KSK Guide to American Football For Pussified Countries Of The International Arena: England!

NOTE: With the Giants/Dolphins game going on this Sunday at Wembley, I thought I'd repost the England guide from this summer's international series. Enjoy.

Hello, English people! Or should I say, top of the marnin’ to ya? Huh? Huh? It’s my honor to take you on a tour of all things NFL and explain why it might appeal to you folks in London, or as I like to call it, “Seattle With Funny Accents.” No doubt you’ve heard of the NFL, but haven’t had the chance to learn more about it because you were too busy breathlessly overhyping lousy bands (“The new Travis album is absolutely MASSIVE!”) and eating spoonfuls of mayonnaise straight from the jar. But with this crash course, I think you’ll learn to lurve the NFL almost as much as you enjoy the comedic stylings of Ruby Wax.

In addition, you Brittainians have been bestowed with the honor of hosting the first-ever regular season NFL game to be played on European soil. Unfortunately, Sunday's game will be played between the New York Giants and Miami Dolphins, which means it will bear more than a striking resemblance to the American Bowl preseason games and London Monarchs WLAF games of years past. My apologies. Nevertheless, that didn’t stop 40,000 of you from snapping up tickets for the game at Wembley the day they went on sale. Sure, most of those tickets were probably bought by American citizens living abroad. But I’m sure the remaining 6 of you actual UK natives will learn to enjoy watching Eli Manning overthrow receivers with the same inexplicable sense of schadenfreude as us Americans.

So, in preparation for Sunday, here’s a handy Let’s Go guide to the NFL tailored to the sensibilities of all you pasty, strawberry-blond Limeys. Now let’s get pissed on some American football!

What You’ll Think Is Ace About The NFL:
-The Manning family. They’re just like the Royal Family, only somehow more inbred
-With Americans in the stands, you’ll have a proper outlet for violent hooliganism
-Tampa QB Jeff Garcia only man on Earth gayer than Graham Norton
-Excuse to drink pints of Beamish Red every Sunday between the hours of 6:15PM and 5:30AM
-FOX camerawork eerily resembles hacky jump-cutting of a Guy Ritchie film
-Terrible Dolphins offense mimics the start-stop rhythms of Dizzie Rascal
-Gives Americans something to occupy themselves, delaying them from doing horrible things like invading sovereign nations and producing American remake of “Coupling”
-Fun to notice differences between Stuart Scott's lazy eye and Thom Yorke's lazy eye
-Halftime show allows for quick trip to Sainsbury's for HP Sauce and cold meat pies
-Opportunity to see heterosexual black men, of which England is conspicuously absent
-Being across the Atlantic means John Madden cannot visit
-British affinity for the words “cunt”, “cunty”, and “cunting” will really help drive the inherent sexism in the sport home
-Frequent stoppages in play allow Brits more time to enjoy national pastime of cattily bitching about everything
-Stern NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell would be quite adept at quelling any Irish uprising ("Oh, I'm sorry! Our troops were supposed to use rubber bullets!")
-Switching to NFL allows transition from shitty blogs like Arseblog to superior dick joke blogs like KSK

What You’ll Think Is Absolute Shite About The NFL:
-The padding. Yes, yes, rugby players are tougher because they don’t wear pads and play exclusively in hot pants (nice kit!). Whatever. I’m sure Ray Lewis wouldn’t last one second playing for Leicester. You keep on believing that
-For Welsh fans: distracting amount of vowels in player’s last names
-Not enough advertising on uniforms or field
-Massive Jason Taylor robot will eat your wee ones
-Lack of Carling scarves in the crowd
-The coaches. American coaches are far less histrionic than their British soccer counterparts. You’ll never hear things like, “WHAT IS THIS UGLINESS?” from an American coach. Sir Alex Ferguson has more charisma in his gusset than Andy Reid does in his whole big fat body
-Joe Buck. Yes, we also hate him here. So why do we put him on television? No clue. Tough shit. He’s your problem now
-Game played by group of people that still fail to acknowledge subpar talents of Robbie Williams

Tailgate Options:
We all know British food tastes like fresh parrot shit (Cloves? Tom Collins mix? Frozen pie crust? Mmmmm!). But, luckily for you, the early 20th century British slave trade created an influx of Indian immigrants that actually knew how to make passable cuisine. That’s why I suggest an all-Indian tailgate party outside of Wembley. Feast on Aloo Gobi, Samosas, Chicken Tikka Masala, Daal, Naan, and other tasty dishes. But make sure you get some meat in there. That all-vegetarian thing with Indian food is for faggots men who enjoy the company of other men.

