Peyton Manning and Adam Viniateri Don't Want Me to Masturbate

If Indy loses two straight I'll give up masturbation for a month.
If Indy loses two straight I'll give up masturbation for a month.
If Indy loses two straight I'll give up masturbation for a month.
If Indy loses two straight I'll give up masturbation for a month.
If Indy loses two straight I'll give up masturbation for a month.
If Indy loses two straight I'll give up masturbation for a month.
Oh fuck.

You guys know that everything I write in Always Be Covering is a joke, right?

You couldn't really expect me to live up to that guarantee, could you?

Ah shit, this is going to be the hardest thing I've ever done.

The Maj Is Master of His DomainDay 1
Step 1: Eliminate the temptations

This morning I woke up determined to get the month off on the right foot, but Daniel Day Lewis said that was cheating. Fucking lefty. This might be even more difficult than I imagined. Thank god I'm not dating Marla the virgin (although I won't be seeing my girlfriend for a full week...so Saturday and Sunday at Deadspin might be a bit tense).

Although I'm just over 12 hours in to the longest month of my life noticeable changes are already beginning to emerge. For instance, the blindness that has afflicted me since puberty has finally ceased. I can see the light, and it burns! Best of all I can finally get rid of my anti-semitic guide dog, Peaches.

Ver are your papers? Show me your papers!*

I got em right here [grabs crotch, thrusts pelvis] bitch!

Oops, I think I almost cheated by accident.


So begins my thirtyone day odyssey. Of course none of this would be happening if the best kicker in the history of kicking pointed prolate spheroids hadn't missed the easiest field goal of all time. But it only came down to that because Peyton couldn't stop throwing it to the San Diego defense, and don't tell me things would be much different if MarHar and Dallas played. No, the only possible explanation for this perfect storm of chokeration is...ME!

It should be obvious to anyone paying attention that Viniateri and Manning are to members of a conspiratorial organization that's hell-bent on bringing down The Maj. Other members include Tom Brady, Bill Belichick, and of course, the Colonel (you can't have a Pentavirate without five members).

Or perhaps I truly am the world's greatest jinx...fortunately I have plenty of free time in the next thirty days to launch a full investigation. And of course, plenty of free time to keep you readers apprised of my progress.

I'm already feeling a bit backed up. If Jessica Alba appears naked on the internet in the next 30 days my testes will blow like the Hindenburg...and it'll be totally worth it!

and now, just because...



*credit to D.C. Benny