At a glance, this week's commenter draft looks remarkably, and deceptively, easy. I mean, you or I could fuck up our careers irreparably with little more than a stray "all staff" e-mail (that's the last time you forward your coworker one of Punter's posts) or even a good cupping of the secretary's glorious tits.
Upon reaching a certain threshold of fame, however, and the normal rules cease to apply. As is increasingly the case, one must put together a menu of faux pax and fuck-uppery to jeopardize one's career. Singular incidents often just won't do.
Killed someone? Not even a fellow celebrity? That's too fucking pedestrian. Ray Lewis kills at least three people before lunch EVERY DAY, including July 4th and Satan's birthday. Fucked some kids? I'm pretty sure I saw Michael Jackson performing on some network special the other week. Hate the Jews? Well, yes, I thought Apocalypto was a decent flick.
Not so simple, huh?
Even more recent examples, such as Pacman Jones and Michael Vick - aka "Ron Mexico," aka "Ookie," aka "Lionel Hutz," aka "Miguel Sanchez" - had to assemble a slate of improprieties. Vick prefaced the fallout of Bad Newz Kennels with an offseason of stoner high jinx. But where his true genius lie was messing with animals. People care about adorable little critters more than their fellow man. Know why we're still in Iraq? Easy. No cute animals there - camels are fucking ugly. China poses an economic threat to us but, hey, they got pandas.
The rules. You're an A-list celebrity at the peak of your career. Pick a deed or statement that could deep-six your fame quicksville. And by that, I don't mean something that will bump you down a peg in stardom or dog you for a few years. I mean "you will never work in this or any town again" type of shit. You must wait 10 picks to make another pick. There is some room for overlap. If you take away all the major heinous crimes in the first five picks, there isn't much left to work with. Serial jaywalking probably wouldn't hurt your career too badly. Having said that, try to be creative about it.
My pick is shooting the President of the United States.
A quick disclaimer so I don't get sent to Gitmo: I HAVE NO PLANS TO ACTUALLY DO THIS. Besides, I can't shoot anyone due to the crippling arthritis in my index fingers from Space Invaders in 1977.Neither should this be taken as a political statement on my part. I'd like to shot most politicians regardless of ideology. Rather, I figure it's the surest, fastest way to ruin your public image. I don't remember Charles Guiteau going platinum after he killed President Garfield.
I'm gonna go for sex with a minor (hey, it worked for Mark Chumura, right?)....let's say, with Urban Meyer's daughter?
ReplyDeleteI'll take it literally, think of myself as anyone working in hollywood, and proceed to take a big shit on harvey weinstein's desk, with harvey watching. I'd settle for shitting on michael bay, but weinstein's more the 'you'll never work in this town again!' figure.
ReplyDeleteDoing a line of blow off Lindsay Lohan's ass.
ReplyDeleteI really don't think that would deep-six my career, but damn, would that be fun.
ReplyDeleteFYI, there are some really really cute puppies in Iraq, i dont know where they come from. but it really sucks when you have to see them put down behind the makeshift prison.
ReplyDeleteI would bang high price hookers until people stop liking me. I get to bang hot girls for a fee, and I deep six....sweet.
ReplyDeleteTwo in the head and one in the chest - for Bear Grylls. I'd tpae and then fondle his dead corpse all the while singing the Muffin Man song. It would be a YouTube hit.
ReplyDeleteDrew would murder greg schuler.
ReplyDeleteBeing caught in flagrente engaged in beastialty with Ookie's recovering-but-still maimed dogs while simultaneously chatting with Osama bin Laden about his tastes in kiddie porn.
ReplyDeleteThat should do it.
Pulling a John Rocker does the rare double-shot of keeping your name in the papers, but keeping everyone from speaking to you with any sense of respect for the rest of your life.
ReplyDeleteTriple Word Score.
I'd hang Mickey Mouse
ReplyDeleteI'd impregnate Britney Spears.
