EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY – The Bounty On Bill Simmons’ Hands Increased To $21

I’ve been trying to rein in the ol’ Simmons-bashing of late. It just makes me look like I’m being a whiny asshole with nothing better to do. Which is true. But no need to belabor the point. Besides, I think we’ve already spent enough time trying to prove Simmons (pictured above. Oh wait, that’s Dane Cook. Oh well, same thing) is an arrogant cockhog. You make fun of him enough, and soon YOU start to come off the one who’s repetitive and annoying, so I think I’ll take the high road and…

And that's not where the similarities begin and end with the '86 Celtics and the '07 Patriots.

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. Why do you make it so hard for me, asshole? Just when I was trying to swallow my pride and appreciate the Patriots run, along comes William Of Greenwich to bring my acid reflux back.

When the Colts ducked the AFC Championship Game with an indefensible choke job against San Diego, many die-hard Boston fans thought the same thing: Ralph Sampson.

And by many fans, he means ONE.

Look, I'm not saying the '07 Colts or '86 Lakers openly chose to lose. They just took the easy way out. Subconsciously, they were probably thinking, "Deep down, we know we're not winning the title this year," and responded in crisis with the appropriate amount of urgency.

Wow, what an amazing analysis of the collective psyche of 50 to 60 players and coaches on the Indy sideline! I’m sure they subconsciously really wanted to lose to avoid your precious Patriots. No competitive fire in that team! What’s the view like inside your own large intestine? Is it shiny?

In the process, they cheated two unforgettable teams of punctuating unforgettable seasons by topping their natural rivals.

Oh, poor you! You get to go 19-0, just not against the teams you wanted to go 19-0 against! Oh, you poor millionaire you! You were so cheated! IT’S ALL SO UNFAIR!!!!

On top of that, (Brady) excelled during an unhealthy era in which we digest sports through various mediums, argue about them constantly and pick athletes and coaches apart on a 24/7 basis.

It’s true! If only it were like back in the old days, when people couldn’t write columns on the Internet! That was really the beginning of the end! It's also terrible when people can anonymously rip other people online, like the Sports Gal does!

He has the same satisfied smirk on his face that someone has when they're meeting the boyfriend of a kinky ex-girlfriend, like he's particularly delighted to make eye contact for that split-second as they're shaking hands.

“Kinky women usually leave me for other men because I play a Dictaphone of Adam Carolla reading my columns, and I make them wear a Kimmel wig! I also like to give smug glances to other men, just to be a fucking prick!”

I have this one on tape -- in the second half, the entire Celtics team morphs into Clint Eastwood during the final 15 minutes of "Unforgiven." It's incredible to watch. This game should run on ESPN Classic once a week.

Because Boston fans would really enjoy it! And they’re the only fans that matter!

The '86 Celtics had one of the most significant home court advantages in sports history, finishing 50-1 at home (including the playoffs) and breaking records for "Most times a group of fans recognized that a great pass was about to happen even before it happened," and "Most times a crowd has ever lifted a team from one level to another."

Because Boston fans are smarter and better than regular fans! In fact, they’re so good, they can literally improve the athletic potential of the team! But that’s not all! Boston fans can also turn lead into gold! And heal by touch! And when they take a shit, little animated birds appear from out of nowhere to wipe and powder their asses clean!

You can't say enough about that gag job by the defending champs. What a disgrace. Part of winning a title is defending the title after you win it ... and that wasn't anything remotely resembling a defense.

So true. If you don’t do well the next year, your title shouldn’t really count! Like when the Patriots when 9-7 in 2002 and failed to make the playoffs! So weak!

Whether it's a team or a player, the test remains the same: Will you be bouncing your grandkids on your lap some day and telling them how great Player X or Team X was? (Note: I always thought this would be a great way to decide the Hall of Fame -- if somebody doesn't pass the Grandkids Test, they're out.)

I see someone is taking notes at the Woody Paige School For Idiotic Hall Of Fame Selection Methodology.

You know, I started off liking Simmons because I thought he was different from every other sportswriter out there. But he’s fucking EXACTLY like them all. He only gives a fuck about HIS team, HIS life, HIS opinions, and getting you to side with him. And all the old Rocky III jokes in the world (“Oh look! Two men hugging! That’s so funny! Don’t you think it’s funny that I find that funny?”) don’t make a goddamn difference. Know why I can’t ignore Simmons? BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO. I want to be reminded exactly of what it’s like to be some self-satisfied asshole who doesn’t give a shit about entertaining readers.

