WARNING: Smoking causes lung cancer, heart disease, emphysema and cartoon hilarity

Somebody put a stopwatch on this young upstart.
Snyder likes the cut of his jib.

I learned something today. Namely, that in 1958, NFL broadcasts were sponsored by Marlboro and America was an awesome place to be. Just watching this old commercial makes me want to drive a Packard, drink scotch and listen to be-bop on the Hi-Fi.

Pay special attention to the cartoon mascots of the era:

• The Redskins mascot: probably the most racist thing in the history of Western Civilization. If D.W. Griffith had been alive when this thing was made, he would have said "are you sure we can't tone this down a scoch?"
  


• The Packers proxy is a cleaver wielding maniac. How did Marlboro anticipate Jeffrey Dahmer's reign of terror in Wisconsin?


• True story: the Cleveland Browns mascot is played by a young Dennis Kucinich.


• As this commercial was made during the twentieth century, there is no reference to a Boston pro football franchise.
  

Words to live by: "the better the makins, the better the smoke." Who knew the Maj was cribbing wisdom from Chris Schenkel?

From the desk of Roger Goodell...

So, Tommy Urbanski is hiding behind his old lady’s skirt, saying I owe him something because of what Pacman Jones’ yahoo friends did. Jesus-jumped-up-Christ-on-a-pogo stick. Look shithead, if you didn’t want to catch a few stray bullets, then your dumb ass shouldn’t have been in Las Vegas during NBA All-Star weekend. Would it be my fault if you decided to walk around Newark in a David Duke tshirt, y'bastard?

As if I didn’t have enough on my plate with Senator Assbag breathing down my neck. If I started shelling out cash to every dumb son-of-a-bitch who was in the wrong place at the wrong time when one of my players decided to violate the terms of their probation, this league would be broke faster than you could say Jack Robinson. Christ, Leonard Little and Ray Lewis alone would have set us back more than the gross national product of Peru.

But never let it be said I am not a merciful man. Solely in the interests of concluding this matter for one and for all, I made a few phone calls and have been able to put together a pretty frickin’ sweet compensation package. Just check out this spread:

• $50 Best Buy gift card


• Box of 19-0 apparel diverted from freighter to Nicaragua


• Obstructed view tickets to the Oakland Raider game of your choice


• 3 days, 2 night stay at the Port Au Prince Holiday Inn (off-season only, please)


• ‘Ironside’ DVD season two box set (Perry Mason in a frickin’ wheelchair; believe me, you’ll eat that shit up)


• Free popcorn shrimp from Popeye’s (additional purchase required)


• Link to those naked Lindsay Lohan pics (hope your junk still works)

Urbanski, you gimp fuck, if you don’t accept this, your ass ain’t getting so much as an apple and a roadmap from me. You hear that? Kiss my ass, you crippled polack.

O/T: Your Requisite KSK Daytona 500 Update

Yee-Haw! Good golly jee-willickers! Holy Moly! Dad gummit! D'yoo see that, maw! I gots me a new trofee for da shed out back! Man, I was going so gotdang fast, I was hotter than a pidgeon covered in molasses on a Tuesday morning! Whoo-wee!

I gonna git me some money now, buy Jim Bob Junior that second pair of blue jeans he's always wanted. An' me and my girl ken finally get hitched. We won't even be cousins anymore! This is so dang great! I'm the grand champeen of racin'!

What yew say? This only the firrst race o' the year? Sheeit.

Fictional Cheerleader Bio: Britney

This is Britney, cheerleader for the Bucs. Britney is the coolest cheerleader in the world. In fact, she wears nothing BUT her cheerleading uniform, even while buying groceries. She enjoys snorting cocaine and then riding around on a Waverunner. She will do tequila shots with you until 6AM, and then eat a 96 oz. ribeye for breakfast. She listens to The Sword. She likes football, but has the courtesy to watch it in a another room so you can watch it with your friends. Like 99.99% of the population, she can kick Simmons' ass in Scrabble.

She speaks 7 different languages and eats raw shellfish at least once a day. She likes firing guns. She likes men with back fat. She can shimmy up a palm tree in 7.8 seconds. She'll have fresh popovers ready for you in the morning, every morning. She fucking hates Ellen Pompeo. She can quote all of Kinison's best work, including, "Well, it wouldn't be like that if someone had a ladder and a pair of pliers!!!" She actually likes her female friends. She threw eggs at NOW protesters from her community college dorm room.

