The Best NFL Stabbings

With the bowling alley stabbing of Roderick Green last week, the NFL further cemented its place as the preeminent sports league for getting knifed. A quick run-down of the competition:

NBA: Okay, so Paul Pierce got stabbed repeatedly outside a nightclub, but that was in 2000. Since then the NBA has shown a strong preference for guns, whether it's merely carrying them into the airport or getting shot while driving on the highway.

MLB: The only stabbing in baseball happens with syringes full of gorilla DNA. Otherwise, they prefer fisticuffs.

NHL: With all those skates and tempers flying around, you'd think this would happen more often. Nope.

MLS: And why are there no soccer stabbings in America? Because Landon Donovan is a pussy. Hell, women's tennis has more street cred. (And while we're talking about women's tennis, I might as well mention that I would happily stab Maria Sharapova repeatedly with my pork-sword. If you know what I mean, and I think you do.)

The NFL is truly our only stab-tastic pro sports league. Here are the top seven NFL-related stabbings over the last seven years:

#7 -- Ray Lewis and friends, January 31, 2000. Hey, what better way to party after the Super Bowl than to murder two people? Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot: Ray was totally innocent. He just copped a plea bargain to rat on his two buddies, then paid for their high-priced defense team, who got them acquitted. I heard that after the trial he swore to find the "real killer."

#6 -- J-E-T-S fans, November 29, 2005. During a loss to the Saints (hey, this is already funny), a man named Thomas Conwell stabbed another fan in the face, neck, and ears. To be fair, the fan was wearing a Pennington jersey.

#5 -- Mike Holmgren, January 3, 2005. In the final game of the season, Holmgren called for a Matt Hasselbeck sneak at the goal line, causing Shaun Alexander to lose the league rushing title to Curtis Martin. "This is the first time I've ever been back-stabbed in my life," said Alexander after the game. He was rushed to the hospital, where doctors found no obvious wounds, just an untreated yeast infection. Seriously, what a little bitch thing to say.*

#4 -- Jason Taylor, April 30, 2006. Let's get the record straight: The town of Davie, Florida is not exactly known for its urbane, high-minded culture. So when a 5-11, 168-pound white man named Redmond Burns attacks a 6-6, 255-pound All-Pro defensive end with racial slurs and a stab to the forearm in a road rage incident, perhaps all we can do is say, "Eh, that's Florida. Wokka wokka wokka."

#3 -- William Green, November 2003. Green, a running back for the Browns, was stabbed by his fiancee in their home near BEREA, OHIO. Then she called 911 and told the emergency operators that Green had cut himself. The story failed to hold up, probably due to the degree of difficulty it requires to stab one's self behind the shoulder blade.

#2 -- Roderick Green, July 9, 2006. Fans rejoice at the opportunity to make Big Lebowski jokes. OVER THE LINE!

And #1... Nick Harper, January 14, 2006. A domestic dispute in the Harper household ended when Daniell Harper, his wife, plunged a filet knife into his knee. (I think I've dated some crazy broads, but I've never even had one wave a knife at me. What are NFL players doing right that I'm doing wrong?) The next day, with three stitches in his knee, Harper scooped up Jerome Bettis's goal-line fumble in the final minutes of Indianapolis's most recent playoff flameout. As he raced for the end zone, he changed direction, and a stumbling Ben Roethlisberger tripped him up just enough to prevent what would have been the winning touchdown.

Did the knee effect Harper's running on that play? Is it possible that an angry wife with a knife cleared the way for an unlikely Super Bowl champion? In Kissing Suzy Kolber's world, the only possible answer is yes.

*Shaun Alexander apologized and I love him very much in a hetero sort of way.

NOTE from Big Daddy Drew: I protest the exclusion of Dimitrius Fucking Underwood from this list. Way to do a background check on your draft picks, Denny Green. You fly-fishing fat fuck.

The Al Davis Comedy Hour

Welcome to the latest in our 32 part series, Better Know a Football Team.

If the NFL were Hollywood, the 2006 Oakland Raiders would be Snakes On A Plane. Every simpleton (even Sean Salisbury) knows that both are destined to fall flat on their faces, most likely in their opening weekends. At times both the Raiders and Snakes will range from uncomfortable to terrifying. More importantly to our cause, both projects have the potential for levels of humor not seen since the 1980 duo of the Raiders championship and Airplane!.