So, to that end… WE’RE UPPING THE BOUNTY!!!!



Twenty-one whole dollars to take out our man’s hands (NOTE: Offer not valid). He’ll never type or stroke his fingers through Wes Welker’s hair again. That’s the price you pay for making me root for fucking Marmalard, assfuck.

Doug & Doug Fantasy Rules Week 11

Doug and Doug return following a fallow week, and what do they have to show for their mid-autumn vacation? Trading in the green headband for a beige one? Crafting a newfound irreverence for bounties? Easy you two, we've got $50, maybe $55, more that we can spend on hits. How hard can it be to bomb one garage?

EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY -- The Bounty On Bill Simmons' Hands Has Been Set at $20

Simmons' column has been up for approximately two hours and we've already received a bevy of e-mails attesting to its retardery. Rest assured that we've read it, punched our desks a few times, scoffed indignantly at a few choice excerpts and decided we could takes no more.

For those, unlike us, who don't have time in the middle of the day to commit an hour to read the 33,000 words that usually comprise his Friday picks column (in which this week he relegates the "picks" to a small box to the side of his rant, forgoing any additional commentary on his shitty recommendations).

Anyway, here's the quick rundown: He blubbers on about how the Pats totally got hosed in a game they won by referees working for the RAND CORPORATION, in conjunction with the saucer people, under the supervision of the reverse vampires, to totally screw the Pats over and have the gall to call Randy Moss for pushing off, like he's been doing all year. He compares the refs to the Nazi officials in "Victory!" Leaving aside that a lot of former Nazis probably reside in Indianapolis, this is completely ludicrous.

He does provide us this helpful, if obnoxious, tidbit:

"After the final three kneels and a delightfully icy handshake between Belichick and Dungy, I grabbed my dogs for a prolonged victory walk -- still wearing my good luck Wes Welker jersey -- and mulled a scenario in which the Pats finished 19-0, then picked first in the 2008 draft with the first-rounder acquired from San Francisco last spring."

So now we know Simmons likes to take victory strolls following Patriots games. All you need to do is find the douchebag in the Welker jersey walking a labradoodle and hack off his hands. He has a new kid, so perhaps he should be around for that. And nobody watches E-60, so no harm is done there. The Welker jersey probably narrows it down a bit in L.A. but if you happen to lop off the appendages of a few innocents of a similar description, who are we to judge? He is your quarry and upon successful termination you will receive a crisp new twenty.

With which you can get:

-- Copy of NBA2K8 for PS2 so you can beat the Celtics 300 times in a row
-- Butthash kit, deluxe edition
-- Three (3) 5 lb. bags of key lime mints
-- Wes Welker Dolphins jersey
-- a "Van Heflin"
-- Fudgie the Whale

EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY – Tom Brady Knee Bounty Increased To $60, Plus Free Goodie Bag!

Well, well, well, NFL defenders. You had 9 nine weeks to fuck up Tom Brady’s knee and collect my bounty. But I see you were just too dignified and sportsmanlike to get the job done on the field. Well, that’s a fucking disgrace.

But I am nothing if not persistent. This week’s is the Patriots’ bye week, and it presents a perfect opportunity to kneecap this pretty bastard as he enjoys his leisure time. I happen to have come across a copy of Brady’s bye week itinerary. He’ll be in New York with that floozy of a Brazilian girlfriend of his all week. Tomorrow, they plan on window shopping in SoHo. What perfect opportunity for you to injure Mr. Wonderful and collect my money. IF YOU'VE GOT THE BALLS. Just picture it: one minute, our friend is delighting at the sweet treats in the window of Jacques Torres Chocolate Haven. The next minute, BOOM! A fucking Lincoln Navigator pins him right against the glass, rupturing vital arteries and teaching him an important lesson in humility. Do you have the steely determination to carry this out? I don’t like what you’ve shown me so far.

And I’ve got an extra treat waiting for you if you pull this off, Mr. Defender Man. Last week, I threw in a bag of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. But this week, I’m going all out. I get it. You’re a celebrity now. Money is no longer as thrilling as it once was. Well, I know one thing no celebrity can resist. A GOODIE BAG!!!!


