KSK Service Announcement: Thursday Bukkake Will Rock Your Face Off

Officially and for the record, I want to thank the Ladies for being gracious winners. They've always been very kind to me, and I'm thankful that The Starter Wife used a G.I. Joe doll to represent me. It's also likely that they put a lot of effort into the posts they wrote for today's material, which is more than what KSK would have done for them. Kudos. You girls are some classy broads, and we are lazy assholes.

Now, with that necessary caveat out of the way:

Let's be honest, folks. Today was fucking terrible. I mean, absolutely the worst day this site has ever seen -- and I'm including the early days before Unsilent Majority had any comic timing. On a scale of one to ten, with one being the day that the Gawker guy ran Deadspin, and ten being any post by Big Daddy Drew, the Ladies -- who no longer get an ellipsis in their name; that's always really bothered me -- were a solid negative three. I've watched Merchant-Ivory films that held my attention better.

As recompense, tomorrow -- Thursday -- will be one of our rare but glorious bukkake days. Our only previous bukkake days were for the start of the 2006 season and the day that T.O. overdosed, so we obviously save them for momentous occasions.

In this case, the momentous occasion is pushing the Ladies' posts off of our front page. I had proposed deleting them altogether -- keeping them in the archives wasn't part of the deal, ha ha! -- but, like I said, the Titsticks were real classy-like about beating us, so those posts will live on with a mere editor's note warning people not to read them unless they're having trouble getting to sleep.

In addition, this week's mock draft -- the REAL mock draft -- will be written by an astonishingly talented and popular guest blogger who will become only the second person (after J.E. Skeets) to write a guest post for Kissing Suzy Kolber at our respectful invitation instead of, say, masculinity-baiting bets that force us into lose-lose situations.

Anyway, to cleanse the palate from today's foo-foofery, here's some eye candy:


Thanks for sticking with us through these rough waters. Check back frequently tomorrow, where we'll be posting like voting in Chicago.

Oh, and I almost forgot: this whole thing would be for naught if you didn't give a boost in traffic to the best female sports bloggers on the Internet.

Dear God, Hootie. What Have I Done?

You've probably heard by now that the fine broads over at Ladies... threw down the gauntlet last week and challenged us to a collaborative college basketball pool. As it's been said before, we're (cough) a football blog, and most of you realize that the ability to pee standing up has no value in this venture.

I don't think I've watched 40 minutes of college basketball this entire year. But I "know" some of the women over there from Deadspin (Andie, being a law student at Notre Dame, and Wanda, being a single mom, have both impressed me as fans and as people), so I was eager to get something together. Probably too eager.

The rules were negotiated. Our six brackets will go head-to-head against their six best. Whichever set of brackets tallies the most points will be declared the winner.

At stake is:

(1) a day's worth of posts from the winners on the losers' blog
(2) the KSK winner going admiral on TheStarterWife around the ice during the first intermission of a Capitals game at the Verizon center

One of those is true.

Some people wonder what KSK has to gain from this proposition. Oh, sure, our site gets more traffic than theirs does, but there's more to it than that. This is an opportunity to take the moral values of KSK to the streets, to spread the gospel of the Sex Cannon, bukkake, and mock pedophilia.

Despite getting hits in the five-figures every day, our message still isn't being received by those who need to hear it most. Still, some of us aare concerned that I've put our precious little blog in peril, that we've given up too much for a chance to gain too little. This might be the first time our hopes lie in the hands of Unsilent Majority, and that is fucking scary.

It's my fault. I got us into this. And I apologize.

I apologize to all of our readers, because if we lose, we really have no idea what kind of filth will make it up here. Rumors of posts celebrating Title IX, baby pictures, and ranking men based solely on their appearances are already floating through the series of tubes. Just disgusting. These women really have no shame.

Also, I apologize to the fine readers that the Ladies' blog already has. If any of you are reading this now, I want you to know how sorry I really am, because if we win this motherfucker, all of you will be scarred for life. You will only wish your worst fears were confirmed, because the pervert training wheels will be popped off faster than you can say Fatty Arbuckle. I look forward to the chance of having eight women hating us, suddenly and simultaneously.

The upside is there, but it happens to be mighty close to the downside in value. That's why it's a bet. But we intend to prevail, and when we do, you can be certain that we'll piss all over that blog, standing up.

The Science Of Objectifying Women

If I could just have all the guys listen up for a second.

Fellas, I'll be honest with you here. I feel like if I don't supply you with a picture that leaves you workin' the gerkin, I consider myself a failure. I realize that all of us are different. I realize that some of us out there are scoring regular ass, and that some of us are holding more sausage than a Meat Lovers' Pizza. And, some of us, the wily elite, are doing both.

I realize that for you awesomely sick fuckers out there in Groups 1 (or 3), this picture may make or break your weekend, as you certainly have no shot of being stimulated accordingly in the outside world.

Or so you may believe.

Fellas, I bring to you today a great innovation, an Equalizer, if you will, that could improve your chances of contact with a girl. I call it the Science of Objectifying Women. It was gonna go straight to paperback, but it's only about a page long, and so I present it here. Consider it your new scientific system for scoring sweet sensible snatch.

Observe The Woman. How you select the woman is up to you. Watch her walk around and stuff. Listen to her talk to her friends. Make note of her ass, tits, and boobs. Hide behind a large object if necessary, such as a tree, or lamp post if you are very skinny.

Describe The Woman To Your Friends. Review the mental details you have collected during your observation. One of your friends may know the woman already, and have additional insight to contribute. Be sure to mention the ass, tits, and boobs during your discussion. If you don't have any friends, store the information in a notebook or .txt file for easy retrieval.

Find The Woman And Introduce Yourself. If your introduction is successful, the woman will begin talking to you. You can remember what she says to you, but that's totally optional. You could also order her some Women's Wear from the KSK online apparel shop and bring it to her as a gift. This eases the progression to the next step.

Take Her Someplace For Sex. It doesn't have to be a bedroom. It doesn't even have to be a room. Cars, driveways, her roommate's closet, and behind swimming pools are great places for sex. The location should be kept secret until you are starting the Sexing process. She may complain at first. This is normal.

Interpret Data And Draw Conclusions That Serve As A Starting Point For Your Next Conquest. Some of your bullshit didn't go over so well there. Time to ditch those plays and come up with some fresh shit. At this point the woman may start visiting and/or telephoning you. If you have spent $200 or more on her before the Sexing, you are required to break it off in person. Otherwise, you don't even have to call her back. This is the Two Hundred Dollar Rule.

Publish Results. Use a manner of your choosing. Writing the data in a notebook works well, especially if it is small and black.

So that's it. Most of you were already having sex before you finished reading this. It's that awesome. And if that didn't work for you, well, we're still here for you:



See you next week.