NO, PLEASE FOOTBALL! NO! YOU CAN'T GO! NNNNOOOO

I don't care that the writers' strike is ending. I don't care about college basketball, baseball, hockey or the NBA. I don't care that Mario Kart is coming out for the Wii packaged with an awesome wheel interface. I kinda care about the ScarJo-Penelope Cruz love scene, but not enough to compensate for the no-football induced softie.

I applaud the NFL for, unlike other sports, saving its meaningless superstar spectacle for the end of the season. Could you imagine the Pro Bowl happening after Week 8 and counting as every team's bye week? The scary thing is if some large foreign country promised to hold it at that time, the Rog would totally make it happen.

But the Pro Bowl is a largely unwatchable tease of what we'll all be missing between now and training camp. Free agent acquisitions and the draft are fine temporary divertisements, but it's like reading erotic fiction to supplant your love life. Imagining how some rookie or signing might shape my team is about as fulfilling Mr. Garrison's "Great American Romance Novel."

No, football, nnnnnooooooo! Just stay a little longer. Please? Cmon, what's the rush? You can have Emmitt say something incoherent. I don't care!

KSK Twilight Zone: This Is What Would Have Happened If The Pats Had Won

BAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! All you fackin’ Paytree-ut hatahs out they-ah now must face the facts. THE FACKIN’ PAYTREE-UTS ARE FACKIN’ 19-0!!! HAHAHAHAHA!! And for that, I have only one thing to say...

YANKEES SUCK! YANKEES SUCK! YANKEES SUCK! YANKEES SUCK! YANKEES SUCK! YANKEES SUCK! YANKEES SUCK! YANKEES SUCK! YANKEES SUCK!

You fuckin’ Yankee faggots always think you’re the best. Well, you know what? THE FACKIN’ PATS WENT UNDEFEATED! Did the Yankees ever do that? HA! I can’t wait to call my buddy Fred, a diehahd Yankee fan. I can’t wait to see the look on his face when he realizes the PATS are the fackin’ greatest TEAM evah! I can’t wait to get a fackin’ UNDEFEATED Sawx jersey. Can you imagine how confident the crowd at Fenway will be now? Take that, Yankees! THIS IS FOR FACKIN’ CLAIMIN’ CLEMENS AS YOUR OWN!

Now that the Patriots are 19-0, it’s clear that the Yankees are just a second tier franchise. Fackin’ Hank Steinbrenner, you really think you have the class of Bawb Kraft? FACK YOU! WHY DON’T YOU GO SPOON FEED STRAINED PEAS TO YOUR OLD MAN, SHITBAWX! Hey Hank, I hear your old man just wanders around his house with his bathrobe open and his cawk out, and that he tawks to his hairbrush. WHAT A FACKIN’ LOSAH!!!!

Face it, Yankee fans: The Paytree-uts are now the fackin’ greatest team in history, and they always will be! And you know what that means, you fackin’ Bawston hatahs? That means that your team will nevah, EVAH, be as good as the Pats. Even if your team wins the Super Bowl next year (which I highly doubt because both Tawmmy Brady and the fackin’ smahtest man in the universe Billy Belichick, who my fackin’ fifth cousin once sat near at a Legal Seafoods back in 2003), your team’s championship won’t mean FACKIN’ JACK SHIT!

Suck on that! That’s right. No mattah what you fackin’ do, your team’s success will nevah be as meaningful or as important as ours. You’re just fillin’ out the fackin’ almanac, 2036 Titans! We all know the fackin’ 2007 Pats would fackin’ slap you and your robot players around like I slap around the dirty Sikh who runs the packy store down the blawk. $5.99 far a fackin’ pack of Pahluhmunts? Fack you, ya fackin’ sitar-playin’ fack! DRIVE MY FACKIN’ FAMILY TO LOGAN!

Do you know what makes this Pats victory so fackin’ special? The fact that WE, the fackin’ Red Sawx Nation, took the fackin’ team on our shouldahs. WE FACKIN’ ALL SHARE IN THIS TRIUMPH TOGETHAH! That’s why I’m goin’ all fackin’ out to make sure everyone knows that I, Tommy fackin’ O’Leary, will always be paht of the fackin’ Pats’ JUGGUHNUT!

