The draft is finally here this week. Hey, nice job making us wait two months longer than is necessary, NFL! I really wanted to wait week after agonizing week until the draft finally showed up on what will inevitably be the nicest day of spring. Asses. This week, we’ll be asking notable celebrities from the world of TV, politics, and more to give us their thoughts on this year’s selection meeting. Next up: actor and model parent Alec Baldwin.
"Hey I wanna tell you draftees something okay, and I wanna leave a message for you right now because again its 10:30 here in New York on a Wednesday and once again I've made an ass of myself trying to see you assholes work out at a specific time. When the time comes for me to come see you little fuckers lift weights, or run on turf, or do vertical leaps, or eat as many blueberry pies as you can, I stop whatever I'm doing and I go and I grab my short shorts, clipboard, and stopwatch. And I come to the Notre Dame or Ohio State or whatever the fuck it is campus at eleven-o-clock in the morning and you and your pathetic Zionist Jew agent (who probably has no sympathy at all for the plight of the Palestinians) aren’t there and you don't even have your god damn phone turned on. How dare you insult me. I was nominated for an Oscar. You majored in kinesiology. Advantage: Me.
“I want you to know something okay, I'm tired of playing this game with you. Especially you, Alan Branch. Your leg is fucked and I know it. I'm leaving this message with you to tell you, you little shits have insulted me for the last time. You have insulted me, you don’t have the brains or the decency as a human being, I don't give a damn if you're 22-years-old, or 23-years-old, or 27-years-old if you went to Oklahoma State, or that you have the mental capacity of a small child like my useless daughter Ireland, or that Jim Tressel is a thoughtless pain in the ass, who doesn't care about what you do as far as I'm concerned, you have humiliated me for the last time with this workout, and when I come out there next week, I'm gonna fly out there for the day just to straighten you out on this issue.
“I'm gonna let you know just how disappointed in you I am and how angry I am with you that you've done this to me again. I have a mock draft that I show to everyone that is always at least 22% percent accurate, and you are fucking it up. You have made me feel like shit and you have made me feel like a fool over and over and over again, and this crap you pull on me with this god damn work out situation that you would never dream of doing to Ron Wolf and you do it to me constantly, and over and over again. Fuck you all. I’m not gonna record any more joke answering machine messages for you and your friends. Nor will I do my underrated DeNiro impression for you, nor will I recite any lines from “Glengarry Glen Ross” for you. Kiss my black ass.
“I am gonna get on a plane or I am gonna come out there for the day and I'm gonna straighten your ass out when I see you, do you understand me? I'm gonna really make sure you get it. I’m gonna slim down to my Jack Ryan/”Miami Blues” weight and grab your sorry ass by the lapels and paralyze you with my intense gaze. Then I'm gonna get on a plane and I'm gonna turn around and I'm gonna come home. Then I’m going to make a pasta salad. So you better be ready Saturday, the 28th, to meet with me so I'm gonna let you know just how I feel about what rude little pigs you really are. You are rude thoughtless little pigs, okay. Especially Jamarcus. He’s very piggy."
