KSK Indoor Tailgate: Your 2006 NFL Bar Menu Guide

Never diagnose yourself with WebMD. The other day I had some pretty nasty heartburn. Usually I pop a few Tums and the shit goes away (A quick note: Tums are interesting in the fact that they taste worse every time that you have them. I remember the first time I had Tums, I thought to myself, "Hey, this shit is like candy! Fucking sweet!" Now it feels like I'm chewing pumice. And the whole Mixed Berry thing is bullshit. The purple one tastes exactly the same as the pink one, god dammit). But the heartburn persisted. WebMD's symptom finder asks you progressively more detailed questions about your current condition. It's designed to bring out the Richard Lewis in all of us.

"Are you having chest pains?"

Well, yeah. It's heartburn.

"Does it hurt when you breathe?"

Um, I didn't think about it bef... oh, yeah! Yeah, it kinda does! I think!

"Do you have slight pain towards the end of exhalation?"

Shit, yeah! You totally fucking got it!

"SEE YOUR HEALTH CARE PROVIDER IMMEDIATELY."

Oh, fuck. I'm dying. I can't have a fucking heart attack. Is my arm hurting? Shit. I think it might be. I'm 29! I'm in the prime of my life! There were so many more things I planned on drinking! What will happen to my FHM subscription? I still haven't watched "The Wire", and everyone says it is fabulous! Fuck fuck fuckitty fuck!

I left work early, went to the doctor, got an EKG, and got a stress test, which is when they strap electrodes to your chest (they dry shaved three spots in mine with a Lady Bic. My chest now makes the same expression Macaulay Culkin did in "Home Alone") and make you walk on a treadmill, to see if you'll drop dead from a heart attack or not. I passed.

The worst thing about the whole episode is that I was perfectly fine, yet my wife now treats me as if I have full-blown coronary heart disease. Are you using too much salt, Drew? Maybe you shouldn't drink so much beer, Drew. You don't need to have hors' douvres prior to breakfast, Drew. I wish I'd had the heart attack for posterity.

Which brings us to the NFL. If you don't have Sunday Ticket and you don't live in the same town as your favorite team, it's a good bet you'll be heading to the bar for Sunday's action. Sometimes, I've hit bars in DC and seen Redskin fans who came to the bar in their jerseys to watch the game ALONE. I'll never understand the point of this (cough*Redskinfansarelonelydouchebags*cough), but that's not what we're here to discuss. No, we're here to talk about the great American bar menu from which you'll be ordering.

The bar menu has evolved over the years to include a wide sampling of diverse cuisine, all designed to make you fatter than the average Jag Hag. It's an impressive list, to say the least. And today, I'll be grading each dish based upon such criteria as taste, texture, presentation, and the likelihood that I'm eating some sort of cow prostate. Let's go!


Buffalo Wings
The gold standard by which all bar menu items are judged. Yet, you'd be amazed at how many bars manage to fuck these up. It's not hard, people. You fry the wings in oil, then coat them with a sauce that's equal parts butter and Frank's Red Hot. Don't fucking batter the things. And don't fucking bake them. Just stick to the basics, or I'll have Chopper sic balls. I also don't get the bleu cheese dressing. And I really don't get the celery. Fuck off, Mr. Celery. You are not welcome here. GRADE: A


Potato Skins
You hollow out a potato, then fill it with cheese, bacon, and sour cream. Am I right? Wait, wait, what are you putting chopped scallions on top for? I didn't ask for any greenery here, you motherfucker. And why is this potato not fried? GRADE: C


Nachos
Nachos really share top billing with Buffalo wings. But you need fellow diners that are going to be sensitive about the chip-to-topping ratio. Ideally, you want each chip to have a little cheese, chicken, sour cream, jalapenos, guacamole and hot sauce. It never works out that way, because fucking Jim had to go and scoop up all the guacamole with one goddamn chip. What the fuck is wrong with you, Jim, you ungodly fat fuck?! And stop hitting on my sister! She's already said she's not interested!