She's open to threesomes, and to guiding you through the process. Her father invented the cuckoo clock, and thus she is worth billions. Her Dad will take you golfing at Augusta any time you wish. She sleeps in the nude. She'll teach you how to surf. She likes cars that go really fucking fast. She smokes enough weed to make the Maj look like a goddamn 8th grader. She's got an oceanside condo with a pool bar and 12-burner gas grill. Her teeth and feet are fucking flawless. She follows her birth control pill schedule with military precision.

She majored in English at UVA. Her favorite book is Catch-22. She's smart as shit, but she's not quite as smart as you.

But she smokes. Dealbreaker?

KSK Mock Drafts: Who Would You Do

Today we're proud to re-introduce you to our own special version of the much ballyhooed mock-draft season. In the weeks leading up to the NFL draft you will be besieged by meaningless predictions as to how things will play out in April. Some will come from reputable experts who might actually provide a hint of useful information while most will come from biased pricks with bad haircuts. We here at KSK would never imagine forcing such needless analysis on our beloved readers, so instead we offer our own variety of the mock draft every Friday leading up to the big day.

The topic of this off-season's first mock draft is as deep as it is star-laden. The key terms here aren't Upside Potential or Length, instead we focus on attributes like Fuckability and...uh, Fuckability. So now without further ado, we present the KSK Mock Draft: Who Would You Do, the movie character edition!

The rules are simple, draft a character from a movie, once the movie has been picked it is off limits and once an actress has been picked all of her other roles are off limits. Additionally, the character or actress must have been over the age of 18 at the time the movie was released :(

No porn allowed, and remember, you're sleeping with the character (think one night only) and not the actress.

We drafted in the traditional serpentine fashion with the draft order as follows... Maj, Ufford, Flubby, Punter, Drew, and Ape (Drew would have gone last but he cried like a little girl separated from her mommy.

1. (UM) Nancy Callahan - Sin City

I'll get things started with a character played by the most beautiful woman alive. She's an innocent dancer with a heart of gold in a cruel and unforgiving world, and I'd like nothing more than to bang the shit out of her.


2. (Flub) Lacey Underall - Caddyshack

That's a quality pick right there, I was foolish to hope she'd last longer.



3. (Uff) Rollergirl - Boogie Nights

Ufford: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck it kills me not to take Scarlett.

The draft's first shocker!


4. (MMP) Linda Barrett - Fast Times at Ridgemont High

Ufford calls the pick "savvy" and I all it "classic." Then I start to think of Jimmy Kimmel and I get a little sick. Regardless, Judge Reinhold had the right idea and I like to think that he got a little piece of Phoebe Cates in between scenes.


5. (BDD) Nola Rice - Match Point

Drew: Easy pickins.

My draft board is in shambles and my pants are tightening by the minute.


We take a break here while waiting for Ape to show up. Apparently somebody forgot to tell Mr. Commuter that Adrian Fenty never promised to make the trains run on time.

Ufford: I have a Word Document and IMDb open. I forgot how consuming these drafts are.

Drew: It's hard to ignore Jesssica alba, but Carla gugino is Sin City is just about the hottest thing I've ever seen.

Me: If i wanted an old chick i'd pick Mrs. Robinson

Drew: We need about thirty rounds for this draft. I am trying to take a mental inventory of just how many times I masturbated to each of these characters.


6. (Ape) Catwoman - Catwoman

Ape: Okay, I'll take the Halle Catwoman, then, y'know, for the jokes.

Insert cat joke here ________.

Insert Ufford's righteous indignation at this lack of a joke here _______.


7. (Ape) Mikaela Banes - Transformers

Yep, that's one sexy bitch.





8. (Drew) 8. The Girl In The Ferrari - Vacation

Drew: "Are you gonna go for it?" Why, yes. I believe I will.

Christie Brinkley really got jobbed out of the Oscar on this one.


9. (MMP) Mary Ann Lomax - The Devils' Advocate

I like it when she starts turning into that other chick. It's like fucking two at once! I also like the idea of fucking an MRF.


10. (Flub) Girl Washing Car - Cool Hand Luke.

Flubby: "That's a Lucille, you mullet head! Any girl so innocent and built like that gotta be named Lucille." - Dragline

Everyone: Awesome pick.