ReplyDeleteWait... that might help my career.
Stampede Cattle....
ReplyDeleteThrough the Vatican
become grand wizard of KKK; write actual books employing all of the titles used by Clayton Bigsby.
ReplyDeleteNothing says “career death” like a necrophiliac-pedophiliac orgy with the clergy.
ReplyDeleteMy turn again: I'm gonna say joining the Church of Scientology, and then going on the Today Show and Oprah to discuss.
ReplyDeleteDC Sniper style attacks on a random town
ReplyDeleteI would champion a cause demanding greater influence for hollywood's heterosexual arabs.
ReplyDeletedoing work on myself using a picture of my boss' underage daughter, or for that matter, just doing my boss' underage daughter
ReplyDeletei would begin to publicly endorse crack, and i would buy a tv ad during the fucking half time show to do it.
ReplyDeleteeither that or heroin, and i would play nervana in the backround.
ReplyDeleteDo a movie with Kevin Costner or J-Lo
ReplyDeleteRip up a picture of the Pope on SNL. Or, in the alternative, rip up a picture of the President on Bill O'Reilly.
ReplyDeleteRape the Queen Mother.
ReplyDelete(sometimes simple is best people)
killing an ex-wife or girlfriend should do the trick. just ask o.j., i mean if o.j. was guilty.
ReplyDeletesign on for a pilot on NBC. It'd be gone after three episodes and if not, no one would be watching anyway
ReplyDelete"Accidentally" shoot a friend in the face while on a "hunting" trip.
ReplyDeleteWhat, that doesn't work? Hmm I'll try again later..
Land a starring role on According to Jim.
ReplyDeleteI would light Brandon Flowers on fire on live Television, say SNL or you know a program people actually watch, and then laugh and say, "Hey everyone, look at this flaming mormon poseur. You thought growing a mustache and cranking the Springsteen up to medium would lead to instant credibility? Let's see Xenu save you now."
ReplyDeleteProduce a film version of Ape's plot, with Grossman in the leading role: "Sic Semper Tyrannis Motherfucker, now where's Manny at?
ReplyDeleteI would go an a USO tour and tell the troops that they've brought this all on themselves.
ReplyDeleteI'd sign on to coach the Redskins.
ReplyDeleteAn easy way to end my career would be running the NFL right into the ground.
ReplyDeleteCan't I just start a blog?
ReplyDeleteExpress my undying love for Courtney Love and marry her.
ReplyDelete+1 a lot of people.
ReplyDeleteI'd go on a hobo-murdering spree. People wouldn't mind at first, but I figure by the time I'd killed several dozen or maybe a hundred, the law would catch up with me. I'd be the Charles Manson of cool people.
The Chief is running away with this.
ReplyDeleteI would urinate from an overpass onto traffic while screaming the N-word.
I would publicly, loudly and at every opportunity proclaim 1) my deep love of buttsex with white women and 2) my deep hatred of the white man.
ReplyDeleteSay fuck you to Bob Barker and never spay or neuter my pets. And I'd let them roam free in the countryside to make a population of household puppies that cannot be controlled.
ReplyDeleteTake up a loud, high-profile media campaign urging Sotheby's to auction off my collection of little shoes.
ReplyDeleteFind my way on "To Catch a Predator" - Then stab the host of the show.
ReplyDeleteIf I were a respected journalist, I would appear on ESPN's Who's Now segments.
ReplyDeleteI would strap bombs to the 10 highest roller coasters in America and detonate them at their peak.
ReplyDeleteThis is especially cool because many of the tallest coasters are in Sandusky, Ohio. Which means I am also cleaning up the gene pool.
I would release a sex/rape tape with Rosie O'Donnell.
ReplyDeleteI feel dirty for typing that.
GM of the Knicks.
ReplyDeleteI would smuggle a pickaxe into Disney World, loudly mine deep within the Matterhorn until I found the frozen head of Walt Disney, then use it as a hand puppet to re-enact the Mel Gibson arrest.
