It’s primary day here in the DC area. Due to the fact that I am a registered independent and a convicted embezzler/animal sex offender, I’m not eligible to vote in any of these things. I tried to change my registration, but I was far too late to do so. But, if I were eligible, I would totally vote for this guy, Barack Obama. In fact, I even gave his campaign ten dollars, and I plan on happily voting for him in November. Now, I have political reasons for voting for Obama. I like him, I like his policies, I think he’s a great leader and all that shit.
But fuck all that for a moment. There’s another reason I want to vote for Obama, and it is this. Voting for Barack Obama gives me, a white person, a new and refreshing way to let people know that I am NOT a racist. For years, after making a terrible ethnic joke, I always tried to counter any accusations of racism with the tired excuse, “Hey, I’ve got black friends.”
First of all, this excuse has been beaten into the ground by too many white people (such as me) over the years. No one buys it anymore, and rightfully so. You’re just a boy crying black wolf if you say it. Second of all, I haven’t seen my one black friend in over a year. Which sucks, because my friend Turk (not his real name, nor does he call me JD) may know more about pornography than any man in history. The darkest friend I have after that is my friend Tony, and I only say he’s dark because he wears lots of black and is on lithium. The rest of my friends are whiter than a blank Word document.
So that excuse doesn’t wash any more for my lily-white preppy Bethesda ass. If I want to deflect any and all racial criticism, I’m gonna need something better. And that’s what this knight in shining chocolate armor gives me. How racist can I be if I actively contributed to and voted for a silky smooth black man to be leader of the free world? Answer: NOT RACIST AT ALL!
Did I complain about that fat black woman who was walking too slowly down the sidewalk, whom I could not get around? Sure did. But I’m not racist. I VOTED FOR OBAMA, GOD DAMMIT. Do I know every line of “Blazing Saddles” by heart? Oh, yeah. But I’m not racist. I VOTED FOR OBAMA, GOD DAMMIT. Does my sphincter tighten if I’m alone in a parking garage late at night after a movie and I see a black man approaching? Possibly. But I’m not racist. I VOTED FOR OBAMA, GOD DAMMIT. Do I think that John Thompson may be legally retarded? Good God, yes. But I’m not racist. I VOTED FOR OBAMA, GOD DAMMIT.
You see? With one pull of the lever, I’ve got a whole new excuse for all my minor prejudices and subconscious anxieties towards people who are different from me. And that buys me another decade or so to avoid confronting and trying to fix all those pesky inner flaws. Oh, the freedom tastes so sweet!
AND it gives me carte blanche to accuse OTHER white people of being racist, which is just about the most enjoyable thing in the world. Because, if you didn’t know it by now, the fact is that the most racially offensive thing to call a white person today is “racist”. “Honky” and “cracka” don’t bother them in the least. But call a white person the r-word? Holy shit, do they get upset. It’s terrific fun. Look at all those Massholes. They voted for that white Clinton bitch in the primary. WHAT A BUNCH OF FILTHY RACISTS! If only they had voted for Obama like me, then they would be extremely NOT racist. But they didn’t, so fuck those unenlightened, Klan-rallying racists.
I’m also hoping this vote gives me an opportunity to broaden my ethnic joke repertoire. Ever notice how Asian people treat other people as if they’re completely invisible? Or that some black grocery store clerks always need the key? Those are topics I’d really like to touch on. Not that I’m racist. I VOTED FOR OBAMA, GOD DAMMIT.
I tell you, playing this Obama card will work absolute wonders for us all. We’re about to enter a whole new world of acceptable ethnic humor, which I think will help unify us all. Can we make it happen? Well, if I may be so bold: YES WE CAN!
UPDATE: Some other asshole had this idea before I did. Well, fuck that guy. He's a fucking racist.
Second of all, I haven’t seen my one black friend in over a year.
ReplyDeleteI heard he was on loan to Stephen Colbert.
You just voted for Obama so he'd finally have his own drinking fountain.
ReplyDeleteNo...he voted for Obama because he wanted the truly white candidate. Can you say Oreo Double Stuff boys and girls?
ReplyDeletePost over. Oh, I am sorry, BDD, I didn't mean to overstep my bounds, you say that.
ReplyDeletepffffft. canes fans have been using thier Convict U alliegence as a 'get out of jail free card' for years.
