And Now, A Ninth Priceless Pep Talk From Peyton Manning!

Looking to spice things up in the bedroom? Try bagpiping. She'll never look at you the same way again.

And Now, An Eighth Priceless Pep Talk From Peyton Manning!

Thinking about planning a vacation? Here's my advice: go to Cambodia. There are NO laws in that place. I went there last summer. I machine gunned a dead cow. I purposely gave a hooker the clap, then wrote her a letter bragging about it. I snorted enough opium to kill Steve Coogan. And I killed an old farmer and buried him deep in the rice paddies. Then, I pissed on his grave.

Cambodia rocks.

And Now, A Seventh Priceless Pep Talk From Peyton Manning!

Trying to figure out how to finagle that poker night out with your buddies?

Jesus, you're a pussy.

And Now, A Sixth Priceless Pep Talk From Peyton Manning!

Thinking about sexually assaulting someone? I'd do it to the babysitter. Teenage girls are much easier to scare.

And Now, A Fifth Priceless Pep Talk From Peyton Manning!

Who the fuck ate all the Nature Valley bars from the craft services table?! I fucking marked those with a P because they were mine and NOT part of the general spread. I brought them myself. Where's the director?

I just pissed in the coffeepot. That should help wake you fuckers up.

And Now, A Fourth Priceless Pep Talk From Peyton Manning!

Thinking about getting into shape? I know a foolproof way to get into shape. It's called going to prison.

And Now, A Third Priceless Pep Talk From Peyton Manning!

Feeling inadequate because you drive a minivan? Well, you are. You're a pussywhipped dipshit, and the rest of your life will be unbearably mundane. I bet you'll have to slam a door on your cock just to liven things up.

You're a fucking douche.

And Now, A Second Priceless Pep Talk From Peyton Manning!

Can't figure out what to get for Christmas? I always a get hooker. No one returns a hooker. Unless they're queer.

And Now, Another Priceless Pep Talk From Peyton Manning!

Tired of figuring out what to have for dinner every night? Listen, get yourself a wife. And then, beat the fucking tar out of her. You’ll get fed.