Well, this book draft got some tempers frayed within the Gay Mafia, beginning with each member mocking Ufford for his reference to his writing as "my prose" then he countering that Drew is an Exeter and Colby-educated oaf who is fond of the salmon-colored shirts and calling people a douchebag for not agreeing with his tastes in music, movies or the Vikings.
It's up to you, dear reader, to settle this. Which one of us is the haughtiest, snootiest member of Mount Pretent-more? We're even getting Falco in on it (dying is so elitist).
Consider:
Ufford:
Lives in Park Slope, Brooklyn. Disdainful of everywhere else on the planet. Especially wherever it is you live.
Uses words like antediluvian in Fanhouse columns
Not in the military? Not getting eye contact.
Blazers galore!
So insecure about his own pretentiousness he had to ask With Leather readers not to vote for him
Wrote shit for McSweeney's, for shit's sake
Drew:
"Disagree? Douchebag!"
Buries people's posts at whim
Picture turning its nose up at definition of WASP in dictionary
Fat but not jolly
Attended Colby
Attended Exeter
Lives in Bethesda
Didn't really vote for Obama
Unsilent:
Wine snob
Born wealthy
Lives in Georgetown
Raised in Potomac
Hates that, ugh, white people music THAT THEY STOLE ANYWAY
Pretend black person
Non-pretend half-Jew (pick a side!)
Ape:
Former film critic
Journalist (dismissive by nature)
Listens to NPR
A monkey, therefore incapable of pretension
Gives you the Marmalard posts you love
Punter:
Lives in South Carolina (the pretentious Carolina)
Owns hedgehog (uncommon pet!)
Has donkey sex only because it's obscure
Runs political web site
flubby:
Thinks you're an idiot for not still liking the Grateful Dead
Lawyer
The Sugar Sheet is funded by the National Endowment of the Arts (taxpayer money!)
Secretly a Guggenheim fellow
Name doesn't make sense and is purposely not capitalized = PRETENTIOUS
Leery of fellow bumpkin Kentuckians
i say Drew because he went to Colby. Go White Mules!!!!!
ReplyDeletevote drew, hed vote for you.
ReplyDeleteMy immediate reaction was that it's got to be Ufford. But when I saw your list, I started to think maybe the Maj only loves black people and ill rhymes to overcompensate for the pretension. Then again, he bought me a beer once, so I'll vote for Ufford.
ReplyDelete/will be surprised if he remembers the beer
@smurphette: But was the beer an import?
ReplyDeleteSnobby New Yorkers are extra obnoxious (redundant?).
ReplyDelete/but totally understands uncalled for arrogance because of Texas upbringing.
Everyone and anyone living in New York is the most pretentious NYC is the center of the universe asshole. They will name drop NYC every fuckin third word.
ReplyDeleteApe had my vote until I realized that wasn't an intentional Joy Division reference.
ReplyDeleteAre we talking McSweeney's pretentious or Christopher Hitchens pretentious?
Since serving in the military and fathering a child both undermine nebbish intellectualism, I'd say this turns on whether Drew secretly hates his family (Herman Melville) or Ufford was secretly a self-loathing gay in the service (Norman Mailer).
/sucks own dick.
ReplyDeleteNot sure living in Park Slope is pretentious--living Queens but claiming to live in Park Slope might be. Anyway, I'm starting to think it's flubby. Why is he leery of blumpkins?
ReplyDeleteMeteor.
ReplyDeleteufford.
ReplyDeleteyou gotta be shittin' me. you think you're mickey spillane? you think you're some kind of a fuckin' writer?
You're not a writer. you're a killer!
There's nothing pretentious about going to Exeter, if by nothing pretentious about you mean wicked gay
ReplyDelete@babydaddy:
ReplyDeleteBecause the porcelain hurts his chin.
@grimey: Good question, except that he asked me what I wanted, and can't be held accountable for the pretension (or lack thereof) in my beer selection.
ReplyDeleteApe all the way. One clear sign of pretentiousness is trying extra hard to prove that you are not pretentious: that and rooting for any team other than the 'Skins when you are a native of the area.
ReplyDeleteCan Bengals fans be pretentious?
ReplyDeleteI'd like to say not, but I own multiple blazers.
Wow. I actually have to think about this in a meaningfu...UFF!
ReplyDeleteSorry dude. Its the blazers.
/will be surprised if he remembers the beer
ReplyDeletenot even vaguely.