Players That Will Appeal To British Sensibilities:
-Eli Manning. No one’s whiter than Eli Manning
-All kickers
-All punters
-Suspended players Chris Henry and Pacman Jones will happily reenact the drunken escapades of Jennifer Saunders and Joanna Lumley
-Persistent fuckup Michael Vick like a black, mobile Pete Doherty
-Dhani Jones. Literate linebacker could pass himself off as lead singer of Bloc Party if need be

I hope you British folk enjoyed our condescending little tour through our American footie league. We’ll see you at Wembley on Sunday! Thought you were seeing Paul Rodgers fronting Queen and destroying Freddie Mercury’s legacy that night? Boy, are you in for a surprise!

KSK Guide to American Football For Pussified Countries Of The International Arena: China!

Now that the NFL has decided to start playing games abroad in an attempt to extend their global fanbase, we at KSK have taken it upon ourselves to begin a multi-part series schooling our international friends in all things NFL. Next up: China, with your tour guide Orson Swindle, of the great Every Day Should Be Saturday. Take it away, Orson.

China, you won't understand this, because you all speak Chinese. Or so I'm told. I went there with a 500 word vocabulary, which seemed like 495 words too many, since the five words most Chinese people use every day to a curly haired filthy bearded laowai are foreigner, hello, aaiiiiiggggh!, prostitute, and beer. Those five in combination with yes and no should get you through most situations, as shown in the following sentence:

"Yes, foreigner. Prostitute? No. Beer? No? Aiiiiiiiigggggh!"

China's got a billion people, so you know some of them can be conned into watching the NFL simply because there are a billion people in China, and over one hundred million of them don't seem to do anything but smoke. And if the NFL has a target market, it's people who sit around doing nothing but smoking--look at where they put their last four expansion teams. Cleveland, Houston, Jacksonville, and Charlotte are all chain-smoking zombievilles like most rural Chinese villages are, except without the thrill of dodging randomly placed feces of undetermined origin on the street.

[Correction: Jacksonville has plenty of randomly placed feces, but of definite origin. It's 100% pure incontinent retiree shit. We apologize for the error.]

Anyway, they're allegedly going to rule this century, so we might as well send them our ultimate weapon: the NFL.

China will hen xihuan...

-China is an ancient culture full of past glories that happened millenia ago, which Chinese people will obnoxiously remind you of while they shoo away beggars and hock loogies loudly onto the ground. The Dallas Cowboys should have an immediate toehold on dominating this kind of a market.

--Booming business in Beijing's state-sanctioned sex toy shops with arrival of Fred Smoot.

--As in the NFL, hooliganism is a crime punishable by death in China, meaning Roger Goodell could have Mike Vick and Pac Man Jones put to death by state mandate with no union muss or fuss. This is still something China would fucking love--they hold their executions in stadiums.

--Culture of rampant gambling and mad speculation means ex-NFLer Art Schlicter has an instant 'in' as a spokesperson.

--Mutual appreciation by Chinese people and NFL players of expensive, gas-flavored cognac and solid-gold plumbing fixtures.

--China will open new export market in illegal supplements to Shawn Merriman, who will immediately test positive for unsanctioned levels of bear bile, tiger penis, and lead in his blood. (Lead, you ask? This is a Chinese export. Chocked full fo lead for your convenience.)

--Just like the NFL, no one in China has AIDS.

--NFL offers new way to punish dissidents, who could be assigned to life of quiet torture in the gulag that is the Washington Redskins front office.

--Uniform playbooks? Crushing conformity of thought? We smell romance.


China will run over the NFL with a tank like a student protester for...

--19 hour work days for NFL coaches? Pussies.

--Esera Tualo, Peter King and Bret Favre also practice a felony punishable by death in China.

--Bill Cowher's inability to father a son makes him a laughing stock as an analyst and announcer.

--NFL? Mostly black guys. China? All Asian chicks. A match made in heaven for NFL players, and in hell for Chinese men.

--Players' inability to smoke during plays.

--The presence of that dirty half-breed Korean Hines Ward.

--Rich Eisen's sweaty, desperate display of "yellow fever" whenever a Chinese woman is around.