As always the story of Raider Nation begins with Al Davis, the League's resident hemmorhoid. The past three seasons have resulted in the Norvian average of 4.3 wins; once again the aged one spun the wheel of NFL coaches. Much like a contestant on The Price Is Right, Davis failed to complete a full spin on his first few tries and missed out on his top choices. With Bob Barker looking on the producers allowed the decrepit Davis to take a default, he was eventually able to retain Art Shell (you remember, he's the guy that replaced Mike Shanahan, and we all know how well that's going). He will soon go down as the first coach to begin his initial season on the hotseat.

For those who find the pathetic management of the front office too tragic to laugh at (pussies), I proudly present you Aaron Brooks. Mere words cannot do justice to the sheer majesty of Ron Mexico's cousin. Before we go further I'd like you to watch this YouTube clip as a friendly reminder of his exploits and future potential.

The bright spot of this franchise is the offensive talent surrounding their new play maker-upper. LaMont Jordan is a proven talent but he's yet to prove his longevity; combine that with a depth chart thinner than J.E. Skeets, and there could be trouble at times. The real strength comes from the speedy and sure-handed stable of receivers. Although Randy Moss is a pain in the ass he's got all the talent he needs to carry the offense... but more importantly he's got a smoothie franchise (I recommend the OG Kush).

Unfortunately for Brad Gilbert and any other Raider fans out there, Jerry Porter is already bitching about his new coach and his role on the team. His future in Oakland is currently in question. A popular option is last year's injury victim, Ronald Curry. Some of you may know him better as the best football/basketball combo that a Virginia high school has seen since AI's day. He went on to stab UVA in the back to play quarterback at UNC... where he sucked. Now he will try to join Porter to recreate the dynamic duo that outed Chump Bailey once and for all.

The defense was the obvious cause for concern in the offseason. Despite losing perennial underachiever/injury victim Charles Woodson the Raiders were able to shore up the beleaguered eleven by raiding the Rose Bowl rosters. They acquired two elite college safeties, Michael Huff of Texas and Darnell Bing of USC (apparently they will not be played by Hank Azaria and Matthew Perry despite what you may have heard). Thus far in minicamp the Raiders have been featuring Bing at outside linebacker, another defensive hole as of late.

Oakland is headed for a long season that will be rife with despair, truly the only ecstasy you'll find in that locker room will come from Sebastian Janikowski's stash pocket. Their best bet is to share that shit with the guys in the Black Hole and pray they don't riot.

Another Fantasy Women Want No Part Of

Monday Morning Punter will post FF stuff throughout the season.

Fantasy football has become a sort of sports porn; you don't really play FF, as one would play real football, or any other sport. Still, it is a genuine competition, one that facilitates the need for competition, camaraderie, and talking shit. It has gained popularity and coverage that was unheard of even five years ago, but is still short on legitimacy with the un-converted. It's still kinda...dirty. It hasn't quite broken out of Nerd Status yet, but it's on the verge. Could this be the year?

We at KSK happen to like The Dirty, and we'll open with a short Fantasy Q & A to get the fantasy juices flowing...wow, bad choice of words.

Let's talk about YOU. You are the owner and head nerd of your fantasy team, and you have to decide what the fuck you're doing as you head into your league’s draft, so you can out-nerd the other 9 or so nerds and then rub it in their faces later. Here are some questions you need to answer; I don’t want to do all your homework for you…; do you know what would happen if I turned in MY homework…in YOUR handwriting? I’d get kicked out of school! You don’t want that to happen, do ya? DO YA McFLY?!?!

You probably have dealt with some or all of these issues in your own quest for nerd conquering, but these have been some of my thoughts as I prepare for another autumn of sports porn. Just remember, if we have differing opinions on some issue, you probably fucked up somewhere.

1. THERE ARE THREE NUMBER ONE PICKS IN THIS DRAFT.

SHAUN ALEXANDER and THE FORMERLY-DIAPERED LARRY JOHNSON will go 1-2 in nearly every draft this year. Johnson’s 2nd-half numbers last season were fucking untouchable. Even If you put a gun to my head, I would take Alexander No. 1, and I might even take LaDANIAN TOMLINSON No. 2, just because those guys are perennial producers. I know I’m in the minority here, but I don't see how Johnson keeps last year's pace up for a full season.

