Face it, your life sucks. You weekdays are boring, you sleep through your weekends, and even your most eventful evenings are scattered among nights of cheap, fatty dinners and sessions of underhanded self-loathing. You are hardly redeemable as a human being. And we would know.
Fortunately for you (and for us), Hollywood never lets facts get in the way of bad cinema. The screenplay documenting your shitty existance, after a few focus meetings and a near-infinite number of re-writes, will be perfect for the silver screen. Remember the time you fucked that hot blonde in the back room at Piggly Wiggly? Neither do we! But there it is, on page 70, written out in all its artistic glory.
Today, good people, you are casting the person that would play you in this movie.
The Rules:
--You are picking this person as they existed IN THEIR PRIME.
Think Steve McQueen circa The Cincinnati Kid or Adam Sandler circa Happy Gilmore. They do not have to be alive today.
--They do not necessarily have to be actors.
Most of you are going to fuck this up anyway, so go ahead and embarrass yourselves creatively.
--No one can be chosen twice, regardless of which era that person is taken.
For example, you could take Drew Barrymore from ET, or Drew Barrymore from Charlie's Angels. Not both. Again, some of you are stupid and will fuck this up. I apologize to both of our literate readers that naturally would have understood this.
--People back out of shit in Hollywood all the time, so take an understudy. Or six.
Don't let your movie go to shit because your main guy bailed two weeks before shooting to be the next General Zod. Get a backup, but wait 10 picks before doing so. Same as always.
With the first pick, I'll keep it contemporary and select the incomparable Don Cheadle. Black people are always cooler than white people. Plus, this guy could read a fucking Human Resources policy book and leave me transfixed. Fortunately, making my life interesting will be only slightly more difficult than that.
Get to it.
George Clooney. Only dude I know who gets as much ass as me.
ReplyDeleteHas Don Cheadle been taken?
ReplyDeleteDon Cheadle is the poor man's Alphonso Ribeiro.
ReplyDeleteJohn Belushi
ReplyDeleteBrando. No understudies necessary.
ReplyDeleteJohn Cusack.
ReplyDeleteHe should probably start eating pasta for the next eight weeks.
Tom Cruise, Risky Business era...
ReplyDeleteIs that gay? It feels gay...
Vince Vaughn
ReplyDeleteSteve Buscemi
ReplyDeleteI'll take DeNiro. All around badass, just like myself.
ReplyDeleteRussell Crowe
ReplyDeletejohnny depp
ReplyDeleteForgot to add, vince vaughn in his swingers era, he was skinnier and better looking than now
ReplyDeleteLeif Garrett. I just feel like we're going to have something in common in about two years.
ReplyDeleteJeff Bridges
ReplyDelete@burnsy: I hope he's available!
ReplyDeleteChevy Chase circa Fletch.
ReplyDeleteAnd seeing as I've been placed in charge of my office today and have ridiculous work to do I have no problem being the draft pick moderator today.
ReplyDeleteWV: kmayb... what I would say to ScarJo if she asked me to put it in her pooper.
Geena Davis - circa The Last Kiss Goodnight.
ReplyDeleteBecause my tall personality can be reflected on the screen even if though it has been limited in real life by the fact that I'm hobbit sized.
Jon Favreau. He's already been eating pasta for the past eight weeks.
ReplyDeleteClint Eastwood.
ReplyDeletevincent chase
ReplyDeleteAnd seeing as I've been placed in charge of my office today and have ridiculous work to do I have no problem being the draft pick moderator today.
ReplyDeleteThen penalize yourself, you only waited 9 picks. Off with your fucking head.
@ ffjewbacca
ReplyDeleteThank God, because I'm taking Chevy Chase circa The Karate Dog.
Brad Pitt
ReplyDeleteAnyone who takes Chris Tucker should promise their movie ends with several gunshots shots to the head face chest neck and legs.
ReplyDeleteThen so did Drew because I picked after him.
ReplyDeleteRichard Roundtree
ReplyDeleteHey, I'm just talkin' 'bout Shaft!