--Pregame buffets sadly devoid of braised chicken asshole.

--"Dragon Bringing Sun To Earth" Mantis Kung Fu Throat Chop sadly forbidden under NFL rules.

KSK Guide to American Football For Pussified Countries Of The International Arena: Czech Republic!

Now that the NFL has decided to start playing games abroad in an attempt to extend their global fanbase, we at KSK have taken it upon ourselves to begin a multi-part series schooling our international friends in all things NFL. Up next: the Czech Republic!

Hey Czech people. I was just in your country, or is it just a half-country now? Whatever, but it’s great, man. It's like a Disneyland for communism! Well, I guess you're not communist anymore, not since '68. Or was it '89? Or…was it…’69. Hehe, 69. G0dammit, that’s some fucking platinum shit right there.

Anyway, there were two things that blew me away about your fine nation, I mean, aside from the fact I wanted to run through the streets shooting people while screaming jibberish in a German accent. First off, you have some damn fine women over there. Holy shit. I could just be walking down the street in Prague, and I’d see some Chesky that’s so damn hot, I just want to drag her by the hair into a convenience store and fuck her brains out until they’re splattered all over the gum. It’s just unbelievable how smokin’ those girls are. Secondly, you guys really like meat. What's up with that?

So I think you guys are really going to like the NFL. It’s kinda like your futbol, except in our game, when a guy goes down to the soil, gripping his knee in agony, he’s actually hurt. And none of our uniformed participants look like they just stepped out a gay bar, or a Cyndi Lauper concert, which is pretty much how every native guy in the Czech Republic wants to dress. You want to see somebody that’s loud, you fucking commies? Go stand in front of a mirror.

Oh, that’s right, you’re not communist any more. My bad, dawg.

When in Rome, do as the Romans do. When in Prague, feel up tits.

But back to these Czech broads for just a second, I mean, I can see why none of you own cars over there, because you could just catch a glimpse of some holka at a red light and your fucking erection would pop right through the steering column. I mean, it's just one fine honey after another. More than once, I've just wanted to follow one to a currency exchange station and watch her exchange her korunas for English pounds while I pound the little Englishman in my pants. Sweet Mother of Pearl!

One of the things about the NFL that you might have trouble…actually, if I could go back to the women again for a second: I mean, I spent a good chunk of my life in the States trying to woo these broads that have been grazing on McDonalds and wasting all their time buying clothes that match. And they parade down the street, like 4 or 5 to a group, like they’re a bunch of fucking somebodys, like God's chosen cattle or some shit. "Uh, don't you just LOVE my new SHOES?" Sure thing, Heather. I'll agree with whatever stupidity you can muster if it gets me sex.

Meanwhile, just across the ocean are these foxy, unassuming communist girls that will line up outside my hotel room to vacuum my floor with one hand and stick a wet finger up my ass with the other. And they won't give a shit if I don't ask them about their day! You guys are onto something over there.

Okay, okay. You’re not communist anymore. Whatever.

But even as a grown man, I find myself overwhelmed by this new race of submissive super-snatch, like that one time my parents left town and I had to wash the dog. I mean, sure, I could thread fishing line through young Petra’s clit and tie the other end to a door and slam it all night long, but is that what’s best for her? Is that what’s best for America?

Now I’m not saying I have to gag her with an Abercrombie T-shirt before I fuck her in the ass and write the Declaration of Independence on her back from memory using a Sharpie. But I think that, as an American—-no, as a part of the leadership of the free world, I owe my service to the women of the Czech Republic. I owe it to them to let capitalism reign, to let it prosper, just as each and every one of them owes it to me to get her tonsils poked out by my stiff liberator while one of my friends tags her from behind and she hums the chorus to Battle Hymn of The Republic.

Glo-ry Glo-ry Hal-le-lu-jah!
Glo-ry Glo-ry Hal-le-lu-jah!
Glo-ry Glo-ry Hal-le-lu-jah!
His truth is march-ing on!

I mean, after all, you’re not communist anymore.

KSK Guide to American Football For Pussified Countries Of The International Arena: Iraq!

Now that the NFL has decided to start playing games abroad in an attempt to extend their global fanbase, we at KSK have taken it upon ourselves to begin a multi-part series schooling our international friends in all things NFL. Up next: Iraq!