Many restaurants also include chopped olives on nachos. I'd like to start a campaign against this. Olives are sweaty cherries. GRADE: A


Mozzarella Sticks
Seriously, when's the last time you had a mozzarella stick that wasn't soggy? These things are limper than TO's wrists. GRADE: D


Chicken Fingers
Do we have to call them fingers? Really? Was "strips" somehow not descriptive enough? Bonus points to you if you're at home watching the game and order yourself that staple of college cuisine, the chicken finger sub. I ate so many chicken finger subs in college, I didn't have a bowel movement until graduation. GRADE: B


Quesadillas
I enjoy saying the word quesadilla more than the food itself. That's the beauty of the Spanish double-L, or "elle" (pronounced AY-YAY). I think words in English could be improved with the Spanish double-L pronunciation. Would you like a lahyeepop? Look, an armahdeeyo! Perhaps we can defeat this floteeyah of battleships! Heath Meeyer of the Steeyers is on my fantasy team! GRADE: B


Pot Stickers
Sort of amazing that a staple of Asian dim sum would manage to become assimilated into the mainstream of modern American cuisine. Very sneaky, these Jap gyoza. Michelle Malkin would like to inter you and ask you a few questions. GRADE: A


Pizza
Nothing beats microwaved bar pizza. Except EVERYTHING. GRADE: D

Cheeseburger Egg Rolls
I didn't make this up. This is on the bar menu at Bennigan's. I'll have them describe it:

East meets West in this one-of-a-kind taste. Seasoned ground beef, American cheese, pickles, onions and mustard wrapped in a crispy flour tortilla. Served with a side of salsa cream sauce for dipping.

Okay, let's just take this one piece at a time. First of all, if you're eating this, you probably enjoyed a hearty breakfast of Jimmy Dean Pancakes 'N Sausage on a stick at home. I'm pretty sure the combined 8,000 calories you just ate balance out the three miles you walked barefoot to the bar in your overalls and no shirt. It bears pointing out once more: if you eat something like this, then you have fucking failed at life.

And what is salsa cream sauce? Is this some sort of Alfrancisco sauce formed in a lab? I'll pass. If I want a cheeseburger, I'll have a cheeseburger. I don't need it repurposed into an exotic Chinese food stuff with a side of Mexican tomato jizz. Guhhhhhh. GRADE: F- (but Peter King probably loved it on his training camp tour).

There's your bar menu tour. No doubt I've left off a few menu items. Enlighten me in the comments. And bon appetit, lardasses.

Oops Pow Surprise, Ohhhhhhhh!

Every season starts off the same way, some teams struggle, some excel, and some teams get fucked in the ass by injuries...These are their stories.

Jevon Kearse
Just when it looked like the Iggles were headed back to playoff glory their season veered off the road and crashed into the proverbial ditch. Philly may have the best defensive line depth in all of football, but when you lose your primary playmaker you’re pretty much fucked. The team’s greatest strength will now have to be reworked after the Freak’s knee was bent in a direction not in accordance with nature. TO immediately questioned Jevon’s leadership and work ethic. Philly fans showed their appreciation by booing the paramedics.

Erasmus James
It’s not a good week to be a speed rusher. The Vikings hot start has everybody in Minnesota thinking playoffs, except for Bryant McKinnie…he’s still thinking about ‘tang. While the national praise for the Brads continues to flow in from all the middle aged media types the real story is in the injury report. After losing this year’s first round pick Chad Greenway doctors will now have to find an extra cot in the recovery room for last year’s first rounder. Throw in the loss of Tank Williams and the Vikings IR list might finish the year with more talent than the active roster. After what they did to ruin my opening weekend I say they had it coming.

David Pollack
There’s nothing funny about a broken neck…although he did make me laugh in Husbands and Wives. Even though David went to Georgia I’ve always been a fan of the way he plays defense. We at KSK wish him a safe and speedy recovery; hopefully this won’t become a life-changing injury. You’d think karma would go after Chris Henry but nooooo.