I'm all Jew, motherfucker.
ReplyDeleteIn a reform kinda way.
And I wasn't wealthy until my Bar Mitzvah!
that and rooting for any team other than the 'Skins when you are a native of the area.
ReplyDeleteBut I was born in PA! I have the retardery to prove it!
I was going to vote for Drew, cause only pretentious fags still talk about playing football for Exeter and Colby.
ReplyDeleteAnd I thought about Punter and donkey porn. But porn is good; even donkey porn.
But then, Ufford mocked As I Lay Dying. Fuck him.
Ufford is a Scotch aficionado, but does that make him a snob?
ReplyDelete/Scotch is yummy
@unsilent: It was at Old Glory after the book thing, when I was talking with Sarah and Becky. You were a nice, if sleepy-looking, drunk.
ReplyDeleteNow that Drew seems to be pulling away, the real barn burners are Punter vs. Flubby and whether Ape is less pretentious than a dead person.
Oh I remember the night, just not the beer. Or anything after hour 2ish.
ReplyDeleteufford isn't the only scotch fan.
There is no reason for discord, people. The Gay Mafia consists of nothing but pretentious knob-gobblers. How does one choose the worst John Grisham novel? Or the worst Michael Bolton record? Such a thing is impossible. Instead, let us hate them all EQUALLY. Surely we can agree that the people running this site are all self-aggrandizing boy-touchers.
ReplyDeleteScotch is always good for when you want to wake up fully-clothed
ReplyDelete@ tracer bullet
ReplyDeleteyou're a whackjob.
1985's "Everybody's Crazy" was easily Michael Bolton's worst album.
Shouldn't hating As I Lay Dying make me LESS pretentious?
ReplyDeleteUfford was losing until he asked his precious With Leather readers to rescue him.
ReplyDeleteYOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH, BLAZER BOY!
Shouldn't hating As I Lay Dying make me LESS pretentious?
ReplyDeletewow. even that came across as pretentious.
Hating Faulkner isn't less pretentious. Mocking me for liking Faulkner--that's pretentious. As a New England prep school, southern private university, Ph.D. having literary critic and published author, I would know pretention, me thinks.
ReplyDeleteYOU'RE pretentious!
ReplyDeletewell duh. Can I get you a nice scotch to go with your pretention? Single malt of course, not a blend.
ReplyDeleteElijah Craig 18 year old goes nice with mine.
I can't believe Drew rises and sleeps under the very blanket of pretentiousness Ufford provides, and then questions the manner with which he provies it. Can't you just say thank you, and be on your way? Otherwise, raise your pinky when sipping your Manhattan and stand your post at the end of the Oak Room.
ReplyDeleteUfford was losing until he asked his precious With Leather readers to rescue him.
ReplyDeleteYou're shitting me. No, you are not: With Leather
Let me know when you do the "Who is the biggest pussy?" poll.
I think being pretentious is something to be proud of. You can make snarky/smarmy comments all day, about anything you want. And that's fun.
ReplyDeleteFuck..I like Ufford cause I was special forces/ army, .Unsilent:.cause he went to Pitt.., DREW..HAS GREAT MUSICAL TASTE...SEE BRMC...Ape, cause he is a goddamn Steelers fan..I am torn..who can save us now?..other than that..I got Jessica Simpson moving in next door..throw me a bone here...
ReplyDeletehttp://music.aol.com/countrycorner/2008/03/25/jessica-simpson-reportedly-buys-3-5-million-nashville-pad/
OH NO! The sanctity of a "most pretentious blogger" poll on a football blog has been ruined! How dare I tamper with the democratic process! Claude Balls, can you ever forgive me??? I feel ever so terrible that this might not be an accurate reflection of anonymous people's opinion.
ReplyDeletei'm keeping my vote private, so as not to piss anyone off.
ReplyDelete/so insecure :(
"OH NO! The sanctity of a "most pretentious blogger" poll on a football blog has been ruined! How dare I tamper with the democratic process! Claude Balls, can you ever forgive me??? I feel ever so terrible that this might not be an accurate reflection of anonymous people's opinion."
ReplyDeleteNothing pretentious about that.
Living in Park Slope doesn't make you pretentious. Just an asshole.
ReplyDelete/priced out of Park Slope and misses Pizza Plus
I forgot what kind of nitpicking fey jackasses you all are. With the vote in your hands, I'll be disappointed if I DON'T win.
