Just Taking It One Dog Year At a Time

You don't know what it's meant to have you in my life, girl. There were times there when I looked at this frayed coat of mine, these puncture wounds on my face and torso, and I didn't think anyone would be capable of loving me.

The things I saw there, at Bad Newz, that's some shit you can't unsee.

I've found peace here at Best Friends. A peace I never knew possible. My life up to this point was consumed with ugly destruction from fights and uglier creation from the rape stand. Here, the walkies are tremendous and when I hump your leg, it's mind-blowing, baby. It's love.

DON'T COME UP BEHIND ME!!!!

Whew. I'm sorry to do that...it's, it's just a real downer, man. I can't take it sometimes. It's, like, the only others I can relate to are the other 46 who survived that place. You can try to understand, but unless you were there, I just don't think it's possible. I can't quite put it into barks. That's just the bond I have with them. It's different with you, but it's no less special.

AAAAAAHHHH STOP RAISING YOUR VOICE!!!

Wwwhhhaa. Okay, whatever it is, just write it down and slip the note under my paw. It's okay. It's okay. We cool. We cool. Can you just hand me that milkbone? No, that one over there. Yeah, I know I don't have any teeth anymore. I just like to gum it a little.

Yeah. That's it. Oh yeah. It's gonna be aaaaaaalllllllllllllright.

O Brother, There Art Thou

[Theme to Naruto ringtone]

Eli: Hello?

Peyton: 'Sup Dong Wong DeMarco.

Eli: What do you want, suckbutt? I'm trying to watch old episodes of Goof Troop.

Peyton: Heard the news? I'm coming to watch my lil' brudda play in the big game. Need a quick pep talk? A cell phone plan? A credit card? Flood insurance? Tasteful decor for your living room?

Eli: What? I told you to stay away, Pey-Pey. You know how I play when you're around.

Peyton: Can't just let you tie the Manning Family Record for Super Bowl titles that easy. Gotta pay your dues. I had to wait a bit longer for mine.

Eli: You're just gonna let Brady win? Is that it?

Peyton: That asshole already has more rings than I'll ever get. What's one more?

Eli: I'm gonna tell dad! He'll set you straight, like that year he made you sleep under the sink when you put the milk back in the fridge with only half a sip left.

Peyton: Tell him all you want. He'll be right next to me in a big Oreo costume. We'll be walking up and down the aisles selling programs and beer. We move product, youngin'. That's grown man business.

Then we're gonna pass out masks of my face to Patriots fans at six bucks a pop. Ruin Romo had a good ring to it, so this'll be Make Eli Cry. A whole stadium of Peyton faces staring you down. It'll be like that scene in Being John Malkovich where everybody is Malkovich.

Eli: You know I don't watch grown-up movies!

This isn't fair! I want my ring like Peyton has! He won't share his!MMMMOOOOOOMM!!!!

It's Like We're Not Supposed to Be Driving Drunk or Something

Hey, great use of our tax dollars, assholes at the Department of Transportation. For all the millions you spend producing these pointless ads telling us that police arrest people for drunk driving then spending outsize dollars to air 600 of them an hour, we could possibly hire more officers to catch people. I don't know.

Why don't you just enter into an agreement wherein the game announcers mention each player who's been arrested for a DUI or DWI? "There's Cato June with the good open field tackle. By the way, he got popped for a DUI a few months ago. What a dipshit." If authorities are willing to prosecute celebrities for something, we citizens know it's a serious crime. Anything to not have to see these goddamn ads every break.

Late Games, Tame Dames

I had remembered the 4 o'clock games being better than the Ravens/Chargers and a few duels of the damned. I'll provide a little commentary until I arbitrarily decide to leave work and go home, which might be any minute now.

Hey, hey, the 49ers offense has found the endzone. Might as well set up camp while you're there.

Antonio Cromartie makes a nice interception of Kyle Boller that gets nullified on penalty. Phil Simms jokingly suggests Cromartie should be converted to offense and Philip Rivers snaps, "No, I got the picks thing covered, thanks."

The Niners take over at the Arizona 19 following a Kurt Warner pick and settle for a field goal. That endzone thing is played out, anyway.

Looks like Sideshow Bob will be making an appearance on this evening's Simpsons. He and Norv Turner must share an agent.

Ack, the San Francisco offensive bukkake continues! 17 points? In the first half? Who the fuck exhumed Bill Walsh?

Quite a paucity of throwgasms in Soldier Field, as the Sex Cannon is 3 of 7 with an interception and no conceptions. Denver leads 10-3.

Back to Family-Free Football Game Post

Leftovers are even less exciting at work.

Welp, hangover be damned, I'm back to work on Sunday, the first of a six-day workweek coming out of the holiday.

"What, sure, I can take the Sunday shift. The Steelers don't play until Monday night. I'll be rested up from three days of solid drinking and gluttony. If anything, I can use the extra headache."

Goddamn, I'm stupid.