ReplyDeleteI thought Maj was your only black friend. I am so confused...
ReplyDelete1.) I'm not voting for someone who has the perfect look to play Tom DuBois if they ever make a live-action Boondocks movie.
ReplyDelete2.) Wake me up when this asshole does something in the Senate besides work on his Presidential campaign, which he claims isn't about race, though he gladly uses African-American colloquialisms that would get Clinton/McCain skewered in the media to his advantage.
you didn't hear about the ugly tupac/biggie split that BDD and Maj went through?
ReplyDelete1 vote for Obama = 4 lap dances from token black stripper
ReplyDeleteYep, we need someone who's got no experience whatsoever in domestic or foreign policy making.
ReplyDeleteIt's like he a cross between a preacher and a salesman, and people are buying into his "hope" laced speeches.
You think Iran's belligerent now? They are licking their chops over fresh raw meat. Russia's returning to their cold war ways, and North Korea can't wait either.
/pussy basket joke.
-10 to devang and miamidiesel.
ReplyDeleteAs I said in the Hillary post last week:
ReplyDeleteGive a Fuck
Vote for Huck
Fuckin' be with Huckabee in '08!
Actually Devang they are all wiping their lips after having 8 years of Dubya
ReplyDeleteSorry Drew. Sometimes this shit gets me going.
ReplyDeleteForgot the dick joke requirement when commenting.
Bill Simmons is wearing an Obama '08 button, but only because he left his Kerry '04 button at home and he doesn't want to feel left out.
ReplyDeleteAND I watch The Wire!
ReplyDeleteLook, none of these sumbitches running for Pres have an ounce of experience at anything other than kissing the collective ass of the special interests and lobbyists.
ReplyDeleteWeathervane McCain was against the Bush's tax cuts before he was for them.
sHillary is one nasty-ass ballbuster which should probably endear her to to me, but it doesn't. I still say she pees standing up.
Huck just wants to bring God and religion to the world which means you all would have to go to fucking church on sundays instead of watching football..so fuck that asshole with a buzzsaw.
Obama did drugs and bragged about it in his book..if thats not a reason to vote for his black ass I don't know what is. Plus he does stand up better than any of the other fuckwits running.
What other reasons do we need to vote his black ass in?
In fact, I even gave his campaign ten dollars
ReplyDeleteI can't believe you saw a Tyler Perry movie.
I'm just gonna lie and say I voted for Obama.
ReplyDeleteNow if only there were a way to obtain that elusive "Get Out of Necrophilia" card....
ReplyDeleteI have a dream that one day I can live in a world where people realize Richard Pryor co-wrote Blazing Saddles and thus it is not racist.
ReplyDelete+1 futuremrs
ReplyDeleteactually, Barack hasn't taken any money from lobbyists.
ReplyDeleteand you aren't electing a man, but an administration. I'm pretty sure the team he puts together will have some "experience whatsoever in domestic or foreign policy making." I doubt the scary and slightly retarded mug of Dubya is whats keeping Iran from starting shit. Its not as if the Dems would sit on their hands if they actually DID something.
sucks that you can't vote in the primary as an Independent though. You can in VA.
its all been done...
ReplyDeletehttp://longorshortcapital.com/my-get-out-of-racism-card.htm
-10 to devang and miamidiesel.
ReplyDeleteAdd another -10 from me.
I'm sorry you don't like it when the black guy uses black slang, MD. You're going to be furious when you find out that he's also fathered two black kids.
And devang, you're right. Messages of hope and idealism never work in politics. Just look at those empty-headed idiots who said stuff like "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself" or "ask not what your country can do for you..." Who wants a return to those nightmare days?
I know one person who won't vote Obama because he's Muslim (he isn't, of course), and another who won't vote for him because his middle name is Hussein (which is scary).
ReplyDeleteAt this point, either Obama or Hillary would be such a cockslap in the face of these kinds of people...if nothing else, please vote out of a sense of Scahdenfreude!!!
You realize all your ballots are never counted and the Masons use them to light the bonfires at their ritualistic pagan election orgies right?
ReplyDeletefuck it, i'm writing my name in
ReplyDeleteJust look at those empty-headed idiots who said stuff like "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself" or "ask not what your country can do for you..." Who wants a return to those nightmare days?
