The End Of Brett Favre. The Beginning Of Favraro

I’ve been meaning to cancel my subscription to Sports Illustrated. Do I really need to know what Kristis Yamaguchi’s favorite food to microwave is? No, I do not. (She said “leftovers,” which isn’t even a fucking specific food. What a whore.) But I need something to read while I’m burning 5 calories an hour on the elliptical at the gym. (It does all the working out for you!)

But it’s clear now that I should spend my gym time reading whatever copy of Redbook someone left lying around instead. Because this week’s issue of SI contained a handful of letters to the editor regarding Brett Favre’s retirement that made me want to swallow my own head. And since I had to read this incredible dogshit, you do too.

Watching his play and his life for 17 years, we didn’t just see Brett Favre in that Number 4 jersey. We saw our uncle, our brother-in-law, or our fishing buddy. No, Brett wasn’t the greatest quarterback ever to have played. He was just the greatest GUY to ever play quarterback. We’re going to miss you, Brett.

-Scott Powell, Rexford, NY

I… I can’t even… must fight… homicidal urges…

ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME? YOU MUST BE SHITTING ME. YOU BE OPENING MY MOUTH RIGHT NOW AND SHITTING DIRECTLY INTO IT.

Here’s who Brett Favre was, Scotty. He was a very good, durable quarterback. Many times, you may have enjoyed watching him play the game with great skill and creativity. When he wasn’t throwing more interceptions than any player in league history. Other than that, you, Scotty Powell, KNOW FUCKING DICK ABOUT BRETT FAVRE. He’s a fucking stranger to you. For all you know, he boned your niece back at Southern Miss after hitting the ‘shine bong. YOU AREN’T FUCKING RELATED TO HIM. HE’S NOT YOUR GODDAMN POKER BUDDY. “Oooh, look at Brett! He likes to hunt! And he has stubble! He’s so much like me, it’s scary!” Jesus.

“Do you know Vince Vaughn? Have you ever met him? I feel like we’d really get along well. I just… he seems like a fun guy. I feel like we’d hang together well.”

There’s no tangible evidence that Brett Favre is a better person than Trent Dilfer, Jim Kelly, or hundreds of other people who have played the position. Maybe one day, I pray, we’ll be able to do a blood test for Kindness and Warmth. But, until that day, KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF.

But wait. There’s more.

People would laugh when I said “we” won or lost a game because “You’re not part of the team. You didn’t win or lose.” But I always felt like Brett Favre played for me, the fan, so, yes, we did, win and lose together. Every emotion I felt, I felt with him. Brett, enjoy your retirement. We love you, respect you, and, most of all, we will miss you.

-Anna Garcia, Arbuckle, CA

Actually, Anna, the people laughing at you were on to something. For you see, Brett Favre signed a contract with the Green Bay Packers that stipulated he play football in exchange for money and possible health benefits. It’s in writing. I SWEAR. I’m quite sure Favre was pleased to see fans happy with a Packer victory. Know who else felt the same way? EVERY OTHER PLAYER ON THE TEAM. “Omigod! He won that game just for me!” “Omigod! He felt sad after a loss! I felt the exact same way!” “Omigod! He’s jumping up and down after a touchdown! I DO THAT!”

Indeed. Amazing.

The NBA will never replace Michael Jordan, and the NFL will never replace Brett Favre.

-Craig Earl, North Logan, Utah

Actually, Craig. They replaced him well before he retired. Ever watch Tom Brady or Peyton Manning play quarterback? They’re just like Favre, only they don’t throw 500 ill-advised, back-breaking interceptions a year! Who knew you could have your cake and eat it too?

Do you know what’s happening here? Brett Favre has officially become just like fucking Barbaro. A bunch of retard fans, easily swayed by the “special” status bestowed upon Favre by the media, have begun making all sorts of baseless emotional connections with him. He was more than a quarterback! He was a family member! He attended my wedding in spirit! We have imaginary children together! Our lives are incredibly intertwined!

Enough already. You didn’t know Brett Favre, and he didn’t know you. He played for the team you liked and he was good at it. So much so that he became your favorite player. That's neat. But you wouldn't have known him any better if he had been a fucking horse. You admired him from afar. That’s it.

If that isn’t enough for your emotional needs, buy a fucking dog.

I’m Gonna Miss This Game, But I Think I’ll Miss Your Pathetic Asskissing Most Of All

You know I was on a plane comin’ up here today. And I was tryin’ to think of a way to let y’all here know that I was finished with football. And it was just so hard, because it brought back all these memories for me. There was the time we won the Super Bowl back in ’96. And all the great games we had this year on the way to the NFC title game. I thought about all that. And it’s just so hard to let that go. I’m gonna miss this game.