ReplyDelete/I'm back baby!
You misunderstand me. I didn't complain that you ruined the sanctity of a poll on a football/dick joke blog. I said that you were a pussy for begging people to vote for Drew.
ReplyDeleteWait, I thought Drew was MN born and raised. I was convinced he went to Blake...
ReplyDeleteI was convinced he went to Blake...
ReplyDeleteAnd for a handful of years, I did.
There was some... unpleasantness.
ReplyDeleteThat poor bear mascot was never the same.
My family started this company with one rickety slave ship and a simple motto: People, Selling People, To People. So don't call me fey!
ReplyDelete/If stealing from Mr. Show is wrong I don't want to be right
//looking up "fey"
///you go straight to hell blazermonger
To be fair to flubby, everyone from Louisville is leery of fellow bumpkin Kentuckians. That's not pretentiousness, that's common sense.
ReplyDeleteHow is this even a contest? This discussion begins and ends with BBD's admission he went to both Exeter and Colby. Where is the MFA from Emerson?
ReplyDeleteflubby give no love to Kentuckians; flubby gets no love from Kentuckians. Move to Indianapolis and be done with it!
ReplyDelete/just kidding
//cardchronicle.com is going crazy because Tennessee remembered they were being coached by Bruce Pearl
///you shure got a prudy mouth
ryan the intern: Most folks in Kentucky consider Louisville part of Indiana. I don't believe that, I love the town, but I sure do miss the riverboat Kingfish downtown.
ReplyDeleteIn my defense, I'm leery of pretty much everyone.
ReplyDeleteJesus, you guys have just reminded me how long the fuckin' off season is. Why don't you take this offline until August?
ReplyDelete/curious about what Michael Vick and Marmalard are up to.
Ufford. But I wouldn't be shocked if he's going to take this victory in stride.
ReplyDeleteI voted for Xmas Ape, because there is nothing more pretentious that glossing over your own pretentious-ness while pointing out other people's pretentious-ness.
ReplyDeleteAlso, any Steeler fan that has read Ulysses (or any book, for that matter) gets extra pretentious points.
WTF is going on around here?
ReplyDeleteCut this Beatles shit out.
You all at different points have exhibited equal parts douchebaggery, asshole-ishness, pretentiousness, with spots of snarkiness.
Get over yourselves and get back to writing dick jokes.
/I always hurt the ones I love
How can anyone who practically slobs QOTSA's knob be a pretentious douche? Let's see:
ReplyDelete1. Breadwich
2. Hairy Belly Fat Pictures
3. Jamboroo
In other words, not BDD
Uff actually got foreign sand in his asshole and balls while fighting for our country. As long as he didn't go to Officer school and date women named babs or muffy, he's not a pretentious douchebag.
Ape gave us Marmalard, and Hines Wald, so no.
I don't know if anyone in the general population of SC can be considered a snob. Half retard chitlin eaters maybe, but not snobs.
It's a close race between flubby cummings the art snob and the privileged Jew UM. What kind of Jew is named Jack, anyway? Shouldn't you be David, or Aaron, or Tzipi?
I'll go with UM, just for the fact that of his upbringing and overcompensation towards the black folk, and using the name Unsilent. "It's not even a word!!"
Seriously though, you fuckers really help me get through my shitty days at work.
As jammq said, back to your dick jokes.
I forgot what kind of nitpicking fey jackasses you all are. With the vote in your hands, I'll be disappointed if I DON'T win.
ReplyDeleteI see you graduated from the Dick Cheney Charm School too!
I thought flubby was the dead one.
ReplyDeleteWhere do I vote for Most Defensive?
ReplyDeleteAlso, +1 289.
His name is Footsteps Falco,
ReplyDeleteHis name is Footsteps Falco,
His name is Footsteps Falco
Maj: If he were a type of bakery, he would be a douchebag-elry... haha.
ReplyDeleteActually, it was the "born wealthy" bit that got me. "Get them in your crosshairs and take them [the fuck] down."
"Never in my wildest imagination did I ever dream I would have sons like these."
ReplyDeleteUfford always struck me as the type of guy you would see trying way too hard to fit in at a party and talking to himself on his cell phone.
ReplyDeleteSo will Drew be celebrating not being voted the most pretentious by wearing his favorite salmon or periwinkle shirt?
ReplyDeletedon't blame me, i voted for falco
ReplyDelete...prick