ReplyDeleteSo Obama is either going to suffer from a debilitating disease and have to roll around in a wheel chair, screw his attractive secretary while avoind his horse-faced wife (who was his cousin), spend money to make the lives of poor people slightly better and aid and abet a world war by choosing sides and openly flaunting the obligations of a neutral country, and then repeal the 22nd Amendment.
Or Obama can take three shots in nine seconds in Dallas, after he copulates with every breathing female in a 50 mile radius while doped up on pain edications for a back injury he suffered when his crappy skippering allowed his PT boat to be cut in half by a Japanese destroyer - at night, and by setting race relations back from the previous administrations gains because he was worried about losing the Southern vote (the ones his daddy couldn't buy with bootleg liquor money).
Obama's got my vote.
Amen, BDD. Why do you think I chose a Wu-Gambino alias as my nom-de-tubes? It allows me to add comments in all of the Hines Ward posts without being completely racist, just overwhelmingly so.
ReplyDeletethe great bambi said...
ReplyDeletefuck it, i'm writing my name in
You know they'll only let you write it in once, right?
And then twenty seconds later, Bambi will write his name in again.
ReplyDeleteFucking loud and short capital.
ReplyDeleteAnyone who wrote an indignant post about politics, please punch yourself in the face. Thanks.
ReplyDelete"Won't someone pleeeeease think of the children?!?"
http://longorshortcapital.com/my-get-out-of-racism-card.htm
ReplyDelete-10 to BDD
and as for your card, consider it revoked.
Politicians are corrupt? They sleep around? Make bad decisions? Holy shit.
ReplyDeleteI can't wait for more great insight from over zealous commentors. Who knows whats next?
I don't surf that site. It's not my fault they thought of it first and did a shitty job of making jokes about it.
ReplyDeleteWhere's your "Get Out of Plagiarism" Card?
ReplyDeletebut yea, this is clearly a way better post than that one was. so i guess that can kind of act as your card, if i'm the one doling them out... which i am.
ReplyDeleteObama is probably the single worst presidential candidate of the last 20 years. He stands for nothing except special interest pork barrel spending, and padding the pockets of the fat cats in Washington. He'd rather steal your television rather than cut your taxes.
ReplyDeleteNot to mention hes a fucking Muslim. Come on now, seriously, the leader of the free world a Muslim? Yeah that'll work out real well.
Ooh, allegations of plagiarism? Can we have a PlaFlaWa?
ReplyDeleteTommy Thompson's going to bed full tonight...
ReplyDeleteGreg, I'm actually hoping Obama can combine both traits and emerge as a half-man, half-wheelchair cyborg who can deflect bullets and fuck starlets at will.
ReplyDeleteLooks like Joe gets his political information from the back of oatmeal packets.
ReplyDelete@otto - It's sugar packets.
ReplyDelete/indignant
@ otto man
ReplyDeletewell if the choice is going to be between a giant douche and a turd sandwich, why not go choice three and vote for the awesom-o 3000
-10 Joe for being ignorant.
ReplyDeleteSigh, what a good run America had too... soon idiots will run this country... oh wait...
pork barrel spending
ReplyDelete...ok, I know what I'm getting for lunch.
I was an impressionable high school student at the time, so my memory is somewhat foggy, but that other President Clinton we had seemed to work out okay, didn't it?
ReplyDeleteBetter the devil you know than the devil you don't, right?
Go Hil.
+100 great bambi
ReplyDeleteVote or Die motherf*cker, or I'll put a bullet in your eye.
@otto man
ReplyDeleteWe could get into a long and arduous argument on this issue, but this isn't the forum for it.
We respectfully agree to disagree on our views.
(Waiting for a Mike VIck prison post.)
"Yep, we need someone who's got no experience whatsoever in domestic or foreign policy making."
ReplyDeleteSo if the Senate doesn't make domestic or foreign policy, who does? And if you're worried about Russia, shouldn't you try to disarm them from nuclear weapons? Sort of like that one bill does...what's it called...oh yeah, the Lugar-Obama Bill.
"Now here's the problem as I see it. While Governor Baily is beloved by all, 98 percent of voters rate you as despicable or worse."
I voted for McCain so I can keep making jokes about Vietnam vets
ReplyDeleteThis is what happens when you don't tag the post "if you start a political flame war I will feed you to Tommy Thompson."
ReplyDeleteI certainly won't be reading through all this crap.