Orlando Pace
A serious concussion is just about the only thing that can keep Pace out of the Pro Bowl. He’s spent more time in Hawaii than your average leper. The big guy’s had an amazing career and nobody wants to see him ruin his post-retirement life fighting to get the Rams to .500. It won’t surprise me a bit to see Pace in a uniform come Sunday, unfortunately nobody has the sense to sit the guy down for a week. As long as he passes some “psychological tests” he should be cleared for action. Why the hell didn’t they try that for Dimitrius Underwood and Maurice Clarett?

Terrell Owens
He’s obviously faking it.

Joey Porter Wants You To Laugh, Or He'll Murder You

After watching the "Lost Episodes" of Chappelle's Show, it's obvious now that Dave Chappelle quit his show because he had run out of ideas. Why else would Chappelle be making Howard Dean jokes two full years after everyone had grown tired of them? The Dave Chappelle I know would never be that lazy. He'd at least throw a slavery joke in there somewhere.

But if Chappelle says it, it's a catchphrase. Which is why "BYAHHHHH!!!" has become a D-List cousin of "I'm Rick James, bitch!" over the past few months. And now, Joey Porter of the Steelers has become an unofficial ambassador of it. To wit, his player introductions from last night's Steelers-Jags game:



I thought these player introductions were idiotic, but if players can emulate Joey's sterling example for the rest of the year, I'm more than willing to admit I was wrong. A couple notes here: Joey is rocking a suit for his intros, which is kind of sweet. Second, Joey is so intense during his intros that you really do get the impression that he will reach out of the screen and squeeze your neck until it crunches. Seriously, this man is intense. I'd hate to be the Miami Subs cashier that fucked up his order. I also liked the fact that a gentle black man (Mike Tirico) had to immediately explain why an angry black man (Porter) was screaming BYAHHHH during the intros. Don't be alarmed, White America. Joey Porter isn't going to kill you. Yet.

Apparently, We're Not The Only Ones That Want To Set Fire To Joe Buck And Not P155 On Him To Put It Out

Arguably the worst move by any football-related organization this past offseason involved FOX Network's play-by-play savant Joe Buck. Buck was tapped to host that network's pre-game studio show, a job that he has been fucking up big time for the past two weekends.

What is actually happening FOX is sending the pregame studio to Buck, following him to whatever game he's calling that day. So it wasn't bad enough that we had to listen to Buck call the entire game, now we have to listen to him for another hour beforehand?

Buck reminds me of Kent from Real Genius, which would be forgiveable if he wasn't such a pompous ass to boot. Anyway, some of the reviews are coming in, and they're not really favorable:

[FOX's pre-game show] has basically become an hour of Joe Buck struggling to prove he's a fun guy and the rest of the panel trying to drown out the crowd.

Chris Zelkovich, thestar.com (Toronto)

When pregame partner Jimmie Johnson said the Bengals’ Robert Geathers was pushed (discussing the Trent Green hit from Week 1; you know where I stand on this) Buck [gave] Johnson a dismissive wave of the hand and a “yeah, whatever.”

-Jay Dieffenbach, azcentral.com

Nobody would have blamed FOX if they had scraped the failed Joe Buck experience. It's not good. The problem is Buck himself. Not to say that Joe Buck has no personality, but his father's dead corpse has more charisma. The only thing saving FOX is that Shannon Sharpe is busy butchering the English language over on CBS.

-Adam Rank, AOL Fanhouse

[Joe Buck] raped all of my babies. I was just washing them off.

-Andrea Yates, from court transcripts

Being buried in popcorn would be too good for this asshole.

If mopery is exposing yourself to a blind person, then what the hell is Cotchery?

As long as the rather surprising Chad Pennington comeback rolls on, Jerricho Cotchery appears to be a solid fantasy football pick up-- particularly for those of us who are losing Terrell Owens for several weeks. In two games, Cotchery has 186 yards on 12 receptions and a touchdown. Plus we get a giddly little thrill from saying "Cotchery." Cotchery, Cotchery, Cotchery.