And now for your viewing enjoyment, the video goodness!

11. (Uff) Selene - Underworld

Ufford: BAM!

Bam Bam: BAM BAM! BAM!

Emeril: BAM!


12. (Me) Charlie Nicholson - High Fidelity

Ufford: Charlie was a snooty bitch.

Me: Charlie was a snooty bitch who was HOT AS SHIT!



13. (Me) Hannah Green - Wonder Boys

Before Scientology got their alien tentacles all over her Katie Holmes was right up there on my overall list with Alba, Berry, and Kournikova (hallowed territory to be sure). She showed the tits in The Gift but I'm a huge fan of Wonder Boys and something about that red-boot wearing literati really gets to me.

14. (Uff) Kelly Lanier Van Ryan - Wild Things

Ufford: Dump champagne on her huge tits and have a threesome? Don't mind if I do.

Sure, if you're in to that sort of thing.

15. (MMP) Nadia - American Pie

You want me jerk you off?

And all this time I thought Punter didn't care for the foreigners.



16. (Flub) Cherry Darling - Planet Terror

Flubby: Because who hasn't always wanted to do a chick with a machine gun/rocket launcher leg?



17. (Drew) Tracey - Bachelor Party

Drew: I had this movie on my VCR and wore out hte tape rewinding and jerking to this scene. sometimes I couldn't finish in time, so I had to rewind with my dick in my hand. NSFW picture can be found here.


18. (Ape) Bai Ling - 2046

Saucy. Exotic. Scary?




AND THERE YOU HAVE IT!

There are way too many honorable mentions to list them all here and frankly, we could have gone all night long. So feel free to add in your own picks in the comments.

Oh fuck it, here's one (NSFW!) honorable mention...

KSK Off Topic: The Bleu Cheese Story

A couple weeks ago, I noted in a Jamboroo that I didn’t abide by bleu cheese dressing with buffalo wings. I was then sternly taken to task by members of the pro-bleu cheese community, which, like the cheese itself, is surprisingly robust. But I didn’t take the time to explain WHY I was so strongly against bleu cheese. Some people obviously like it, and some do not. But I am different. I have a history with bleu cheese.

You see, when I was a child, I adored bleu cheese. Loved it. Stilton, gorgonzola, saga bleu, you name it, I happily devoured it. Some girl said to me once, “You know it’s blue because it’s moldy, right?” And I said, “Really? That’s fucking cool!” I enjoy bleu cheese in all its delicious forms: on a cracker, on a steak, on a salad, on a GoBot. No matter the occasion, it was all good to me.

Until one day in college.

Upon returning home for Christmas vacation one year, my brother, his girlfriend, my sister and I all hit the mall one day to do some Christmas shopping. In the middle of the day, we went to go get lunch. We chose Pizzeria Uno.

Let me state this plainly: NEVER EAT AT FUCKING PIZZERIA UNO.

We ordered two pizzas. One was a veggie deep dish. The other was a sausage deep dish. Guess which one I ate. My brother and I split the sausage pie and then went about our business.

Then we got home. And that’s when the trouble started. Later in the afternoon, I noticed a distinct rumble in my stomach. As I do when trying to solve any problem, I laid down to see if it would simply go away. It did not. Soon it felt as if my stomach were being used as a set of bagpipes. My brother looked at me.

“Drew, you don’t look so hot.”

“Uh, maybe I should have something to eat.”

It was Christmas. I really didn’t want to be sick and miss out on all the food. So I tried eating. Bad move. By dusk, the retching began. As you know, I am a hugely talented projectile vomiter. It’s not unlike a dam breaking. My jaw unhinges and the maximum volume of vomit physically possible exits my body at an astonishing speed. My brother came into the bathroom to check on me. Oops. Suddenly, he wasn’t feeling so hot. We began taking turns having a Roman Holiday in the toilet.

All my life, vomiting always tended to make things better. But this was hardcore food poisoning, and it didn’t stop. Through the night, my brother and I traded dry heaves until my mother decided she could take no more and took us to an ER.

The ER made everything worse. I had to lay on the floor just to keep from doubling over, but the fluorescent light made me dizzy as shit. Next to us was a very old woman who also could not stop vomiting. Only when she did it, my brother and I found it HILARIOUS. It sounded like she was on a carnival ride she didn’t enjoy.