I think I'll just not vote and wear a t-shirt that says "Don't blame me, I voted for the losing candidate."
ReplyDeletea) who the fuck reads long or short capital?
ReplyDeleteb) i tried a similar strategy with alan keyes in 2000. totally backfired. that card didn't get me shit.
@otto man: -10 for failing to use a Simpsons reference in trying to deflate my argument. Know your role goddamnit.
ReplyDeleteAs for Obama, the man is all style and no substance. It's easy for him to say he's been against the war from the start and wouldn't have voted for it when HE DIDN'T ACTUALLY HAVE TO VOTE. Since he's been in the Senate, he hasn't done anything substantive to lead opposition to the war. You're telling me that somebody named Barack Hussein Obama would've had the balls to vote against the war in Iraq in the post-9/11 environment that that vote was taken in? Maybe there is a Barack Hussein Obama who would've had the balls to vote against it, but not this asshole, who tucks tail and retreats off all those dreamy things he says in his speeches when he has something at stake politically. Take a look at this article, which chronicles his backing away from positions (on admittedly lesser issues). He tells college kids in Illinois in 2004 that he's for decriminalizing marijuana when he's running for Senate. Now? His own goddamn campaign managers don't know what his position his, but it appears he's just for "reduced sentences". Is he for or against ending the embargo on Cuba? What's his position on universal healthcare? Time and again he's made a speech in favor of what some might think is an ideal position on these issues, and now that he's actually in office and has his position at stake he's backed off of the positions that would comprise the real change and hope he talks about. This guy is so full of shit Mr. Hankey is blushing. Seriously, fuck this guy.
/I swear I'm not the Unabomber
/dick joke
Nixon was so bad that he could get innocent people in to politics, but Clinton is bad in a way that will get all but the worst ones out
ReplyDeletenow..steve largent...he was a contender
@otto - It's sugar packets.
ReplyDeleteDammit, no wonder I don't have the inside scoop like Joe does.
@ otto man: well if the choice is going to be between a giant douche and a turd sandwich, why not go choice three and vote for the awesom-o 3000
I have it on good authority that Awesom-O is not, in fact, an actual robot. He's a bigger phony than Mitt Romney, who is, oddly enough, an actual robot.
@otto man: We respectfully agree to disagree on our views.
Fine by me. I don't want to get fed to Tommy Thompson either.
And for everyone's sanity, I'll apply the truce to MD too.
i tried a similar strategy with alan keyes in 2000. totally backfired. that card didn't get me shit.
I believe that card will qualify you for discounted shock therapy at any of your neighborhood Crazy Eddie's Psychiatric Outlets. "Tell 'em Alan sent ya!"
@miamidiesel: -10 for linking to the Moonie Times.
ReplyDeleteHey I tried a similar tactic with Krusty, er, Sharpton in 2004.
ReplyDeleteoh shows what you know otto, wanna know why the writers' strike went so long? studios were all set for scripts thanks to awesom-o 3000, maybe you've seen trailers for his first movie, "You don't mess with the Zohan"? that adam sandler, what a riot
ReplyDeleteAlso, I'm quite bitter about the fact that my absentee ballot never arrived, so I make no guarantees about respecting any cease-fire.
ReplyDeletei could swear someone left a comment that referenced the "fat cats in washington" and was totally serious about it.
ReplyDelete@otto man: truce. Though you couldn't have worked a "Don't blame me, I voted for Kodos" in there?
ReplyDelete@bacsonkadonk: I know it's the Moonie Times. But they have video evidence!
Can't we all just go back to hating on Pats fans?
@miamidiesel: Now that's change we can believe in.
ReplyDelete18-1! 18-1! 18-1!
Point well taken, Bambi. There's nothing that Sandler can't do!
ReplyDeleteAnd MD, I'm strongly pro-Kodos, but that line's getting trounced like Kucinich in the octagon. But yes, we all can all agree to hate the Pats
Mmmm. Pork barrel.
ReplyDelete/drool
"There is an 80% chance in the next election that I will tell all my friends that I'm voting for Barack Obama but I will secretly vote for John McCain." - Liz Lemon
ReplyDelete"I Love cornbread, in fact I love it so much I want to take it behind a middle school and get it pregnant!"
