuck! That muthafucker must be eatin' straight up roadkill.”

“Man, last thing I remember was hitting that butthash a couple times. Next thing I know, we are dressed like the fucking Osmonds and sacrificing Pokey to appease the godking Ba'al.”

Oh God, I Gotta Take A S—t

Wade: Oh Jesus Jesus Jesus. Holy guacamole. I hope no one’s using the bathroom stall.

(runs into bathroom, stall is occupied)

Oh, man. This is bad. Goodness gracious, that Chipotle burrito tore right through me. If this feller dudn’t hurry up, I’m done gonna soil my britches. Maybe if I stand in front of the stall like so, he’ll know someone’s waiting to use it. Please. Please please please, hurry up. I can feel that ol’ rattlesnake pushin’ his way out.

Wait a second. I know those boots. Are those rhinestone alligator skin boots?

(stall door flies open)


Jerry: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HAW!!!!!!!!! YIPPEE KAY YAY, COCKSUCKER!!! ANOTHER LONE STAR TORPEDO FOR THE DOUBLE-J!!!!!!

Wade: Aw, shiiit.

Jerry: Boy I tell ya, that there was the single finest dump I’ve taken in this facility. First class. Top o’ the line. Tell you what, Fatty Cha Cha, that’s the kinda bomb that kills Japanese schoolchildren! KABOOM!

Wade: Mr. Jones, you’re blocking the entrance…

Jerry: Yes sirree, absolutely pristine log I laid. It was two-beacher, with NO paperwork!

Wade: Mr. Jones, please.

Jerry:
My turd is big
As an oil rig
(clap clap clap)
DEEPINTHEHEARTOFTEXAS!!!!!!

Wade: Mr. Jones, if you don’t mind, I have to use that latrine myself.

Jerry: Oh, I don’t think so. That bank any takin’ any more deposits for the day, if you know what I mean.

Wade: Oh, Lord.

Jerry: Besides, that ain’t no handicapped stall. And I seriously doubt your fat ass can sit down without a whole lotta help from a railin’. Am I right?!

Wade: Well, if you’ll excuse me, then. I have to run.

Jerry: Shit on your own time, you big fat tube of Jimmy Dean. It’s time to talk about my boy ROMO! Did you see what he did out there?!

Wade: Well, yes, I was on the sidel…

Jerry: Tore that Bears defense a new asshole! I tell ya, my boy ROMO could be elected governor of Texas, he’s such a goddamn star! And this team is 3-0! THREE GODDAMN WINS AND NO GODDAMN LOSSES! Who’da thought we’d go 3 and goddamn 0 with your fat ass at in the driver’s seat? I’m amazed you even have room to work the steering wheel, King Hippo!

Wade: Sir, I really do have to…

Jerry: Listen, Tubby. I saw a power ranking that had us at Number 3 this week. Well, I want YOU to get my boy ROMO up at the top of that there list! NUMERO FUCKIN’ UNO! You hear me?

Wade: That’s fine sir, if I could just use the lavatory for moment…

Jerry: I don’t pay you to squeeze one out on the company's dime, Pumpkin. Besides, IT’S TIME TO SLAP YOUR TITTIES!!!

Wade: Sir, no…

Jerry: No arguin’! It’s titty slappin’ time, and I’m feeling frisky!

Wade: Sir, I beg of you…

Jerry: I need to slap me some tits! Who’s got slappy titties?! Who’s got slappy titties? Is it you?!

Wade: I do not have slappy titties.

Jerry: (slaps his tits) IT’S YOU! YOU GOT SLAPPY TITTIES, BOY!!!! WAHOO! YIPPEE! RAMALAMADINGDONG!!!

Wade: Sir, if you don’t let me leave, I’m afraid I’m going to make a bit of a mess.

Jerry: Well all right. Get on in there and shit, boy.

(goes into stall, five minutes pass)

Jerry: You sure are takin’ your time in there, Titty Magee!

Wade: Sir, it’s hard to go with you standing there.

Jerry: Hard?! You tellin’ me you can’t handle the pressure, Mr. Kathy Bates?! Well then, consider this an important exercise! SHIT THAT LOG OUT!

Wade: Dear Lord, I'm never gonna be able to do this.

Jerry: YOU DRIVE THAT TURTLE OUT TODAY, PROFESSOR KLUMP!!! MY BOY ROMO AIN’T GOT NO TIME FOR POOP! GREASE THAT ASSHOLE! LET’S GO! LET’S GO!

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HAW I AM FUCKING CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!

The Top 500 Things You Don't Want to Hear About Me That I'm Going to Tell You Anyway

Why did I decide to make this list? Why would I rank the 500 best things things you don't want to hear from me that I'm going to tell you anyway? Well, you probably don't care, but I'm going to tell you anyway.

You see, I woke up in the middle of the night wondering, "What do people want to know less about me? The details of my bowel movements, or the sexual positions I use to help my wife conceive?" Ever since that happened, I've been unable to think about anything else. So I told coaches and GM's around the league the list wanted to make, and they all thought it was stupid and senseless. So did my editors. And my friends. In fact, it was readily apparent that this would negatively affect both my professional credibility and my relationships with professional contacts. That's when I knew I had to do it.