ReplyDeleteurinate on oprah
ReplyDeleteChange my name to Bill Simmons
ReplyDeleteCommissioner of the NHL.
ReplyDeleteYou know those "Do Not Remove Under the Penalty of Law" labels they put on mattresses?
ReplyDeleteWell I'd cut one of them off!
win an oscar for writing a great movie with Robin Williams in it and then make Gigli.
ReplyDelete/ben affleck
caveman,
ReplyDeletei don't think murdering hobo's is technically "career suicide". much like midgets and asians, hobos are born without a soul so its not, technically, the same as killing a regular person. some might even applaud your effort.
as for me, i want to go out in style like my man kendall coffey.
I would write a children's book railing against the abolition of slavery, women's suffrage, and the prosecution of NAMBLA members.
ReplyDeleteI'd fire my agent, publicist, and everyone who has protected me from myself since I was a kid. Look how well it worked for Britney Spears, Kelly Clarkson, Mike Vick, Mel Gibson, Tom Cruise, etc.
ReplyDeleteI'll try to buy the Chicago Cubs.
ReplyDeletejerk off on the pope (this time not at his request)
ReplyDeleteOn a press junket for my latest movie/book/whatever, announce my endorsement of a new chain of Old World-style abortion clinics, and that I'll be on-hand to administer the inaugural bleach and Lysol blasts.
ReplyDeleteI would join the John McCain campaign.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't stand for the star-spangled banner before a basketball game.
ReplyDeletePublicly endorse terrorism (in 2001-2002)
ReplyDeletePublicly endorse fighting terrorism (today)
Drummer for Spinal Tap
ReplyDeletei would live my life exactly like Tom Sizemore
ReplyDelete+1 jonah
ReplyDelete@Ghost of Carl Monday: Gigli was excellent as a drinking game. Here's the rules: 1. Drink while it sucks. That's it. Best night ever.
ReplyDeleteNext pick:
Go into hiding after my new video series, "Cat Juggling," leaks onto YouTube
Go fuck yourself, Planet Earth.
ReplyDeleteI would give my children controversial names like, "Holocaust D. Nyer," "Sweet Jen Ocyde," and "Scott Baio II"
ReplyDeleteContinually host partis with just boy scouts, alter boys, scout masters, priests and Michael Jackson. if that doesn't work, videotape myself eating baby seal burgers in front of one-handed kids in a Chinese sweat shop.
ReplyDeleteSex change operation. So simple, yet oh-so-taboo.
ReplyDeleteForce anorexics to fight eachother on video making the loser eat a box of raisins.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure of the details exactly but I see myself as being caught in acts where I am the gimp from pulp fiction, maybe I will be doing them to puppies, I don't know, there is alot to work out when trying to destroy my career
ReplyDeleteStart a foundation that raises money to thwart the fight against juvenile diabetes.
ReplyDeletetake a train and eat it, piece by piece.... after I've derailed it with my penis
ReplyDelete@ pemulis: it was for charity!
ReplyDeleteMove to Oakland.
ReplyDeleteOrchestrate a merger between UNICEF and Smith & Wesson
ReplyDeleteId steal one of Ahnold's hummers and drive down the red carpet at the Oscars, plowing through everybody.
ReplyDelete"Fuck you, Helen Mirren! Eat Shit, Sean Penn. You robbed Bill Murray of his only chance for an Oscar."
Hold a public reading of the last chapter of the last Harry Potter book at noon today.
ReplyDeleteI might get shot for that before finished, actually.
I would adopt babies from far away lands, but insist they be shipped UPS Ground.
ReplyDeleteWatch John Kerry. Do that.
ReplyDeleteExterminate the Aryan race.
ReplyDeleteI'd try to sabotage The Big Lead by mentioning them on my crappy radio show.
