UPDATED: KSK Exklusive! Joe Buck Gets Drunk In Vegas, Declares Vasectomy and Wearing Of Jock Strap

By now you should know never to trust any sort of rumor-mongering published here at KSK, and this item is no exception. It comes to us third-hand from an anonymous fan who spends his workday toiling as Office Drone #3497 in Sector 7G over in Bristol, and was forwarded this story from a friend of a friend of a… you get the idea. This could all be bullshit, and it has that distinct whiff. But, even as fiction, it’s still a damn fine read.

I’d also like to caveat this story by saying that, contrary to many blog folk, I have no real problem with Joe Buck. Does a perfectly good job for me. And now that I know he allegedly likes to get shithoused and wear a jock under his clothes when he parties, I like him even more. Read on:

Tuesday night, March 4th, I had the single most bizarre experience I have ever had in numerous Vegas trips. A friend in my group knew a guy who got us table service at Moon nightclub at the Palms for a cheap rate. So we roll in w/ 19 people and start having a great time…

So we're at Moon for about 30 minutes having a spectacular time when my friend says "Hey, wait a second, I think I just saw Joe Buck." We all laugh it off. About twenty minutes later my friend yells my name across the bar and motions for me to come over. I walk over and he says "Bob (name changed), I'd like you to meet Joe Buck." Standing there in all of his glory is Joe Buck. The guy is pretty damn tall, but that isn't what stands out. What stands out is Joe Buck's freakishly large head. I mean his head is *HUGE*. We agree that Joe Buck has the largest head-to-body ratio we've ever seen. A Joe Buck bobblehead would ironically be an accurate representation of Joe Buck.

We get talking with him, expecting him to peace out within the first five minutes. Surprisingly, Joe Buck won't stop talking. He tells us of his glory days at Indiana University. He recounts some memorable sports moments he has witnessed. He talks about being 38, married, and having two kids. He takes a picture with us. We're thrilled - this is B-list celebrity at its best! Little did we know that Joe Buck had a sinister plan behind all of his seeming friendliness. He starts (talking to) my friend Jenny (name changed) incessantly and buying her bottles of Miller Lite using $100 bills. It's go time for Joe Buck.

Joe mentions that the Super Bowl was the greatest sporting event he has ever witnessed. He claims that he is afraid he has "peaked" and that he's on the downside of his career now. His mood turns darker. Later during the same "great sports moments" conversation Joe mentions the 2004 MLB Playoffs. I say to him "Whoa, that's right, you saw the Dave Roberts steal!" Joe turns to me and says sourly "Dave Roberts was out." This was a dire omen. (Ed Note: Tommy from Quinzee will NEVER forgive this transgression! Quick, Boston fans, go into Righteous Pity Mode!)

My friend asks Joe Buck, "Hey, have you been out on the patio yet? The view is unbelievable." JB replies, "Out there?!?! Go out there?!?! No, you don't have a chance in hell of getting me out there..." He then turns to my friend's girlfriend Jenny (standing directly beside him) looks her up and down twice and says to him "I've got all the view I need right here." (Ed. Note: DUDE!) My friend has no idea what to do at this point.

The conversation dies out and there are several awkward pauses of 20+ seconds. We are waiting for him to leave. But Joe Buck won't leave. At one point we are having a conversation about the club and how cool it was and Joe interrupts us and loudly exclaims:

"I HAD A VASECTOMY ON FRIDAY AND I AM WEARING A JOCK RIGHT NOW".

All of our jaws drop -- it was completely bizarre. My friend Jenny replies "well I guess the buck really does stop here, huh?" Joe had no response.

Joe continues to hit on my friend and she turns to me and says, "We have got to get away from Joe Buck." Our group leaving was not a real option - we had our tables and we didn't want to leave them. So we had to get Joe to leave. So I did the only thing I thought I could do -- press Joe Buck's buttons. After a moment of thought I unleashed what ended up being the silver bullet - "Hey Joe, on a scale of 1 to Gus Johnson, where would you rank yourself?" Joe Buck was pissed.

He said "Ohh, I could only hope to SOMEDAY achieve the level that Gus has." My friend told Joe to lighten up and he instantly turned into a 5th grader, yelling/whining pointing at me and yelling, "but he Gus Johnsoned meeee!" Five minutes later my friend drunkenly stumbles up to JB, points at him and says, "Ha! Gus Johnson!" Joe slams his beer down on the bar.

Finally, about one hour after Joe Buck first contact, Joe says, "I gotta meet my friends now". We asked who he was here with and he said, "couple guys, from Fox, you know". We tell him that's a good idea as we are headed down to the Playboy Club now. We leave and celebrate our newfound Joe Buck freedom.

About twenty minutes later we are in the Playboy Club sitting around having a drink. Guess who walks in alone after us... Joe Buck. He sits down and starts playing $100 hands of blackjack. We leave the club about an hour later with Joe sitting beside (and chatting up) a young girl who had been sitting alone at the table before he joined her. I wish you could have seen this girl and what she was wearing. Let's just say I think she was playing with house money. (Ed. Note: No clue what this means. Let’s just assume she had a big rack.)

