A Plea for Help from Inside Mel Kiper's Hair
Hello? Hello? Hello! Can anyone hear me? I’m trapped in a dark place. I’m not sure how I got here or where this is, and I’m very frightened. Is anyone there? Hello?
I’ve never been anywhere so dark. There is literally no light in here. I once spent a year in the heart of the Amazon as part of the Peace Corps. One night I had to travel to the next village to give medicine to an ailing child; the path was through triple canopy jungle and the night was rainy, yet I look back on that as a sunny day compared to this blackness into which I’ve plunged. God save me.
Hello? Anyone?
Hmmm... that’s a good metaphor – the jungle, that is. I’m surrounded on all sides by some kind of slick vine. It reeks of Brylcreem and petroleum in here, maybe a hint of lacquer. Good Lord, the scent is nauseating. To my dismay, the darkness has amplified my olfactory glands. Maybe I should sit down.
Hellllloooooooo!!!!!!!!!!! Somebody help me!!!
[vomiting, choking sounds]
Ugh, I shouldn’t have taken so much of this putrid air into my lungs. That was like the first pinch of Copenhagen I ever tried. I’ve got to take shallow breaths. Conserve energy. Hope for rescue.
No! I can get out of here! These vines must lead somewhere. I just need to climb one, get a better vantage point where my cries for help can be heard.
Dammit! That’s like a greased stripper pole! Slippery like a southern politician investigated for fraud. I’d have better luck in an illegal gambling hall run by pirates.
Heh. Pirates.
Shit! Focus, asshole. I have to climb this. There’s no way out of here but up. Christ, now I know how players on a Schottenheimer team feel in the playoffs. Okay. here I go.
[grunting]
Whoa, this vine is arcing back. Almost parallel to the ground. Other vines crowding in on me… Sweet mother Mary! The ceiling! I’ve found the ceiling! Hey! Hello! Can anyone—
Oh. Oh no. It’s harder than sheet rock. And yet sticky, kind of like… ugh. Feel faint… slipping…
[loud thud]
[labored breathing, then gurgling]
[silence]
