The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in Miami! Next up, former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger!
"The Super Bowl? That reminds me of January 1970. We were already secretly bombing Laos AND Cambodia, and Nixon tells me he wants to hit the trifecta and nail Thailand.
"'But why?' I asked him.
"'Why the fuck not?' Dick said.
"So I spent hours begging and pleading with Nixon not to bomb Thailand. Finally, Nixon makes me an offer. We bet on the Super Bowl. This was Super Bowl IV, between the Kansas City Chiefs and Minnesota Vikings. Now, the Vikings were heavily favored in this game. And Nixon offered me the Vikings straight up, giving no points on my end. If the Vikings won, then we wouldn't bomb Thailand. If the Chiefs won, bombs away. It seemed a safe enough bet. So I made it.
"Well, of course, the Vikings were upset by the Chiefs. And Nixon's dancing around the place, taunting me and yelling, 'Wait'll those Jews in the press get a load of this!' He had had an entire bottle of scotch during the game. Although, he also made this same statement before the game as well, so the alcohol didn't really seem to matter.
"Anyway, the next day we sent out four squadrons and dropped over 50,000 kilotons of munitions on a small Thai rice farm town called Pho Met. I'm pretty sure we killed a solid 40,000 women and children, which had Nixon delighted. I also found out, to my own pleasant surprise, that Pho Met was one of the leading producers of counterfeit butter dish cozies in the world. So, in fact, the bombing did help protect our overall economic outlook.
"I personally took a survey of the area after the raid. A young farm woman came up to me with third degree burns all over her body, screaming at me, "WHY???!!! WHY WOULD YOU DO SUCH A THING?!" Of course, I calmly explained to her that she would need many doctorates in both political science and international relations to understand the complexity behind such a decision.
"Then, I slapped the shit out of her. Right on the burn. It felt appropriate.
"Oh, and in the Super Bowl, my prediction is Colts 47, Bears 13. Although I do like the way that Rex Grossman throws the football. He reminds of Nixon in a way."
Thanks, Mister Secretary! More picks from the stars on the way!
Pray with me Henry!!
ReplyDeleteThe tapes of SB 4 have mysteriously disappeared.
ReplyDeleteAfter this, Nixon started diagramming plays and lost the Presidency. Coincidence? I think not.
ReplyDeleteSure, fine, but what does this have to do with bagging Jill St. John?
ReplyDeleteRichard Nixon may get older, but Richard Nixon jokes sure as hell don't, especially the ones involving Scotch and Jews.
ReplyDeleteWhat, you say Tricky Dick is dead?
That's horse shit.
So was Tricky Dick responsible for "65 Toss Power Trap"?
ReplyDeleteBecause Stram seemed to take all the credit, in my opinion. History needs to know the truth.
Nicer legs than Hitler... bigger tits than Cher.
ReplyDelete+100 grimey
ReplyDeleteThat made my fucking day.
g-dub and itchy finger dick have a similar wager on this year's game.
ReplyDeleteif colts win. we bomb some more brown people in iraq.
if the bears win... we bomb some moore brown people in iraq.
But what does Ben Stein have to do with all of this?
ReplyDeleteBesides being his speechwriter that is.
ReplyDeleteWow, what a disappointment. And here I thought you were going to replace Parcells with this draft choice.
ReplyDeleteYesterday I learned Bud Grant played in the NBA. Yep. For the Lakers. Minneapolis, that is.
ReplyDeleteOh yeah. Fuck the Chiefs, Dolphins, Steelers, and Raiders.
And fuck the Cowboys for that Drew Pearson bullshit, and Herschel Walker.
I hope Kissinger washed his hand after he slapped that bitch in the burn, that shit's infectious.
ReplyDeleteif that prediction doesn't prove he's guilty of war crimes, i don't know what does.
ReplyDeleteNicer legs than Hitler... bigger tits than Cher.
ReplyDeleteExcellent reference. Henry Kissinger, how I'm missing ya.
And hell of a funny post, Your Daddiness. This may be the best yet.
Richard Nixon may get older, but Richard Nixon jokes sure as hell don't, especially the ones involving Scotch and Jews.
ReplyDeleteBut Nixon drank gin! The gin and Jews jokes write themselves.
LOL, awesome post, and I loved Doug's reference to the SNL skit. "Don't you want to pray, you Christ-killer?"
ReplyDeleteKissinger looks like if Ben Stein and the warden of Shawshank Prison mated.
ReplyDeletehahahhahahahahaha!
ReplyDeleteHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHBWA BWA BWA HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAA BWABABABABABHAHAHAHA
BWAHA!