Afterward, we all realized one thing: Joe Buck is having a mid-life crisis. It all adds up: 1.) He feels he has 'peaked' professionally, 2.) He screamed out that he had just had a vasectomy to strangers, 3.) He was (flirting with) girls despite being married w/kids, 4.) His livid reaction to the Gus Johnson comment.

I can't believe I am saying it, but for the first time I can only imagine how Tim McCarver puts up with doing games with Joe Buck, and not vice versa. What a douchebag.

Well, if getting drunk by yourself and trying to awkwardly interject into group conversations makes you a douchebag, then call me Frankie Muniz.

UPDATE: The original writer of this story emailed us.

"Drew et al,

I wanted to write you and let you know that I wrote the 'On a Scale of 1 to Gus Johnson' story about Joe Buck. I am a grad student here in DC and I was on spring break in Vegas last week.

Every single word in that piece is true. There are no exaggerations, and many people can corroborate the entire thing.

Attached is a picture of me with Joe Buck, taken the night of March 4th at Moon nightclub.

Many thanks for running that article,

Brett"

Joe Buck And Jim Nantz Discuss The Merits Of The Three-Person Booth While Walking Through An Airport

JOE BUCK: Jim, what are you pointing at?

JIM NANTZ: Uh, I forgot.

JOE BUCK: So, that’s it. Another season in the books.

JIM NANTZ: It went by so quickly.

JOE BUCK: Good season, Jim.

JIM NANTZ: Good season, Joe.

JOE BUCK: I think we’ve earned a little R&R, don’t you agree?

JIM NANTZ: We did some gosh-darned good work this season.

JOE BUCK: So much bullcrap that we put up with, what with the travel, all the a-holes to deal with. It’s a great job, make no mistake, but people question my fortitude, call me the P-word and what not. It really…it stinks. It just stinks.

JIM NANTZ: Stinks like fresh bull mess.

JOE BUCK: But I’m done with that for a few months. Sometimes it takes me a few weeks to snap out of my broadcaster voice, you know what I mean? I have some baseball dates coming up, but those are way down the calendar.

JIM NANTZ: You’re lucky. I still have the CBS golf schedule, including the Masters. On such hallow ground, one’s language must be as pristine and as pure as his pigmentation.

JOE BUCK: Better keep that mouth of yours in game shape then.

JIM NANTZ: Indeed. But I will get a short break here. For three days, I’m not going to do…

[Trails off]

JOE BUCK: …Jim?

Oh. It's finally happened. The Pussy Apocalypse is upon us. An army of whores have come to enslave us all.

JIM NANTZ: Oh, no.

JOE BUCK: Look at that one in the front. That little bitch is begging for it.

JIM NANTZ: Oh, heavens, no.

JOE BUCK: That little piece of Tokyo ‘tang might be on your flight, Jimbo. You might even be sitting next to her on the way back to New York. You could give her a little Seoul Finger. But, you know, like South Korea Seoul. Get it?

JIM NANTZ: [Squirming uncomfortably] I follow you, Joe.

JOE BUCK: Oh, sorry man. I didn’t mean to articulate that. That is a disgusting act. And I apologize that…that I won’t be flicking that bean myself. You know what I hear about Japanese women? That their gashes are flat. Like their economy.

JIM NANTZ: You’re not really helping.

JOE BUCK: What’s the big deal? Just say that you want to fuck her and I’ll shut up. I swear. Just say it, Jimbo. Me love you long time. But say it in a Bryant Gumbel voice.

JIM NANTZ: No.

JOE BUCK: Fine, say it in your own voice.

JIM NANTZ: I’m not going to say it.

JOE BUCK: She might have checked her bags at the terminal, but I’ll be checking her oil in the handicapped stall before boarding. And I will continue to hit that ass until the No Pounding sign has been illuminated. By the time I’m done fucking her, not only will her eyes be round, but she’ll have gained 15 pounds and have issues with her father.

JIM NANTZ: Please stop.

JOE BUCK: Come on, Jimbo, let’s get over there and gang-bang her. You can give her a Pacific Rimjob, and I’ll make her pie-hole part of the Wang Dynasty. Then you can take a break while I pummel that Pai-Gow pussy with my Kim Jong eel while I’ve got her ankles on my shoulders.

JIM NANTZ: [mumbling] It’s a position…

JOE BUCK: Say it, Jimbo. Come on, say it!

JIM NANTZ: It’s a position unlike any other.

JOE BUCK: Yes! Alright, Jimbo!

JIM NANTZ: Ladies and gentlemen, this is Flight 669 with nonstop service to Pleasuretown. We’d like to invite our Pacific club members to begin seating…on my face.

JOE BUCK: Let’s get over there. I’ve got an invitation to the House of Dong with her name on it.
[They stand up]

JIM NANTZ: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: nothing beats Saigon beaver.

JOE BUCK: True dat, Jimbo. True. Dat.

It's Like Isiah's Popcorn, Only More Bland!

Hey Isiah, fuck you!

Joe Buck and Troy Aikman are teaming up outside of the bedroom announcers booth to bring Americans more of what they need most, buttery popcorn covered in mysterious goo. This is nothing new for Joe "Dude" Buck, who's always been happy to shill Budweiser, but it could mark the beginning of Aikman's career as a nationwide pitchman. In fact, he's already been attached to such other notable companies as Generic Brick, Wheat Flake Cereal, and various imitation handbag manufacturers.