Man and Beast Are Mortal, But Measts Are Forever

Can't stop, won't stop.

The past few days have been unlike anything I've ever experienced. Over the years I have endured the loss of three grandparents as they struggled against the diseases of old age. In high school a favorite teacher of mine was tragically taken from us far too soon. All of the experience were uniquely painful and this is no different, but of course I never knew Sean Taylor.

Sean was my favorite player, mostly not reasons that are difficult to articulate. His insistences to jump routes, go for the knockout instead wrapping up, and lateral any ball that he was unable to advance used to frustrate the shit out of me. Over time I came to not only accept, but embrace these tendencies as I began to realize that they are symptoms of what I loved so much about the player. He would do absolutely anything to make the biggest impact possible. Sean played the game one way, with balls firmly affixed to the proverbial wall.

Yet most people still don't seem to understand the outpouring of emotion for a young man who managed to remain somewhat of an unknown. On his local radio show former Redskin great John Riggins expressed the sadness he felt for Sean as well as his friends and family, but he was genuinely surprised by the visceral reactions amongst his fans. On the surface his reasoning made sense.

Sean was obviously loved by the fans for his abilities on the field, but off of it he was hardly a larger than life personality. It was always hard to get a firm read on Sean, especially because he rarely spoke to the media. Yet that rare quality actually helped to endear the star player to local fans. Washington will never be confused with the happiest places in the country. It is the city of the disenfranchised and the seemingly disenchanted athlete evoked respect amongst its people. That's why his number 21 is the most popular Redskins jersey, surpassing even the league's pre-eminent entertainer in Clinton Portis. Sean Taylor was loved in Washington because he spoke softly and carried a big stick.

For those planning to attend tomorrow's game/memorial service I strongly urge you to wear either Sean's jersey or something black. This is not the time for face paint or even the most somber of pig snouts. Tomorrow is a day to pay our respects to our hero. Although I'd have no objection if the DTC wanted to pour a bottle of Crown Royal onto the asphalt.

After another shitty stadium experience at the beginning of the season I said I was done with FedEx Field...of course this is has to be an exception. I've been hard on Mr. Snyder and Coach Gibbs for most of the season but they have both handled the situation as well or better than could be expected from anyone in their positions. anything that can humble Snyder to the point of genuine humanity and expressive emotion is surely strong enough to bring me back to Raljon. So I'll be there along with 92,000 mourners (although a handful of them are bound to be drunken off-season racists).

Sean is gone but he will most assuredly not be forgotten by a generation of fans. The number 21 will live forever in Redskins lore. It can take the form of jerseys, shirts, stickers, and perhaps the occasional car magnet, but we can do so much more. We must take our memory of Taylor to the streets, give him the Borf treatment if you will. With that in mind, I propose that we convert all of the District's stop signs from boring octagons into beautiful tributes...

...by any means necessary.

The Kevin Everett Meast Is Now the Sean Taylor Meast -- Forever

We really enjoyed having the Meast named after a different person every year. Being the Steve Irwin Memorial Meast of the Week was a different honor entirely than being the Kevin Everett Meast of the Week, y'know?

That all ends today, though. This week's Meast is Sean Taylor, and with it he deservedly reclaims the name that was his all along. We salute you, original man-beast. Or moist yeast, or whatever the word's origins are.

So, to recap: from here on out it's the Sean Taylor Memorial Meast Award, though we'll leave the door open for secondary sponsorship: the Sean Taylor Memorial Meast punched to you by Chuck Norris; the Sean Taylor Memorial Meast survived by Bear Grylls; the Sean Taylor Memorial Meast built by the Home Depot. You get the idea.

Stuff To Distract From The Report That Sean Taylor Is In A Coma

Reports have surfaced that Sean Taylor is now in a coma following surgery from a potentially fatal gunshot wound. This is a decidedly unfunny situation, and we are now faced with a rather morbid watch over Taylor’s health.

But I’ve learned throughout life that humor often serves as a useful distraction in moments such as these. That and sling bikinis. So here now is some random funny shit to help keep us all occupied:

-Hippo rape.

-I was taking a shit one time and had to go wipe my ass. Only, when I wiped, some of the toilet paper remained firmly lodged in my butt. I did not realize this at the time, so I went to go flush. When I flushed, the water gently tugged the paper out of my ass. And I have to tell you, it was kind of thrilling.

-One time I was sitting in a beach chair at a house party and threw up into my lap.

-KSK VP of Research flubby has unearthed this incredible collection of the 16 ugliest men in rock. I’m pretty sure Joey Ramone was born without a jaw.

-Sometimes, when I get an erection, I like to push it down, and then release it while yelling out, “BOING!!!!!!!!!” Sometimes, I imagine a small Chinese diver jumping off of it.

-When I was at boarding school there was a fat kid (one apart from me) who we called Big Fun, after the fat girl in “Heathers” who wears a t-shirt that says those exact words. We used to scream out “BIG FUN!” when he walked in the room. And whenever someone ordered pizza, they’d do it under the name “Big Fun”. So the delivery guy would walk in and say, “Is there a Big Fun here?” Try it with a fat friend of yours. It’s lots of fun.

-The singer for Quiet Riot died. Hilarious! Talk about “Condition Critical”!

-Need a quick shot of fun? Take out your scrotum and walk up to a lady and tell her, “Ew! Look! I sat in some gum! And there’s hair on it!”

-Raiders defensive coordinator Rob Ryan is the Joe Eszterhas of the NFL. He looks like a roadie for Bad Company. I swear, when the Raiders played the Vikings, he was wearing a windbreaker with no shirt underneath. If he isn’t banging 16-year-olds by bribing them with free acid, I’ll be upset.

-Poker Monkey!


-After Thanksgiving Day dinner, I embarked on a farting odyssey that caused my wife to re-evaluate everything about our relationship. It feels good to fart. It really does. It feels like I’m breathing a sigh of relief. I also enjoy making other people recoil with horror at my own stench. It’s a mark-your-territory kind of move. It makes me feel like I have the upper hand. I’m weird.

UPDATE: Taylor is unresponsive and doctors are currently worried about brain damage.

Sean Taylor Done Got Shot

Redskins safety Sean Taylor was shot in his Miami home late last night. PFT is reporting that Taylor "is fighting for his life," which means that Taylor is either fighting for his life or that the bullet harmlessly grazed him.

We remind our readers on this dark day that Taylor is the original Meast, and we here pray that his man-beasty constitution and Miami's finest doctors are enough to survive whatever damage is done. We don't want to have to name the weekly Meast award in memoriam after the actual Meast. That would be kind of depressing.

UPDATE: Taylor is listed in critical condition.

UPDATE #2: Taylor is reportedly in a coma following surgery. Yikes.