But they all have caveats: Alexander lost his best O-Lineman last year, LT’s offense will be breaking in a new QB, so they’ll be on the “face” end of the teabagging for more games than not, which will hurt his carries. Johnson has a new coach in THE CHARISMATIC HERMAN EDWARDS, who may start fucking with his golden goose. Whatever happens, you’re in great shape if you’re picking 1-3, which is good, since you'll be sitting with your dick in your hand til the end of the second round.

2. Make a decision about REGGIE BUSH and stick to it.

Bush is another guy I'm not hot on; I prefer guys that have produced in the past. Still, some estimates have Reggie producing as much as 1,100 yards and 9 TDs. I have never bought into the hype with Bush, even in his days at USC. With his wide-receiver frame, I believe he will buckle under any significant workload out of the backfield, and his versatility doesn't balance that out for me.

And this is not the Pac-10. I don’t see Oregon or Fresno State on the Saints’ schedule this year. But I do see Atlanta, Tampa Bay, and Carolina twice, plus Baltimore AND a game at Pittsburgh. Now throw in the fact that he’ll be splitting at least some time with “The Deuce,” and he MIGHT make you a good No. 2.

Nevertheless, some asshole in your league will take him in the third round. Reggie was gone by pick No. 40 in most mock drafts, and had even gone as high as No. 12 in some. He was typically gone before McAllister. Sure, he could have a Pro Bowl year. Or he could be Ki-Jana Carter. Make your own decision.

3. Pass on the passers, at least in the earliest rounds.

Unlike the running backs, there are no clear-cut studs this year. PEYTON is still your No. 1, but won’t warrant a high draft pick like he has in years past. There’s a lot of parity in the Top Ten this year, so instead of blowing your wad to grab an elite QB, wait for MCNABB, ELI, DELHOMME, TRENT GREEN, and even DREW BLEDSOE, they’ll be cheaper. A lot of injuries have fucked up the landscape here, so don't waste a high pick on anyone other than the elder Manning.

I like Eli Manning. I think he will come at a good price, and Delhomme will be tits this season. Leftwich is a big question mark, after finishing strong and then watching his best receiver retire in the offseason. Brady’s fantasy numbers were much improved in ’05, but no one seems to be mentioning the inevitable decline that a healthy Pats defense is bound to bring him in ’06.

4. If you have no life, game-by-game stats can be useful.

If I’m on the fence between a couple players while putting my pre-draft board together, I might look and see how those guys do in their respective divisions. Whoever is more consistent there usually gets my pick. They also are useful when looking at matchups in midseason, especially for defenses. If I’m up against a bye week and I need to grab somebody, I might see how that person did against their upcoming opponent if his team played them last year. I need to get out more. But GbG stats are a good secondary resource, at least for me.

5. I've played FF for a few years now. Now that I have the hang of it, I want to play in as many leagues as I can.

I know Will Leitch cuts himself off at three leagues per season. Conversely, I have decided to go batshit and get in ten leagues this fall. I already am in public leagues on Yahoo! and SportsLine, plus the Fantasy Football League of Extraordinary Deadspin Posters (FFLXDSP). I’m starting a keeper league with some friends in Ohio and SC, plus a non-keeper league with a lot of that group, a public auction league, public leagues on ESPN, NFL, and TSN, just to see if any of those are better than Yahoo! I may also join a league on EA Sports, but it’s $10 or something like that. And maybe I’ll start a league with the homeless guys at the bus station, they might have some free time.

My feeling is that once I’ve put together my draft board, the hard part is over.
What difference does it make after that whether I do one draft, or 12? I don’t want to be checking 12 different waiver wires this season, but 10…well, that’s less than 12. The draft is the best part, and I will do as many drafts as I can. But only the leagues with my friends will be for money, though I am sure to whip copious amounts of ass, be it a pay league or otherwise.

6. Defenses are like assholes, everybody needs one. But no one needs two.

Again, this category is deeper than Mandisa’s esophagus, and double that with the fact that most owners will only draft one defense. Someone will try to snag a defense a couple rounds early to get the top team. Don’t bother. There’s enough parity that you could be stuck with the 10th-best defense in your league and still be in great shape with the talent you got from the picks you didn’t blow. Some fantasy experts recommend not taking a defense or kicker until the last two rounds of your draft. If/when there's an early rush for Defensive Teams, I’ll be taking chances on potential sleepers (I’ll post my list in the coming weeks), or promising rookies for my keeper league, taking chances that may reap big gains in the future. The future, Conan?

