fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way...

Did you hear Dwayne Jarrett is slow? Now, you may say to yourself, “Wait, I’ve watched Dwayne Jarrett for years at USC and always thought he’s fairly fleet of foot.” Not true. Actual, factual story: at the combine, Jarrett raced a pregnant woman and came in third. This is why we need the Mel Kiper Juniors of the world; to tell us what our own treacherous senses will not. Jarrett, meanwhile, might find out the technical name for slow receivers who aren’t particularly good at running routes—Montreal Alouettes.

“Shady” Grady Jackson is suing the Atlanta Falcons for improperly disclosing his medical history in attempt to depress his value in the free agent market. So, grossly overweight African-American males are predisposed to heart problems? Damn, thanks Dr. C. Everett Koop for that medical newsflash. It is readily apparent to anyone who has ever seen Jackson sweating gravy on the Georgia Dome sidelines that his fat ass is in trouble in the not too distant future.

In response to Big Daddy Drew’s “kill kill kill” series of posts, faithful reader Lucille sent us this image of some long-awaited revenge. Walruses, seals and otters have been waiting years for the sharks to get what they have coming. This is their snuffporn.

Let’s check the updated scoreboard-- Sharks: 541,285,951 Pinnipeds: 1

Lastly, some are using the occasion of the Ladies… takeover as a call to our erudite commenters to commence hostilities towards our temporary feminine occupiers. Far be it from me to tell any of our readers how they should use the KSK product, but, personally, I don’t have it in me to be a dick to them merely because they won a wager where the terms were decidedly slanted in their favor. (My pet theory on the ill-advised conditions of the bet: Punter loses his damnfool mind around internet cleavage.)

Often at baseball games, some lucky kid is picked to race the mascot around the base-path. Invariably the kid “wins” after the mascot becomes cocky or distracted or gets tripped by the third baseman. It would be heartless to boo this little kid even though it beyond dispute she won an athletic contest of dubious validity. Heckling the Ladies… is tantamount to heckling the little girl that won the Mascot Derby.

My advice for handling the Ladies: Pat them on the head. Tell them they are pretty and doing a swell job. Humor them as you would a “special” relative at a family gathering. Science tells us that most women lack the gene that tells them when someone is being condescending towards them.

UPDATE: KSK will have to soldier on without the wealth of comedic inspiration from Pacman Jones this season. The AP just reported that Jones has been suspended for the entire 2007 season. Without his NFL scrilla, how can Pac make it rain? Sadly, it appears that the hydrologic cycle may be irretrievably broken.

More Uses For The "Kill Kill Kill" Tag

If you're a fan of doing drugs (and who isn't?), I hope you're watching "Planet Earth" on the Discovery Channel. And I hope you've got some of your highest grade sticky icky with you when you do so. Discovery Channel and the BBC sent out a shitload of photographers with high-definition cameras around the world for months on end. These are powerful cameras that could focus on your genitals one pube at a time from a mile away. So did they use this incredible technology to go do something useful, like find bin Laden? Fuck no. They used it to get some killer animal snuff porn just for me.

In this clip, a great white shark shoots out of the water and swallows a seal whole. One bite. Arf! Arf! *CHOMP*. You're fucking dead, Seal. No more making babies with Heidi Klum for you. The Great White Shark: it's the Shawne Merriman of the depths. Be sure to check out the 1:30 mark, when the shark leaps clean out of the water in order to fuck the seal up. It's tremendous. Last night, they also showed a pack of wild dogs feasting on the carcass of an impala (that's an actual animal, not a Chevrolet). Was it a good night of killing in Big Daddy Drew's house? Fuck and yes.

You're well aware of the douchebags at PETA, the People For The Ethical Treatment Of Animals. You know who's not for the ethical treatment of animals? ANIMALS. They fucking want each other dead. And that's cool by me. Soon only I will remain, and then I'll be king of the world, free to watch all the animal death movies I please.

NOTE: This is a clip from the British version. The American version is narrated by Sigourney Weaver, who has yet to fulfill her destiny by playing a women's basketball coach on the silver screen.