This Week's KSK Commenter Draft: Songs You'd Want For Your Pregame Introduction

Baseball players get a personalized song every time they step up to bat. I would like that to happen to me in some way, shape, or form. That would be badass. Hence, this draft. This is the song you'll be using to announce yourself to a crowd of 50,000 plus.

The rules: This can be any song by any artist. Once you pick a song, you cannot pick any other song by that artist, though other drafters may if they have not already. Pick a song, then wait ten picks till the next song.

That's Josh Homme. He's a fucking badass. I'll be picking him up later on, but for now my first choice is the "Die! Die! Die!" bridge of "Creeping Death" by Metallica. I've already given my tribute to it.

Rock on, kids.

NOTE: If you do not own "Era Vulgaris" already, please do yourself the courtesy of going out and buying and/or stealing it. Don't make me thrash you.

Berating You Contest Entrants So That Ufford Doesn’t Have To

I love you folks, the fine readers of this here site. I really do. But sometimes you people make me so mad I want to have Robert Blake shoot you and then cover it up.

The keeper league contest entires have come in. Some have been lovely (Thanks, Sarah!), but most have been putrid. It’s almost lamer than the fucking Hot Blogger contest. I was going to do your family a favor and install the Disney Channel for free. Well, forget it. Some quick correctives.

-DO NOT send us your fucking whole personal fantasy football history. We don’t fucking care.

-DO NOT send us blog entries you already wrote. Only WE get to recycle our old shit. I ain’t clicking thru to SHIT.

-DO NOT send us pictures of your truck. It’s a truck. I don’t fucking care about trucks. Send your truck photo to Bob fucking Seger.

-DO NOT send us entries over 250 words. The whole point of this blog is to avoid ACTUAL reading. Your endless manifestos are useless against us. I won’t even read the topic sentence. You did include a topic sentence, DIDN’T YOU?!

-DO NOT send us photos of yourself in drag if you can’t pull it off.

-DO NOT send us your shitty MS Paint jobs. It only reminds us of our own artistic shortcomings.

-DO NOT preliminarily declare yourself the winner when you submit your entry. You aren’t as awesome as you think, dickface.

Now, I’m always one for positive reinforcement. That’s why the lovely Lucy Pinder graces the top of this post. Some suggestions:

-DO send us embarrassing stories about NFL players, writers, and broadcasters. I don’t even care if they’re true. We haven’t had a decent tip since Rex Grossman got plastered before the Super Bowl. Or did he?

-DO send us anything that embarrasses Chris Berman or Bill Simmons.

-DO send us a photo of Grosssman in a Sex Cannon shirt. (Pull this off for real and you’re the instant winner)

-DO find creative ways to incorporate KSK thinking into the outside world, with photographic proof of such shenanigans. You can create so many different messages with a chain link fence over a highway and 1,000 tennis balls. If you didn’t even have to leave your office chair to create your entry, then you fucking failed.

-DO send t-shirt designs that improve on our god-awful work.

-DO make fun of Ufford.

-DO send great photoshops involving Vick, Tank, Pacman and the like.

-DO make yourself useful. Don’t make us thrash you.

You have until June 30th. kissingsuzykolber@gmail.com. Razzle dazzle us, people.

UPDATE: And DON'T send us porn. You almost got Ape fired. And no one likes an angry Ape.

This Week’s KSK Commenter Draft – Celebrities You Would Like To Fight

I’ve been wanting to do a fight draft for ages. And at last, here it is. The rules here are a bit complex, so let’s get right to them. This must be a famous person everyone knows, currently living and as they are right now. Picking them means you fight them, hand-to-hand. One on one. No weapons. No hired goons. No holds barred. And you aren’t guaranteed of beating them. This is real life fighting. If you maim or kill them, you will not be charged with a crime. If you get maimed or killed, your medical care is paid for. No picking Deadspin commenters or that one asshole in your class. No one cares. Pick only one celebrity. After that, you must wait 10 selections before you pick another.

One last rule: If you are a man, you cannot pick a female. We’d all like to pick Paris Hilton, hold her down, and beat the fucking tar out of her. But I’m against violence on the ladies, so you gotta pick a guy. My pick? The obvious:


Chief Poopy Pants himself.

Bin Laden has the reach on me, no doubt. But he’s old, and his kidneys are failing. I could take him. I’d pull that fucking beard for all it was worth. He’s also got a big nose. I bet he’s a bleeder. Bring it, Osama. I’ll hit you so hard I’ll kill your whole family. All 57 brothers and sisters of yours. Bitch.

NOTE: I did a post for the Name of the Year blog today on the great Destiny Frankenstein. Check it out.

It’s Your Turn To Draft And Be Sexy

We’ve done many a mock draft these past few weeks. But why should we, the KSK Gay Mafia, be the only ones who get to have all the fun? We’re gonna bypass the usual cheerleader post and present you with the first-ever KSK commenter mock draft. And you get the top mock draft of them all: Famous Women Or Men You Get For An Evening. The rules here are very simple. This is a celebrity you get for a night to do with as you please. Picks are first come first served. But only pick one person, and once you pick, you must wait 10 picks before making another selection. Once 10 other commenters have picked, you can then pick another person. And please, try and provide some linkage for the masses. Add a NSFW warning if appropriate.

Oh, and no picking Keeley Hazell. I took her first. Enjoy the draft everyone. And the NFL draft as well.

NOTE: One other rule: No time traveling. You pick someone in their current metaphysical state. No "Liz Taylor whe she was thin" bullshit.