So how's your strategy coming? Don't have one yet? If I were you I’d do something about it. I would REDEEM MYSELF in the eyes of my father, my maker, and my coach!

LET'S GET THOSE NERDS!

“Football Is Nuclear Retardation Disease”

It’s July, and that means the opening of training camp is near! Unless you’re Joe Theismann and lack the basic mental ability to process information anyway, you’re gonna need a refresher course in your X’s and O’s! And who better to reacquaint you with the game we all know and love better than intrepid Kazakhstani reporter, Ali G alter ego, and rape enthusiast Borat?

If you are unfamiliar with Borat’s work or the Ali G show DVD’s, then heed these words of Will Ferrell as James Lipton: “Go right now to a place where videotapes or film are sold or rented, and buy it… or rent it… and watch it. It is delightful.” And if you don’t happen to find Borat funny, well then good luck on your Bar exam, you humorless lawyer fuck. (Apologies to Falco.)

This extra from the DVD of the second season of “Da Ali G Show” finds Borat in the lunatic stronghold that is the state of Texas, learning the art of catching the ball from a high school coach who is roughly 4’3”. And if you don’t think the Seahawks immediately tried to sign Borat after viewing this tape, well then you don’t know the Seahawks. Note to Mike Holmgren: Borat will not catch pass thrown by dirty Jew. But he will tackle Jew by his horns. Chenqui!



(Note: Speaking of Theismann, I was listening to Norman Einstein being interviewed on The Sports Reporters radio show down here in DC the other day. The host, Steve Czaban, who is normally halfway decent, asked Joe this question about Tony Kornheiser: “If Tony messes up in the booth, will you call him on it?” He asked this question with a straight face. It’s very rare that my irony detector hits DefCon 1. But that’s talk radio for you. It's gonna be a long season.)

'Cause You Had a Bad Day

As some of you may have heard, this past weekend was a rough one for Ravens linebacker Roderick Green, who was stabbed outside a bowling alley in Maryland early Sunday morning. No suspects yet, although police believe the whole thing started when Green bumped into someone and then that person attacked him. Unfortunately, this was just the last of a series of things that went wrong for Green and several of his teammates during the team's bowling night:

9:30 p.m.- Tony Siragusa shows up uninvited and insists on roaming up and down the sides of the lanes, commenting on the action.

9:45 p.m.- Brian Billick procaims himself a "bowling genius", then proceeds to roll a smooth 97.

10:30 p.m. - Snack counter runs out of Mr.Pibb

11:00 p.m. - Jamal Lewis gets into an argument with the owner after he instinctively tries to trade three packs of cigarettes for use of the pay phone (still doesn't trust cell phones).

11:30 p.m.- Steve McNair tears an ACL and ruptures his spleen while trying to pick up a 7-10 split. McNair removes his own spleen with a spork, fixes his ACL with some duct tape, and finishes his game with a 225.

12:00 a.m. - McNair, still a bit sore, returns from the parking lot and finds that the alley has locked him out.

12:15 a.m. - Somebody stabs Roderick Green. (Note: there is absolutley no evidence that Ray Lewis was anywhere near Green or the bowling alley when this happened. None whatsoever. He had nothing to do with it. Ray Lewis has pictures of his mother all over his house. Didn't you ever see that episode of Cribs? The man wouldn't hurt a fly.)

1:00 a.m. -Nihilists pee on Green's carpet, which is a shame, because it really tied the room together.

UM: Sources tell KSK that Green was earlier seen "fucking with the Jesus"

Obese Punter Terrorizes Denver

Steroids. DUI. Add drug suspension to the list. All from a punter?

Is anyone surprised that Todd Sauerbrun failed a drug test? It almost makes one long for "the good ol' days" when all the Ps and Ks were World Cup refugees and none of them spoke English. He already had a DUI and had been linked to steroids. Awesome! If he commits a sexual assault before he retires, he's a lock for Canton.

The surprise (I guess) is that the test was positive for Ephedra, the drug Korey Stringer was taking in 2001 to lose weight. How'd that turn out? Well, he died, so I'd go with "not so well."