(chokes up)

But more than that, I’m gonna miss all the incredibly pathetic asskissing most of all.

I’m gonna miss the way all y’all used to hang on my nuts like they were a set of monkey bars. I’m gonna miss all the relentless verbal fellatio and paeans to my greatness that verged on being some kind of written rimjob. I loved that. THAT’S WHY I PLAYED FOOTBALL, MAN!

Hey, Peter! Man, you remember when I had that one autograph-seeking girl join us for dinner, and she was real excited? And then you almost came in your pants at my casual, aw-shucks way of including everyone?

(fights back tears)

I’m gonna miss that.

And Cris Collinsworth! Remember how you said just talking to me for a few minutes could help make anyone a better person? Jesus, am I gonna miss that kind of blind sycophancy! It was like you was flossin’ with my ass hair! I could practically taste your Aveda hair gel on the back of my teeth!

(grabs tissues)

I’m sorry. I just… I just didn’t realize it would be this hard. This is harder than Madden’s cock after watching me throw an interception 40 yards down the field.

I know I can still play this game. I really do. But I am just not prepared mentally to get back into the grind. Even though y’all would probably love that angle. FAVRE’S DEVIL-MAY-CARE APPROACH TO TAPE STUDY JUST CRAZY ENOUGH TO WORK! I could see Wright Thompson writing a headline like that. But, in the end, I just can’t risk you guys potentially wising up to me next year and actually daring to criticize me.

(starts openly crying)

I just can’t play football like that. I can’t.

As they say, all good things must come to an end. And this was definitely a good thing. I’m not sure anyone in this game has had the kind of good fortune that I’ve had, to have a press corps so clearly willing to get on their knees and do a little ball-bobbin’ on ol’ Number 4. I can’t tell you how much I appreciated all you did to hide my flaws and work my shaft as vigorously as possible.

(dabs tears)

I’m sorry. I said I wouldn’t get emotional. But it’s just so hard when I know how well Chris Berman has jostled my testicles in his big, meaty hands all these years.

I’ve watched hundreds of players retire over the years, and I’ve always wondered what it would be like. I thought maybe King would show up completely stripped down, slathered in baby oil and riding some kind of Sybian machine. And he is! I thought I was prepared for that, but it’s just gonna be so dang hard to give up!

(cries)

Is this the right level of grief? I really want to come off as emotional as possible here so y'all'll immortalize this moment like I'm Lou fucking Gehrig. This is my last good chance to soak in the moment and let y'all drink deep the sweat off my taint. I can't believe this is the last time!

(cries more)

But this is the right time to go. I said I wanted to go out on top. And I am. I am going out on top. Of Brian Baldinger. With my cock plunged pubes-deep into his meatpie.

(sobs heavily)

God, I will miss this!

Florio Didn't Write It, So It Must Be True!

BREAKING JEWS NEWS!!!

Fox's Jay Glazer is reporting Brett Favre set to retire.

I'll believe it when the police find Peter King's bloated corpse hanging from the rafters.


UPDATE: Favre's bro tells Mississippi newspaper it's true.

I Was Thinking About Having A Ham Sandwich For Lunch. But I Haven’t Quite Committed To It Yet

(phone rings)

Brett Favre: Hello?

Tony Dungy: Hey, Brett. It's Tony again.

Brett: Hi, Tony. What’s up?

Tony: Well, I did what you said.

Brett: You leaked rumors of your retirement, only to announce that you were coming back, so that everyone would love you more?

Tony: Yes! Yes, I did exactly that.

Brett: Did you say it was a difficult decision?

Tony: Oh, yeah. They ate that right up.

Brett: Did you say you had to mull it over with your family?

Tony: Yes! Yes, I did. And they bought it! They’re so stupid like that. Who holds a goddamn offsite with their family to talk about a job?

Brett: They love the family angle. Now, tell me, Tony: did you make sure only to commit for one more year?

Tony: Yes, one year only.

Brett: Excellent. Excellent job. That way, everyone remains in your thrall for a whole other year while you “think about it”. It’s like having a farewell tour every year. AND it gives the media a story they can recycle over and over again, without having to think of new angles. “Is this Tony’s last game coaching the Colts? If so, what a class act he was!” They love that shit.

(drinks a fifth of Scotch)

Tony: My thoughts exactly. You really know your way around this stuff.

Brett: Oh, thanks.