I’m gonna get a 19-0 shirt. I’m gonna shave 19-0 into my dog’s ass. I’m gettin’ a 19-0 decal on my fackin’ F150. And I’m gonna tattoo UNDEFEATED right on my cawk! I’m gonna use my trust fund money to make my folks redesign their house so it’s in the shape of 19-0. AND EVERY FACKIN’ YEAR UNTIL I DIE, I‘M GONNA DRINK A GALLON OF BOONE’S WHEN THE LAST UNBEATEN TEAM LOSES! AND I’M GONNA TEACH MY ILLEGITIMATE GRANDKIDS TO DO THE SAME!

Fack you, Dolphins! That tradition is ours now! You think you can have traditions? ONLY FACKIN’ BAWSTON CAN HAVE TRADITIONS! We’re the birthplace of tradition, you facks. Stop cawpyin’ us!

And to all you elitist facks who said the Pats cheated, I have only this to say: THAT FACKIN' FAGOOT A-ROD TRIED SLAPPIN' THE BAWL OUTTA MILLAHHHHH'S GLOVE IN THE ALCS! The fackin' Yanks and their slapdick media buddies try to cheat and disrespect Beantown all the fackin' time! So consider this payback, A-Rod, you fackin' son of a housekeepah!

The Pats, like any great team, did what it took to dawminate. Even if that meant tracking the Giants' every move with a discarded Russian spy satellite, or poisoning their team breakfast with ground-up Chinese tinker toys, or sending pizza and hookers to their hotel suites at 4AM last night. That just means they are true champions! They still won won feeehhhh and squeeeehhhh!

So soak it all in, Yankee fans. The Pats are the greatest team to ever play the game. Try and face down Jawsh fackin’ Beckett while you think about that! FACK YOU JETAH YOU FACKIN' AWKTAROON!!!!

YANKEES SUCK! YANKEES SUCK! YANKEES SUCK!

I Did It, Brett! I Made You Sportsman Of The Year!

Brett! Brett, my darling! Wonderful news! I got them to name you SI’s Sportsman of the Year! What a thrill! And you know why you won, Brett? Not just because you’re a great player, but also a great man. A great big man, with strong hands, and ruggedly handsome features. And such a broad chest. God, how I could just spend all day running my porky fingers through it. And kiss it. I lick banana schnapps off it.

Do you like your award? Do you? I got it just for you, Brett. Because I’m your #1 fan. No one loves you more than I do, Brett. And no one will EVER love you as I do. That’s why I got you this award. Now, maybe you can retire for good, and we can retire together to the lake. Would you like that? Would you?

What do you mean, you have to think about it? Think about what? I did it! We’re free now! We don’t have to hide! Or could it be that you actually want to spend more time with that floozy that you call a wife! Does she get you major awards, Brett? Does she give you pleasure the way I do? Does she give you a blowjob after sucking on five Altoids, like I do every morning? Only I do that for you, baby. You know she won’t do it for you. I let you play by your own rules, Bretty Bear. Just like on the field. Freelance all over me, baby. Freelance on my face.

What do you mean, you have to go? Is this the thanks I get? For helping you? For waiting for you all this time? HOW DARE YOU?! DON’T YOU WALK OUT THAT DOOR!

I don’t need you, you know! I got Tony down in Dallas, and he treats me like a lady! And he smiles! When the fuck have you ever done anything nice for me? I give and I give and I give and I let you stick a Dirt Devil up my rectum. And what do I get in return?

FINE, GO! I HATE YOU! YOUR WIFE IS A WHORE, BRETT! THAT’S WHY I GAVE THE AWARD TO BRADY BEFORE I GAVE IT TO YOU! I LET HIM FUCK ME IN FRONT OF A MIRROR JUST YESTERDAY! AND UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE, HE LASTED LONGER THAN THREE MINUTES! THEN I LET HIM HOOK UP A MILKING MACHINE TO ME!

