I pride myself on being a very clean person. I shower every day, even on weekends! And I’ve been known to shower upwards of three times a day. Showers are fucking great. No one bothers me. I can sing the entire new BRMC album to myself. And I can lather up my balls real good. At my gym, they offer free shampoo and conditioner dispensers in the shower. And, since it’s free, I take advantage. I like to squirt about a pint of shampoo into my hair, just to see how much lather I can build up. Answer: a lot.
About a month ago I’m taking my usual 8-minute shower. I come out of the shower, dry off, then hang up my towel. My wife comes into the bathroom. She grabs the towel. There’s a little brown spot on it.
“Hey. What’s this?”
I dunno. Probably dirt.
“What dirt? You weren’t outside.”
Are you insinuating what I think you are? Listen, lady: I wash my ass thoroughly every shower. When I’m done lathering up my hair, I take the leftover lather in my hand and jam it right up my yin yang. Then I make a second go-round with the shower poof after that. And I get in there. No surface gliding for me. I dig around and make sure my crack is completely scrubbed clean of all fecal material and potential Nerd-sized dingleberries. So how dare you accuse me of being unclean in that fashion.
“Fine. Fine.”
She does the laundry and the spot’s gone. A week later, I’m showering again and go to dry off. This time, I’m alone. Mrs. Drew is nowhere around. I hang up my towel. There’s another brown spot on the towel. Since the wife wasn’t around, I examined the spot closely. It was brown. I went to sniff.
I pooped on my towel.
God dammit. If there’s anything I hate, it’s when my wife assumes something terrible about me and turns out to be correct. This, of course, happens all the time. It was clear what had happened here: God (the greatest hater of them all) had magically placed some extra poop in my butt even after my thorough cleaning to make me look bad. I didn’t want to be known as a towelshitter for the rest of my marriage. So I went to throw all the towels in the laundry. My wife notices this. My wife notices everything.
“What are you washing the towels for?”
Uhhhhhhhh, because I love you?
“Seriously. What’s up?”
All right! All right! I confess! I fucking wiped doodoo right on the towel. Fuck!
“Ew.”
I don’t even have to tell you that the exact same fucking thing happened again a week later. And this time: the poop didn’t wash out all the way, so we had to throw the towel out. So now we have a new towel that serves as a constant reminder that I was somehow negligent enough to wipe poop on my own towel three separate times. Guhhhhhhhhh…
I’m proud to say that new towel has remained poop-free ever since. You’d be amazed at what steel wool can come up with.
The cool kids call it shubbing: shub being an acronym for Soapy Hand Up Butt. The contemporary man has no finer tool in his hygeine arsenal.
ReplyDeleteMrs. Drew: "Someone shit on the towels! Somebody shit on or around the towel area."
ReplyDeleteBDD: "What?" (disappears)
Way, way too much information.
ReplyDeleteShubbing... that could lead to some interesting discussions about who it is who shubs certain people: like PK, the Gumbels - that is if they actually have anus'.
ReplyDelete""By waking up a little early and having some extra sheets handy, no one's the wiser." -- Milhouse Van Houten
ReplyDeletegod i hate you.
ReplyDeleteDrew,
ReplyDeleteI think the dingleberries are getting stuck in your ass hairs, casing the towels the go brown.
How can you NOT tell when you've pooped? It's not possible
As a Dolphins fan I am only familiar with shitting the bed.
ReplyDeleteI think towel pooping is really only a concern when you are dating. Once you give in to marriage small PI's ( poop incidents) should be no biggy.
ReplyDeleteFather apparently doesn't Know Shit after all.
ReplyDeleteDrew -
ReplyDeleteWTF?!?! Oversharing is the perfect tag for this post. My god man, try taking a shit before you go into the shower, then use a washcloth (with soap) to scrub yer crack. Mrs. Drew will be sure to appreciate you going the extra mile.
On another (football-related) topic, did anyone read Peter Kings account of his new favorite chick flick? He must be desperate for filler material less than 5 months until kickoff.
I support the resumption of Father Knows Shit blogs (at least until preseason starts). That was a great blog.
ReplyDeleteHave you ever thought of buying brown towels??
ReplyDeletejackin'4beats:
ReplyDeleteI quoted that specific chick flick passage in the comments for the cheerleader post.
Is Peter King self-aware?
amphibian -
ReplyDeleteI was about to post it and realized you had already done so, but wanted to stress to the Gay Mafia that now's a great time for some good ol' fashioned PK bashing. Maybe another homo-erotic tale between him and a crotch-grabbing QB from the ND.
Of course I poop before my shower and then scrub thoroughly WITH the shub. That's the point of the story. I didn't squeeze one out onto the towel. The Poop Spot was put there by an angry and vengeful God.
ReplyDeleteDammit Drew...on a Monday? This was CLEARLY like a Thursday post.