- Tracy Jordan
"...so I was in this refrigerator"
-Bill Clinton
I know no one wants to hear it, but I'd like to point out that Greg Schuler is stupid. He said FDR repealed the 22nd amendment.
ReplyDeleteFDR was president from 1933 to 1945. The 22nd amendment was passed by Congress in 1947, and ratified in 1951.
In closing, Mr. Schuler is a dickface.
Listening to Obama's sweet empty rhetoric is like listening to Madden after Thanksgiving dinner. It's not at all substantive, but it's still great. So just vote for the guy.
ReplyDelete@Russell - um, FDR was the reason for the 22nd Amendment, Therefore, for Obama to become FDR (which I would want to see - Obama with those little glasses and the cigarette holder, he'd be looking real tight) he would need to find a way to repeal the 22nd Amendment, which has never been repealed.
ReplyDeleteSo in closing, you are a retarded fuckwit. And an asshat.
@ottoman - like Stephen Hawking then?
ReplyDelete@miamidiesel: You started out so well with the Boondocks, and then you had to go and ruin it by talking about the Senate. I work in the House, so I can tell you that the Senate never does anything anyway, and he (and Billary, and McCain) might as well use his time constructively by campaigning.
ReplyDelete@BDD: It's like you're reading my mind. Asians on the Metro make me homicidal during rush hour. They might as well be tourists.
As I always do before any major life decision, I consulted my Ouija Board, it said -
ReplyDeleteV-O-T-E-O-B-A-M-A-U-C-R-A-C-K-A
/Checking with Nostradamus next
@ottoman - like Stephen Hawking then?
ReplyDeleteClose. I believe Obama could lead us to a Utopia, but Hawking would make it a Fruitopia.
All I know is that according to the $20 bill, Andrew Jackson had killer hair.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeletedoes this mean if i vote for hillary i get a lesbian/tranny get out of jail free card?
ReplyDelete/realizes one doesn't need such a card
according to skinemax, most lesbians are in jail and aren't in any hurry to get out
ReplyDeleteWhoa. I'm sorry I mentioned doing politics in the off-season. I thought that the posters here could transcend the Bullshit and have a little fun with it. I was miss-informed. The only politician I've liked in the last 30 years was Jack Kemp. Good QB, smart mutha. He wasn't on the take and couldn't fund a presidential run. The next politician I believe in will be passing out KY-Jelly.
ReplyDeletesweet Bethesda reference dude.
ReplyDelete@otto man - as long as it's Lemondae Love & Hope, that would be chill.
ReplyDeleteObama voted to the renew the Patriot Act and over $500 billion in funding for the war.
ReplyDeleteFuck him.
So how about religion, huh? Those Catholics have the right idea, am I right?
ReplyDeleteWV: ugvin - Seems yiddish.
Um, it ain't November yet. We will review your application for the card then.
ReplyDeleteCarry on.
this excuse is gonna work like a charm where i live (north philly)
ReplyDelete/prays to not be shot
BDD you're friends with the only black person living in Minnesota?
ReplyDeleteAnd yes I'm voting for Obama... but now I have more incentive.
Erection lesurts give Barack nice big smirre!
ReplyDeleteMy fellow Americans. As a young boy, I dreamed of being a baseball, but
ReplyDeletetonight I say, we must move forward, not backward, upward not forward,
and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom!
I would love to hear Obama make that speech and see if people still cheer for him because they don't want to get left off the HOPELIGHTCHANGE train.
BDD, you sexist piece of shit.
ReplyDelete/also voting Obama
I think Obama is a pretty cool guy, eh cosponsors nuclear disarmament bill and doesn't afraid of anything
ReplyDeleteJust a friendly reminder: http://clydetombaugh.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/2008/02/08/brosbeforehoes.png
ReplyDeleteI have my MS Word documents set to a permanent blue background, doogie howser style. So, you know
ReplyDeleteObama will beat McCain worse than the Vietcong ever did.
ReplyDeleteYou're not racist! You're sexist!
ReplyDeleteWell according to the feminazi in the article. Sadly the piece is not satirical like yours. She manages to basically say that all black are voting for Obama and all women are voting for Clinton. Apparently if you're not feminist you are too busy cooking supper and having babies to make an intelligent choice so you go with the woman or whoever's holding something shiny.
Sorry all you white guys, if you vote Obama you're just sexist!
She likes her a big brush!