Yesterday Drew offered up this hatchet piece offering a modest bounty to the NFL player who successfully delivered a season-ending knee-injury to Tom Brady.
I, for one, disapprove of such an undertaking. Not only do I suspect that such a measure is illegal, but it also gets in the way of what is truly best for the NFL:
That's right, I'm cheering for the Patriots. I want them to go 19-0 while cameras cut to the 1972 Dolphins crying. I want them to go 19-0 next year, too, so the cameras can cut to the '72 Dolphins parked in a closed garage with the engine running. In fact, I'd like to see the Pats win the next three or four or eight Super Bowls.
I'm not a bandwagon fan; I'm an anarchist.
I'm rooting for the Pats the way I root for tornadoes in the town where I went to high school. I root for them the way I cheer sharks on the Discovery Channel, the way I want Entourage to get renewed for ten more seasons, and the way I cheered gravity in Titanic when the people fell the length of the boat and hit the smokestacks on their way down.
I want the boiling point. I want pandemonium. I want the destruction of everything we know. I want Patriots fans to become more insufferable than Steelers fans and Cowboys fans combined. I want civil war.
I picture a world where the handful of intelligent, humble people from New England have to apologize for liking their hometown team. I want the number of Patriots bandwagon fans to make the Yankees' fan base look like the Marlins'. I want the contrarian fucks at Slate to be right just this once. I want every other NFL team to be the Washington Generals to Brady and Belichick's Harlem Globetrotters.
Why? Because fuck your stupid sports arguments, that's why.
I want the people who've been ruining my new-NFL-season buzz by bitching and moaning about CameraGate to live with the fact that the New England Patriots' tyranny was caused by their bitching. Yeah, that's right: everybody who's been talking about putting an asterisk by the Pats' three Super Bowl wins, how they're cheaters for life, how they're just like Barry Bonds... do you know what you people are? You're Seahawks fans still bitching about Super Bowl XL.
Let that sink in for a minute.
So Tom Brady, you keep those knees healthy. Be sure to stretch a lot. Fuck some more models if you think that helps. And please, find a way to get a little more press coverage -- we simply can't get enough of you. GO PATS!
WHOA, someone get CC 800 cc's of snatch, quick.
ReplyDeleteNow that is how you channel Ed Norton from '25th hour'
ReplyDeleteYeah, because that's what this world needs . . . Brady at midfield putting on a Yankee cap while being given another Super Bowl trophy.
ReplyDeleteThat's not anarchy, that's the apocalypse.
Actually, now that I think about it. CCs plan combined with a jammq ending would be sweet.
ReplyDeleteImagine red sox hatian and the patsies fans combining to become one super sports nation. Brady would be King, Bill Simmons would be head of the Ministry of Information ("No, the Americans do not have tanks on the streets of bagdad, we have crushed them"). Under that type of senario there are way to many delicious endings.
Star Wars
The Crying Game
Pretty Woman (BS in the roll as Julia Roberts)
And the list goes on...
"$20 bucks for the guy who DDoS attacks With Leather." - Cowherd
ReplyDeletemore Entourage !
ReplyDeleteDid you steal this argument from Dane Cook?
ReplyDeleteFucking genius. But you left out the part about how the Dynasty 3.0 surfaces 20 years from now, composed solely of Brady's super-powered, model-infused spawn.
ReplyDeleteI couldn't have said it better myself. Well done sir.
ReplyDeletepolite golf applause
ReplyDeleteDid you steal this argument from Dane Cook?
ReplyDeleteOuch.
I'd rather have the '72 Dolphins skullfuck me then have Brady go undefeated through the year.
ReplyDeleteAnd that's an understatement.
Why do you hate America?
ReplyDeleteDid you steal this argument from Dane Cook?
ReplyDeleteMaybe, but it's not like Dane Cook hadn't stolen it from someone else first.
Did you steal this argument from Dane Cook?
ReplyDeleteMaybe, but it's not like Dane Cook hadn't stolen it from someone else first.
ZING!
"I want Patriots fans to become more insufferable than Steelers fans and Cowboys fans combined. I want civil war."
ReplyDeleteUmmm...I'm pretty sure that happened a couple years ago
Hold up there chief. Let's get one thing straight.
ReplyDeleteFucking more models ALWAYS helps.
I do cheer for the sharks on the Discovery Channel, so you won me over. Go Pats!
ReplyDeleteWe didn't lose Super Bowl XL because of the refs. We lost because Matt Hasselbeck doesn't like to pass to the sidelines.
ReplyDeleteThat said, eat a dick.
CC, I typically like your posts here and on With Leather, but quite frankly, you either need a shot of Woo-Tang really badly or you're just trying to piss us off with this Patriots crap.
ReplyDeleteIt's not enough that the league conspired to give us these "humble champs" after they robbed the Raiders in the tuck game. NOOOOO... Now you are cheering for these insufferable dipshits to go 95-0 for the next 5 years???
Maybe you should cheer for the Packers to win the SB so that we can hear how Brett "The Last Gunslinger" Favre went out on top like a true American hero (with This is MYYYY CUUNTRRRYYY blasting in the background).
My response to you sir on this post is FUCK and NO.
/smokes some weed to calm down
I just love the Tagline "defensible Positions"
ReplyDeleteThat being said, Smeo and Jackin t get it.
"Indefensible position" goddamit!
ReplyDeleteI knew this was a Caveman piece from the out-of-nowhere slam on Slate magazine. Take that, liberal media!
ReplyDeleteYou were foolish to think his knee was vulnerable to attack in the first place.
ReplyDeleteThetis held him by the chin when she dipped him in the river Styx.
I just like being angry...like Donovan McNabb.
ReplyDeleteMore insufferable than Steelers fans?
ReplyDeleteNow that's just crazy talk.
"Seahawks fans still bitching about Super Bowl XL"
ReplyDeleteor Raiders fans from '01