Hey, Iraq. What's been goin' on? Civil war, you say? Bummer. Things were going so well when I left, what with all the celebrating and firing into the air and looting and what have you. My buddies and I would have stopped you from looting, but you looked like you were having such a good time. Plus, we didn't get any orders for three days after Saddam abdicated. You know how it goes.

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you how much I liked the people in your country. Seriously. Your kids are all cute and skinny (I hate fat children) and eager to sell cigarettes, three attributes I admire in youngsters. And even though things have gone a little sour since 2003, I really appreciate being cheered when we rolled into Baghdad. Soooo much better than the volleys of rocket-propelled grenades we were expecting.

As a token of my gratitude, I'd like to introduce you to the NFL. You're going to like it so much, you'll forget all about how much your country is a complete fucking shithole.

Things about the NFL that will heal a war-torn country:

- Announcers' constant comparisons of players to "warriors" and game to "battle" will resonate instantly.
- Players' physical closeness and homoerotic overtones will enthrall Iraqi men.
- Detroit Lions front office makes Iraqi government look effective and efficient.
- Rioting after team wins Super Bowl much more gratifying when AK-47s fired into air.
- Dry, 115-degree heat at Arizona Cardinals' preseason camp registers as pleasantly warm to Iraqi fans.
- NFL players know what it's like to be killed by the U.S. Army.
- Sunnis, Shi'ites, and Kurds can agree to hate Bengals receiver T.J. Houshmandzadeh, whose father is Iranian. At least until they disagree over who hates him more, sparking an unbridgeable religious divide that results in thousands killed. Oh wait. Never mind about that last part.
- Most of the devoutly Christian players suck.
- NFL has teams in shitholes like Jacksonville, Cleveland, Baltimore, Pittsburgh, Detroit, and Oakland, so an expansion team in Baghdad isn't out of the question.
- Games on only once a week, so plenty of time left over for country's other favorite pastimes: soccer and treating women like mules.
- Plaxico Burress's rare combination of machismo and cowardice certain to appeal to Iraqi sensibilities.
- Ravens players will embark on a United Way campaign to scour Baltimore railyards for corrugated metal with which to build homes in southern Iraq.
- Opportunity to join most of America in disliking the Colts.


Things about the NFL that may result in more suicide bombings:

- Browns tight end Kellen Winslow is a soldier.
- Tom Brady spent his offseason favoring equally shitty countries in Africa.
- Texas has two teams.
- Bombing team headquarters and stadiums to show your displeasure frowned upon in America.
- Obvious favorite team renamed the Titans.
- The most common Iraqi professions are farming and goat herding, limiting the amount of time that can be spent online conducting fantasy trades during working hours.
- Brady Quinn not gay enough.
- All-powerful Christian God often thanked for touchdowns and victories, never responsible for losses.
- Relegation of women to sideline reporters and cheerleaders not demeaning enough.
- Exposure of cheerleaders' skin might, I don't know, result in a boner or something. Seriously, what the fuck. Making people dress in head-to-toe garments in 130-degree heat isn't religious tradition, it's just being an asshole.

NOTE: Obviously, a lot of shit about a complicated situation has been simplified for jokery here. Let's try to keep things away from a contentious and excruciatingly unfunny discussion of geopolitics in the comments, please.

KSK Guide to American Football For Pussified Countries Of The International Arena: France!

Now that the NFL has decided to start playing games abroad in an attempt to extend their global fanbase, we at KSK have taken it upon ourselves to begin a multi-part series schooling our international friends in all things NFL. Up next: France!

Liberty's got some nice tit-tays.

Greetings, Frenchmen! Welcome to Kissing Suzy Kolber. We're here today to promote Roger Goodell's global agenda and convince you of the Truth: that the NFL is the greatest sports league on the planet. Now, there are a lot of ugly stereotypes about the French: they're snobby, their women don't shave their armpits, they're genetically inferior weaklings since consecutive World Wars wiped out two generations of physically fit men. But that's a bit overblown. In truth, many French women shave their armpits.

Please note, people of France, that I like your country. I selected you in the country draft, after all. Sure, I regret taking four years of French class in high school and college, as not speaking Spanish has been a huge impediment to my Latina fetish. But I've visited L'Hexagone from Gay Paree (which was gay) to Nice (which was nice), so I think I know what you fine Frogs can appreciate about the NFL... and a few things you may choose to pass on as well.

Things about the NFL that will make you say, "FORMIDABLE!"

