EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY – Tom Brady Knee Bounty Increased To $60, Plus Free Goodie Bag!

Well, well, well, NFL defenders. You had 9 nine weeks to fuck up Tom Brady’s knee and collect my bounty. But I see you were just too dignified and sportsmanlike to get the job done on the field. Well, that’s a fucking disgrace.

But I am nothing if not persistent. This week’s is the Patriots’ bye week, and it presents a perfect opportunity to kneecap this pretty bastard as he enjoys his leisure time. I happen to have come across a copy of Brady’s bye week itinerary. He’ll be in New York with that floozy of a Brazilian girlfriend of his all week. Tomorrow, they plan on window shopping in SoHo. What perfect opportunity for you to injure Mr. Wonderful and collect my money. IF YOU'VE GOT THE BALLS. Just picture it: one minute, our friend is delighting at the sweet treats in the window of Jacques Torres Chocolate Haven. The next minute, BOOM! A fucking Lincoln Navigator pins him right against the glass, rupturing vital arteries and teaching him an important lesson in humility. Do you have the steely determination to carry this out? I don’t like what you’ve shown me so far.

And I’ve got an extra treat waiting for you if you pull this off, Mr. Defender Man. Last week, I threw in a bag of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. But this week, I’m going all out. I get it. You’re a celebrity now. Money is no longer as thrilling as it once was. Well, I know one thing no celebrity can resist. A GOODIE BAG!!!!


Aw, yeah. Feast your eyes. No celebrity can resist the siren song of free shit wrapped in tissue paper and then stuffed inside a decorative paper bag. It’s fun! It’s tax-free! It’s an incredible insult to working class Americans! No one can deny the appeal of that. Tara Reid has lived off of gift bags alone since 2002. Your gift bag will include the following items:

-Reese’s Cups
-Bottle of Stetson (for ironic purposes)
-Two day stay at Rancho Relaxo
-Free Movado watch
-Home pedicure set
-5 Lottery scratch tickets
-Free test trial sample of new Glaxosmithkline anemia pill
-Matt Ufford sex tape
-? (mystery item!)
-? (another mystery item!)
-? (yet another mystery item!)
-? (mystery item that’ll really make you cream your jeans!)

And if that’s not enough, we’re raising the bounty… TO SIXTY DOLLARS!!!!!



God, look at that. One fifty and one ten. Or get three twenties. Or six tens. Or twelve fives. But don’t ask me to pay you in singles. Go to Pacman Jones for that shit.

Your move, NFL defenders. It’s Tom Brady’s week off. But a week becomes a year so easily. All you need is a Louisville Slugger and an iron will.

EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY - $20 Bounty On The Knees Of Tom Brady

Dear NFL Defenders,

You see this?

That’s a crisp, clean $20 bill. And it can be yours. All yours. All you have to do is one very simple thing: take out the knees of Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, shown here with knees that are far too functional for my taste.


I waited seven goddamn months for this season to start. And while I knew deep in my heart before the season that my team had absolutely no shot of winning the Super Bowl (my team, in fact, may be the worst in the league), I at least like to enjoy keeping up the illusion that my team has a shred of hope.

Well, it’s patently obvious now that the illusion is gone, as it is for 30 other NFL fan bases not located in Boston or Indiana. And I’m not happy about it. But, rather than sit here and bitch about, I’m gonna be proactive. That’s why I’m reinstituting the kneehunting bounty back into the NFL. The days of the good ol’ bounty died when Buddy Ryan retired. But I am a big fan of all things retro, so I’m bringing it back, Reggie Dunlop style. Ryan never got to Aikman's knees. But I'm gonna succeed where that old coot failed. FUCKING BOUNTY HUNT, BITCH!

This is not a joke. If you successfully take out Brady’s knees, I will really send you a $20 bill. American. Not counterfeit. Lest you think $20 isn’t a lot of money, consider what you can buy with $20:

-Many peanuts
-Bottle of Popov
-Blowjob (inner city)
-1/10th of a blowjob (suburbs)
-Top shelf KSK merchandise
-Two Cosi sandwiches
-Two months of Netflix
-Multiple discount rack DVD’s of fine films like “Jack the Bear”, “The Avengers”, and “A Fine Mess”
-100% syrup Squishie

The possibilities are endless. More importantly, you’ll have the gratitude of millions of other NFL fans, fans who would like to enjoy the season, instead of having to listen to endless slurping of the Patriots as they notch 30-point win after 30-point win, while assfuck Patriot fans like Bill Simmons whine why no one likes them. My dislike of that man and his kind has now become completely irrational. So consuming is my hatred that I rarely think of anything else, and that makes masturbation hard. So please, save me. And my penis.

But you MUST take out those knees. You cannot collect your bounty unless you are able to seriously injure Brady to the point where he cannot finish the season. Don’t come to me and say, “Drew, I sprained that white asshole’s knee! Gimme my money!” No way. I’m looking for definite tearing of ligaments and/or tendons. No concussions, because Belichick will just force his ass to play anyway. You gotta go for the legs. And you gotta go hard. Here are some images of just what is I’m looking for.





Is that worthy of my $20? Fuck and yes.

Now many of you will decry this bounty as “evil”, "sick", and “unsportsmanlike”. WRONG. Sportsmanship is all about being fair. Well, I see nothing fair about the Patriots being so much better than anyone else. It’s un-American, and I won’t stand for it. And Tom Brady can suck it up. He’s got three Super Bowl rings, millions of dollars, a hotass lady, and a new kid he doesn’t have to take care of. Personally, I think a little adversity would do him some good.

And this is all perfectly legal. At least, I think it's legal. I'm not sure it's legal. I'm pretty sure this is a felony. But I'm sure we can finesse the anti-bounty arm of the FBI somehow. It was legal on "Deadwood", and that's good enough for me.

And please note that this bounty can grow! During the season, I’ll be keeping track of which defenders have done their very best to maim Brady, and I’ll be upping the bounty accordingly. If KSK readers would like to add to the bounty, that would also be fine. I've already raised money for a good cause this year. Time to raise money for something completely disgusting. So aim low, my friends. The fate of the NFL is in your hands. Twenty whole dollars can be yours. So sweep the fucking leg.

Sincerely,

A Very Brave And Anonymous Internet Blogger