“OOOOO WAHHHHHH!!!! WOOOOO!!!! HO HO WHOOOOOOOAAAAA!!!!”

They shot us with some sort of anti-nausea medicine. It failed. Finally, doctors brought out suppositories.

“You two can’t keep anything down. We’ll have to go the other way.”

It was shaped like a little chalky missile. Fun! Not caring, I quickly jammed it up my ass. They gave us two more to take through the night. My mom drove us home. We both felt a little better. We thought we had turned a corner.

We were dead wrong.

For Christmas, my mother had bought a very large wheel of bleu cheese that she kept cool by covering with a cheesecloth and putting out on the breezeway between the garage and the main part of the house. You couldn’t get in the house without going through it. My brother and I had completely forgotten about this. And when we hit the door exiting from the garage…

Have you ever been truly sick and miserable, and so tired you’re practically near whimpering, only to be kicked while you‘re down? Imagine going to a doctor, only instead of treating you, the doctor wipes your face with a pair of used running socks.

It was like that.

We all have our food traumas in life that put us off something for good. This was mine. I’ll never eat bleu cheese again unless it’s by accident. In fact, whenever I see it, I now think:

“OOOOO WAHHHHHH!!!! WOOOOO!!!! HO HO WHOOOOOOOAAAAA!!!!”

And whenever I see a Pizzeria Uno, I think of jamming a chalky missile up my ass. Life’s a bitch sometimes.

A Special KSK Valentine To… Patriot Fans

Well, Patriot fans, it’s been well over ten days since the Giants upset the Patriots, and I just thought I’d check in on you. How are you feeling? Are you okay? Is everything all right? I know how you Boston folks like to treat every loss as if it’s something that saddens the entire world as a whole. I know how you can’t possibly go on without someone offering you sympathy, as if you yourself were on the field for that loss. Surely that’s the reason for the downward turn in the US economy. Sports fans in Boston are unhappy! Oh, what a tragedy! Everything feels so dark and cold! Quick, someone play a Des’Ree CD to cheer them up!

I’m just kidding, of course. I do not wish you Patriot fans a Happy Valentine’s Day. Unless this is the day your girlfriend decides she’s had it with you and the 500 empty tins of Kodiak you keep leaving around her apartment. I don’t wish you a Happy Valentine’s Day at all. But I will wish you a happy “Eat A Fucking Bowl Of Dick” Day. Or a “Get Run Over By A Fucking Cement Mixer” Day. Or a “Get Your Klan Rally Petition Rejected By The Board Of Commerce” Day. Or a “YOU FUCKING LOST” Day. Or a “Why Don’t You Take A Job As A Commercial Fisherman And Fucking Drown 500 Miles Off The Coast Of Nova Scotia In A Fierce Nor’Easter?” Day.

I hope you choke on rose stems. You fucking losers.

And, while we’re here, let’s tear that Simmons mailbag apart.

One gigantic disclaimer before we get to the collection of post-Super Bowl e-mails: I would have included more Giants-related e-mails if I had received more coherent ones -- 99 percent were of the "Hahhhhhhhhaahahahahaa! You suck!" or "18-1!!!!!" variety.

Yes, because no one from New York is creative at all! Such an unimaginative town! What do they do there, sell insurance? It would have been far preferable if New England had won, and Patriot fans could have taunted the world with more florid taunts, such as, “FACK YOU, YOU FACKIN’ BRAWNX IMMIGRANTS! WHY DON’T YOU GO GET A FACKIN’ GREEN CAAAAAD!” Yes, if you root for a non-Boston team, you are nowhere near as gracious or poetic in winning. Maybe if you had been more fawning of the Patriots in victory, Simmons would have deigned to publish you.

Let’s play a game. How many emails did Shitbox have to comb through to get dogshit like this?

Of course, I have no pity for the Patriots, but I DO feel for their great fans.

I’m guessing 300. But wait! There’s douchier!

I really do feel for Pats fans after that loss -- I still think this year's Pats are easily the best team of the modern salary cap era. If you need proof of that, consider the fact that after Plaxico Burress made what became the game-winning touchdown, the single thought in the head of every Giants fan watching the game was "Oh God, Brady has 35 seconds and three timeouts." I'm not sure there has ever been a team that has caused more doubt in the minds of the opposing fans than these Patriots.