- Parisians are obnoxious, have overblown senses of self, and know little about their own country outside of their immediate geography. Which means they should find an immediate kinship with New England fans.

- Rampant, institutional racism gives French a head start on becoming talking heads who claim whites are better suited to play quarterback.

- John Madden's skull rumored to be filled with delicious triple-creme Brie.

- Meteoric rise to stardom of Kurt Warner, followed by his collapse into mediocrity and obscurity, reminiscent of Juliette Binoche.

- Very few Muslims.

- TJ Houshmandzadeh: Persian, not Arab. So it's okay to like him.

- Pétanque, a kind of lawn-bowling, is the most popular "sport" in France. Good news: fantasy football requires even less physical activity!

- No French NFL player has embarrassed himself with sorry attempts at rapping and an engagement to a B-list TV star on the decline. Suck on that, NBA.

- Descendants of Charles de Gaulle and the Free French will appreciate the Cleveland Browns' outward defiance of their enemies while they get their asses handed to them.

- In an attempt to gain French support, the Houston Texans' offensive linemen have been renamed "the Maginot Line."

- Drinking absinthe an excellent way to deal with cheering for Arizona Cardinals.

Things about the NFL that will make you say, "ZUT ALORS!

- Fans of La Cage aux Folles may find Brady Quinn too gay.

- Long snappers Jean-Phillippe "J.P." Darche (Chiefs) and Louis-Phillippe "L.P." Ladouceur (Cowboys) forced to go by initials due to Americans' inability to accept faggy French names.

- Despite Gene Upshaw's obvious likeness to Vichy France, he still hasn't been able to round up all the Jews in the NFL.

- Cheeseheads worn by Packers fans actually made of foam, and thus far inferior to Camembert helmets worn in Normandy.

- Drinking wine at an NFL game is a huge faux pas. Except in the luxury boxes. And San Francisco.

- No chance of Roger Goodell getting the Marie Antoinette treatment.

- Frenchmen visiting America's southern coast for football will be disappointed learn that Jacksonville and New Orleans aren't exactly the Riviera.

- Robots featured in FOX telecasts terrifying to cheese-eatin' surrender monkeys.

- Steelers fans reminiscent of Basque separatists.

Bonne chance, mes amis! And remember, if some clown in a Cowboys jersey tries to tell you how America is far superior to your homeland, politely remind him that the drinking age in France is twelve.

KSK Guide to American Football For Pussified Countries Of The International Arena: Italy!

Now that the NFL has decided to start playing games abroad in an attempt to extend their global fanbase, we at KSK have taken it upon ourselves to begin a multi-part series schooling our international friends in all things NFL. Next up: Italy.

Saluti, gli italiani! I know you think we Americans are a slovenly, uncouth and boorish sort. We just don't seem to share your appreciation for the concepts of "La Bella Figura," "La Dolce Vita" and all that other shit with tons of vowels that just means looking good while being lazy.

As I've mentioned previously, I spent a semester in college in Siena, a small Tuscan town known for a horse race and people who pronounce C's as H's. As such, Coca Cola becomes Hoha Hola. It's amusing less than once.

American culture has a stranglehold on the population, but not in a eeriely interesting Japanese way. Italian rap is only to be listened to by the masochistic and the damned. This doesn't stop anti-Americanism from rearing its ugly, faux-hawked or greasy (depending on which variation of Italian pussybasket you're dealing with) head. I was accosted and almost jumped by five guys in Naples during the first week of the Iraq War. Praise be that I'm a total bitch and can run very fast. This should be no surprise; Naples is an utter shithole. I was clearly duped and I think it's because the Naples-as-shithole image has not been properly communicated to the prospective traveler. The only reason to go is to book it to the port to take a quick trip to Capri, whose sun is no more refreshing than any other. Naples is really the Baltimore of Europe, which means fewer ugly squat women with beehive haircuts but just as much crime.

Though American culture is rife in Italy, football doesn't seem like a natural fit for its countrymen, who typically prefer non-contact sports like smoking, bocce ball and living with their mothers until they're 40. Okay, they enjoy some contact.

There was, however, at least one incredibly grating sign that they're making an effort. My first month there, I had to watch the tape delay of the Steelers/Titans '02 divisional round playoff game -- y'know, the one where Dewayne Washington supposedly ran into Joe Nedney on the OT FG and forced me to kill again -- on the smallest bar TV in some Australian themed pub while a bunch of skeezy Sienese townies picked up the spoiled, slutty girls in my program (that's what I get for going with UMass-Amherst). Anyway, one fine ragazzo felt the need to inform me every few minutes throughout this nerve-wracking game that, "I like-ah dees game, dees football, but I no understand. Oooh, what was-ah that happensing?"