ReplyDeleteaccept jesus christ as my personal savior
ReplyDeleteclaim that slaves were bred to produce bigger and stronger off-spring therefore explaining why african-americans are better athletes than white. what, wait? already done, nevermind.
ReplyDeletestart my own new sports league, a la Mark Cuban. The USSCL: The United States Seal Clubbing League.
ReplyDeleteAnd then I'd blog about it non-stop.
actually, in retrospect, that sounds like a pretty sweet gig
ReplyDeleterelease my jon benet ramsey post-mortem sex tape.
ReplyDeletemarry tom cruise
ReplyDeleteTake a break from show business to become a chair at Liberty University.
ReplyDeleteStart touting myself as the next Bono by proclaiming I am going to bring vaccinations to Africa. However, I would fill the neeedles with AIDS, syphilis and cyanogen chloride, you know... just to be sure.
ReplyDeleteGet caught selling uranium to North Koreas. And by "get caught", I mean "open a bargain-basement chain store in which all the world's violent extremists can stock up on their deadly devices. Want explosions? We've got depleted uranium in a child's sippy cup! Fancy a more eco-friendly method of murder? We've just got some cases of super-virulent smallpox! It comes in Pepsi cans, so as a practical joke at work, shake it up and hand it to a thirsty coworker, then laugh as he and half of your city dies a horrible death!"
ReplyDeleteActually, that last part sounds like a fucking awesome practical joke.
@pemulis - Okay. Have you ever dressed up like a lady of affluence, gone to a fancy downtown eatery, picked up a rich guy, seduced him, and made him wanna *marry* you?
ReplyDeletehttp://www.unoriginal.com/mrshow/3_4.html
I'd date rape Katie Couric
ReplyDeleteSo, I've pissed off the Left with my John Rocker impression. I've pissed off the Right by ripping up a photo of the president on Fox News. I've pissed off the rich by starting a blog. I've pissed off the poor by firing my handlers and acting like a jerkoff. I've pissed off everyone else by getting a sex change.
ReplyDeleteNow I'll just become an American Soccer Player and no one will ever hear from me again. Victory is mine.
Cross the border with a solid pound of blow and then impregnate a Mexican hooker.
ReplyDeleteIf that didn't work I would just get a role in Two and a Half Men.
I'd call Al Sharpton a nappy headed ho.
ReplyDeleteLet budding basketball star Shaquille O'Neal rap on "What's up Doc? (Can we Rock)"
ReplyDeletei would join the Heaven's Gate cult.
ReplyDeletehttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heavens_Gate
I'd either have my "romantic abnormality" exposed during one of my daily trips to the aquarium, or else I'd put all my energy into a own pet project: The Contrabulous
ReplyDeleteFabtraption of Professor Horatio Hufnagel.
Raping tards. Done and done.
ReplyDeleteLeave my wife a voicemail that says "You dead dawg. I ain't even bullshitting. Your kids too"
ReplyDeleteVideotaped sex with an animal...prefereably an aquatic one Bestiality kills careers, right Troy McClure?
ReplyDeleteSex with Lady Bird Johnson.
ReplyDeleteHating children, old people and especially dogs.
ReplyDeleteI would use my fame to call attention to the plight of sweatshop owners across the globe.
ReplyDeletei hate you, otto man.
ReplyDeleteMake it rain at a middle school girls soccer game.
ReplyDeleteI would be a producer of a movie starring, Shaq, J-Lo, Barbara Striesand, and It would be a sci-fi action hero romantic comedy.
ReplyDeleteMove to L.A. to become a writer for the Jimmy Kimmel show, but give it all up to spend more time with Sully, House, SportsGal and The Dooze.
ReplyDeleteIf I were an actor, I would come out and openly diss the jews and question if the holocaust really happened. And I wouldn't do it the pussy Mel Gibson way..like where you don't really come out and say it. I'd be on Oprah talking about how the jews are whiny pussies. And then I'd stab Oprah. That should do it.
