People with Pit Bulls Don't Kill Pit Bulls; Pit Bulls Kill Pit Bulls
Ah, 1987. We were all so much more careful, more prepared for the worst twenty years ago. No one was on Prozac. The Unabomber bombed freely. The Japanese stood poised to destroy every American business. Consecutive summer Olympics had been marred by Cold War boycotts. And presidential scandals were all about taking the money from illegal arms sales to sworn enemies and using it to illegally fund rebels opposing a sworn enemy on a different continent (Take that, blowjobs and far-ranging organizational incompetence). It was an era where we handled impending doom with abject fear, instead of today's more popular ironic detachment and willful ignorance.
And though few remember it, pit bulls -- not the well-intended gambling addicts training them to kill -- were the next Great Menace. Hey, something had to replace Soviet Russia.
Yes, it was 20 years ago this week that SI featured the dangerous "pit bull terrier" with an ominous "Beware of Dog" sign posted on the fence around its magazine. And I think we need to reflect on this. It's time to give Michael Vick a break and look at the real enemy: pit bulls. Because has Vick ever actually killed a pit bull? Well, yes. Probably. But he was mostly putting the animals that he cared for out of their misery. Animals that were MAULED BY PIT BULLS. Not humans. Not Michael Vick. Pit bulls. And they need to take some of the blame.
Alas, young Ookie was only seven at the time of the SI cover story, and SI KIDS didn't make its debut until 1989 (And even then it was all puff pieces: Look at this popular athlete! We photographed him smiling AND jumping!). It's safe to say he missed the lessons of this SI feature that targeted young athletes with pro aspirations. Among the warnings about pit bulls:
- Minimal shedding negated by propensity for bleeding on carpet.
- Tendency to hump other dogs against their will, eat babies.
- Product of communism (probably).
- Did not participate in Hands Across America.
- Are easily bred to believe Holocaust did not occur.
- Likely to kill adorable cobras.
- Menacing nature confirmed when pit bull puppet attacked Ronald Reagan puppet in "Land of Confusion."
- Probable source of AIDS.
- Fur not very soft.
- Will totally fuck up your NFL career.
Unfortunately, the warning went unheeded on the gritty streets of Bad Newz, and now it's NFL fans who suffer at the loss of the most electrocuting player in the league.
Thanks a lot, pit bulls.
(Image found by Football Huddle 3.0)