Aw, yeah. Feast your eyes. No celebrity can resist the siren song of free shit wrapped in tissue paper and then stuffed inside a decorative paper bag. It’s fun! It’s tax-free! It’s an incredible insult to working class Americans! No one can deny the appeal of that. Tara Reid has lived off of gift bags alone since 2002. Your gift bag will include the following items:

-Reese’s Cups
-Bottle of Stetson (for ironic purposes)
-Two day stay at Rancho Relaxo
-Free Movado watch
-Home pedicure set
-5 Lottery scratch tickets
-Free test trial sample of new Glaxosmithkline anemia pill
-Matt Ufford sex tape
-? (mystery item!)
-? (another mystery item!)
-? (yet another mystery item!)
-? (mystery item that’ll really make you cream your jeans!)

And if that’s not enough, we’re raising the bounty… TO SIXTY DOLLARS!!!!!



God, look at that. One fifty and one ten. Or get three twenties. Or six tens. Or twelve fives. But don’t ask me to pay you in singles. Go to Pacman Jones for that shit.

Your move, NFL defenders. It’s Tom Brady’s week off. But a week becomes a year so easily. All you need is a Louisville Slugger and an iron will.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE – The Bounty On Tom Brady’s Knees Raised to $50 (Plus Bag Of Reese’s Cups)

It’s Halloween tomorrow, and the scariest thing about the holiday this year is that it’s midway through the NFL season and no defender has had the guts, nay, the overly swollen gonads, to take me up on my offer of $30 American dollars to snap Tom Brady’s legs like a Snyder’s of Hanover pretzel rod. What’s the matter, NFL defenders? Too goddamn CHICKEN to rob a man of his livelihood and deprive football fans of watching the best team in NFL history take shape?

Pretty pathetic.

You people are nothing but a bunch of cowards. Which one of you will finally have the courage to deliver a late hit to Brady’s tibia well after the whistle has blown? My old o-line coach used to tell us to keep hitting through the “echo of the whistle”. Now, you’re playing your games in quite a large stadium, so I’m sure the whistle is still echoing a good five minutes after the play has ended. An extremely late and vicious hit would then be legal. At least, it would be to me, and that’s all that really matters. Yet none of you have been able to sack up and carry out this vital task.

I’m the one laying it all on the line here. I’m the one who had the courage to step up to the plate, anonymously and online, and ask someone to do my dirty work for me. That takes balls. That takes grit. That takes gumption. And others have stood up and taken notice. That’s right, the Tom Brady Knee Bounty Sensation is sweeping across the nation. Americans from all over have emailed in, asking to donate $20 of their own. These are good, hard-working people, people who deserve to see a man who has everything crippled on live national television.

It’s a grass roots campaign that’s spreading like goddamn wildfire. Why, just check out this guy with an acoustic guitar and a pirated copy of Final Cut. Or, how about an endorsement a little known guy named Michael freakin’ Wilbon?! To wit:

…if I was on the opposing team, I'd hit Tom Brady with everything I had as late as I could and take the penalty and join the fight that would surely follow. Football is a violent game and there's got to be somebody out there sharpening his fangs for the Patriots Golden Boy in the 4th quarter one of these weeks.

That’s right, kids. No need to read any deeper into the context. Michael Wilbon completely and unequivocally supports the KSK bounty on Tom Brady’s kneecaps. Finally, the mainstream media shows a little courage in their convictions.

And yet, here we are, NFL defenders. It’s midseason, and you’ve continued to let all of us down. You should be ashamed. You should go home right now and cut off your finger as penance, just like that one dude in “Black Rain” did.

Well, perhaps you need a bit more motivation. Perhaps drastic measures are needed here. Perhaps it is time… TO RAISE THE BOUNTY TO FIFTY WHOLE DOLLARS!!!!!


That’s right. Soak it in, NFL defenders. That’s Ulysses S. staring you right in the motherfuckin’ grill. He was one of our worst presidents ever, but the man rocked one hell of a beard. With this single $50 bill, your life could change FOREVER! Think of things you could buy:

-Showtime Rotisserie Grill (Set it and forget it, bitches)
-“Are You Being Served?” DVD box set
-Synthetic hair extensions
-Bottle of top shelf liquor (not for drinking, but for interior design purposes)
-Lunch for two at Houston’s (if you don’t order any alcohol)
-Balsa wood model boat kit
-Very large bag of asparagus

Holy fuck, that’s some good shit. But that’s not all. Act now, and I’m also throwing in this special Halloween bonus: an entire bag of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup singles.


That’s right. The Mona Lisa of trick-or-treating candy. No need to go from house to house dressed like Jacinth Baker with a knife sticking out of your chest. No need to knock on doors, hoping for a Reese’s cup (or a Fun Size Snickers. Snickers minis are horseshit), getting a roll of fucking Smarties, and then pissing on the side of the neighbor’s house. No, I’m giving you the good stuff directly.

