Boxing Day Madness is Coming to Your Town

[Monolithic big box store of your choosing]

Customer representative: (sucks teeth) NEX' I'll take nex' over here.

Cam Cameron: Hi, I'd like to return this Trent Green.


Customer rep: You got a receipt?

Cam Cameron: Yeah, right here.

Customer rep: (sucks teeth) I'm sorry, SIR. Returns are only good for 30 days. This here says you got this back in June.

Trent Green: Bananaface toytown August runs. Makeshift gearshift Total Recall. Seven come eleven rafting trip. These are not actually Beck lyrics.

Customer rep: You must be ow'chor damn mind. HE BROKE. I'm sorry. We cannot accept this return, SIR. NEX'

Bill Belichick: mumblemumblemumble

Customer rep: You gonna have to speak up, SIR.

Bill Belichick: I'd like to return this shirt.


Customer rep: What's wrong with it?

Bill Belichick: I don't need a second shirt.

Customer rep: (sucks teeth) Nuh-uh. You needs to give me some reasons for why the product is defective.

Bill Belichick: Well, for one, you're a dirty cunt and I hope you die at this job.

Customer rep: Oh, that's not even right. You need to get the fuck up outta here. NEX'


Wade Phillips: I received this voucher from my employer and I'd like to know how to redeem it.

Customer rep: (squints) "Good for one free stomach stapling for Gutbucket, the Christmas ham. Fattest wishes, Double-J." Okay, you're gonna go back to our cosmetology department. It's behind auto repair and next to the pharmacy.

Wade: Ah, why thank you, miss.

Customer rep: Hol' up. There's more here. "To retailer: Upon redemption of this coupon, please refuse service to any bearer weighing more than 300 lbs. and have security piggyback ride him out of the store." (squints) "Yeehaw...I...am...fucking...crazy."

Wade: Of all the rotten luck.