So true! Great teams don’t even need to close out games! The mere fact that other teams’ fans consider the possibility of them coming back to win is all the reason anyone needs! Why even play the end of the game WHEN FANS MAY HAVE DOUBTS ABOUT THE OUTCOME? Crazy!

Finally…

What are the odds that Asante Samuel's dropped INT at the end of the game will replace Buckner's bungle as the worst play in Boston history? That was devastating on a level far surpassing anything I've seen in all my years as a Boston sports fan. If he ever wears a Pats jersey again, it'll be too soon.

Allusion to ’86 Red Sox loss? Check.
Boston fan playing up his emotional devastation to invite your pity? Check.
Throwing longtime, outstanding player under the bus? Check.
Desire in me to choke this person with a hockey stick? Check.

Fuck your Valentine’s Day, Patriot fans. I hope you get the runs.

KSK's Valentine to ... Brady Quinn

Whhhhhhaaaa? You got something for mmmmeeeee? Nnnnnnoooo, you shouldn't've, YOU BIG SILLY.

Oooh, thank you, thank you, you big huge Mister Mansssssss. Now I forgive you for all that nasty talk you was giving me on New Year's Eve. You always knew I liked to be debased just a lil'.

That's right, put down that gushing bottle of EAS and come give me some sugar, cuddlefish.

And don't think I forgot YOUR gift.

Coach Cowher Better Have Some Goddamn Hot Water While His Girls Are Home For Break

Alright ladies, let's bring it in. Bring it in tight. I'm only gonna say this one time. We'd better have a good family break this week, so be prepared. This ain't no picnic. Well, Saturday at the park actually is a picnic, but the rest of it is not! I want clean rooms, clean children, and no burnt suppers. I can get any rookie in her to burn supper for one-tenth of what we're paying you.

I want a clean family this week. If you think we're gonna have a repeat of Christmas this week, the fucking lot of you are in for a rude goddamn awakening. Meagan, if you bring home any more baseball players, I'll sit you this entire week out in the guest room without a second thought. Clean family means soap, you fuckers. Better scrub that shit down good, you get 10 minutes and that's it. I'd better have some goddamn hot water this week or all of you will suffer. And I want PRODUCTIVE showers, too, not a Jerome Bettis shower where you dance in the water and shake hands with the soap. Get it done in there. I want hair, pits, arms, titties, legs, and don't forget the red zone downstairs, which had still better be dick-free. I'm looking at you, Meagan.

[Juts out chin]

We have a short week together, so you better have a system for what you're doing out there. Your mother has been working hard with the staff while you've been gone to get everything ready for this week, so get your craniums out of your anuses and pay attention! We have a lot to accomplish this week: the zoo, dinner at P. F. Changs with Hines, and then the big one with the Youngs on Saturday night. No fucking around this week, we have to get out there and execute!

[Cell phone rings]

This is Bill...Hello Mr. Snyder, good to hear from you again...Well, unless every news report in America is wrong, don't you already have a coach?...Sure, but shouldn't he at least coach one game before you buy his contract out?...Right, right. If I may, I'll be a bit more frank than I was three weeks ago: Suck my asshair through a straw, the answer's still no.

[Hangs up, punches hole through drywall]

That's right, I'm not neglecting my family again until I'm goddamn good and ready. Now get out there and let's have a good break this week. You're dismissed.

KSK's Valentine to... Suzy Kolber

Suzy, no one would blame you if you had a crummy Valentine's Day. You have to be feeling down in the dumps right now. Here you are with a shortie on the way and ESPN is kicking you unceremoniously to the curb. We think that is a total load of bull flop. You should hire that guy from Boston Legal and sue their asses good. He'll show them that you can't push Suzy around and get away with it.

But we don't want to cure your legal woes; we want to mend your broken heart. We can come over and fix you a nice dinner. (We have a kickass spaghetti recipe.) Fudgie the Whale for dessert. Then it's Backrub City and Grey's Anatomy!

People say we're crazy. They say Suzy hates the dick, and we're just wasting our time. Well Suzy, we're cool with your life-choices. In fact, if asked, we would be willing to pretend to be Jodie Foster or k.d. lang.

Happy Valentines Day Suzy, if you ever, EVER change your mind-- give us a call. We'll be waiting by the phone.