Thursday, March 20, 2008

Molested by Jack Hanna Regional Tag Team Match: No. 4 Panther and No. 3 Jaguar vs. No. 5 Charger and No. 6 Colt. WHO YA GOT?

























The Molested by Jack Hanna Region contains two large-predatory-cat-versus-horse pairings. In our desire not to have to write two poststo spice things up somewhat, we've decided to conflate the contests and make it a two-on-two, with both members of the winning team advancing in their bracket.

You're thinking, "hey - it was a lop-sided bout in favor of the cat in the first place, now it's decidedly in favor of two cats." Well you've got some attitude, mister.

One way to look at it is that cats are like women: territorial and not particularly fond of one another, unlikely to work toward a common goal. Misogynistic reading? Mostly likely. But I didn't make the rules. God did and He/She/It/Giant Spider is the greatest misogynist of them all. Then again, the cats are facing fucking horses. Who needs teamwork?

The poll is on the sidebar to the right. Voting is open through the end of the day. Voting is closed. The Panther and Jaguar won with 78 percent of the vote.
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24 comments:

  1. Tracer Bullet8:38 AM, March 20, 2008

    I'd happily take a bolt of lightning and a 40oz. of malt liquor against just about any competition, but if I can only work with the stupid horses then the giant predatory jungle beasts win in a bloody blur of claws and fangs.

    ReplyDelete
  2. JAMMQ8:46 AM, March 20, 2008

    Those pussies don't stand a chance against a Charger on Merriman's prescriptions drinking a 40.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Capital City Goofball8:58 AM, March 20, 2008

    So is it two harses or one drunk harse?

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  4. Upstate Underdog9:00 AM, March 20, 2008

    Nice shoes assholes, I'm voting for the cats.

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  5. J9:11 AM, March 20, 2008

    the inability of the cats to get inside the colt .45 bottle could prove to be a difference maker?

    /again, claws and fangs usually win

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  6. Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective)9:16 AM, March 20, 2008

    After chugging the Colt 45. could I take the bottle and smash into a weapon?

    ReplyDelete
  7. Steve9:30 AM, March 20, 2008

    In defense of women from your sexism, I'd like to quote a passage from one of the great feminists of our time...The Sports Gal (who doesn't actually like sports):
    I'd be considered a twig if we lived in Wisconsin. Everyone would tell me how skinny I was all the time and ask me where I worked out and what I did. I could introduce the women there to pilates and explain to them the dangers of brats and cheese curds.

    Wait...that didn't actually defend women at all! Oh well...

    ReplyDelete
  8. Claude Balls10:18 AM, March 20, 2008

    Any chance of an updated bracket that shows in one glance the results thus far?

    I cannot remember what I had for dinner last night, much less the results of yesterday's (or Tuesday's) voting.

    ReplyDelete
  9. futuremrsrickankiel10:25 AM, March 20, 2008

    Misogynism: goes great with coffee.

    Isn't a colt a baby horse? I'd like to think the Charger would have one of those mysterious adrenaline rushes women supposedly have when their offspring are in danger, and thus trample the cats to death.

    We need an upset victory somewhere!

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  10. J10:38 AM, March 20, 2008

    @futuremrs

    didn't we already get the chief over the raider?

    /first time a non-casino Indian ever won at anything if so

    And I prefer my misogyny with a healthy side of Brett Myers

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  11. JAMMQ10:45 AM, March 20, 2008

    I can't believe we have to look at that fucking Yankee logo everyday.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Christmas Ape10:51 AM, March 20, 2008

    We'll do an updated bracket after the first round ends Friday.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Punch Rockgroin10:53 AM, March 20, 2008

    As long as the horses don't call upon the spirit of Barbaro... this should be a cake walk.

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  14. Claude Balls11:17 AM, March 20, 2008

    Thanks.

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  15. Rant_Casey11:27 AM, March 20, 2008

    You mean I can vote against the Colts AND Chargers in one click of a mouse??? Thanks KSK!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Unknown11:29 AM, March 20, 2008

    As a Panthers fan, I want to vote for the cats. But as a raging alcoholic, I want to vote for the Colt 45. Decisions, decisions...

    ReplyDelete
  17. Kyle321N12:37 PM, March 20, 2008

    As I have stated before (and seeing the votes it seems to have no chance of holding up) the Colt (being an untamed horse, not a "baby" horse) would probably make the cats bite the curb and then skull stomp the shit of of those fucker. Unfortunatly this won't happen...

    /wishes we had a higher seed so we could face a bird

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  18. Otto Man1:02 PM, March 20, 2008

    Hard call -- LL Cool J walks like a panther, but drinks Colt 45.

    ReplyDelete
  19. gone2:02 PM, March 20, 2008

    How could you people vote against Billy Dee's drink of choice! How could you!


    /sob

    ReplyDelete
  20. J3:49 PM, March 20, 2008

    jamm if you think the Mets are better than sex you have clearly never been laid, ever.

    OR

    you have an absurd fetish for Spaniards and illegal immigrants

    ReplyDelete
  21. Man Bear Pig7:09 PM, March 20, 2008

    I'll take a drunken lightning horse over two pussies in a fight anyday.

    ReplyDelete
  22. naptown drew7:18 PM, March 20, 2008

    I'm picturing a horse stomping on a cat until Dee Mirich is licking brains out of hoof.

    /I blame Baltimore for my team's faggoty mascot

    ReplyDelete
  23. Eriol8:08 PM, March 20, 2008

    cats > horses

    ReplyDelete
  24. jackin'4beats9:22 PM, March 20, 2008

    The only bolts of lighting are reserved for my boy Raiden!!!

    AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

    ReplyDelete