(pulls down pants)

Take a good look at this ass, my lovely Brett. Would any other report wear a lacey t-back for you? Think about that tonight, you heartless prick.

GO!

LEAVE NOW!

Oh, God.

Oh, Brett. I just can’t say no to you. You know I’ll always love you, baby. Never leave me, baby. I adore you.

Sit back and relax baby. I’m going to give you a special treat.

KSK Gamebook: Week 8 Games

-Of all the days during the week my kid refuses to take her regularly scheduled 1PM nap, it had to be Sunday. Damn you, child. If you weren’t so cute and helpless, I’d leave you in the recycling bin.

-Okay, Cadillac. I have an answer to your question. If the car in question is a fucking Cadillac, then no.

-Seriously, those ads are starting to get on my fucking nerves. It’s hard to fuck up an ad when you put Kate Walsh (above) in it. But I should never underestimate the gross incompetence of American automakers. And if I don’t get the Kate Walsh ad, then I get the ad with the other, random guy, asking the SAME FUCKING QUESTION. “The question is: when you turn on your car, does it return the favor?” Not that big red fucking boat you’re showing me right now, my man.

-Emily Deschanel plus Wonder Woman costume = boner

-KSK readers have feuded for a while over which Deschanel is superior: Emily or Zooey. I’m firmly ensconced in the Emily camp, but let’s go to the red carpet!


This is an easy call for me, but perhaps not for you. Emily’s got height on her sis. And she has more, uh, you know, ampleness. Whereas Zooey (on the right) has the ankle tattoo, so you know she’s up for giving you a wild ride. Plus, she does a lovely “Baby, It’s Cold Outside”. Still, I remain firmly in Emily’s corner on this one. Perhaps a duel of the boners is called for. My penile epee will outpoint you any day of the week.

-When the Patriots play another team, the other team may as well not fucking exist. I’m not blaming the announcers here. It’s hard to talk about the other team when they aren’t doing anything. I think the Patriots might break a bigger sweat in practice. In fact, I’m convinced of it. And yes, the Brady bounty will be increased later this week. Fucking Brady and his functional body.

-If you saw any of Romeo Crennel’s locker room speech after the Cleveland win, you wouldn’t have been very inspired. I didn’t know you could say “all right” that many times in one minute. Romeo’s clearly a big Johnny Two Times fan. “All right, men. All right. Good win, but we’re not done. All right? We’re not done. We’re at 4-3, 4-3, and our head’s above water now. All right? OUR HEAD IS ABOVE WATER! All right, but we’re not done. Our head is above water, but we’re not done. All right?” All right, coach.

-Also heard Braylon Edwards in the postgame say the Browns needed to “forget about tomorrow” and concentrate on the Steelers. Hard to do the latter when you do the former, Braylon.

-Eek! The FOX football robot has a jack-o-lantern head! And he’s demanding robot candy! (Robot candy, if you were unaware, is made from human plasma.)

-If Budweiser is the Great American Lager, then Newt Gingrich’s “1945” is the Great American Novel. In Gingrich’s book, the Germans win. Terrifying!

-Next week’s Colts-Pats game is a regional game. If you live in Houston or Oakland you don’t have a satellite dish, you’re probably not going to be very happy come Sunday at 4:15PM. Unless you enjoy watching Daunte Culpepper try and grasp a football with his tiny little midget hands.

-I listened to some of yesterday’s Redskins game on the radio. The Redskin radio analysts, in case you did not know, are Sam Huff and Sonny Jurgenson, who between them probably own 15% of a functioning human brain. I have to say, it's almost BETTER when the two analysts are senile old guys. At least they have an excuse. And at least their early onset Alzheimer’s makes for fun exchanges. Like this one, which happened on the Redskins’ opening drive:

Sam: This is good. The defense is getting a rest.

Sonny: The defense hasn't taken the field yet!

Sam: I know! They're getting rest!

I bet that booth has a chamber pot in it.

-I watched the Eagles-Vikings game yesterday, and I really have nothing to say about it. Except that Brad Childress needs to be shot dead and left in a ravine.