Tony: So, what else is going on with you?

Brett: Well, I was thinking about having a ham sandwich for lunch. But I haven’t quite committed to it yet. Have to talk with Deanna and the kids about it. You know? It’s a long morning. And I can’t tell you how I’ll feel about a ham sandwich from one hour to the next. I really enjoyed the last ham sandwich. But do I have it in me to go another round? Not sure. I can't have a ham sandwich if my heart's not in it. Tell you the truth, I hadn’t put much thought into it. None at all.

Tony: Damn, you’re good.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

IT'S NOT FAIR! BRELIEGH PRAYED!

"C'mon Greg. Quit Doddlin'. Time to Run the Next Play."

Greg Jennings: Gat dammit Brett, put me down! I'm not hurt, I can walk fine, you woollyheaded man-child.

Brett Favre: I won't hear it! We're going downfield and I'm not leaving you behind.

There comes a time in every quarterback's career where he has to take his team on his back, Greg. Now's that time for me. The wind's to my back again. Me and Father Time done reached an understanding that I'm on borrowed time. I have the renewed purpose of a man who knows to value his days. To make it count, what little life I have left.

Greg Jennings: Man, you're not dying. You'll just have to retire someday.

Brett Favre: See, that's thing: the day I retire will be my last on this mortal coil. Madden and I already have the murder-suicide planned out. I couldn't do that, that life of the former QB, becoming some yammering old coot. My boyish heart of a champion couldn't live in a dried-up old vessel.

And I couldn't deal with Deanna. Damn, that bitch is annoying.

Please God, Send These Children To Darfur

As a father, I'm normally against the idea of slaughtering children. But I dare you to watch 20 seconds of this clip without resisting the urge to grab a machete and start playing "got your nose" for real. I bet these kids never even learn to read a fucking traffic light.

Not pictured: Peter King behind a music stand waving a conductor's stick.

The Unbearable Whiteness of Being

NFC 2nd Seed -- Green Bay Packers (13-3)

Mike McCarthy: I know we shouldn't be peering into the future at a time like this but, unlikely though it may be, if we are to advance far enough, this could be the final year with Brett as our quarterback.

[waves arms down to quell obvious excitement]

Now, now. It's not going to be an easy transition. The improved quarterback play by young Aaron will, at least for me, alter the entire playbook in painful, soul-wrenching ways. But for the sake of revenue and keeping the fanbase in its pallid lunacy, some people are going to have to take on a few of Brett's extracurriculars next season.

Atari: You have a hilarious name that resonates with people who don't get out of their houses. That'll help some.

Atari Bigby: Actually, it's the Japanese word for "attack."

McCarthy: Well, it's an American word for playing Missile Command whilst double fisting Fiddle Faddle in your basement. They teach that in the high schools 'round me.

But that won't do much to assuage the media fluffers. Who will they turn to in their moment of ejaculation?

Aaron Kampman: Madden already seems to like me okay. And I'm white. Easy peazy.

McCarthy: Good, good.

What about crazy wives? We got anymore of those? Preferably with a sympathetic disorder of some sort.

A.J. Hawk: Uhhh, check.

McCarthy: Okay. Okay. Nice. Now all we need is to capture the stubble quotient. Preferably covering a face at once alluring and non-threatening to homely white women.

James Van Der Beek: I'm your man, coach!

[A door quietly creeks open]

Brett Favre: What's going on here, guys? Some kinda team bonding exercise? We gonna start wrasslin' soon? Get into some monkeyshines? Rent some scary movies? Talk of days gone by?

Hmmm. Somethin's a lil' amiss.

Waitaminnit.

I think I know what you're doing.

You-you're planning for my retirement, aren't you? AREN'T YOU?

Mike McCarthy: No.

Nononononono.

Aaron Rodgers: [standing by depth chart that has him as starting quarterback] Not at all.

Greg Jennings: [wearing a toupe while icing a Brett Favre retirement cake] That's crazytalk, man.

Al Harris: It's just, you've been going through this whole song and dance for a few years now and -

Favre: You shut up, Al! I was just coming to tell you guys I was gonna stay. We were gonna be Packers forever. Remember when I said you were the most talented team I ever played with? I meant that. It came from here, here in my boyish, gunslinging indefatigable heart.

[door flies open]

Peter King: WHAT HAPPENED? WHAT HAPPENED? My Favre Monitor showed your heartbeat was quickening! Are you in fine fettle, my frisky Favre?

Favre: They're conspiring toward a future in which I play no part. A farewell to gunslinging!