So man up, Dwight Freeney and Robert Mathis. I got $50 and some delightful Halloween treats for you if you give Tom Brady’s calf a good forearm shiver. C’mon, guys. He rocked a pageboy cap in his last press conference. Don’t you just want to tear that motherfucker to pieces? Don’t let me down.

No, strike that. Don’t let AMERICA down.

God Dammit, Start Injuring Some GOOD Quarterbacks For A Change

God dammit, NFL defenders. What the fuck is wrong with you? Did I not just offer you 30 whole dollars to take out Tom Brady’s knees? Someone even set up a Facebook group to push this cause on the grass roots level. And what do you do? You go out and injure all the SHITTY QB’s. Look at this list of QB’s who have missed time:

Trent Green
Jake Delhomme
David Carr
Kurt Warner
Matt Leinart
JP Losman
Steve McNair
Marc Bulger
Chad Pennington
Tarvaris Jackson
Vince Young

What’s the point of injuring David Carr? That’s like robbing the Take-a-penny tray at the Mobilmart. Look at him. He was fucking begging for you to injure him. Oooh, are you planning to take out John Fourcade next? Diabolical!

Fuckheads.

Stop wasting your time with these slapdicks and go after the big prize, you bastards. I’m talking the Bradys, and Favres, and Mannings of the world: the guys who like to rest a sandwich on Kornheiser’s head while he works their shafts. THOSE are the fuckers I would enjoy seeing writhing on the ground in agony. Instead, I get some piddly-shit VY quad injury. Fuck that. Stop wasting your time with these jayvee bitches. Use your head. There’s a helmet on top of it that is very hard and can break a fibula just *snap* like that.

And you call yourselves crazed dogs. You ain’t crazed SHIT.

EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY – The Bounty On Tom Brady’s Knees Increased To $30

God dammit, NFL defenders. I made you people a nice offer two weeks ago. All you had to do was take out Tom Brady’s knees, and a crisp $20 bill was your reward. Well, here we are. I still got $20, and I still don’t see no ruptured tendons. Let me just again state how much money we’re talking about here.


TWENTY. DOLLARS. American. That’s a lotta fucking money. When I was your age, I would’ve killed for that kind of cash. I could have bought all the PB Max bars I wanted. But I guess that’s not enough for you, Mr. Moneybags. I guess you have all the money in the world to blow on Venezuelan hookers and dog fighting money laundering services. I guess I haven’t offered you the proper incentive to grab Tom Brady by the ankle and give him a nice big twist. All right. Fine. Have it your way. Perhaps you need an even bigger motivation. Perhaps you need… AN INCREASED BOUNTY!


You see that? That’s ten dollars. Again, American. No fooling. I’m adding it to my twenty-dollar offer for a grand total of THIRTY MOTHERFUCKING DOLLARS.



I wish there were a thirty-dollar bill to make this bounty look more impressive, but there is not. Still, $30. Jackson and Hamilton... TOGETHER! Think of the prestige! I know $20 is a lot, but this is 50% more! Jesus, think of all the shit you can buy with that:

-3 1/2 copies of Club International
-Blood sugar testing kit
-Toaster oven at Bed, Bath and Beyond
-750 mL bottle of Knob Creek. Fucking Knob Creek, man! I’d sell my child for a bottle of Knob Creek, it burns so good
-Street abortion
-The film rights to Ethan Hawke’s next novel
-Three months subscription to savannamakeme.com
-Timex Indiglo watch
-Butterball turkey
-Bottle of Stetson (and that’s the cologne, not the eau de toilette)
-Base haircut at Jean Louis David (tip not included)

Fuckin’ A, man. That sounds mighty impressive to me.

Listen, man. I need this. I’m a goddamn Viking fan. There’s no hope for me. Fuck, there’s no hope for any of the rest of us. I saw that Patriots team play last night. They’re fucking awesome. They’re going 16-0. It’s not even silly to consider anymore. They may not win a game by less than 10 points all year. And I can’t handle that. Okay? I don’t think people like this deserve that kind of team:



And that’s the one black Patriot fan! The white ones are 50 times worse! Why do you think that guy has to wear a mask?!

