What The F--k, Dad?

Nice going, DAD! Way to shit the bed against the Jets, DAD! Great job fucking my fantasy team in the finals with 140 yards and zero touchdowns, DAD! Thanks for not covering the 90 points and pissing away my five grand, DAD! Thanks for letting the doctors snip off my fucking ropecock, DAD!

I hate you! I never want to see you again!

Well, alright, let's calm down here. I guess I can concede that I wasn't seeing you much to begin with, so I think we need to have a little man-to-infant chat here. We both know that you make Matt Leinart look like Jon Kitna when it comes to raisin' pups, ya dig? So what about we make a little dealio here: I'll keep this "shitty father" business to myself and you don't blow my trust fund on some diamond thong for my future stepmother. Okay? Pinky shake? Yeah, you're pinky's as big as my whole fucking hand, so why not?

Oh, by the way, when are you and Mom getting back together? She gets really excited when you're on TV. She has a ritual, she locks herself in her room to watch the game with one of the landscapers, yelling "Go deep, baby! Go deep!" I didn't even know there was a TV in that room. But I see tears of joy on her face every time you guys win!

It hasn't been that bad with you gone; Mom brings over these hot-ass fucking nannies to help change me. Sometimes I'll just shit myself as soon as the doorbell rings so these bitches get an extra shot at rubbing my ass crack. No more tears, indeed.

Oh, and one of my teeth came in last week, Dad! Look! This tooth is gonna--LOOK AT MY FUCKING TOOTH, DAD! Thank you! This tooth is 1/20th of my future million-dollar smile, which works out to, oh fuck, what's a cool mill divided by 20? The fucking abacus on my crib doesn't go up that high. Hey, hand me that little globey thing with the balls in it that I like to mow the carpet with.

Oh shit, I forget, I'm not that old yet.

Baby Dreamboat has a name.... a boring, boring name

The Boston Herald is claiming that Bridget Moynahan and Tom Brady have brushed aside all the kickass names suggested by KSK readers and named their little golden boy... Jonathan Brady. Color us underwhelmed. Such a mundane, white-bread name is hardly befitting such an auspicious arrival.

Even if the proud parents have failed to capture the glory and majesty of the moment, KSK reader Bryan J. is more than up to the occasion-- delivering us this epic photoshop. Judging by the picture, Dad is so caught up in the excitement of new fatherhood that he doesn't notice that new teammate Randy Moss is sneaking off with Brady's one true love. Once again, congrats to Bridget and Tom for having working sex organs.

Emergency KSK Commenter Draft: Name This Baby

While we know quite a bit about Tom Brady and Bridget Moynahan, details about the kid are still sparse. We know it's a boy and...well, that's about it. Tom Brady, we must imagine, is surely overwhelmed with the realization that his life is now over. Yeah, being a dad is great and whatever (that's what I read, anyway), but as he watches a promising career of pure bachelorhood evaporate before his eyes, his latest acquisition now toils in this mortal neo-natal world of ours, nameless.

Sadly, our newly-papoosed prodigal passer might be mere hours from being slapped with some ridiculous Hollywood-inspired child's name like "Coco" or "Apple." Or worse, he could spend his life shouldering even something more uninspired, like "4real" or "@." Hey, @, how are you today? What's that, @? Could you repeat that, @? What's your email address, again?

We cannot let this happen. This is, after all, A Baby Of Destiny. We must rise to this occasion as voices of reason, and hope that, for all our collective efforts, one name stands above all. For this draft, you are naming this baby. You know the rules. I will go first.

Anakin Bootylicious Brady.

Pick a name. Wait ten picks. Pick another name. If you have time, mock and ridicule the ones that fuck this up. Time is a factor here. The fate of the future lies in your hands.

Go.

Tom Brady's Baby Ends Holdout

WHHHAAAHH! WHHHAAAAAAAA!!!!! Whaaaaaa! Whaaaaaaaaa!

WHOA HOLY SHIT! Where the fuck am I? Last thing I remember, I was sliding down the inside of my mom and now some asshole in a mask and green pajamas is trying to nostril-fuck me! Get that fucking thing out of my nose! If you're so eager to help, you can grab a rag there and wipe some of this pussy shrapnel off my face! And turn some of these fucking lights down! You're not delivering a king-sized order of onion rings, faggots!

Seriously, where the fuck am I? WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE? What is this place? This kinda looks like a small cafeteria to me, but where are all the stacks of trays? Wait a sec, am I in NFL Europe? That would explain why it's so cold, out here in Nonpussyville. I don't think I can survive outside of the snatch for, oh, more than a couple of hours. Guys, for real, I can feel my lips starting to chap. You mind if I run back into my mom for a second? I have some gloves in there. I'll be right back, seriously. I swear.

And not that I'm complaining about this, but do I have two dicks? I have this long ropecock that leads back into my mom, and then another friend down there. Is that crazy? I mean, I have two of everything else, right? When I get older, I'll have two Christmases, too. Wicked. Yeah, that other one a little farther down is nice, too. We'll call that my backup dick.

Yeah, go ahead, you green freaks, clamp that dick down and measure it. Just tell me how long it is in inches, and then tell me what an inch is. You could just draw an inch for me on that legal pad on that desk over there. I'm a visual learner, see.

Helloooo? Will somebody just tell me where I am? Hey, are those scissors? Be careful with those, you might...hey! HEY WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING! THAT'S MY ROPECOCK! YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME I JUST GOT AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

...Damn you sons of bitches, you just slashed my ropecock. I hate all of you fucking people. I just know I'm gonna hate it in this...this cafeteria. At least I have two great parents that love each other. And a spare pecker. Fuck this place, I'm taking a nap...



Oh, hey, dipshits. One more thing...

Do I have a name?