Too Many Mothaf--kas Spoofing My S--t

Jermaine Wiggins: Hey Brit.

Brett Favre: Hey Jermaine.

Jermaine: Heard you had a gig this weekend.

Brett: Yeh ... yeh.

Jermaine: How'd that come about?

Brett: Oh. You know.

Had this project I've been working on for a while.

Jermaine: Do you need a tight end?

Brett: No ... no. Don't need a tight end.

Jermaine: Well, how's that work then? I thought we were part of a band. A band of brothers. In the sibling, non-ethnic sense. Now I find myself with no projects of my own. I'm like a brother in the projects of no projects. I'm like a free... a free floating agent, but without an actual agent because I'm old and useless.

Brett: Well, I'm sorry Jermaine.


Mel Kiper, Jr.: Heeeeey guyyyyys.

Brett: Yeah. Hey Mel.

Mel: What's going on?

Jermaine: Brit says he's doing his own gig this weekend. Doesn't need the band.

Mel: Oooooooh.

Why are you doing that, Brett?

Brett: It's been going on a while. I'm surprised you haven't heard about it.

Jermaine: Maybe I've just been caring a bit too much about the band. The band we started.

Brett: Is this going to be an issue?

Jermaine: I think it just might, Brit.

Mel: Are you guys going to fight? Like, physically? Like going at each other like wild rams? Banging up against each other and rolling around in the dirt with RAW VISCERAL energy? Get your animal urges flowing? I think you should do that.

Peter King: Erection? Present.

Who Needs a Life When You Have Saturday Night Pre-Season Football?

TITANS!

VS.

REDSKINS!

Spero Dedes and Marshall Faulk are on the call and I'm moist in anticipation.

NFL Network is doing a great job of spotlighting all of the cute blonds in the pre-game crowd all of the.

It's cooled down to positively frigid 93 degree night in Tennessee.

Vince Young isn't playing because he was suspended for violating a team rule. The NFL Network's Adam Schefter has received no indication as to what Vince did to warrant such action.

Update: KSK has learned through a source* that he's been suspended for engaging in inappropriate sexual relations with an underage racehorse.
*It should be noted that our source is my talking bong and he only speaks German

Redskins win the toss, thus insuring a championship.

ARE and Santana Moss put me at half mast (don't tell anyone).

Corner blitz--->Jason Campbell get killed--->fumble...and we're in mid-season form!

The Maj has imbibed.

Dropped interception by London Fletcher...welcome to DC London, you're going to fit in nicely.

Marshall Faulk blames the dropped interception on Washington's inability to capitalize on opportunities instead of blaming the flight path of the deflected ball. Then he blames Kerry Collins' drive-killing fumbled snap on the humidity instead of Collins' delirium tremens. Marshall Faulk doesn't like black people.

Right tackle falls down--->Jason Campbell gets killed--->fumble... The Maj is burning religious relics.

LaRon "The Ron" Landry just finished off what Jim Beam started on Kerry's liver.

In a stunning display of accuracy kicker Sean Shawn Shaun "Swisher" Suisham just hit the upright from 47 yards away. It's 3-0 Titans if you're scoring at home--and if you are, your loneliness saddens me (4:50 mark).

The refs hat looks like it's covered with a fresh coat of Optic White from Liberty Paints. I find myself blinded by the light.

London Fletcher just made his 275th tackle of the first half.

NFL officials will be viewing challenges in high definition for the first time. This makes a lot more sense than the old policy of listening to the out-of-town radio broadcast on a loop.

If you try to break a return on a Redskins punter Derrick Frost he's liable to destroy you.

Ade Jimoh just made a tackle and Jason Campbell's night is just about over so I'm done with this crap. Who wants to go pick up some hookers with me and my boy Andray? We'll meet you at Thomas Circle in an hour.

Pink Dogwood : Augusta : : Witch's Tit : the NFL

The Masters is the most poetic four days on the sports calendar (yeah it's a sport, get over it). Every year the tournament offers up the sweet smells and dulcet tones of spring, and that's just Jim Nantz (he bathes in rosewater). The rich history oozes out of Augusta in the form of the names given to the different landmarks ranging from Rae's Creek to Simon Legree's Bench Eisenhower's Tree, even the individual holes are named for the flowers that grace the hallowed grounds. Those all-male clubs sure know how to exude masculinity!

The first Masters.

So why can't the NFL get in on the fun? As Uncle Shlomo has taught us, nicknames make everything better. Considering the modern trend of selling stadium naming rights to some piece of shit corporation nobody needs a good pseudonym like an NFL stadium. Here are a few ideas to get things started (note: some stadiums already have nicknames but they invariably suck).

Lambeau Field- "The Frozen Tundra" had a nice run thanks to the greatness of NFL Films but it's due for an update. I'm thinking Witch's Tit, it's cold as a bitch and Bill Simmons could suckle at it all day.

University of Phoenix Stadium- I know what you're thinking, it rolls off the tongue like a proposition from Matt Leinart. With the "Pink Taco" idea is already off the board we have to go to the next best option. So we've got a giant futuristic building that's been erected in the middle of the Arizona desert. I give you, Bio-Dome.

Hubert Humphrey Metrodome- The original Triple H still means a lot to the people of Minnesota and I just don't get it. If he was such an advocate of civil rights then what's with the roof design? I dub thee Fuhrer's Flower.

FedEx Field- The biggest stadium in the league belongs to one of the league's most diminutive owners. From here on out it should be known as Overcompensation.

McAfee Colesium- I love the idea of the dirtiest fans in America occupying in a building named for a virus blocker. So all you residents of the Black Hole have a new home, Quarantine. It's just what I'd like to do with all the country's Raider fans. You just know they're contagious.

Heinz Field- They call it the "Ketchup Bottle" because there's a big ketchup bottle on one of the scoreboards. Real creative you fuckin' yinzers! I prefer Mustard Gas, if you don't understand just grab a bright yellow seat behind a fat guy eating a Roethlisberger.

M&T Bank Stadium- I've always called it Grimace because it's big, purple, and totally gay. It's also named for the face I make whenever I'm within smelling distance of Baltimore.

Giants Stadium- This one's easy, the place is a fucking dump. I give you, Compost.

Feel free to add your own in the comments.