Osi Umenyiora, who has a long tradition of liking to freak you nasty, is getting ready to face the Packers in the NFC title game on Sunday. And nothing helps Osi relax before the big game like paying three grand to unload his bowels on some random chick. Click here (NSFW) for all the alleged (and almost certainly false) details.
Yep, he flew me to Atlanta with my kids for some event that he had with another player and wanted the same request. Then I spent some time with him nearby while a music video was being shot at his house!! He wanted me to have sex with him and one of his brothers at the same time. He also wanted me to try it with another one of his teammates that was staying there. I said no because I didn't want to be passed around like that. He did buy my jewelry. The diamond snow ball. Oh and all the me money. I did invite a friend to join us (My hot girl "L" that has done shoots with me) and he wanted to DEFECATE on her in his bathtub. My GOSH she let him do it but I wanted no part. I'm a freak, but my gosh.
The next time I was with him he offered me 3 grand if I let him defecate on me and I said no. He told me to leave and so I did. The next time he asked and I did and I accepted the 3 grand. And it became a regular thing. He began flying me to Florida and Atlanta last summer paying my bills, giving me money for my kids as long as I let him well, "shit" on me. He was in Atlanta for a major taping for "work" he said at his house and that night he told me to defecate on him. Of course he said he was joking but i reallly wonder.
Whatsa matter, dear? Don't want the Hot Carl from a 300 lb. lineman who eats 8,000 calories a day? This guy must make turds the size of a fucking steamer trunk. How can you resist that?
And to think, Eli's idea of being kinky is to masturbate with the lights on. Things are different on the other side of the ball, indeed.
By the way, I have a feeling that a "diamond snowball" is not a kind of jewelry.
Big deal, Winston Justice let Osi shit on him on national television.
ReplyDeleteThings are different on the other side of the ball, indeed.
ReplyDeleteNajeh Davenport tends to disagree.
Yukkies.
ReplyDeleteWell played, Flubby.
ReplyDeleteI've got to imagine his shits are the size of those mounds elephants leave behind. I hope she's got scuba gear.
Eli stays away from the chocolate. He just licks the cream.
ReplyDeletewell,.....shit..i got nothing
ReplyDeletethis is a comment just to post a comment.
ReplyDeleteand no way that blog is real.
Osi's going about things all wrong with this requesting bullshit. The old adage holds true: it's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission.
ReplyDeleteWhere the hell were her kids while that first paragraph was going on? I hope that "music video" wasn't for R.Kelly.
ReplyDelete@ape: The DSRL is the gift that keeps on giving.
damn, my wife threatens to divorce me every time I fart in bed.
ReplyDeletefirst, chick has a nice rack.
ReplyDeleteso 3k is the going rate for getting crapped on. that's not bad if you can score a few of those week.
this is not what i wanted to come back to lunch to...
ReplyDeleteany other time yes, but after eating???
Sheiiiiiiiiiiiiit
ReplyDeleteOsi Pooponherya
ReplyDelete/I'll show myself out now.
first, chick has a nice rack.
ReplyDeleteThanks for confirming that for us. We had no idea what to think of it!
Eli's a big fan of the suicide girls.
ReplyDeleteWhich magazine do you think he reads while he shits on a woman?
ReplyDelete@devang: "Pooponherya" - I just pissed myself
ReplyDeleteOsi U-manure-a?
ReplyDelete@Camp Tiger Claw +1
ReplyDeleteScheisse World?
Just don't get it in my hair. I just washed it.
ReplyDeleteWhich magazine do you think he reads while he shits on a woman?
ReplyDeleteI imagine it's got to be a fresh copy of that morning's Cleveland Plain Dealer.
I thought it was a 'steamer' trunk. Although using 'steamer' in this thread might be overkill.
ReplyDeletei think the girl who agreed right away is Carman's mom
ReplyDeleteWow, are we talking a solid dump after a healthy meal with lots of fiber and vegetables, or a splattery mess after eating pizza, chips and slugging beer?
ReplyDelete@Otto man - The Journal of the American Gastroenterology Association.
ReplyDelete+1 for grimey
ReplyDeleteAm I completely delusional in that I remember a story about Jerry Springer giving a hooker the "cleveland steamer"?
Ironic thing is, per the terms of their divorce, Michael Strahan's ex gets to poop on him at least twice a week.
ReplyDeleteWhich magazine do you think he reads while he shits on a woman?
ReplyDeleteField and Stream ...I was just...LEAVING!, what a great idea
Triumph wants to know what the big deal is.
ReplyDeleteDon't talk poorly of people until you've put yourself in their shoes. Or in Osi Umenyiora's bathrub. Under his anus. Getting pooped on.
ReplyDeleteI love the juxtaposition of uppity self-righteousness ("I said no because I didn't want to be passed around like that") while simultaneously ceding that she is, in fact, a whore ("He did buy my jewelry"). What a classy broad.
ReplyDeleteTony Romo wants to know what the big deal is? He's been shitting on Dallas fans in the playoffs for two years now. And counting!
ReplyDeleteAnd you have a story about shitting on some ho and no mention of playing Scat-egories?
ReplyDeleteIt's always heartwarming to read about professional athletes who make a difference in others' lives.
ReplyDeleteThe Cleveland Steamer was fine for 3 Gs, but no amount would buy him a Dirty Sanchez.
ReplyDeleteA girl has her standards you know...
Also, How much is a Dirty Sanchez Rookie Card worth?
I call bullshit.
ReplyDelete1) what kind of whore refuses $3000?
2) what kind of whore uses the word "gosh?"
@mrs - There's this crackwhore who lives on the first floor of my apartment and the other day while waiting for the elevator, I heard her screaming to someone, "I ain't no slut! I ain't no slut! I get paid, bitch...I'm a whore!" I always thought they were synonymous.
ReplyDeleteThe point is that there seems to be some weird ethics manual.
Was the "video" 2girls1cup?
ReplyDeleteInstead of doing that fake jump shot that the Giants lineman do after a sack or TFL, they can just pretend to blow ass fudge on a chick's chest.
ReplyDeleteI bet this guy's toilet was relieved for the time off though.
I love in 2008 that whores go to the internet to spread their defecation stories. Awesome. The price of freaky sex seems rather high.
ReplyDelete"And to think, Eli's idea of being kinky is to masturbate with the lights on. Things are different on the other side of the ball, indeed."
ReplyDeleteFucking brilliant.
I could see why he'd want pinch a loaf on her face. Brutal!
ReplyDeleteSince it comes from a blog with such an illustrious legacy, it must be true.
ReplyDeleteI like that her line is urination is OK, but poo is out of the question. Because someone taking a leak on you is kinda like having sex, it involves the same organ, but poo... nuh-uh, no way.
And she took her kids with her to Atlanta. What a good mom. My mom usually wouldn't even let us go to the grocery store with her. Bitch.
@ slideshow bob
ReplyDelete+1
I'm surprised you didn't get more love for that comment.
On that tangent, who on The Wire would deal with this...shit? I bet Rhonda does.
Osi you are the sexiest nigga alive. You can shit on me for free anytime you want!
ReplyDelete