So, following that one guy's example, here's how the NFL will excite your pene. Remember: pene means penis and penne means pasta. Be sure to accentuate that second "N" for your waiter. You'll be glad that you did.

What You’ll Think Is Bello About The NFL:
-Roger Goodell may be evil, but he makes the trains run on time.
-Eric Mangini. Italian name, American waistline.
-League pleasantly devoid of Albanians or gypsys.
-Because of familiarity with vapid Italian television, Italians will actually find play-by-play announcers witty and urbane.
-NFL, like the Vatican, makes you feel guilty for everything you enjoy.
-Many small towns, including the one I stayed at, take siestas in the middle of the day. Residents of these towns will enjoy players like Plaxico Burress, who take large chunks of the season off.
-Kool-Aid Maroney's favorite drink a passable substitute for Chianti.
-Italian women are crazy for cheap sentiment, which is the NFL's stock in trade. Actually, Italian women are just crazy.

What You’ll Think Is Brutto About The NFL:
-Not enough communism.
-Far too little corruption for Italian standards.
-Stadiums don't play Paolo Conte.
-No team in Los Angeles, therefore Aria Giovanni doesn't attend games.
-Lots of moulies.
-Ravens style of play will remind Italians at first of catenaccio, but then they'll just realize it's only because their offense is dreadful.
-Women permitted to attend games, thus not at home cooking and rearing children.
-Italians refer to doggy-style as "alla pecorina" or, translated literally, sheep-style. This has nothing really to do with football, but only further serves to illustrate that Italians are ineffably odd.

KSK Guide To American Football For Pussified Countries Of The International Arena: Germany!

Now that the NFL has decided to start playing games abroad in an attempt to extend their global fanbase, we at KSK have taken it upon ourselves to begin a multi-part series schooling our international friends in all things NFL. Next up: Germany.

Guten tag, herrs and hausfraus! If there is one nation on the European continent eager to embrace American football, it is you, fair Germans. With your love of sausage, your dormant-but-still-present hankering for fascism, and your unnecessarily intricate language, the NFL is custom-tailored to you, the German viewer! It’s why 135% of all NFL Europa teams play in the Fatherland.

I’ve been to Germany twice. Actually, that’s a lie. I’ve been to Bavaria twice. Bavarians, of course, consider themselves their own nation. It’s just like South Carolina, only it has a more successful history in ethnic cleansing. Touring Munich, I was wowed by its natural beauty and hideous population. There are so many dorks in your country, o Germans, I thought I had wandered into a Magic: The Gathering convention. Have none of you heard of contact lenses? I also visited a Munich cabaret. Americans might think a cabaret is the same as a strip club. It is not. You pay 10 euros to watch a semi-attractive German possible she-male dance around for 20 minutes before finally taking her top off, then scurrying off immediately thereafter. On the strokability scale, it ranks a solid negative 2! One of the dancers we saw there had nipples the size of saucers. Huzzah!

I also went to Dachau. Unfortunately, I went during lunch hour and had had no breakfast that morning. Ever try and eat a turkey sandwich and chips in the middle of a concentration camp? You will not have a more awkward ethical argument with yourself.

In my travels, and from watching “Top Secret!”, I learned many things about how to sell the NFL to you Deutsch folk. Read on, and you’ll discover why the NFL will make your schnitzengruben nice and firm.

What You’ll Think Is Gut About The NFL:
-Tom Coughlin
-Ugly Minnesota Vikings offense inspired by German architecture
-No Jews
-Philadelphia Eagles defensive coordinator Jim Johnson, who loves blitzes nearly as much as Rommel did
-Armchair quarterbacking perfect for Germans, who believe they do everything better then everyone else in the world
-Fat, loud asshole Chris Berman could pass self off as German
-Patriots coach Bill Belichick, like Ralph Fiennes in “Schindler’s List”, also enjoys standing on a tower and picking off women and children one by one
-“You Got Jack’d” segment mimics techniques of numerous Tom Twyker films
-League totally lacking in anything resembling humor
-Elaborate, overthought game plans inspired by German car engineers who can design a 600 hp BMW but can’t design a way to turn the LCD display off
-All coaches poorly dressed
-Frequent, attacking nature of game allows catharsis for the raving Imperialist lurking inside every German
-Cheerleaders made according to German purity laws
-Uniform pants not quite as much like lederhosen as NHL pants, but still darn close
-NFL team owner tradition of viewing games from box purposely echoes Hitler’s Olympic viewing technique
-Large number of black players perfect fit for the land of chocolate
-NFL Films head Steve Sabol is a second cousin of Leni Riefenstahl