So the No Fat League can suspend a player on the first test if it shows up. Sauerbrun is appealing the suspension, so everyone's taking their shots now, in case it doesn't stick. Consider this recent bit from legendary, hall-of-fame comedian extraodinaire, Bruce Bruce:

"Todd Sauerbrun's so fat the Broncos jog around him for conditioning. Todd Sauerbrun's so fat he once laid on the beach and Greenpeace tried to push him back in the ocean. Todd Sauerbrun's so fat he put on some BVD's and by the time they reached his waist they spelled out 'Boulevard.' Todd Sauerbrun's so fat when he tripped over the 50-yard line he landed in the end zone. He's so fat he once fell in love and broke it!"

Does it really matter if you have a fat punter? As long as his foot doesn't swell out of his black shoe, fuck it. Where's the problem? Is he bullying Jason Elam out of his per diem money? Was Shanahan buying him cocktail dresses that didn't fit? Is Ron Dayne complaining about pasty-white love handles in the shower?

Some reports say the Broncoss are considering cutting him. Bullshit. He's been in the league 11 years. He hits it for 44 yards a pop. He was a Player of the Week last season (seriously). He's popular with his team. Did we mention the steroids and the DUI conviction?

Sources close to KSK reveal that Sauerbrun is now trying other, more traditional weight-loss methods, including:

Bulemia

Anorexia

Cocaine. Let's hope this gets under control before anything drastic happens.

Fandom Boiling Over

For fans of the Redskins this off-season is moving at the same pace as Dexter Manley reading Ulysses. The Redskins were rudely ejected from last year's NFC playoffs by the Seahawks despite knocking MVP Shaun Alexander out of the lineup.

Writers and pundits quickly attributed the loss to a number of factors (apparently the Skins were lacking a "wide receiver") but none of this did anything to appease the long-suffering fan base. However, they were able to find a catharsis. Here you can see how a few real Redskins fans get over a season-ending loss. Keep in mind, this video features heavy alcohol use and even heavier use of the word "Fuck". Get some headphones if you are in any sort of public area.

Fortunately for these young orators the Redskins have addressed their most pressing needs and appear ready to challenge for the NFC crown...now if only they'd hurry the fuck up before that kid has an embolism.

Better Know A Team: Chicago Bears

Five Fast Facts about the Bears:

-Due to their senior status in the NFL, the league allows the Bears one inexplicable 11+ win season every four years before going back to being fucking terrible.
-Coach Lovie Smith and Kentucky men's head basketball coach Tubby Smith share a great grandmother named Shamalamadingdong Smith, who gave all 138 of her direct descendants ludicrous nicknames like Lovie, Tubby, Poopy, Bleedy, and Stick.
-3rd string QB Kyle Orton is the only man ever to have a Michelob Ultra and mildly enjoy it.
-Center Olin Kreutz is better known as the second half of a "Wheel of Fortune" before-and-after puzzle with "Alias" star and exotic temptress Lena Olin.
-The Bears use a Cover-2 defense. Unless they're playing against Steve Smith, in which case they employ a Cover-0.

(It should be noted here that Steve Smith doing the Super Mario on the Bears' goalpost during the playoff game last year was the single coolest fucking thing I've ever seen in an NFL game. Too bad he did with 2:07 left on the clock. Doing it with 2:06 left would have gotten him six extra fireworks.)

10 Yards of Awkwardness with: Brian Griese


As part of our 2006 preview, I'll be sitting down and chatting with a player from each team. For the Bears, it's 2nd string QB and failed Elway heir Brian Griese.

Big Daddy Drew: Brian, thanks for taking the time to sit down with me.
Brian Griese: No problem.

Drew: My buddy banged your ex-girlfriend. Were you aware of that?
Griese: No.

Drew: Apparently, she was a cheerleader at Florida State. My friend said that, for a Jewish guy like him, nailing an FSU cheerleader was a triumph on par with Arafat's death. Would you agree with that statement?
Griese: No.

Drew: The Bears had an outstanding regular season last year but lost their first playoff game to Carolina. How much blame do you personally take for that loss?
Griese: I played in Tampa last year.

Drew: So you acknowledge that you weren't there for your team?
Griese: They weren't my team.

Drew: I see this is a touchy subject, so I'll move on. You played with Chris Simms. Is it true that when Chris Simms was a child, he made his dad hire a black man to be his toy for a week?
Griese: No.

Drew: They made a movie of it, you know. Starring Richard Pryor. Remember that?
Griese: That wasn't Chris.

