and you wouldn't believe what I did for the color orange.
I remember thinking that the best things about New York's Super Bowl run was the fact that Tiki Barber had absolutely nothing to do with the team's ultimate success. Knowing that his team excelled once he fled the Meadowlands for Rockefeller Plaza probably left gregarious insufferably douchey commentator with a touch of melancholy (and hopefully some infinite sadness).
So Tiki, how do you feel now that your team has achieved in your absence what they never could with you present?
"I feel great joy for them because I know in a lot of ways I helped a lot of guys on that team,” Barber said. “I know Brandon was someone who benefited from me being there; even criticizing someone is a way of getting them to think about themselves."
But that's not all!
Thanks to our unprecedented access to the world's foremost taint sniffing omelet flippers we were able to learn a lot more about Tiki's history of boosting greatness...
-I'm not saying I was at Normandy beach, but those guys know I was there in spirit.
-I had lunch with Obama once, and I think that really opened his eyes to what hope and change can achieve.
-Lisa Gherardini was Da Vinci's subject, but I was his muse.
-I taught Alicia Keys everything she knows about proper moisturizing.
-Al Gore invented the internet, but I invented Al Gore.
-Women didn't swoon over Matty Lauer until I took him to a proper tailor.
-You know all of those good plays Ronde made this year? Well that was me.
-I taught Gilbert Arenas the proper shaving technique.
-In the summertime, my vaguely unsettling easygoing personality repels mosquitoes.
-I'm glad Tiger listened when I told him he had a shot to win at Dubai.
-Few people know that the Treaty of Versailles had a ghostwriter.
-I approached Alexander Parkes at his graduation party and uttered one word, "plastics."
-I told that guy that shooting up the Super Bowl would be an error in judgement.
-I showed Saddam where to hide the WMDs.
-Woody was just some Catskills hack until I handed him my philosophy textbook.
-Women wearing ties? Not before I got in Diane Keaton's ear.
-The ratings for the Super Bowl were so good because I personally turned on every TV in America.
-One time I was hangin' with Gandhi and I was like, "dude, you need to lose some weight."
Thanks, Tiki!
via Awful Announcing
Reggie Nelson looks at Tiki Barber.
ReplyDeleteTiki Barber looks at Reggie Nelson.
[head explodes]
Procreation was a lot less fun before I showed Grog penis in vagina sex.
ReplyDeleteEinstein came up with the equation E=mc but I added the "square".
ReplyDeleteBill Belichick was just another coach with a losing record in Cleveland until I taught him how to tape other team's practices.
ReplyDeleteIt was I who told Bill Simmons how much America would love to know his thoughts on his favorite teams.
ReplyDeleteKurt Cobain was auditioning to be in one of those clean-cut 90s boy bands before I suggested that he try a "grungier" look.
ReplyDeletethis has Bambi written all over it.
ReplyDeleteI was the one that got Rivers to change from mild annoyance to Total Fucking Douche. You're welcome.
ReplyDeleteWord verification: coedufho
Co-ed UF-Ho? Where do I sign?
no, christmas ape will just erase them all, plus tiki will just take credit them anyway
ReplyDeleteKurt Warner was just an average stockboy before I taught him how to stack soup cans.
ReplyDelete"So I said, 'Hey Hef, why don't you use pictures of women with their clothes off?'"
ReplyDelete@futuremrs:
ReplyDeleteSo it was YOU that encouraged Kurt to get into grunge? Frankly, I think you should be tried for Involuntary Manslaughter due to his resulting suicide.
/watches waaaaay too much Law & Order
Oh yeah, and if it wasn't for me, Dick Wolf wouldn't have included the "duh duh" sound that plays every three minutes on the show.
Bambi went from sour to bitter until Tiki's watch
ReplyDelete/not the one who erased your comments
Oh yeah? Well, if it wasn't for me, the show would just have been called "Law."
ReplyDelete"You used to have to slice bread yourself. I changed all that."
ReplyDeleteGeorge Lucas was going to write a Broadway play, but I steered him towards science fiction.
ReplyDeleteWhen Shakespeare first started writing, I pushed him to take an "edgier" approach.
I'll have you know that I was the first person to mention to Christmas Ape that Phillip Rivers is a douche.
awww, i no sowuh oh bittah, i stirr rove shite, I give it shree smirre evely day
ReplyDeleteBambi was a relatively unknown poster until I suggested that he start commenting more frequently.
ReplyDeleteYay I like this thread better than the previous one.
-- homer
I invented the question mark.
ReplyDeletehines ward never smiled before tiki snuck up on him and tickled him during a preseason scrimmage
ReplyDeleteMe and George Washington Carver were having drinks and suede when I said to him, "Man, what about the peanut?"
ReplyDeleteat Suede
ReplyDelete/fucking up joke
I taught Brett Favre how to have fun out there.
ReplyDeleteBefore I came around, Patriot fans were gracious in defeat.
ReplyDelete[Whispers would like to add that he does not believe that Tiki Barber really said all these things.]
ReplyDeleteI took Patriots fans from just being regular old bandwagon racists and helped them reach a new plateau of douchiness.
ReplyDeleteJapan would have won if I had never suggested a project in Manhattan
ReplyDeleteTiki encouraged Tom Coughlin to help Tiki stop fumbling and become a better running back.