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteDrew, breaking the rules? For shame.
ReplyDelete"underhanded self-loathing", is that the new euphemism for masturbation? That would make sense if we're talking about my life.
ReplyDeleteBenicio Del Toro. 'Fear and Loathing...' Benicio.
Fantastic pick, Otto.
ReplyDeleteI'll take the Vikings penalty on my next pick. No one's taking Corey Haim soon anyways.
burnsy, you also broke the 'no one can be chosen twice' rule
ReplyDeleteMel Gibson
ReplyDeleteHe already has the whole drunken, prejudice, asshole thing down, so he wont have to do much research for the part
Paul Giamatti sans the beard and with some serious lifts. I related to "Sideways" a whole lot more than I care to admit. Plus I wouldn't mind bagging Virginia Madsen.
ReplyDeleteChevy Chase circa Fletch.
ReplyDeleteThank God, because I'm taking Chevy Chase circa The Karate Dog.
Worst. Moderator. Ever.
Drew didn't pick first, Punter did....
ReplyDeleteI'll take Harrison Ford from Raiders of the Lost Ark.
ReplyDeleteQuestion: How can I post or send someone on here a picture of Kool Aid dressed up like a gangsta, with bling on. Don't ask me how I found it. It was a google miracle.
Jenna Jamesom before the bad plastic surgery
ReplyDeleteUm, that was a joke. Yikes.
ReplyDelete@ grimey
ReplyDeleteI stand corrected. I'm quite hugnover. I penalize myself two picks and beg for everyone's forgiveness.
Steve McQueen
ReplyDeleteHungover even. Christ.
ReplyDeleteJohn Holmes.
ReplyDeleteStephen Colbert.
ReplyDeleteGood thing you're in charge of the office today, Burnsy.
ReplyDeleteGene Hackman to the set.
ReplyDeleteI cant believe I missed the bukkake yesterday. Nice work, fellas.
Ron Jeremy. . . . circa today when he is fat and ugly and hairy. . .not from back in the day when he was tubby and ugly and hairy.
ReplyDeleteW.C. Fields
ReplyDelete@ j
ReplyDeleteNo shit. Pretty soon I'll take a dump on my desk.
Steve Carell, both of Michael Scott and 40-Year-Old Virgin varities is a more than acceptable understudy.
ReplyDeleteI think I win the self-loathing battle. Y'all can suck it.
Samuel L Jackson.
ReplyDeleteI wish i was suicidal, cuz then I'd definitely pick Zach Braff. Since I'm not, I'm going Steve McQueen.
ReplyDeleteJack Palance.
ReplyDelete"Confidence is verrrrrry sexy, don't you think?"
MMP, what about animated characters?
Randy Couture
ReplyDeleteBad Ass
Johnny "Drama" Chase. Jesus, is my self-esteem that low
ReplyDeletefuck, withdrawn
ReplyDeleteRyan Reynolds, who actually is Chevy Chase in his prime.
ReplyDeleteNote: I would do the same for him, if the beginning of the movie were after he split up with Alanis Morrisette.
Angelina Jolie - she's hot and (I think) she can act.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteJohn Wayne
ReplyDeleteSean Connery.
ReplyDeleteThe penis mightier!
Denzel is a good value pick here. i'm told he's black, but I don't see colors when i look at people.
ReplyDelete@Awful Chief: No.
ReplyDeleteAnybody want to go start drinking at Hooters? But not like a good Hooters, like an airport Hooters where the chicks have C-section scars and black eyes.
ReplyDeleteEd O'Neill, circa Dutch
ReplyDeleteRick Morranis circa Little Shop Of Horrors.
ReplyDeleteEd O'Neill is a fantastic pick at any stage of his career.
ReplyDeleteI need someone to do justice to my drug-fueled high school days.
ReplyDeleteHST
I already got Johnny Depp, who wouldnt want two Raoul Dukes?
Jason Lee.
ReplyDeleteno explanation necessary.
I don't know Chief, have you tried watching John in Cinnci?