ReplyDeleteThe Holiday Monkey wins again.
ReplyDeleteI'd make a racial slur about people from Quebec...it was good enough to almost get Shane Doan kicked off the Candian National team...
ReplyDeleteI'd make a shot-for-shot remake of Dolemite, starring me...in blackface.
ReplyDeletei would marry madonna.
ReplyDeleteDespite being white, I would refer to myself as a member of the Nation of Islam and constantly blame the white devils, pissing off white people AND black people.
ReplyDeleteCock-fighting.
ReplyDeleteNo animals involved, just my cock.
When asked why I wear a red ribbon on my lapel, I will explain it's to show support for 'all the fruits getting Aids from their uncontrollable need for anonymous buttsex'
ReplyDeleteSet up dogfights in my house. Well, not really my house, I mean, its in my name but my family is ussing it. I don't even really visit it that much.
ReplyDeleteOh and I never leave home without my weed-bottle, fuckers at the airport will never see that shit coming.
I would live in the shadow of my more talented brother. Pull a gun on a couple of minors in a Mickey D's parking lot. Fuck a 14 year old, seduce her with drugs, and try to get her to "fuck the crew". Stomp on an opposing player's knee during the Gator Bowl. Get kicked out of Virginia Tech for amassing a very healthy criminal record, whilst starting for a BCS college team. Go undrafted, sign with the Dolphins for the league minimum, play one quarter of the season, and get released just in time to watch my brother's career flush down the shitter.
ReplyDelete@Ben...
ReplyDeletegood, but, would have been great if it was "Roots"
Sorry, dick. The post's author took his name from a Troy McClure flick, and it was only a matter of time before one of us connected the dots.
ReplyDeleteAnd Ape, Charlie Giteau may not have made a hit record about the Garfield assassination, but Johnny Cash did.
john s. -- agreed, Roots is better.
ReplyDeleteBring back the minstrel show! Except instead of parading around in blackface, I'd wear an actual black man's face. Hilarity ensues.
ReplyDeleteNuke my lucrative film and media superstardom in the name of promoting my fascination with giantess porn. Liquidate assets in making extremely graphic Bollywood epics about fifty-foot women who let six-foot tall men make love to them.
ReplyDeleteLike Vincent Gallo, but only cleaner because Chloe "Madd Herpz" Sevigny is not involved.
Hiring Matt Millen to make all career decisions should work.
ReplyDeleteBecome a KSK commenter.
ReplyDeleteSkip Bayliss, right now, is wearing a jacket with a turquoise tee-shirt underneath.
ReplyDeleteGo apeshit at a McDonald's and punch a small child in the face.
ReplyDeleteThe Rosie O'Donnell sex tape one made me quake with fear. What if there really is one of those? If that ever comes out, I think the living will envy the dead.
Have some hot steamy gay sex with charlie weis...and put the video on youtube.
ReplyDeletesponsor the world's largest furry convention and become their spokesman.
ReplyDeleteAppear in Osama Bin Laden's next home movie.
ReplyDeletepay for a marketing campaign to bring the word "niggardly" back into the national lexicon
ReplyDeleteChange my name to Yusaf Islam and then announce I'd personally carry out the fatwah on Salman Rushdie.
ReplyDeleteCockfight-Mania I Main Event
ReplyDeleteOtto Man vs. Brady Quinn
Undercard: Tom Brady vs. Jeff Garcia and Peyton Manning vs. Peter King
Buy a Superbowl add with me describing my bowel movements for 60 seconds, alternately reading Drew's towel story and taking it as my own.
ReplyDelete@otto man, will there be a tag team match of peyton manning-kenny chesney vs. jeff garcia-chris simms ?
ReplyDeleteClaim the ending for the final episode of the Sopranos as my idea.