ReplyDeleteHow about shitting in the shower? Someone must have done that before.
ReplyDeleteRight?
Hello?
Is there anything worse than having to poop after the shower? Makes me feel like I need to shower again.
ReplyDelete@ BDD
ReplyDeletesure, blame your incontinence on "an angry and vengeful God." I'm sure the wife sees it that way.
Is there something else we need to know about?
HAHA
This made me giggle for like 15 minutes. Outstanding.
ReplyDeleteAlso: totally, Siobhan.
8 minute shower? No wonder your towels are getting all shitty. You need to spend a minimum of 5 minutes on the ball/taint/ass region to ensure cleanliness.
ReplyDeleteLil Vito knows your pain.
ReplyDeletebdd, man you got it all wrong.
ReplyDeleteShit, shower, wipe.
When I get out the shower I make sure to wipe with tissue like I'd just taken a shit, I do no like the feeling of moisure in my crack, nor do I like the idea of taking a fresh towel to my crack.
Not surprisingly, Analrapist is an expert on taking care of your "ball/taint/ass region" in the shower.
ReplyDeleteA couple of years ago I was watching a game being played in the rain on a natural grass field. Most of the middle of the field had turned to mud. My pal I was watching the game with had this to say:
ReplyDelete"That field sort of reminds me of my underwear."
Wow. T the fuck MI.
ReplyDeleteIs there anything worse than having to poop after the shower? Makes me feel like I need to shower again.
I wholeheartedly agree with this post. I had a stretch this winter where i was doing that every day, and it really pissed me off. Thankfully, that has stopped.
wormfather has it right: When I get out the shower I make sure to wipe with tissue like I'd just taken a shit, I do no like the feeling of moisure in my crack, nor do I like the idea of taking a fresh towel to my crack.
ReplyDeleteCrap. Wipe. Shower. Wipe. Dry off with towel. I think that the Europeans might be onto something with that bidet thing.
BTW I hadnt read a post that made my ass clinch that tight since the girls took over the site that day.
ReplyDeleteYou can't be too careful when making sure the ass is clean, I say.
ReplyDelete@ sledgodFather apparently doesn't Know Shit after all.
ReplyDelete+1
i think married men might be able to appreciate this post a little more than the single guys.
ReplyDeleteThere's a humorous and horrifying story that gets brought up at family events once every year or so. It seems my brother was home visiting from college and had taken a shower and grabbed a towel off the rack to dry off. Immediately after drying his hair and face he opened his eyes and was confronted by an unwelcome brown visitor that had been left on said towel by our father earlier in the day.
ReplyDeleteNeedless to say, I always inspect all towels before I add to or remove from the rack. And to this day I'm not certain my brother can sleep through the night without waking in terror, some 10 or 15 years later.
@ empee
ReplyDeleteGreat/Horrifying story. That one made me laugh out loud. I think security is coming over to check on the disturbance, must... escape...
@ beaverfever
ReplyDeleteAnd I think single women will never get married because of this post.
Started out just a little turned on (a little), then... OK, now I'm just grossed out. But hey, shit happens. Heh heh...
ReplyDeleteWhy do you have white towels, anyway? Get some nice colored towels, use only once per shower, dry from the top down, end of story.
good god.....
ReplyDeleteBy the way, hello everybody, I am lazy so it took me forever to get a blogspot account so I could post comments, you will be seeing quite a bit of me though.
It took the towel-staining story to get you to register? Impressive.
ReplyDeleteBDD, you should just go ahead and borrow the girl's baby wipes, wipe first with regular toilet paper, finish with the wipes. You'll clear stuff you never knew was there.
ReplyDeleteUsing the loofa (lufa?) sometimes hurts a little if you're sensitive. Shubbing is definitely the ticket.
"At my gym, they offer free shampoo and conditioner dispensers in the shower."
ReplyDeleteGym? Really? You expect me to believe you go to a gym (let alone shower at one) when you post pictures like this of your glorious crap factory online? I call shenanigans on this whole post. BDD probably shit those towels on purpose to get back at Mrs. Drew for saying Brady Quinn was mas macho...
I said I go to a gym. I never said it worked.
ReplyDeletebuy brown towels.
ReplyDelete@redhead, for better or for worse when you get married. don't let a poop towel story scare you off.
ReplyDeletegreat call on the baby wipes bigricks. baby wipes aren't only for babkies.
Two words: Standing wipe. one pass down below after the shower/intial drying but before toweling the midsection.
ReplyDeleteAfter this story, I'm starting to understand why Towlie is always stoned on "South Park." To smoke out the horrors, man.
ReplyDeletebigricks beat me to it, but i second the use of wipes. definitely baby wipe before you towel. you got about a million of those wipes laying around the house anyway.