Joe Buck: "Aaron Brooks is really taking his time getting up off the turf."

Troy Aikman (wincing at replay): "I think Ed Reed gave him a shot straight to the Cotchery."

Jag Hags: These Colors Don't Run

Many a pundit has said that the key for the Jaggiewires this evening is to match the style of the (5xSBC) Steelers, and that was tacitly understood to mean that they should play with similar physicality often exhibited by the team, and not the singularly dribbling, polkatardedness of its fans. In that respect, at least, Jacksonville has done Pittsburgh one better, even throwing in some Florida flair.

From that coruscating beacon of journalism, First Coast News:

The Jacksonville Jaguars are gearing up for Monday Night Football. The Big Cats take on the defending Super Bowl Champions, the Pittsburgh Steelers tonight. The Steelers and their fans have the "Terrible Towels." The Jags have their teal! Jacksonville Mayor John Peyton has proclaimed Monday, September 18th, as All-Teal Day. He wants everyone to wear teal to work and school. At the game, he's hoping to see a sea of teal as Alltel Stadium becomes All-Teal Stadium...

The game starts at 8:30 p.m. But the fun will start much earlier. Many fans plan to tailgate and get pumped up for the big game.

Holy shit, tailgating? Fuck, we didn't think they'd have their football fandom down yet after 11 years, but hell, there you go. How many fans? Many? That's like, more than five, right? Oh right, that's lazy journalism jargon for "probably a lot but we can't check." How many Steelers fans will be in the crowd to ruin the teal motif? My guess is many. Say, how'd that teal thing work for Nick Saban last week? Oh no, don't bother checking. I'm sure you have some lost dog story you're leading with for 7 p.m. broadcast.

The Big Cats? This is the endearing name by which the Jacksonian Football Enthusiasts embrace their team? Dan Shanoff is crying all over his two word sentences. Crying. Jags.

And we've got some some Martian Macaca joining the festivities. Or should we say, the fes-TEAL-ities. Oh ho ho, make me mayor right now. No really. I'm more qualified than John Peyton. Know how I know? Because I wouldn't declare official days to be things that would fail as office morale tactics. How about that? So, seriously, make me mayor.

It's All Fun and Games 'Til Someone Goes to Prison

It's official: Mo Clarett is headed to the hoosegow. Seems unfair if you ask me. Nobody got hurt in the series of Clarett fiascos -- well, except for Clarett when he got tazed... and Mike Shanahan's pride when he realized that his system only works for backs who have some semblance of speed and power.

Three and a half years just for driving drunk and going apeshit on cops when you have assault rifles in your car. Bullshit, man. O.J. killed two people and it barely interrupted his golf schedule.

Well, stay strong, Mo. We're behind you. And we mean that seriously, not in an anal-rape-joke kind of way.

OVER-RA-TED!

LaVar Arrington is no longer the most overrated defensive player in the NFL. Congratulations LaVar, you've graduated. Instead LaVar has now assumed his roll as the worst starting linebacker in all of football.

(Just so you know I'm not saying all of this out of homerism I will freely admit that Andre Carter is the worst defensive end in the history of football)

The Giants' Intimidator

In his first two games with the Giants LaVar has collected five solo tackles...total. He wasn't run out of DC because of issues with the system or because his fucktard agent botched his contract. He's no longer in Washington because he is no longer an above average football player (just like Mark Brunell!). Thanks to the drawing power of all that is Manning I've had the opportunity to watch both of the Giants games this season. Nobody on the field has been quieter than LaVar, for a guy who's supposed to be an impact player that is a bad sign. The most noise he made last week was in the player introductions when he claimed to be a product of the “School of Hard Knocks”. Cry me a river you middle class ’roid raging bitch!

Of course LaVar is doing everything he can to make you think he doesn't suck balls. Every time I look up Carlos Emmons and/or Antonio Pierce is making a nice tackle. 1.5 seconds later LaVar will jump on top of the already vanquished foe and followed by a good deal of taunting and dry-humping. The former All Pro Meast has been reduced to a complete bitch. Next thing you know he'll have Chris Simms's face tattooed on his chest.