ReplyDeleteSince we are allowed some overlap and someone already mentioned this, allow me to expand on the idea:
ReplyDeleteShow up on To Catch a Predator with a 12 inch double-sided dildo (black), box of chardonay, and pocket full of slim-fits and extacy with a unicorn stamp.
I'd try to explain myself like the rest of the douche bags by saying I thought the wine was just a big juice box, the condoms were balloons to make balloon animals and the extacy were Smarties. Then we'd both awkwardly look at the dildo, I'd realize their was no way out, pop the extasy and enjoy the brutal take down and interrogation process that was to follow.
But that's just what I'd do.
@otto man, will there be a tag team match of peyton manning-kenny chesney vs. jeff garcia-chris simms ?
ReplyDeleteSure, I'm taking on all comers.
Zing!
Apropos of absolutely nothing, but I figure it'd be appreciated somewhat here:
ReplyDeleteSo, I was on the Greyhound last night from Toronto to New York, and in Buffalo, this full-out thug gets on and sits next to me. But he's humming to himself and occasionally squawking and whatnot, and, after some careful observation, I realize that he's autistic. This is a strange enough combination to begin with.
But then he kicks things up a notch: he takes off the jersey he's wearing, and I see that it's a plain white Mike Vick Virginia Tech jersey ... which he then proceeds to colour in *entirely* with bright yellow highlighters.
I ... really have no explanation for this.
@jordan ginsberg, you might want to rent a car next time and i'm not surprised the guy got on the bus in buffalo.
ReplyDeleteThe Maurice Jones-Drew of this draft...Six simple words, "I'm not gay, but i'll learn".
ReplyDeletei would carry around my "lucky pillowcase full of decomposing kittens" everywhere i go.
ReplyDeleteGet caught sitting in a tree at a high school girl's track meet wearing only a trench coat and a pair of binoculars.
ReplyDeleteReenact the Trail of Tears with hookers. 4000 decomposing bodies? Why yes, I'd like free sex.
ReplyDeleteI'd lure the paparazzi to Mother Theresa's grave, dig her up, then fuck her.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't even talk to me after that.
Maybe not career suicide but a dumb fucking idea: make a video game like Def Jam but instead of rappers fighting each other have 90 lbs. indie rockers brawling.
ReplyDeleteSufjan Stevens vs. Thom Yorke
Jeff Mangum vs. Jeff Tweedy
The Decemberists vs. Belle and Sebastian
Sara vs. Tegan.
Lamest idea ever? Hopefully.
smoothvanillapocketrocket,
ReplyDeleteMake it Gandhi.
Utter the phrase "You know I think that Chris Benoit was a great man, and I see what he was trying to do."
ReplyDeleteI would host a pay-per-view special starring myself and Kimbo Slice. In the special, I would pay Kimbo escalating sums of money to ambush likeable celebrities and royally fuck them up. John Stewart, Conan O'Brien, Mandy Moore, George Clooney, and Dakota Fanning all make the list. After Kimbo does his thang, I shit in their mouths. For our encore....The Pope.
ReplyDeleteGet my ass kicked by Jon Lovitz.
ReplyDeleteGet my ass kicked by Tommy Hilfiger.
ReplyDeleteStart a sports blog and talk about how much I enjoy 'Who's Now'.
ReplyDeleteawful chief for the win with Matt Millen.
ReplyDeleteIn that vein, I hire Marty Mornhinweg as my coach.
I'd dress up as Marilyn Monroe and sing Happy Birthday Mr. President on JFK's grave while chugging a bottle of Chivas. When I'm done drinking, I'd smash the bottle on the headstone and walk away muttering something about Ted Kennedy being a bloated whale.
ReplyDeletefor my last act, i would kill off a few endangered species. that would get a few hollywood types all pissed off.
ReplyDeletePiss Eminem and 50 Cent off.... watch in horror as their next albums get devoted to destroying my entire soul and being.
ReplyDeleteStart up the National Seal Clubbing league to rival Ghost of Carl's USSCL.