ReplyDelete"buy brown towels."
ReplyDeleteSeriously. Men were never supposed to use light-colored towels. This is why god put your poop on yours.
Buy some goddamn dark colored towels like a real man.
Happy Mother's Day, honey! I washed my taint just for you.
ReplyDeletethe same tactic being proposed for towels should be applied to underwear. never buy white underwear. black or dark gray only.
ReplyDeleteA couple of years ago at work (not my current job) I had 6th cup of coffee, a bagel omelet with hot sauce and some hash browns. Then the blubbering started.
ReplyDeleteSo I go sit in the handicapped stall (more leg room, you know) reading news on my Palm Pilot. I drop the palm pilot on the floor and it skids across the other stall. I immediately jump up to retrieve and unbeknownst to be a big Vito Jr. size turd plops on the floor. I sit back down and I see a huge brown stain on the back of my pants and the huge piece of turd on the floor.
FUCK!!
Luckily there's no one else in the bathroom to witness my accident. VERY CAREFULLY I slide my pants back on, run to the sink and start cleaning my pants with about a whole packet of paper towels. Just as I am about to finish cleaning, someone walks in, looks at me strangely and keeps washing his hands. Now, I have to change my pants. Who the fuck carries an extra pair of pants with them? I then remember that I had bought a pair the other day and they were still sitting in my car. I sprint sideways down the hall towards the parking lot. As soon as I step out, there are about 20 people smoking. With my head down, I sprinted towards my car like Ben Johnson on steroids, popped the trunk, got the new pair of pants. I get into the passenger seat to change, and all of a sudden I hear this buzzing sound and feel a cat scratch on my ass. I just happened to sit on my electric razor and the fucker started up.
All this before 10 AM.
damn devang... I've had a few days like that but just with pee...sometimes I get distracted by the paintings above the urinal. What happened after that, I mean did people know it was you?
ReplyDeleteOh, I forgot the part where I used a roll of TP to clean the mess. To keep it less disgusting, you know.
ReplyDelete@Devang, you got PWNED by that turd.
ReplyDeleteseriously, can't we just...get something else at the top of the page now? please?
ReplyDeleteI agree becky
ReplyDeleteSo I go sit in the handicapped stall (more leg room, you know)
ReplyDeleteMe too, devang. I like to think of it as 'the owner's box'.
TMI, dude. TMI.
ReplyDeleteWow, devang. I'm surprised you didn't catch on fire there.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, the handicapped stall is the Cadillac of pooperies.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteAnswer to your (and Mrs. Drew's) prayers...
ReplyDeleteThe Butt-Face Towel
I'll second (fourth) the handicap stall preference.
ReplyDeleteNot only is there more room, but where I work it's the only toilet of normal (household) height. The regular stalls all have toilets about four inches too high, and that gets uncomfortable after a couple of articles in the paper.
Also usually cleaner.
I am so buying a Butt Face towel for a birthday gift.
ReplyDeleteMy brother in law unwrapped one this past Christmas....
ReplyDeletesloth-
ReplyDeletedon't forget to scroll down and order some Butt-Face soap as well...
Never posted before either, shan. But I have to say, as a doctor of medicine, giving yourself soap water enemas (an actual treatment) if you're not totally blocked up might make for some squishy drawers. Medically speaking.
ReplyDeleteand that, boys and girls, is EXACTLY why (from time to time)you gotta trim the butthair. don't think of it as being metrosexual, think of it as a pre-emptive strike against the poops that don't break off cleanly.
ReplyDeletei've said too much haven't i?
In the LRA household Mr. LRA and I have separate bathrooms, so he can wipe whatever he wants on the towels without my knowledge (he does his own laundry too). And I can't recommend adult baby wipes highly enough. For those who fear the Unholy Dingleberry, they rule above all.
ReplyDeleteThis is certainly an auspicious day in the history of Kissing Suzy Kolber.
ReplyDeleteOh, please. Like the Missus has never had to either a) bleach her towel or b) use only burgundy-colored towels once a month.
ReplyDeleteI prefer pipe cleaners myself and sometimes I go in past the wrist. You gotta get your hands dirty to keep your asshole clean.
ReplyDeleteOr,
Well, a prolapsed sphincter is the price you have to pay to be the hardest working bottom in gay porn.
Mrs. Drew needs to lighten up. She sounds like the kind of wife that doesn't put out enough.
ReplyDeleteDon't worry, Team. I feel that I am an expert on such topics.
ReplyDeleteI just use a bit of toilet paper to check before I get into drying the crevices of my body.
ReplyDeleteI'm really hoping that all the malt liquor made me hallucinate this post.
ReplyDeleteNice Dane Cook Red Sox rapist...
ReplyDelete"I hope that wasn't on my towel..."
Awwwww Ilse...did ya have to go there?
ReplyDelete