Believe half of what you see, and none of what you hear

In a world where reality is a constant state of upheaval and turmoil, we present KSK's latest attempt to separate fact from fiction….

Rumor: OJ Simpson was refused service at a Louisville restaurant on Derby Eve.

Fact: The owner had never actually heard of OJ Simpson, it was just a VERY authentic 1950's style Kentucky diner.

Speaking of the Derby, if my first-hand observations are to be trusted, the Big Ten fans continued their domination of the infield, with Michigan and Ohio State partisans exchanging first verbal jousts and later their own waste. The MAC and SEC also put in strong showings. This year's upstart: a surprisingly large group of pixie-like Wofford coeds who had made the trek up from Spartansburg, SC. Terriers, y'all!!!

Rumor: Osi Umenyiora will jump off the George Washington Bridge if he doesn't have one of the best seasons ever for a defensive end.

Fact: Unless he is being facetious, it sounds like Umenyiora is trying to win support by making an outlandish statement that no one really believes, kind of like when Paris Hilton says she's never, ever, ever going to do it again.



Rumor: Donovan McNabb (aka "Jasper Beardsley") was shocked when the Eagles spent their first round pick on a QB.

Fact: Really? Donovan is surprised that after blowing out his knee and Jeff Garcia flying the nest, that the Eagles would seek some insurance at the most crucial position in the sport? Donovan was reportedly also shocked last week when May unexpectedly followed April.

In McNabb's defense, surprising things have been afoot all over lately. For instance, did you know there is a basketball team called the Golden State"Warriors"? Apparently they play very entertaining basketball games while I am sleeping. (As you can see, I am in the midst of my annual tawdry eight-week fling with the NBA. Right now my favorite player is the Nets' Bostjan Nachbar. Because "Nachbar" looks a lot like "nacho bar". Mmmmmm, nacho bar.)

Rumor: Keyshawn Johnson to the Oakland Raiders?

Fact: Who knows? It would have been great to be in the Carolina war room when the Panther brass watched Keyshawn interview Dwayne Jarrett. Do you think they were merely exchanging knowing looks and smirks or were they justout-and-out holding their side braying with laughter while pounding on the table? I'm hoping the latter.


That's all the enlightenment I have time for right now. But before I go, I saw this over at Mondesi's House. Since KSK's Big Daddy Drew was the one who blew the lid off Brady Groingate, I thought it on only apropos we link it here. This one is for the Steelers fans, particularly Christmas Ape…

“The dirt of gossip blows into my face and the dust of rumors covers me.”

In the off-season, idle talk spreads like wildfire. What, Gentle Reader, are you to believe? Once again, KSK helps sort the fact from fiction. Sadly, we can’t help with those rumors about you floating around your office. It's not our fault you got shit-faced at the Christmas party and then made out with that pig from Accounting.

Rumor: Shaun Alexander didn’t get laid until he got married at age 24.

Fact: We hoped this wasn’t true, but Shaun admits it in his autobiography. Pro football is nasty, brutish business and there are only two reasons to get involved: crazy scrilla and wild, naked tit-tays. Sounds like Shaun was leaving half the mammon on the table.

Would KSK recycle a joke? You bet your sweet ass we would.

Rumor: Peyton Manning made a cool $200,000 for going to a Sweet Sixteen party.

Fact: The jury is still out on this one. Peyton insists despite numerous claims to the contrary that it wasn’t a Sweet Sixteen. Why would he lie about it? Is he afraid America will think he is dorky? Too late, sunshine, that ship has sailed. However, we have confirmed that Eli Manning is available for birthdays and bat mitzvahs in his persona of Sparkles the Clown for $8.50 an hour. He will also appear as Eli, the NY Giant quarterback for $7.50 an hour, but we hear there aren’t many takers.

Rumor: Zygi Wilf wants the Vikings to lose so he can move them out of Minnesota.

Fact: Our first thought is to reject this notion out of hand. You can’t blame anyone for wanting the hell out of that desolate, depressing hinterland, but Wylf seems like an earnest guy. Then he went and gave Butterfingers Bobby Wade $15 million to try to catch the passes Taveres Jackson will be throwing at his feet. There may be something to this one.

Rumor: Lance Briggs is a dick.

Fact: Yeah, big time.

Rumor: Richie Anderson pays for pussy.

Fact: We went straight to the source on this. Richie says it is purely a case of mistaken identity. “There is this dude who looks just like me. I’m always getting blamed for shit he does. When I get my hands on that fucker, it will be on like Donkey Kong.” We were kind of skeptical until we saw the picture. Now we think Richie may have been framed.

Who would you rather do, Richie or Gazoo? Both at once? Ladies...?

Rumor: Some wuss soccer blog beat out KSK for the 2007 Best Sports Bloggie.

Fact: Sadly this is true, but they don’t have the witty raconteurs and exquisitely beracked commenters that we do. So those guys can go choke on a bagful of monkey-cock.