Drew: Brian Urlacher, your new teammate, dated Paris Hilton. You've seen Brian's penis in the shower. Just how ravaged is it?
Griese: I have not seen Brian's penis.

Drew: I mean, is half of it gone? Are there lesions of any kind?
Griese: I have not seen his penis.

Drew: Fans around Chicago were ecstatic when Rex Grossman finally returned from injury late last year. Do you hope Kyle Orton somehow starts a lot of games next year so that expectations plummet and people will go wild for a similarly average QB such as yourself?
Griese: I'm here to back up Rex and be ready to play at any moment.

Drew: The Bears are nicknamed the "Monsters of the Midway". Does that mean this team is at its best during halftime?
Griese: I don't think so.

Drew: The Bears signed CB Ricky Manning in the offseason. Do you own a computer?
Griese: Yes.

Drew: Okay, well look out for that. Ricky don't like dem folks what have fancy gadgets and what not.
Griese: Okay.

Drew: Your father, Bob Griese, played for '72 Dolphins, who went undefeated. You played for the '97 Michigan team that went undefeated. What's it like to be one of those insufferable pricks who has everything go their way?
Griese: It's all right, I guess.

Drew: Dick Jauron: worst coach, or worstest coach?
Griese: I never played for Dick.

Drew: But you did play for Jon Gruden. Were you aware that Jon Gruden gets up at, like, 3AM every day? Doesn't that make him a better coach than Bill Belichick, who gets up at 3:12AM like a little pussy?
Griese: I guess.

Drew: Thomas Jones plays for your team. Are you aware that Thomas Jones has repeatedly fucked me sideways in fantasy football year after year after year?
Griese: No.

Drew: Well, he did. He's a fucker. The next Priest Holmes, my ass.
Griese: I think Tom is great.

Drew: You lost cornerback Jerry Azumah in the offseason. When you lose a player that mediocre, how does the team adjust?
Griese: Uh...

Drew: That's perfect. You're a mildly attractive man and I'm fairly drunk. May I kiss you?
Griese: No.

Drew: You have a very kissable mouth, and a strong chin. I like men with a strong chin.
Griese: Stay away from me.

Drew: Brian, thanks a lot for putting down the clipboard and talking to us today.
Griese: You're welcome.

NOTE: In response to Son of Brasky's comment: I'll be previewing the entire NFC North, plus the Giants and Eagles. And yes, the Vikings are my favorite team. But they are, just as often, my least favorite team as well. So expect no Simmons-on-Schilling fellatio of any kind.

Waving Goodbye for the Weekend

We understand how hard it is for the readers of Kissing Suzy Kolber to go an entire weekend without little morsels of NFL-related humor. So we've decided that our final act every Friday afternoon will be to post a photo of an NFL cheerleader (or cheerleaders). We think it's a nice little way to say, "See you Monday."

But before we get to Friday's girls, please appreciate how hard it is to select a single photo. Assuming there are approximately 30 cheerleaders per NFL squad, that's about 900 women I would consent to have sex with right there. Figure in some turnover every year and we're into the thousands. Then realize that these women get photographed in skimpy clothes all the time, and suddenly I'm forced to sift through tens of thousands of cheerleader pictures.

Sounds great, right? Try doing it at an office job, with a co-worker sitting in easy sight range of your monitor. Anyway, I tried to limit the search by only looking at girls whose names end in "i" or "a" but that didn't cut the results down at all.

So, for the initial installment, I felt it only appropriate to go with the Cowboys cheerleaders (who, by the way, don't even feature a gallery section on their official website -- WTF?). Now, I take serious offense to the Cowboys being called America's Team, but it's hard to argue that the Cowgirls aren't America's Cheerleaders. Like, any squad can give us hot pants and huge valleys of cleavage, but tassels and white cowboy boots? Lightning in a bottle, my friends.


Photo: Darren Carroll/SI

(Oh, and if anybody makes the claim that cheerleaders aren't funny and thus don't belong on KSK, watch out. That kind of thinking is downright un-American. Trust me on this one. I mean, you try to come off as "sensitive" and impress some girls by saying that today's cheerleading outfits are too revealing, and next thing you know Navy SEALs snatch you up and send you to Gitmo. I mean, sheesh, did you have to be so thorough with the cavity search? Can you take this burlap bag off my head? And couldn't this have waited until after the playoffs?)