It’s only a matter of time before “double nickels” is outed as the complete fraud he’s become. And yes, I’m feeling a bit bitter this morning…wanna fight about it?

Inside Chris Simms's Head

Is this game still going on? How many interceptions do I have to throw before Coach pulls me? I'm just so tired of being abused. I don't want to get hit any more.

Fuck, what was that guy's name again? I need to be more careful. Did he even wear a condom? Oh man I hope he calls.

I've thrown six picks and zero touchdowns in two games -- well, one touchdown if you count the pick-six to Chris McAlister. I have led my team to three points in two games. Three points! What does it take to get fired around here? I feel like Matt Millen.

Maybe I need another tattoo. If I get a butterfly on my lower back, that's not gay, is it? Who doesn't like butterflies?

Going Going Back Back to Cali Cali

Here's everything you missed when you decided to rest your eyes after drinking a 12-pack before 4 pm (1 pm out west).

Frank Gore wants you to point at him.

St. Louis 13 - San Francisco 20
What a difference a year makes out by the Bay. Although they aren’t headed to the Super Bowl anytime soon, the Niners are clearly responding to Mike Nolan’s directives. His coaching style is becoming so popular publishers are in a bidding war for his manifesto, “My Struggle”. Around town they’re saying Smith, Gore, and Bryant are the hottest shit since Garcia, Garner, and Owens. Despite what the Sports Guy may be telling, you the Rams reek of 8-8.

Tennessee 7 - San Diego 40
San Diego is very good, Tennessee is very bad. Case in point, Kerry Collins went 2-10 for 12 yards before Jeff Fischer pulled the plug. Speaking of Fischer, why does he have a job? Meanwhile in Bizarro World... Philip Rivers played with such efficiency the crowd started waving German flags (young Jewish girls all over the city instinctively hid in their attics). LT did his thing while fantasy owners everywhere ask why they took Larry Johnson. On the other side of the ball Shawne Merriman was unable to live up to the hype he generated after winning last week’s innagural Meast of the Week Award. The silver lining here is that he didn’t put anybody in a coma.

Arizona 10 - Seattle 21
Seattle bounced back from last week’s embarrasing “victory” over the Lions. Darrell Jackson’s hamstring is back to normal and Shaun Alexander found his secret GPS that tells him how to get to the endzone. While all is well in the Pacific Northwest the Buzzsaw-loving Phoenicians learned that beating the Niners doesn’t put you in the playoffs.

Lawrence Tynes 6 - Jason Elam 9
Jake Plummer currently has fewer members in his fan club than Jake Roberts. If this were 15th century Rome Shanny would be putting arsenic in his coffee (those were the days my friend). Seriously, nothing happened in this game, I’m just trying to save you some time here.

New England 24 New Jersey 17
6.5 point spreads are the greatest invention in the history of mankind. Once again the Patriots were too much for Chad the Fucktard and his new set of ass cheeks, Nick Mangold (I cringe every time I see that guy). New England showed they might just know what they’re doing in the player personnel department. The Ex-Gator receiving duo of Reche Caldwell and rookie Chad Jackson filled in admirably for Captain America. Sadly, no Jets fans were trampled after their comeback effort fell short.

Update: Matt Millen just cut Roy and Mike Williams in order to sign Reidel Anthony, Ike Hilliard, and Jaquez Green. Next he fired his coaching staff and handed Steve Spurrier a stack of blank checks. He told KSK that he could “smell a National Championship”....I smell an effigy.

Future Update: Ford Motors files for bankruptcy.

Bonus Lowlight of the Week!

Check out the following quotation from CBS’s Randy Cross...

“This play is a wonderful example of a veteran football team an All Pro and a Pro Bowl-laden defense disrupting an offense that right now wasn’t really quite sure what it was supposed to do in this situation"

I left the room to take a piss, when I got back he was still working on that same sentence. He used to be a trial lawyer, then a court stenographer shot herself in head mid-sentence.