Smug Face vs. Fug Face. WHO YA GOT?

The top two seeds in the AFC last season are barely hanging onto faint playoff hopes with only a few weeks remaining in the regular season. When heads eventually roll, they'll probably bear the visages of these two clowns. Likely, incompetence will emerge Hydra-like from the stumps. In the meantime, we can find out who'll be king of the unemployment line in the offseason. WHO YA GOT?

Contestants

Brian Billick_______Norv Turner


Springboard to head coaching job

1998 Vikings_________'91-'93 Cowboys


Favorite stench

Own farts_________Failure


Thanksgiving experience

Changing recipes, chiding family for disliking the results___burning cereal


Hero

Ronald Reagan_____________Ronald Raygun


Excuse for losing

Gameplan perhaps too brilliant____________Marmalard


All they want for Christmas

BOOT! BOOT! BOOOOOOOT!_______________Journey album


Finishing move

Condescension toward doubters______Getting hired by another team

Yinz vs. Hons. WHO YA GOT?

As SBXLI 1/2 occupies all discourse, both rational and Easterbrookian, this week, a few other somewhat compelling matches are getting the short shrift. Among them is a battle for the AFC North in which I have absolutely no emotion invested. No, I don't hate Baltimore at all. I hear it's a wonderful city to get murdered in. 500 some odd people a year can't be wrong. So, WHO YA GOT?

Contestants

Pittsburgh___________________Baltimore

Socioeconomic status

Working class________________Murdering class

Things too horrifying to contemplate

Steely McBeam__________"The higher the hair, the closer to God."

Faux pas

Pretension______________Snitching

Concession to fashion

Terrible Towel and ski goggles(Dan Cortese, is that you?)__Purple camo pants, outstanding warrant

Unironic city slogans

"Imagine what you can do"________________"The city that reads"

Hometown beer no longer brewed in hometown

Rolling Rock_____________________Natty Boh

Hated by

Ufford__________________God

Constant disappointment

Ricardo Colclough_________Brian Billick, life

Finishing move

Moving out of Pittsburgh____________Getting killed in Baltimore

God declares Billick's play calling to be “some bullshit”

Proof of divine connection: from a murder arrest
to walking away with a humble.

God, the omnipotent, all-knowing supreme being of all creation this week proclaimed Brian Billick's call of three straight pass plays in short yardage situations to be “some bullshit, man.” These words were conveyed through the Lord's chosen spokesman to mankind, Ravens' linebacker Ray Lewis. In an address to his faithful, God, who in his eternal wisdom, has seen fit to deliver his blessed word via medium frequency Towson, Maryland sports radio, went on to describe the Raven's record thus far to be “straight-up bullshit.”

Despite being able to commune directly with the hearts and minds of all living creatures though the power of the Holy Spirit, God chose to express his proclamations through the vessel that is a rapidly-deteriorating linebacker prone to lawless behavior. Former Raven Adalius Thomas has characterized the team as having a “me-first” locker room. The Almighty-through-Lewis called these comment, “just mo' bullshit, y'all.”

The holy communicational hierarchy.

When long-time listener, first time-blaspheming heretic “Barry from Dundalk” suggested that God should consider the shaky pass coverage of corner Corey Ivy, a perturbed Yahweh/Allah/Vishnu/Jah made it clear that he “ain't even trying to hear that bullshit, man.” The Creator chastised Barry, whose soul had just been rendered forfeit for eternity, and reminded him that He “would go upside that head wit' a quickness.”

The Word of the Almighty can be heard at 1300 on your AM dial, Monday afternoons between the Stephen A. Smith Show and “B-more Sports Nutz Weekly”.