Update: As some intrepid commenters have noted, Gregg Easterbrook, who writes an allegedly popular NFL column called Tuesday Morning Quarterback, regularly includes photos of cheerleaders in his columns. For the record, when the KSK staff discussed the inclusion of this feature, none of us thought of Easterbrook's habit. But hey, excellent detective work, TMQ readers. Men like cheerleaders. Now you can go back to your groundbreaking work on particle physics.

2006 Preview: Houston Texans

Welcome to another installment of our 32-part series, Better Know a Football Team.

Houston, We Have A Football Team?

The thing about genital warts is that they never really go away – you can go 6 months without a single appearance of one of “Satan’s hickeys,” and then, just when you think you’ve got everything under control . . . BAM! They’re back, and you’re stuck staying inside in front of your TV waiting for things to clear up, wondering why you even went to Thailand in the first place. And really, isn’t that the rub when it comes to genital warts? At least with other humiliating social diseases you know where you stand – you’re either sick or you’re not. None of this on again, off again malarkey.

In a lot of ways, the Houston Texans are very much the genital warts of the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE. By all accounts you expect them to be a really bad team – the Tampa Bay Buccaneers of this generation. And to their credit, they have certainly had moments that fit that bill (after all, when they lost to San Francisco last season, did anyone even accuse them of taking a dive to get the draft pick? I think by then the occurrence of a Houston loss was way past the point of raising eyebrows). But then you look at the Texans’ record during the last 4 years --4-12, 5-11, 7-9, 2-14, and you get the sense that, kind of like genital warts, they’re not just going to go away that easily. Instead of just sucking to the point where even Jay Leno is piling on, they do things like win two consecutive season openers, against Dallas and Miami, and actually get folks thinking that they may only be a few players away from solid mediocrity.

Now, I wish that I could deliver a long, statistic-laden analysis of the Texans for you. And it would be great if I could run down the roster and have some opinions on the players. But I can’t. To be perfectly honest if there are athletes in Houston and they’re not named Yao or Roger, I’m probably not the guy who’s going to have the answers. I could have done some research on this, I suppose, but quite frankly as I write it is July 3rd and I had to work today and “research” of any type just isn’t going to happen. Not unless it involves the bottoms of many, many beer bottles. And besides, shouldn’t the analysis be left for, you know, the teams that are going to contend for something this season? If a mechanic is looking under the hood of a Hyundai, he’s not going to use the same tools as he would with a Ferrari. So with that in mind, here are some nuggets about the 2006 Texans:

Some little known facts about the Texans:

1 – The Houston Texans are, in fact, a professional football team.
2 – The Texans have never appeared on Monday Night Football
3 - In 2003, the Texans decided to save on expenses like salaries by playing without an offensive line.
4 – Sadly, the real David Carr died in 2004 after he was sacked for the 358th time that season. Since then, the Texans have just kept replacing him with look a-likes, like they did with Lassie. These replacements QBs can always be identified by their “new Carr smell.”

Dates For Houston Fans To Look Forward To:

1 – September 10 - Week 1. At Philly. Continuing their streak of surprise opening day performances, this game is nothing short of a lock for Houston – I’m so confident in the outcome I’m not even going to watch the game. This probably has more to do with Philly, who seems to need to begin every season in complete crisis mode, than it does with Houston. But the fact remains you do not want Philly in week 1 in your suicide pools. Trust me on this one, kids – by the time this game is over Eagles fans will be rending their garments and Rush Limbaugh will be sitting somewhere in an OxyContin induced haze, and waiting for the little blue pills to kick in.

2. - Week 5 (Bye Week- and don’t think this won’t be a lot more enjoyable at 1-3 than if they were 0-4. Plus, pizza party at Kubiak’s place).

3 – October 15 – Dallas @ Houston. Texas football. If you can’t hold on to the lamp, you can’t hold on to the football.

(Captain Caveman: Don't forget April 28-29, 2007 - the NFL Draft. Ha!)

Most importantly, these are not your father’s Texans (nor are they your father’s genital warts) – remember that these guys are going to begin the 2006 campaign with the help of the #1 overall pick: a multi-talented running back who already has a career’s worth of highlight reel material and who many experts think could –

no, wait . . .

- A quarterback who happens to be a hometown hero and capped off a remarkable college career with one of the most impressive individual performances ever in a championship game

no, that's not it either . . .

- Mario Williams. Uh-oh, there’s that familiar itching sensation again . . .