Wanna Start a Resolution?

Come next Tuesday, there comes the tedious ordeal that accompanies every New Year: buying a new fucking calendar. They're all fucking terrible. Puppies, ponds, bridges, hair metal bands, Mega Man villains -- I can't commit to any of them. It's the same reason I don't have any tattoos or girlfriends.

There's also that first awkward 15 days or so when everyone dates everything '07. I got out of a speeding ticket two years in January despite being clearly guilty of going 30 miles over the limit because the officer dated the ticket the previous year. Thank you, legal loopholes.

Oh yeah, and make resolutions for the new year, but that's always an insincere nod to tradition, right? Wrong-o, fuckface. Apparently a bunch of NFL figures have pledged to do great in '08 and here's how:


Bobby Petrino resolves to... aw, fuck it.
Brian Billick resolves to make the world more in accordance with his perfect design.
A.J. Smith resolves to hire Brian Billick.
Wes Welker resolves that he'll win over that Boston fanbase yet.
Joe Damato resolves to point out that the people mentioned in this post didn't actually make these resolutions, moron. It's not even 2008 yet.
Roger Goodell resolves to scrap the NFL Network in favor of 53 channels each dedicated to a different player on the Patriots.
Devin Hester resolves to petition the Competition Committee to establish as inbounds all areas within 2 miles of the playing field.
Brett Favre resolves to stop hinting at retirement, sometime around never.
Travis Henry resolves to stop procreating...right after this last bitch pops one out.
Bryant Gumbel resolves to watch more football with his boyfriend as a way of bonding.
Derek Anderson resolves to choke again only after signing his big contract in the off-season.
Bart Scott resolves to choke more people.
Emmitt Smith dissolves to start sneaking more dearly.
Jason Elam resolves not to get left behind.
Philip Rivers resolves to yell at fewer employees at the Apple Store, people on the street, old ladies, trick-or-treaters, dogs, Chargers fans and mailboxes.
Tony Romo resolves to do that thing with his lips. You know, when it gets stretched taut from one side to the other? What's that called? Oh yeah: mouth raped by Peter King.
Marty Schottenheimer resolves to win every game in 2008 for his new team. Wait, the playoffs would be in 2009? FUCK.
Willie Parker resolves to bounce back from injury, reverse field, run backward 10 yards then get back to the line of scrimmage for no gain.
Kyle Orton resolves to shave...time off his two-minute drill.
Sean Mahan resolves to block...all the spam from his Gmail account.
Roy Williams resolves to move to Europe, where tipping is unnecessary and the quarterbacks are refreshingly secular.