Peter King: [furiously jabbing finger in McCarthy's chest] You-You-YOU UNCONSCIONABLE MONSTER! I voted you Coach of the Year! You made my Bretty Boy a factor again. Now I see it was just a big power grab, wasn't it? WASN'T IT?

LOOK AT ME!!!

[Fighting tears]

Come away, Brett. I feared this day would come and now it has. We'll find a home somewhere where dreams never die and the sweet song of Number Four will play as a paean to puckishness everlasting. The rigors of old age will never cut us down. We'll be dewy fresh for now and always. This was not a world made for lovers, its searing sneering cynicism was made to siphen the ardor of the warmest heart. You know this, as do I. Only together can we find this place, can we discover it within ourselves.

Favre: I might like that, Peter.

Gunslinger vs. Young Grinner. WHO YA GOT?

Tonight is the NFC's low-rent answer to the Patriots and Colts. How low-rent? Half the fucking country, including this writer, can't watch it because it's on the NFL Network. So, thanks again, Comcast for giving me an Ice Bowl-worthy Icy Mike and raising my rates. At the very least, I'll miss three hours of announcer fluffing for Brett Farve and Tony Romo. One foolproof way to keep up with the score for tonight's contest is to crack a window and listen for Peter King orgasmic cries. A clue: the ones for Favre are in a slightly lower register. Anyway, Who Ya Got?

Contestants

Brett Favre_________________Tony Romo

Current Story Arc

Better than EVAH?______________Smiles, though his heart his aching

Sesame Street character

Prarie Dawn_______________Guy Smiley

New BFF

Media that has clearly always disdained him_____Terrell Owens, Sophia Bush

Spends free time

Voting for Mr. Splashy Pants________perfecting Romo Mind Tricks

Finishing move

Only PK and Mr. Hat know for sure________________Chasing the dragon

46 States Ratify Favre Amendment

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- 46 states, more than the necessary two-thirds three-fourths, today ratified the 28th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, known as the Favre Amendment, the first such change to the nation's founding document in 15 years.

The amendment requires all working quarterbacks in the United States to be more rugged and rascally, with a twinkle in each eye and a song in their hearts. It also establishes throwing a shovel pass across the field off your back foot to an opposing linebacker as the national "football move." Furthermore, it designates Kiln, Miss. as a National Historic Landmark for Quarterbacking, rather than for general squalor.

With the amendment's passing, Tom Brady, Carson Palmer, the Manning brothers, David Carr, Kurt Warner, Drew Brees, Philip Rivers, Derek Anderson, Jason Campbell, Damon Huard, David Garrard, Kelly Holcomb, Brian Griese, Jeff Garcia, Marc Bulger, Matt Hasselbeck, Brady Quinn, Byron Leftwich, Alex Smith, Jay Cutler, Joey Harrington, Trent Green, Chad Pennington and Trent Edwards- all deemed insufficiently rascally- will be forceably relocated to the Canadian Football League.

Tony Romo, Donovan McNabb, Vince Young, Rex Grossman, Jon Kitna, Steve McNair, Ben Roethlisberger and Daunte Culpepper will be allowed to remain in the country, provided they grow some more stubble on their faces.

"I'd really like it if we could refer to the Favre Amendment as the Fourth Amendment," President Bush said during a press conference, the duration of which he held aloft four fingers. "I already disregard the Fourth Amendment that's in place, so it just makes more sense that way."

Reached at a Packers training facility in Green Bay, Favre was effusive.

"Aw, gosh. It feels great. The Constitution has always been a hero of mine. To be mentioned in the same breath as unapportioned federal taxes on income and other guys really makes it special. I tell ya, I just try to get up and, day in and day out, do what it is that I can to help my team. And now everyone else has to, on minimum penalty of three to five years in a federal prison."

DIE

Thinking about which play to call, coach? Thinking about a shotgun lateral dumpoff pass on 3rd and 1? I bet you are. Let me just give you a little piece of advice. You see the big strong kid wearing #28 over there on the bench? You know, the one who averaged 11 yards a carry on the afternoon? The guy who only got 2 carries in the second half? The only good player on your offense? The one you apparently assume is made of peanut brittle? The only thing about this season that's keeping me from drinking a gallon of rubber cement? THE ONE YOU HAD RETURNING KICKS LIKE HE WAS DAVID FUCKING PALMER? Here's a wild idea for you:

GIVE PURPLE JESUS THE FUCKING ROCK, YOU STUPID BALD FUCK!

Jesus Christ. I hope Ragnar drives over your goddamn head.