ReplyDeleteChristian Bale. Why, because I have an incredibly inflated sense of self-esteem, that's why.
ReplyDeleteSince Redhead took my pick, I'll go with Charlize Theron, circa anything but "Monster".
ReplyDeleteDonald Sutherland, circa Kelly's Heroes.
ReplyDeleteBill Pullman, circa ID4
ReplyDeleteDennis Hopper circa Apocalypse Now.
ReplyDeleteGood times.
Bogart.
ReplyDeleteBill Murray circa Caddyshack/Stripes
ReplyDeleteJames. Fucking. Dean.
ReplyDeleteJonathan Silverman
ReplyDeleteI'm not a Jew but I wish I was.
Jack Nicholson . . . any time period, any movie, any day.
ReplyDeleteVal Kilmer
ReplyDeleteI'll take one Dennis Leary, and his "asshole" song gets to be played during the opening and closing credits.
ReplyDeleteRita Hayworth circa the movie Gilda - I kind of feel obligated to take a redhead, and she was the best.
ReplyDeletePaul Newman, straight out of "Cool Hand Luke."
ReplyDeleteBut only on the condition that George Kennedy's semi-retarded best friend doesn't come along for the ride.
Is this who we want or who should?
ReplyDeleteWith my first pick I choose who I want:
Paul Newman - circa Cool Hand Luke/ Butch Cassidy
Damn you Drew, damn you to hell.
ReplyDeleteI'll take Bruce Lee.
Ahh fuck you otto man
ReplyDeleteJim Caviezel
ReplyDeleteHas Christopher Walken been taken? I didn't see his name, so if he was, count me as one of the illiterate readers.
ReplyDeleteIsaiah Thomas.
ReplyDeleteAbout right considering I'm a complete fucktard today.
Sorry for the cockblock, Dougolis.
ReplyDeleteHe-Man.
ReplyDeleteThe resemblance is uncanny.....
Was going to take him, coach, but I'll take Harvey keitel circa Bad Lieutenant.
ReplyDeleteAlec "you're a disgusting little pig" Baldwin.
ReplyDeleteGary Oldman
ReplyDelete"He must have thought it was white boy day. It ain't white boy day, is it?"
That sounds like something i would say.
Billy Dee Williams- -(cerca Blacula) No one's smoother.
ReplyDeleteJon Stewart. On Weed.
ReplyDeleteWell, I guess I'll take who I think should since that pick was voided: Jake Gyllenhaal (Donnie Darko)
ReplyDeleteTommy Chong, I feel that would do appropriate justice to my visage.
ReplyDeletetony jaa
ReplyDeletemy athelticism is on par with his
@DougOLis: your call.
ReplyDeleteI'm taking Rodney Dangerfield... I don't really know why... but it seems to be a good pick.
ReplyDeletePhillip Semour Hoffman circa "Scotty J"
ReplyDeleteWilliam Hung.
ReplyDeletefallex, nice pick with Murray.
ReplyDelete"You can't leave! All the plants are gonna die!"
Alan Rickman
ReplyDeleteNicholas Cage
ReplyDeleteDonald Duck....I want my life story to be animated
ReplyDeleteRowdy Roddy Piper. WWF or 'They Live' eras, take your pick.
ReplyDeleteWoody Allen
ReplyDeleteThe uber-mensch; also closer to my actual height than Jonathan Silverman.
peter dinklage, because sometimes i wish i was short?
ReplyDeleteRay Liotta from "GoodFellas"
ReplyDeletefucking chief i was taking the time to read through them all and in that time you took my guy. come on hes jewish from the 609, come one please i beg you. by the way know we see why following th rules never pays.
ReplyDeletefuck it i take troy mclure
Ralph Macchio
ReplyDeletePacino - good value this low
ReplyDeleteHelen Keller circa hagrhiargh 8pa4rg89pz erhsvjnsrvl
ReplyDeleteChris Benoit
ReplyDelete...too soon?
Spike Lee - he's touch shorter than me, but I agree with MMP, black guys are cooler than people of pallor.
ReplyDeletefuck IT. HANKS.