ReplyDeleteI'd trust Clay Davis to approve my condominium project.
ReplyDeleteProduce and direct a movie starring Robin Williams as the priest who died at the WTC, only it's a comedy and Robin plays the priest wacky-style. Until he dies. But then he haunts all the firefighters and cops and whatnot in the years following 9/11, with wacky ghost priest hijinks. I might throw Dakota Fanning in there as the only living person who can see him and Rosie O'Donnell is the plain-talking nun the child confides in.
ReplyDeleteHaven't got a title yet. Suggestions are welcome, if anybody has nothing better to do.
@Jason:
ReplyDeleteThanks. I'm sure Marty will work out well for you, taking the wind in whatever the equivalent of a coin toss is in your celebrity career.
I'd print anti-Muslim and Mohammed bashing stories and drawings, making it abundantly clear that all Americans think their god and religion are gay retards.
ReplyDeletePutting all U.S. citizens in constant peril should get me blacklisted, right?
Go on a drunken spree with a backhoe on a levee in New Orleans. My pick would be the 17th Street Canal...
ReplyDelete@ slash
ReplyDelete9/11 Heaven?
2nd pick: obtain United States constitution, burn it, and go pee on the ashes. while wearing a french flag as a cape.
ReplyDeleteProduce and distribute the sequel to BATTLEFIELD EARTH. Somehow incorporate Challenger footage w/o permission. Not as flamboyant as going after politicos but it keeps my dick intact while fully accomplishing the mission.
ReplyDeleteStab two guys to death after a Super Bowl party. Hmmm...no, didn't work for Ray Lewis. How about star in an Eastern Motors commercial?
ReplyDeletesex tape with osama.
ReplyDelete"9/11 Heaven" is pretty good. I was trying to think of something to go with "Ground Zero," but couldn't think of anything offensive enough.
ReplyDeleteI'd convince Chloë Sevigny to blow me on camera while I auctioned off my sperm on my personal website with the disclaimer of "no black chicks," and when Roger Ebert doesn't like my film I'd wish cancer upon which he would actually get in an odd turn of events.
ReplyDelete/Vincent Gallo
I really do like the guy though. Not his movies or acting but Gallo's dickishness is inspiring.
Do a Disney Movie with Vin Diesel and the guy from Everybody Loves Raymond...
ReplyDelete@ slash
ReplyDeleteGround Zero: A Robin Williams Joint.
I'd trust Clay Davis to approve my condominium project.
ReplyDeleteShiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
I would call a press conference, announce that I've become a born-again Christian, and read my favorite Bible verse. In the middle I would whip it out and wack it all over the Bible. Did I mention the children that I would've brought on stage with me? How else could I get it up?
ReplyDeleteThat would probably screw you with just about everyone ever. I'll be staggering down the streets of San Diego chugging hot milk in no time.
Or did I just commit commenter suicide?
ReplyDeleteYou can survive anything on Washington short of being caught with a dead girl, or a live boy.
ReplyDeleteI would get really, really into human traffic. I'd buy as many slaves as I could afford, and make no attempt to hide it. In fact, I'd discuss my slaves every chance I got. Then, at trial, I'd plead not guilty because "I didn't know it was illegal."
ReplyDeleteWhatever I did, I wouldn't apologize for, go to rehab or seek counseling. I'd admit I did it and have no regrets.
ReplyDeleteI called that person a a fag.
Those baby seals deserved to be clubbed.
I won't get in the elevator with a black person if I am by myself.
It's not necessarily what you, because there is someone out there that agrees with what you did (openly or not). It's how you handle what you did.
Sure, I shot Bear Grylls and fondled his dead body and sent pictures to certain people. And I'm not one bit sorry.
And for all those people planning murderous sprees - Henry Mudgett says you better do it right.
ReplyDeleteOne sick fucker
I'd go Fatty Arbuckle on everyone's mom with a special focus on the old and infirm.