What You’ll Think Is Scheisse About The NFL:
-Beer vendors unfamiliar with radler drink will refuse to pour Sprite into your beer. You homo
-Polka not played during halftime show
-Possible future NFL regular season game in Munich increases likelihood of obnoxious American tourist throwing up on your sister's durndel at the Hofbrauhaus
-No Hasselhoff
-Games played during crucial “coffee and cake” portion of day
-Players only come in helles or dunkels varieties
-Time-consuming nature of games robs Germans of favorite pastimes such as: laughing at own jokes, wearing colorful sweaters, and driving 150mph down a two-lane highway
-No sprockets. No dancing.

Tailgate Options:
I suggest an all-wurst tailgate for you, including bratwurst, weisswurst, cheddarwurst, wurstsalad, wurstsoda, wurstsauce, wurstdogs, and wurstcakes. Tailgate entertainment can be provided by Lily von Schtupp, the Teutonic Titwillow.

I hope you found this lesson both fun and utterly pedantic. Heil Germany and the NFL!

KSK Guide to American Football For Pussified Countries Of The International Arena: England!

Now that the NFL has decided to start playing games abroad in an attempt to extend their global fanbase, we at KSK have taken it upon ourselves to begin a multi-part series schooling our international friends in all things NFL. First up: England.

Hello, English people! Or should I say, top of the marnin’ to ya? Huh? Huh? It’s my honor to take you on a tour of all things NFL and explain why it might appeal to you folks in London, or as I like to call it, “Seattle With Funny Accents.” No doubt you’ve heard of the NFL, but haven’t had the chance to learn more about it because you were too busy breathlessly overhyping lousy bands (“The new Travis album is absolutely MASSIVE!”) and eating spoonfuls of mayonnaise straight from the jar. But with this crash course, I think you’ll learn to lurve the NFL almost as much as you enjoy the comedic stylings of Ruby Wax.

In addition, you Brittainians have been bestowed with the honor of hosting the first-ever regular season NFL game to be played on European soil. Unfortunately, that game will be played between the New York Giants and Miami Dolphins, which means it will bear more than a striking resemblance to the World Bowl preseason games and London Monarchs WLAF games of years past. My apologies. Nevertheless, that didn’t stop 40,000 of you from snapping up tickets for the game at Wembley the day they went on sale. Sure, most of those tickets were probably bought by American citizens living abroad. But I’m sure the remaining 6 of you actual UK natives will learn to enjoy watching Eli Manning overthrow receivers with the same inexplicable sense of schadenfreude as us Americans.

Until that magical day on October 28, here’s a handy Let’s Go guide to the NFL tailored to the sensibilities of all you pasty, strawberry-blond Limeys. So let’s get pissed on some American football!

What You’ll Think Is Ace About The NFL:
-The Manning family. They’re just like the Royal Family, only somehow more inbred
-With Americans in the stands, you’ll have a proper outlet for violent hooliganism
-Tampa QB's Jeff Garcia and Chris Simms only men on Earth gayer than Graham Norton
-Excuse to drink pints of Beamish Red every Sunday between the hours of 6:15PM and 5:30AM
-FOX camerawork eerily resembles hacky jump-cutting of a Guy Ritchie film
-Terrible Cleveland Browns offense mimics the start-stop rhythms of Dizzie Rascal
-Gives Americans something to occupy themselves, delaying them from doing horrible things like invading sovereign nations and producing American remake of “Coupling”
-Fun to notice differences between Stuart Scott's lazy eye and Thom Yorke's lazy eye
-Halftime show allows for quick trip to Sainsbury's for HP Sauce and cold meat pies
-Opportunity to see heterosexual black men, of which England is conspicuously absent
-Being across the Atlantic means John Madden cannot visit
-British affinity for the words “cunt”, “cunty”, and “cunting” will really help drive the inherent sexism in the sport home
-Frequent stoppages in play allow Brits more time to enjoy national pastime of cattily bitching about everything
-NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell looks oddly British
-Switching to NFL allows transition from shitty blogs like Arseblog to superior dick joke blogs like KSK