ReplyDeleteA lot of people in Boston were just your average working class types until I pulled Mayor Menino aside during the St. Patty's Day Parade and suggested he add a little vinegar to the water supply.
ReplyDelete"Guys, we've all seen dick and fart jokes. Now I'm just putting it out there... Bukakke"
ReplyDeleteJohn Lennon wanted to say, "I am the carpenter," but I pointed out that Jesus was a carpenter and Lennon was bigger than Jesus. "I am the walrus, goo goo ga choo bitches"
ReplyDelete"Despite what Romi and Michelle would have you believe, I invented Post-Its"
ReplyDelete*Romy.
ReplyDeleteGod, I can't even be super gay correctly.
"I invented the color red. I invented ALL the primary colors. They steal my ideas".
ReplyDelete///r.i.p, Phil.
I told Axl Rose to take all the time in the worlds he needs to finish Chinese Democracy. I also told him that replacing Slash, Duff, Izzy and Matt Sorum instead of making up and playing nice would be better for his creativity.
ReplyDeleteBefore I started working with him, Romo wasn't even in the top ten in the NFC in smiles.
ReplyDeleteI scribbled a little idea for a book on a napkin, slid it across the bar to the lady who complained of writers block. Perhaps you've heard of this Harry Potter?
ReplyDeleteI put the bomp
ReplyDeleteIn the bomp bah bomp bah bomp.
I put the ram
In the rama lama ding dong.
I put the bop
In the bop shoo bop shoo bop
and...
I put the dip
In the dip da dip da dip.
Michael Vick was an honor roll nerd until I introduced him to weed.
ReplyDeleteI was the first one to give Rodney no respect.
ReplyDeletetime for another racism post, simmons just said:
ReplyDeleteMoss sprinting down the sidelines flanked by two d-backs, and then, Brady launching the ball 70 yards down field as every Giants fan in the building stopped breathing. The pass was right on target and Moss would have caught the football had he jumped for it ... which he didn't. I will always believe that. And by the way, it's taking all the will power in my sick body to refrain from a "If it were Week 6 and we were winning by 28, Moss would have caught the football" joke.
of course welkaaaaah woulda caught it...damn daaaakies
I convinced Tony Romo that dating Carrie Underwood and Jessica Simpson was the best way to calm his nerves during playoff games.
ReplyDeleteYou know that song, "The KKK Took My Baby Away?" I was the baby.
ReplyDeleteTiki to OJ Simpson: "I'm telling you, Juice, she's screwing around on you. And if I were in your Bruno Maglis, I wouldn't stand for it."
ReplyDeleteI thought that cat named Adolf was a good painter, but our teacher disagreed.
ReplyDeleteTiki helped me realize that all of you are shallow and pedantic
ReplyDeleteIt was I that told Jenna Jameson that she could make money taking her clothes off in front of a camera.
ReplyDeleteI am my own twin. So anything Ronde does better than me, I am actually doing better than myself
ReplyDeleteI told Bhutto to duck and look what happened to her.
ReplyDeleteTony Parker was just a black French man making millions of dollars playing basketball, until I convinced him to give up the tonnage of poon he was reeling in and marry an overbearing, unattractive harpy.
ReplyDeleteThat Dick Cheney, I taught him how to shoot.
ReplyDeleteword verification: qcefo
new position created for me @ work once they find out I spend all day reading KSK???
I told Rex Grossman to loosen up a little and have a little fun.
ReplyDeleteIm the smoke monster on LOST
ReplyDeleteThat shit with the 1980 US Olympic hockey team? Let's just say I had a little meeting with the Russians before the game, and let them know it was in their best interest to not win.
ReplyDeleteGod was going to make attractive women in Ohio on the 7th day, but I said, "Rest, big guy. You had a busy week."
ReplyDeleteI told Joe Namath he should try to pick up Suzy Kolber on live tv.
ReplyDeleteToday's Simmons mailbag contains the following atrocity:
ReplyDelete"Of course, I have no pity for the Patriots, but I DO feel for their great fans..."
I call bullshit. Either this letter is fabricated or the writer is a Klansman.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI personally believe that Tiki Barber (and his clone ronde) were single handedly responsible for the Giants winning #42 aka "The Boston Massacre".
ReplyDeleteI would also like to take this time to point out some little known facts about Tiki.
Tiki Barber came up with the idea to play Russian Roulette with Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun.
Tiki Barber told a young redheaded boy to take karate lesssons to defend himself against bullies. That redhead was Chuck Norris.
Tiki Barber practiced one day in a mini camp with the Miami Dolphins before the 72 season
I was the one that mentioned to Peter King that America might enjoy a piece about Brett Favre.
ReplyDeleteSo it was probably Tom Coughlin that decided it was better to land the battalion landing teams directly in front of the German pillboxes on Omaha. And that the Americans didn't need none of those British Funny tanks. And that it was okay to launch the DD tanks so far out to sea that there was a good chance most of them would sink.
ReplyDeleteBut Tiki probably told the lead coxswain to let the landing craft drift a little at Utah.
Yes, I said coxswain.
And then Tiki suggested the troops take the German emplacements on Omaha from the rear rather than by frontal assault.
Yes, I wrote it - from the rear.