ReplyDeleteMy motto will be:
"Mo' helpless, mo' better!"
RE "Ground Zero: A Robin Williams Joint"
ReplyDeleteSwing and a miss. I would like to find some way to combine "Ground Zero" and a religious reference (but still on topic) so as to offend as many as possible. Something stupidly offensive like "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry" or "License to Wed." Does it help to know that the priest who died at Ground Zero was also gay? There's gotta be a way to offend everyone with all that - gayness, Ground Zero, Robin Williams, religon. I'm just not smart enough to figure it out....
make it a musical and call it "ground scherzo"
ReplyDelete@ slash
ReplyDeleteOne more try:
Ground Zero: The Backdoor Shenanigans of a Power-Crazed God.
@Slash: Ground Rear-oh: Starring Robin Williams and Nathan Lane as the wacky crossdressing Mayor Rudy Giuliani.
ReplyDeleteI didn't even think about making it a musical, but that might work even better. Rosie could sing a song about being a bride of Christ, Robin could sing about being a gay priest (the possibilities there are almost endless), we could have firefighters and other rescue workers singing about lung diseases at Ground Zero. Giuliani could have a cameo and just sing "9/11" over and over again... Maybe it could be as simple as "Ground Zero: The Musical."
ReplyDeleteI kinda hate myself right now for typing that....
Ok, I changed my mind, "Ground Rear-Oh" is better...
ReplyDeleteI clearly don't watch enough porn, or some variation of "Rear" would have occurred to me right away...
ReplyDeleteGood Morning, Bin Laden?
ReplyDeleteMrs. Structurefire?
ReplyDeleteDead Poets Society?
ReplyDeleteNot to get back ON topic, but here's my career ender: After winning an Oscar for my brilliant portrayal as a retarded magical negro (better luck next year, Cuba Gooding Jr. you punk), I mention in my acceptance speech my "pet cause": the re-enslavement of blacks in America, peppering in a number of misinterpreted Biblical references as my rational for my position. Then I piss on Morgan Freeman's head as the music swells.
ReplyDeleteNot entirely original, but I'd kidnap daughters of famous/rich people, keep them in my basement dungeon until I kill them, then peel off their skin and wear it over my own. Then I'll videotape my fat male body covered in the skin of a dead naked chick, and post it on YouTube.
ReplyDeleteIf only Buffalo Bill thought of that.....
I'd bring sexy back to Darfur.
ReplyDeleteK, back to Celebrity Career Suicide: again as a producer/director, I'd locate a shoot in some shithole third-world country and hire only locals and pay them $5 a day (none of this union wage shit) to work. One of the stunts would be super-dangerous, so a couple of them would get killed, but it's alright because over there, you can easily buy off a poor family with a couple of goats.
ReplyDeleteAgain, this movie would star Robin Williams and Rosie O'Donnell (they get in front of a blue screen for all their shots, so they don't know about the third-world crap until the movie comes out) as a married couple on vacation in, say, Afghanistan. Hilarious hijinks ensue. And yes, there's an explicit sex scene.
Get caught in bed with Salmon Rushdie. I hear he's a giver.
ReplyDeleteI'd pull an early-90s Red Hot Chili Peppers, and go onstage wearing only socks.
ReplyDeleteSocks, my cat.
admit that i listen to the drop kick murphys. that is a secret for me and my car.
ReplyDeleteI would penetrate every female in Norby's family...I bet he would hate that shit (wouldn't you)?
ReplyDeleteConfess to overdosing Terrell Owens. Use 'gay panic defense' to avoid jail time.
ReplyDelete@rick muscles
ReplyDeletelistening to dropkick is not something to hide, bright eyes on the other hand...
p.s. i get to see dropkick murphys for free because big drunk concerts is the only thing Buffalo does right (aside from having The U alum knock up teachers).
@casserole mistake:
ReplyDeletethe only bright eyes song i like is road to joy. me and my cd player keep that a secret, also.