ReplyDeleteBill Lumbergh - Office Space.
ReplyDelete"Mmm, yeah, I'm going to have to go ahead and ask you to come in on Sunday."
Tobey Maguire...
ReplyDeletebecause everyone says I look like him (so be it!).
On second thought, I don't want anyone to see my life story on the big screen. So... David Spade.
ReplyDeleteok is been ten im taking the other jewish hro
ReplyDeletemel brooks
"mel brooks is jeweish!?"
Ava Gardner
ReplyDeleteJessica Biel! Now all the love scenes will be lesbian scenes with a super-hot chick. Hooray!
ReplyDeleteMike Madsen circa Reservoir Dogs
ReplyDeleteGood one with Madsen. I'm going with Harvey Keitel.
ReplyDeletejargonbear, the man has a name. Gary Cole.
ReplyDeleteWilliam Zabka aka Johnny from the Karate Kid.
ReplyDelete@romo no homo
ReplyDeletenot too soon at all, cool picture by the way, fag
Charlton Heston.
ReplyDeleteI'm having a hard time figuring out what his prime was, though. Back in the "Ten Commandments" and "Ben-Hur" epics? Or the finer work of "Planet of the Apes," "Omega Man," and "Soylent Green"?
Hard to say.
@awful chief..I realize it's Gary Cole, but he's a respected actor with a decent resume.
ReplyDeleteI just think an asshole would be a much better portrayal.
damn you Caveman! I was going to go with the actress/lesbian love scenes via Uma.
ReplyDeleteWhy, yes, I believe a 6 foot tall woman can play me.
Apparently Keitel picked. Anybody taken Wallace Shawn? You may all know him as "IN-CON-THEEVABLE!!!!!"
ReplyDeleteThe guy that played Bill S. Preston, Esq.
ReplyDeleteGael Garcia Burnal, not sure why but I don't think I have disliked a single thing he has been in.
ReplyDeleteSean Penn. he'll accurately depict both my high school experiences and my war crimes in vietnam
ReplyDeletegroucho,
ReplyDeletewhat?
grungedave said...
ReplyDelete"Tobey Maguire...
because everyone says I look like him (so be it!)."
grungedave = Will Leitch.
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ReplyDelete... and those times I banged Madonna when she was hot and curious.
ReplyDeletejohn john, the king is a fucked up movie.
ReplyDeleteJim Carrey - a bunch of Brits once told me I was a dead ringer. I don't see it, but I'll take it.
ReplyDeleteCirca "Eternal Sunshine" becaue I'm a total film snob douche. Kate Winslet isn't too hard on the eyes, either.
@Matt, you mean Alex Winter? solid.
ReplyDeleteI'll take Vinnie Jones (Big Chris from Lock, Stock ...)
Hilary Swank...no wait, too manly to play me.
ReplyDeleteJason Biggs
Better.
so i can take clive owen this late? nice. clive fucking owen. i think maybe i win with the modern actors.
ReplyDeletePeter I never said his shit isn't fucked up from time to time, just said I haven't not liked any of his shit
ReplyDeleteBobby Hill, at the age of 40.
ReplyDeleteIf he lets himself go.
I'm just as good looking and almost as funny.
Robert Plant for my late teen, early 20 years.
ReplyDeleteFred Schneider of the B-52's, circa 1991, for my late 20's, early 30's years.
Abe Vigoda for mid-30's to present.
Judi Dench.
ReplyDeleteMichael Keaton as Johnny Dangerously, but I'll take his whole career through the second Batman.
ReplyDeleteMarcello Mastroianni in La dolce vita. Buxom Swedish women constantly ask me to follow them.
ReplyDeleteI like "The King" its just fucked up. Dont get so defensive, its okay.
ReplyDeleteEric Stoltz
ReplyDeleteLance from Pulp Fiction
Will Ferrell. I drive a dodge stratus. Booyah.
ReplyDeleteJudy Garland, circa Wizard of Oz.
ReplyDeleteDoes it make me a friend of Dorothy if I am Dorothy?