What were my criteria? Did I take a scientific approach and use stats to make my case? Did I base it on each topic's past accomplishments, or its potential for the future? Did I poll other people and use their votes? Kind of! In fact, I took every step to make it as arbitrary as possible, because that way everyone enters into hopelessly boring and pointless conversations about it.

Without further ado, here are the 500 best things you don't want to hear from me that I'm going to tell you anyway.

1. Last week I let my wife defecate on my chest. It was a pretty intimate moment.
2. I'll occasionally get coffee from other cafes besides Starbucks, but familiar name brands make me feel safer.
3. I like the Red Sox!
4. During air travel, I break wind as our plane taxis onto the runway. Instant conversation starter.
5. On Monday night I took in a Madonna concert. She may be a controversial performer, but she's definitely still got it.
6. Tony Romo's cock is beautifully curved. Really, it has the size and shape of a jumbo summer sausage.
7. I have this old Underwood typewriter that I keep in the attic. It types in cursive, and the lowercase Q looks enough like a weathered clitoris to give me an erection.
8. Andy Rooney is the sharpest journalist in the country, hands-down.
9. The worst thing about maintaining a healthy diet so I can be less obese? No more deep-fried butter sticks. Heavenly when dipped in mayonnaise.
10. Finally got around to watching Beverly Hills Cop. I can't say I liked that Axel Foley's attitude one bit.

11. I had a layover in Omaha on my way out to the Raiders' training camp. That was where I saw a teenage boy, maybe 14 or 15, wearing an earring! Can you believe it? Where were his parents?
12. Middle-school girls' softball games can get awfully competitive.
13. I love being a part of the Sunday Night Football crew, but I wish I could get a suit with an elastic waistband.
14. Dippin' Dots, the ice cream of the future? You better believe it.
15. If you ask me, Lady is the tramp.
16. Kids these days!
17. I didn't want to ever have to say this, but I think President Bush could have done a better job with the war in Iraq.
18. Sometimes when I'm bored, I like to slap my scrotum repeatedly with a wooden salad spoon. One time, it sounded just like the drum solo from Wipe Out. I wish had that on my iPod.
19. Everyone knows saliva makes a passable personal lubricant, but it's more effective if you can get some nasal mucus in there.
20. Have you heard about HBO's show "Real Sex"? It's wild!

21. Keep an eye on NBC's documentary series "The Office." Michael Scott's managerial skills tell me he's going places.
22. Did you know that the Newark Star-Ledger has baseball box scores from West Coast games in its late morning edition? Let's see the Internet do that.
23. At a recent Josh Groban concert, I saw someone smoking what I believe was a marihuana cigarette. I sent a letter to the Department of Homeland Security. They'll know what to do.
24. My pick for key fantasy star this week? LaDainian Tomlinson.
25. If I had to choose between eating a pound of your standard brown defecation or a teaspoon of that weird green stuff I get the morning after Indian food and six Sam Adams Winter Ales, I'd have a tough decision on my hands.
26. I think this might really be Brett Favre's last year, but you never know. When I talked to him last week, I could see in his soft brown eyes that he just loves playing the game of football.
27. It's never too early in life to check yourself for testicular cancer.
28. If Barry Bonds actually took steroids, I don't think his record should count.
29. Who's got the best condiment bar in the league? I'll take Heinz Field every time.
30. Am I really the only guy who wishes he could lactate?

31. I wish onions had a juice.
32. I don't understand why they're always putting out new editions of the encyclopedia. My 1986 World Book collection stands the test of time.
33. When it comes to linebackers, the best out there are Brian Urlacher, Paul Posluszny, and Chad Greenway. There's just something about them.
34. Jack Parr could write a joke about zone blocking that would really make you think.
35. I just can't believe how good U2 is. Every album is better than the last.
36. If you ask me, nothing beats a good wipe with Charmin White Ultra Aloe -- the double rolls are a must.
37. I'm not one to speak ill of others, but The Coffee Beanery funds terrorist training camps.
38. Each football season, I make it a personal goal never to defecate during the Giants' bye week.
39. You have to admire the way the Red Sox have bounced back this season. Anyone else get the feeling that Curt Schilling has taught Josh Beckett something about winning?
40. Have you tried this Marshmellow Fluff? It's not only delicious, but for my money, it's a great home remedy for hemorrhoids.

41. The ficus is our greatest potted plant.
42. Sometimes I picture myself on those airline safety pamphlets chasing the other people around the plane with a Swiss Army Knife.
43. Professional wrestling just isn't believable these days.
44. Aggravating Travel Note of the Week: What's with all these lady drivers?
45. Thanks to John Derrick of Butte, Montana. You're right: the reuben at Beth's Roadside Diner totally gets rid of that semen aftertaste.
46. One of Mike Tyson's turds got sold for $31 on eBay. I may never have to work again.
47. Why do snack machines sell things for 85 cents? Who carries that kind of change?
48. New favorite iPod feature: shuffle.
49. Paula Cole, I'd like you to meet Tony Romo.
50. I did an interview with an Internet "weblog" called The Big Lead. That fella sure knows his movies!

(There's the first 50. Let's hear the other 450 in the comments.)