I’m tired of your excuses. “But Drew, I don’t want to risk a penalty!” “But Drew, that’s immoral!” “But Drew, you’re a horrible person!” Shelve it. This is football. This is a man’s game. And real men do their best to violate the spirit of the game in order to rob another man of his livelihood. I’m tired of you injuring players like Cadillac Williams, Steven Jackson, and Rudi Johnson. You’re not focusing your energies, here. If you want my $30, you have to take down the big cheese. You gotta lower that shoulder get right into the legmeat. No fucking around. Like this:



THAT is what I’m looking for. So man up, and get this done. Thirty whole dollars awaits. Make it happen.

NOTE: To those of you who want the Pats to break the record just to shut the '72 Dolphins up, let me ask you: How often do you run into a '72 Dolphin? Are they really that annoying? Besides, they're all nearly dead. They won't be able to pop no more champagne once the Grim Reaper takes them. Now imagine having to deal with some smug Pats fan at a bar hanging his hat on that for the next 40 years. I'll take Larry Csonka any day, thank you very much.

EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY - $20 Bounty On The Knees Of Tom Brady

Dear NFL Defenders,

You see this?

That’s a crisp, clean $20 bill. And it can be yours. All yours. All you have to do is one very simple thing: take out the knees of Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, shown here with knees that are far too functional for my taste.


I waited seven goddamn months for this season to start. And while I knew deep in my heart before the season that my team had absolutely no shot of winning the Super Bowl (my team, in fact, may be the worst in the league), I at least like to enjoy keeping up the illusion that my team has a shred of hope.

Well, it’s patently obvious now that the illusion is gone, as it is for 30 other NFL fan bases not located in Boston or Indiana. And I’m not happy about it. But, rather than sit here and bitch about, I’m gonna be proactive. That’s why I’m reinstituting the kneehunting bounty back into the NFL. The days of the good ol’ bounty died when Buddy Ryan retired. But I am a big fan of all things retro, so I’m bringing it back, Reggie Dunlop style. Ryan never got to Aikman's knees. But I'm gonna succeed where that old coot failed. FUCKING BOUNTY HUNT, BITCH!

This is not a joke. If you successfully take out Brady’s knees, I will really send you a $20 bill. American. Not counterfeit. Lest you think $20 isn’t a lot of money, consider what you can buy with $20:

-Many peanuts
-Bottle of Popov
-Blowjob (inner city)
-1/10th of a blowjob (suburbs)
-Top shelf KSK merchandise
-Two Cosi sandwiches
-Two months of Netflix
-Multiple discount rack DVD’s of fine films like “Jack the Bear”, “The Avengers”, and “A Fine Mess”
-100% syrup Squishie

The possibilities are endless. More importantly, you’ll have the gratitude of millions of other NFL fans, fans who would like to enjoy the season, instead of having to listen to endless slurping of the Patriots as they notch 30-point win after 30-point win, while assfuck Patriot fans like Bill Simmons whine why no one likes them. My dislike of that man and his kind has now become completely irrational. So consuming is my hatred that I rarely think of anything else, and that makes masturbation hard. So please, save me. And my penis.

But you MUST take out those knees. You cannot collect your bounty unless you are able to seriously injure Brady to the point where he cannot finish the season. Don’t come to me and say, “Drew, I sprained that white asshole’s knee! Gimme my money!” No way. I’m looking for definite tearing of ligaments and/or tendons. No concussions, because Belichick will just force his ass to play anyway. You gotta go for the legs. And you gotta go hard. Here are some images of just what is I’m looking for.





Is that worthy of my $20? Fuck and yes.

Now many of you will decry this bounty as “evil”, "sick", and “unsportsmanlike”. WRONG. Sportsmanship is all about being fair. Well, I see nothing fair about the Patriots being so much better than anyone else. It’s un-American, and I won’t stand for it. And Tom Brady can suck it up. He’s got three Super Bowl rings, millions of dollars, a hotass lady, and a new kid he doesn’t have to take care of. Personally, I think a little adversity would do him some good.

And this is all perfectly legal. At least, I think it's legal. I'm not sure it's legal. I'm pretty sure this is a felony. But I'm sure we can finesse the anti-bounty arm of the FBI somehow. It was legal on "Deadwood", and that's good enough for me.

And please note that this bounty can grow! During the season, I’ll be keeping track of which defenders have done their very best to maim Brady, and I’ll be upping the bounty accordingly. If KSK readers would like to add to the bounty, that would also be fine. I've already raised money for a good cause this year. Time to raise money for something completely disgusting. So aim low, my friends. The fate of the NFL is in your hands. Twenty whole dollars can be yours. So sweep the fucking leg.

Sincerely,

A Very Brave And Anonymous Internet Blogger