What You’ll Think Is Absolute Shite About The NFL:
-The padding. Yes, yes, rugby players are tougher because they don’t wear pads and play exclusively in hot pants (nice kit!). Whatever. I’m sure Ray Lewis wouldn’t last one second playing for Leicester. You keep on believing that
-For Welsh fans: distracting amount of consonants in player’s last names
-Not enough advertising on uniforms or field
-Lack of Carling scarves in the crowd
-The coaches. American coaches are far less histrionic than their British soccer counterparts. You’ll never hear things like, “WHAT IS THIS UGLINESS?” from an American coach. Sir Alex Ferguson has more charisma in his gusset than Andy Reid does in his whole big fat body
-Joe Buck. Yes, we also hate him here. So why do we put him on television? No clue. Tough shit. He’s your problem now
-Game played by group of people that still fail to acknowledge subpar talents of Robbie Williams

Tailgate Options:
We all know British food tastes like fresh parrot shit (Cloves? Tom Collins mix? Frozen pie crust? Mmmmm!). But, luckily for you, the early 20th century British slave trade created an influx of Indian immigrants that actually knew how to make passable cuisine. That’s why I suggest an all-Indian tailgate party outside of Wembley. Feast on Aloo Gobi, Samosas, Chicken Tikka Masala, Daal, Naan, and other tasty dishes. But make sure you get some meat in there. That all-vegetarian thing with Indian food is for faggots men who enjoy the company of other men.

Players That Will Appeal To British Sensibilities:
-Eli Manning. No one’s whiter than Eli Manning
-All kickers
-All punters
-Suspended players Chris Henry and Pacman Jones will happily reenact the drunken escapades of Jennifer Saunders and Joanna Lumley
-Persistent fuckup Michael Vick like a black, mobile Pete Doherty
-Dhani Jones. Literate linebacker could pass himself off as lead singer of Bloc Party if need be

I hope you British folk enjoyed our condescending little tour through our American footie league. We’ll see you at Wembley in October! Thought you were seeing Paul Weller Rodgers fronting Queen and destroying Freddie Mercury’s legacy that night? Boy, are you in for a surprise!

And, Dude, China Bowl Is Not The Preferred Nomenclature

I'm sitting at home last night seething and incoherently muttering to myself about death fantasies involving Richardo Colclough, Verron Haynes and a log splitter. And how Roethlisberger has 5 picks and no touchs in two starts. And how I had no weed. Even watching the Patriots get their Cotchery pounded in prime time provided little solace.

A clearing temporarily lifts from the fog of hate and, lo, bright, capsule-headed figures fill my screen and start gamboling around the field of Gillette Stadium. I thought it possible that I was having some anger-fuelled fever dream or that I had accidentally turned on Katamari Damacy, a frightening development because I don't own the game. Instead, it was the NFL's bemusing way of announcing that the league will hold an exhibition game next summer in Peking Bombay Mumbai Beijing between the Patriots and the Seahawks.

There have been 40 international preseason games and one Mexico outsourced regular season game since 1986. So it's gotten to a Simpsons level of pointless travel in foreign lands. I'm still waiting for the game in Rand McNally, frankly. I'm not entirely sure why it is that other countries would go apeshit over the first of several meaningless preseason games, but then I don't know why people here do either. But then I suppose it's the easiest way to get a display of American might in your country without being invaded.

Lest the 1 billion potential consumers, the ones the NFL is trying to lift from their benighted, one-baby ways, are unfamilar with the two teams that they'll get to see take five first-team snaps, NFL.com tells us, "CCTV is broadcasting the NFL's schedule of Sunday Night Football games live in China throughout the 2006 season, culminating with an on-site telecast of Super Bowl XLI. Seattle and New England each will appear on Sunday night at least twice this season."

That only leaves China a full year to learn the proper respect for the Patriots (last night may not have been the best start), getting just the right tea ceremony hoodie for Belichick, and letting the Seahawks install extra noise-pumping speakers into the stadium. This could also be the first meeting between Deion Branch and his former team. He's, I think, their second or third receiver and he used to be one member of the nameless passel of targets for Tom Brady. Isn't that exciting? China? China?