This is Britney, cheerleader for the Bucs. Britney is the coolest cheerleader in the world. In fact, she wears nothing BUT her cheerleading uniform, even while buying groceries. She enjoys snorting cocaine and then riding around on a Waverunner. She will do tequila shots with you until 6AM, and then eat a 96 oz. ribeye for breakfast. She listens to The Sword. She likes football, but has the courtesy to watch it in a another room so you can watch it with your friends. Like 99.99% of the population, she can kick Simmons' ass in Scrabble.
She speaks 7 different languages and eats raw shellfish at least once a day. She likes firing guns. She likes men with back fat. She can shimmy up a palm tree in 7.8 seconds. She'll have fresh popovers ready for you in the morning, every morning. She fucking hates Ellen Pompeo. She can quote all of Kinison's best work, including, "Well, it wouldn't be like that if someone had a ladder and a pair of pliers!!!" She actually likes her female friends. She threw eggs at NOW protesters from her community college dorm room.
She's open to threesomes, and to guiding you through the process. Her father invented the cuckoo clock, and thus she is worth billions. Her Dad will take you golfing at Augusta any time you wish. She sleeps in the nude. She'll teach you how to surf. She likes cars that go really fucking fast. She smokes enough weed to make the Maj look like a goddamn 8th grader. She's got an oceanside condo with a pool bar and 12-burner gas grill. Her teeth and feet are fucking flawless. She follows her birth control pill schedule with military precision.
She majored in English at UVA. Her favorite book is Catch-22. She's smart as shit, but she's not quite as smart as you.
But she smokes. Dealbreaker?
Not a dealbreaker unless her last name is Spears.
ReplyDeleteRemember kids if she smokes she pokes.
ReplyDeleteShe loves back fat. Smoking will not be a deal breaker.
ReplyDeleteoff topic: nice to CC and With Leather featured at foxnews.com right now.
"It's so bitter. Tastes like ashes in my mouth..."
ReplyDelete"I think it's more of a honey-glaze"
But, seriously, she's one of the hottest women I've seen...if she was all of those other things, smoking wouldn't be a deal breaker. The coke use might...
ReplyDeleteI'm cool with everything except the 96 oz. steak. I couldn't be with a woman who could eat more steak than me.
ReplyDeleteIf that quote at FoxNews wasn't attributed to Ufford, I would have sworn it came from Bill "Was it a negligee sitation?" O'Reilly.
ReplyDeleteThat's my kind of girl!
ReplyDeleteI was won over by her liking The Sword. That band rules and any hot chick that likes them is a winner. She could ritualistically skin and eat her boyfriends and I'd be ok with it.
ReplyDeleteNice catch, UU... I love that the text of the WL post is treated as though it were a response given in a press conference or something. That's just priceless.
ReplyDeletecan she beat me in the original arcade version of mortal kombat? that's the ultimate dealbreaker.
ReplyDeleteAlso, @narts: Are you sure that's not a clove?
ReplyDeletedon't mention it futureMrsA. And you are right, it does sound like they talked to Matt when they just took it right off the web site.
ReplyDeleteEven Brady Quinn would bang her. That is how hot she is.
ReplyDeleteWell, I really did believe her bio until you said she went to UVA. Being from Charlottesville I can tell you no UVA chick is that hot or that cool.
ReplyDeleteUVA? That's the bleu cheese of colleges!
ReplyDeleteBut she smokes. Dealbreaker?
ReplyDeleteOnly if she puts it out on the head of my penis.
And even then, I'd probably say "Nah."
It looks like Fox has killed With Leather.
ReplyDeleteNo English major at UVA has ever been that cool. I know this because if Britney was real, we would've been friends in college.
ReplyDeleteYes it would appear withleather has shit the bed.
ReplyDeleteDealbreaker? Nah But she needs to brush 3x a day, floss and use scope.
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, I'll be resting my beer on her lower back.