Sure, familytime is a pain but mine is resigned to the fact that we don't really enjoy each others' company, and depart not long after dinner and dessert are topped off. Therefore, the rest of the weekend is spent catching drinks with old friends who now live out of town that you see twice a year. Those two times are usually Thanksgiving and Christmas, so the Thanksgiving meeting lacks any sense of urgency because you know you're likely seeing the asshole again in a month. That still doesn't save you from 15 of these bar conversations:

"Fuck, it's been awhile. What, seven months? Let's see: last time was...what, Easter?...so...yeah, seven. Yeah, I did hear Charlene is getting married. No, I haven't heard from Jason in a long time. I don't know what's up with him. Who? No, never met him. Oh yeah, that LSU-Arkansas game was fucking amazing. Family's good. Job's a job. What? Oh yeah, been meaning to see that. No, I wasn't at that party, remember? That was that weekend I got stuck helping Ralston move. Ooooh, shit, The Great Muppet Caper. Yeah, we must've got high and watched that like 15 times in three days. Gonzo's such a crackhead in that movie. Remember when he talks about sleeping in bus terminals and that he's doing a photographic essay on kneecaps? Hahahaha...eeeeeeehhhhhh. Anyway, good seeing you, man. I'm gonna go grab another drink."

The one o'clock slate blows, and the 35-year-old 13-inch Sorny above my desk will be unfortunately tuned to the Redskins-Buccaneers game. I eagerly aniticipate the 17-14 goodness and cursing myself for ever starting Santana Moss on my fantasy team. Last week was a tease, I know it.

Feel free to relate any other early game excitement you may observe. That Saints-Panthers game should allow you to evacuate your bowels sufficiently to prepare you for the coming week.

Four minutes into the game and Santana Moss has already managed to lose a fumble on his first catch. Oh, how I hate the Redskins.

Forgot to mention that, through sheer retardery, I also have Clinton Portis on said team. Yep, he's fumbled too. The two Redskins in my lineup have produced -4 points through the first quarter. Somebody needs to bomb Raljon.

The commenters mentioned Redskins defensive end Andre Carter just had a kid named Quincy. Hilarity does not ensue. So many jokes not seized upon.

Jeff Garcia is hampered with a pulled clitoris. Can Dr. James Andrews recommend a good OB-GYN?

Hey, Jason Campbell just fumbled. At least Redskins not on my fantasy team are getting in on the act.

Isaac Bruce, whom I started Moss in favor of, has just scored to put the Rams up 16-7 on the C-Hox. And, what's that? Portis just fumbled again? It's Black Sunday. All footballs must go!

Pittsburgh native Bruce Gradkowski has entered the game for the Bucs. Probably not destined to make the pantheon of great quarterbacks from western Pennsylvania, but he'd have made an interesting choice as another Bob Dylan in I'm Not There. Anything to keep Richard Gere out of that movie.

The Redskins have been perhaps the worst second half team in the league this season and they now go into intermission trailing 19-3 on the road. I'm guessing this one is pretty much over. But I'm a captive, time-wasting audience, so I must slog on.

If Jacksonville hangs on to beat Buffalo, the Patriots officially clinch the AFC East crown. If the Pats win tonight, I think they clinch the division for next year as well.

I know I've been doing a lot of bitching about my fantasy team, but in one of the two leagues I'm in, I started 7-2 and now I'm poised to lose my third straight. I'm the Detroit Lions of fantasy football.

A reader e-mailed us to say that, coming back from a commercial break, a CBS announcer Steve Beuerlein referred to Titans running back Lendale White as a "USC Thug." I'm pretty sure he meant MSG Thug. Lendale likes his egg rolls.

Just when the Redskins look like they might make a game of it, fantasy hero Clinton Portis gets stuffed on 4th and 1 inside the Tampa Bay 5. I need lots of rum.

Elisha Manning is presently 11-35 for 178 yards, no TDs and three picks, one for a TD, against the Vikings abysmal secondary. But Jeff Garcia is spotted warming up on the sidelines, so the gay quarterbacks might just ride again.

Scratch that, four picks for Elisha. HE'S GOING FOR THE MANNING FAMILY RECORD!

Seriously, two pick-six throws in 42 seconds of football? Eli's squash partner is never gonna let him hear the end of this.

At work, I'm trying to knock out a brief about a Green Bay meat company recalling 95,000 lbs. of E. coli-tainted ground beef. So, while I'm stuck miserable at work, at least I can count on all the assholes with the day off eating greasy E.coliburgers.

Just as the Redskins are driving to take the lead, Jason Campbell adds to the Redskins turnover tizzy with a terrible out pattern toss that's jumped by Ronde Barber in front of, guess who, Santana Moss. At least Unsilent is more depressed than I am.

And Tampa Bay responds with a three and out with three minutes left. Perhaps some third party would like to come in and win this game, as neither of these teams seem very interested in doing so.

Aaaaaannnnndddd Jason Campbell throws another pick in the endzone in front of Santana Moss. Satan toasts Hitler in Hell and pinches his ass.

Huzzah! Bonus coverage of the Rams-Seahawks game. I got to see Joe Gibbs execute poor clock management. Your move, Holmgren.

Oop. The C-Hox hang courtesy to some good old St. Louis red zone ineptitude. Shine on, Scott Linehan.

Darkness Hath Passed Away And The Season Approacheth

Tomorrow, thankfully, is the last in a seemingly interminable series of benighted spring and summer Sundays devoid of the NFL. All the trappings of summer - going to the beach, summer romance, catching junebugs, summer movies - are overrated and gladly behind us.

Each week, starting Thursday in Indianapolis and extending until the pointless week between the conference title games and the Super Bowl, we'll have at least some NFL action to sate our voracious bloodlust and to stave off any lingering desire to speak to our loved ones. Unless they have some useful gambling advice, which they seldom do.

KSK will be on location in our houses in Indy Thursday for a full day bukkake to mark the kick-off of KSK: Season II (Season I available on DVD everywhere construda is sold). We anticipate an orderly first game, which will eliminate the need for a violent bloodbath.