SCEN-ARIO! SCEN-ARIO ! SCEN-ARIO!

There may be three whole weeks left in the regular season, but the playoff picture is becoming less grainy '70s grindhouse porn production and more crystal clear HD classy wank DVD. With the exception of the NFC East, every division leader has a minimum two-game lead. Not much drama there. However, there's still much to be worked out in the race for a wild card berth. Herewith, KSK details what some teams need to ascend to be top-seed fodder in the playoffs.

I was planning on including every team that was still mathematically alive (the better to drone on about my Steelers, from which all fandom and cheap jokes flow) but flubby chimed in with this comment: "The Steelers? How big is this hypothetical bubble? Are the Winnipeg Blue Bombers also on this bubble? How about the the Under Armor team?" Fuck you, you bourbon-battered bastard. I keed. There's nothing but camaraderie at KSK, at least as long as Falco stays dead.

Anyway, on with the post. Here is what the playoff picture looks like for teams on the bubble.

AFC

The Bengals clinch a playoff berth if:

They kill a bunch of witnesses.

OR

The DA finds his daughter missing.




The Jaguars clinch a playoff berth if:

What, like a guy wearing a $10,000 suit isn't making the playoffs? Come on!

OR

They move to an actual city.


The Nigh Jets clinch a playoff berth if:

Their fans are dreaming.

OR

Mangini ignores Caveman's complaints about public breastfeeding and wet nurses his limparmed QB until he builds the strength to hit the Cotchery hard.



The Broncos clinch the playoffs if:

Shanahan employs his trademark offensive wizardry to compensate for Jay Cutler's inexperience.

OR

Bhahahahaha...waitwaitwait...bahahaha. Alright, I'm okay.




The Chiefs clinch a playoff berth if:

It's Lamar Hunt's death wish.

OR

I wish for them to go so I won't go to hell for that last comment.

NFC

The Giants clinch a playoff berth if:

Jeremy Shockey solves the Monty Hall problem. Or, you know, Dallas completely collapses. Both are equally unlikely.

Tom Coughlin finds a suitable squash partner for Eli Manning.




The Eagles clinch a playoff berth if:

There's a cure for torn ACL in pill form.

OR

There isn't a sale at Merv's for the next three Sundays.





The Falcons clinch a playoff berth if:

Opposing teams use the same toilet as Michael Vick.

OR

There is no other option.





The Panthers clinch a playoff berth if:

Chris Weinke throws at least 60 passes in every game, especially this Sunday.

OR

Steve Smith pulls a Baseball Bugs and does everything himself.


The Vikings clinch a playoff berth if:

They get another five Artose Pinners.

OR

Someone finally explains to me what an Artose Pinner is. I checked Urban Dictionary and everything.



If you don't live in D.C., there's a fair chance you don't get the headline. S'ok, it's a reference to a famous go-go track. We're into that kind of thing here. I'll go back to being white now. Grilled cheese with a side of no rhythm, please.