La Lohan circa Mean Girls.
ReplyDeleteRedheaded
Freckled
Quality boobs
Crazy only in a charming way
Fan of the booze
John Candy
ReplyDeleteback to the great black actors - Morgan Freeman - he's played God (twice!) and the POTUS.
ReplyDeletewv: wmzzzwf - that's how I feel today. zzz - What? Fuck!
Laurence Fishburne.
ReplyDeleteAnd once again, I can't decide if I want Furious Styles Fishburne or Morpheus Fishburne. Hmmm.
This is an easy one for me. Charlie Sheen plays the character of ME right between Platoon and Wall Street. My life story would be a massively overexaggerated story of hookers, blow, and running from the law...because Sheen was completely money from '86 - '90.
ReplyDeleteOh, and yes I know I need a thesaurus.
ReplyDeleteElijah Wood
ReplyDeleteShort and douchey wins the race.
Chris Farley.....I used to be mistaken for him in college
ReplyDeletewv: ppinbuy
ReplyDelete"Oh I was in the neighborhood, just ppinbuy"
Edward Norton on the board? Edward Norton off the board.
ReplyDeleteSuckers.
jet li. ironically hilarious because i've never been in a fight of any kind.
ReplyDeleteBruce Willis
ReplyDeleteCrispin Glover
ReplyDeleteBruce Campbell
ReplyDeleteAlso, sorry if that came off as defensive, didn't mean to be.
Randy Quaid for the 'unstable' years.
ReplyDeleteI always get in on these things late.
ReplyDeleteJack Black.
Emilio Estevez circa D1.
ReplyDeletetake the fall
act hurt
get indignant
Jack Bauer, and no I don't mean Kiefer Sutherland, I mean Jack Bauer. Unless it's the Kiefer that tackled the tree.
ReplyDeleteClark Gable
ReplyDelete"I'll take Christopher Reeve!"
ReplyDelete-Mike Utley
James Gandolfini
ReplyDeleteGary Coleman
ReplyDeleteThe red Teletubby.
ReplyDeleteNo one's taken Robert Redford?
ReplyDeleteFine, I'll reunite Butch Cassidy & the Sundance Kid.
I've been told I look like Damon, so maybe Damon would seem like he was playing me... Only to be killed by the real me, Jean Reno. (The Professional.)
ReplyDeleteI'm planning to be pretty goddamn ornery when I'm old, so I'll take George C. Scott circa Patton.
ReplyDeleteJesus.
ReplyDeleteWho's not gonna vote for Jesus to win the Oscar?
Danny Trejo.
ReplyDeletetony curtis circa some like it hot. if he were into babes he could have pulled down so much tail, including monroe
ReplyDeletePaul Rudd - know how I know you're all gay? You listen to Coldplay!
ReplyDeleteclive owen, jet li, and now orson welles. not a bad lineup.
ReplyDeletei love how people are picking non-actors to act as them in a movie.
David Cross
ReplyDeleteBurnsy, that was one hell of a pick.
ReplyDeleteMichael Imperioli
ReplyDeleteThe big Sicilian nose clinches it.
I can't wait until KSK finances these movies to be made.
ReplyDeleteWith the steal of the draft...Kevin Spacey. Nobody else is as consistently aces as the man who:
ReplyDeletea) refused to have his name on the poster or opening credits of Se7en because he didn't want fans to know it was him
b) was motherfucking Keyzer Soze
anthony michael hall, circa breakfast club. or john cryer, both of them are interchangeable anyway.
ReplyDeleteYeah, where do we turn in the screenplays?
ReplyDeleteDavid Hasselhoff. choke on my hoff.
ReplyDeleteJet Li:
ReplyDeleteWith the personality of Lethal Weapon 4 and the martial arts skill shown in Legend.
...and a bigger wang. I'm just assuming...
@ the yong nucleus:
ReplyDeleteyeah, but...
@ethnic mike: Jet Li was taken awhile ago
ReplyDeleteHugh Jackman, both the Tony Award winner and Wolverine. Money.
ReplyDelete