WithLeather is down because it's being flooded with traffic from Fox News
ReplyDeleteBut does she wear a short skirt and a long jacket?
ReplyDeleteSo UVA is a community college now?
ReplyDeletebig daddy klosterman?
ReplyDeleteIt would be a dealbreaker.
ReplyDeleteAs long as she doesn't bum all my damn smokes.
ReplyDeleteEven though P-Funks are often 2 for 1...
Switch out The Sword (what the fuck is that?) for, say, Sharon Jones and the Dap-Kings and make her use Scope and gum obsessively and no, it's not a dealbreaker. So long as she does anal.
ReplyDeleteI suddenly feel very alone and unloved.
ReplyDelete/Not even my word verification of icup is cheering me up.
All of that and "she is worth billions?" There is no such thing as a deal breaker with her. Not even an icepick to the applesack could make her that bad.
ReplyDeleteUnless she's a pats fan, then I OSI-fy her, and then dump the fucking skank. No pun intended.
"She's smart as shit, but she's not quite as smart as you."
ReplyDeleteMethinks I smell a contradiction. I am not the brightest bulb in the bunch.
dealbreaker. Current wife can't stand smokers.
ReplyDelete"Like 99.99% of the population, she can kick Simmons' ass in Scrabble."
ReplyDelete+1000. Awesome.
the dealbreaker was the fact that she reads books....*shudders*
ReplyDeleteThe smoking's not a killer. The weed use might be.
ReplyDeletemaybe if she smokes MY COCK! yeah sluts!!!
ReplyDeleteI hate to burst everyone's bubble, but I did the research, and about three quarters of the Bucs cheerleaders are communications majors at USF. So they're probably not discussing Foucault in the offseason.
ReplyDeleteAlso, as a UVA alum, let me tell you that there are tons of girls there who would blow Britney out of the water.
@bacsonkadonk: My sister is a UVA alum, but she majored in Sports Medicine. Don't touch her.
ReplyDeleteAs for the rest, I'd try to wean her onto And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead instead, but otherwise, perfection. Any man can overcome kissing an ashtray for that kind of woman.
Deal breaker when I got to the "She smokes enough weed to make the Maj look like a goddamn 8th grader." part.
ReplyDeleteNot cool.
But other than that, she is perfect.
WAHOO WA WAHOO WA UNI-V VIRGINEE-AH, WHO RA RAY, WHO RA RAY, RAY RAY UVAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteToo bad our basketball team sucks big ass. But I would do Britney every day of the week and 10 times on Sunday.
Drew,
ReplyDeleteYou delete my comments faster than Simmons won't allow them. WTF?
@j4bs
ReplyDeletedamn, i never knew there were so many uva kids on this board. indeed the team sucks ass, but if you can buy some high quality baking powder mixed with ground caffeine pills then the sucking goes down so much more sweeter... oh wait a minute, we were just ripped off $70... fuckin-a.
i will just add this... i knew a total of two kids from uva who graduated with english degrees. one is now a lawyer, and the other sells furniture. so i suppose, britney is right where she's supposed to be.
You delete my comments faster than Simmons won't allow them. WTF?
ReplyDeleteYes, that happens when you throw down the n-word and write annoying slash fiction that has nothing to do with the post.
Okay, thanks for the advice. I'll stop using the N-word. I mean, some people think that it's just a word. And if you're hyper-sensitive about it, you just give it (the word) more power and actually help racist fucks that use that word in a derogatory way. I still think you're way better than Simmons. If I ever see him, I'll drop that fucker and tell him it's a gift from you. I'll also let him know that you don't like the "N-word." Also, what made you think my stories were fiction? Can I buy you a half-rack of your favorite beer?
ReplyDeleteThe sad part of this post is that after finding out she listens to the Sword, for the rest of the post you start thinking "she's impossibly great," and then the post is done and you're back to being unloved and lonely in your crappy life...
ReplyDeleteThere is no deal breaker possible. No way. Any of you that say different are lying.
ReplyDelete