I love you folks, the fine readers of this here site. I really do. But sometimes you people make me so mad I want to have Robert Blake shoot you and then cover it up.
The keeper league contest entires have come in. Some have been lovely (Thanks, Sarah!), but most have been putrid. It’s almost lamer than the fucking Hot Blogger contest. I was going to do your family a favor and install the Disney Channel for free. Well, forget it. Some quick correctives.
-DO NOT send us your fucking whole personal fantasy football history. We don’t fucking care.
-DO NOT send us blog entries you already wrote. Only WE get to recycle our old shit. I ain’t clicking thru to SHIT.
-DO NOT send us pictures of your truck. It’s a truck. I don’t fucking care about trucks. Send your truck photo to Bob fucking Seger.
-DO NOT send us entries over 250 words. The whole point of this blog is to avoid ACTUAL reading. Your endless manifestos are useless against us. I won’t even read the topic sentence. You did include a topic sentence, DIDN’T YOU?!
-DO NOT send us photos of yourself in drag if you can’t pull it off.
-DO NOT send us your shitty MS Paint jobs. It only reminds us of our own artistic shortcomings.
-DO NOT preliminarily declare yourself the winner when you submit your entry. You aren’t as awesome as you think, dickface.
Now, I’m always one for positive reinforcement. That’s why the lovely Lucy Pinder graces the top of this post. Some suggestions:
-DO send us embarrassing stories about NFL players, writers, and broadcasters. I don’t even care if they’re true. We haven’t had a decent tip since Rex Grossman got plastered before the Super Bowl. Or did he?
-DO send us anything that embarrasses Chris Berman or Bill Simmons.
-DO send us a photo of Grosssman in a Sex Cannon shirt. (Pull this off for real and you’re the instant winner)
-DO find creative ways to incorporate KSK thinking into the outside world, with photographic proof of such shenanigans. You can create so many different messages with a chain link fence over a highway and 1,000 tennis balls. If you didn’t even have to leave your office chair to create your entry, then you fucking failed.
-DO send t-shirt designs that improve on our god-awful work.
-DO make fun of Ufford.
-DO send great photoshops involving Vick, Tank, Pacman and the like.
-DO make yourself useful. Don’t make us thrash you.
You have until June 30th. kissingsuzykolber@gmail.com. Razzle dazzle us, people.
UPDATE: And DON'T send us porn. You almost got Ape fired. And no one likes an angry Ape.
Listen, I don't need you guys to tell me my first entry sucked. Have some patience.
ReplyDeletei'd just like to clarify: my entry (the "wildly perplexing" one) was not made in ms paint. that's straight photoshop skillz. i set the photoshop bar high, what can i say?
ReplyDeleteGod Drew, you're so tough. I don't know if I'm man enough to be in the same fantasy football league as you.
ReplyDeleteDON'T do what Johnny Don't does.
ReplyDeleteI got nothing. I'll just sit back and watch the fun.
ReplyDeleteHoly shit, Lucy Pinder is hot.
ReplyDeleteI don't know whether to waste work time coming up with another application stunt, or just do some one-handed image googling.
I guess I'll have to do both.
Like true stories of NFL coaches wrestling bears? Enjoy.
ReplyDeleteI love it when Drew talks dirty to me.
ReplyDeleteHey, not my fault MMP got voted out.
ReplyDeleteI liked the truck. You can send more trucks, but you probably won't get BDD aka Mr. Salad Fork's vote.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteTSW, I think he's pissed because he was automatically rejected
ReplyDeleteAlso, I've already made fun of Ufford here - http://kissmesuzy.blogspot.com/2007/04/ladies-open-mic.html
ReplyDeleteAnd posted my naked boobs for the SHOTY
So either I get in or you can go eat dick BBD.
Does BBD stand for Big Baby Drew?
ReplyDeleteIf TSW gets in, I will shoot myself.
ReplyDeleteBDD can get as viscious as he wants to after posting that picture of lucy pinder after the half of dozen gay ones.
ReplyDeleteAnyone else notice Lucy Pinder's breasts?
ReplyDeletei sense sarcasm chief, but i'm sure we all noticed them.
ReplyDeletefrom Pinder's Wiki page
ReplyDeleteShe lists some of her dislikes as clowns (especially Pennywise from It), wasps and racism.
Oh my god...she's my fucking soul mate!!!
Well, if it's on Wikipedia, it must be true.
ReplyDeleteMy turnoffs include cloudy days and people who frown. I bet I'll never find a Playmate with similar concerns.
-DO make fun of Ufford.
ReplyDeleteI heard he's TOO handsome.
I love both clowns AND racism. Lucy and I just are not meant to be.
ReplyDeleteBut what of racist clowns? Yucko the clown be crazy HOT.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, Lucy Pinder plays for my team. So BDD, I expect some credit for that one -- otherwise, you can go get yourself testicularly torsed. Its too bad old posts don't count as entries, because that team I assembled is an all-time record-breaker.
ReplyDeleteAnd now that I know you guys don't care about past performance (*cough* 5 championships from 12 leagues last season *cough*), I'll make sure to bring the KSK philosophy to the outside world, and get somebody to photograph me doing it. In fact, since I'm headed to Hong Kong this weekend for six weeks for work, I'll make sure to do something over there. Think they're ready for "Cumslinger" t-shirts and dick jokes? Because shit is about to hit the fan...
wv - hgxqlzgk: Chinese word for "Fuck you, I didn't need to see you shaking your dick at oncoming traffic while wearing a "Sex Cannon" t-shirt"
It is easy enough to find a racist wasp, but, a racist wasp who is a clown? Well, that is a rare bird my friend...
ReplyDeleteMy turn ons: nice smiles, thoughtful conversation and a Woman who can assemble an M-14 blindfolded.
ReplyDeleteMeasurements: 32G–26–34 in.
ReplyDeleteOh my God we're soul mates! Those are my turn-ons!
I heard he's TOO handsome.
ReplyDeleteReally CC? Well, Someone doesn't think so
a racist wasp who is a clown?
ReplyDeleteWhat about Trent Lott?
Too soon?
Sir,
ReplyDeleteOh, well! YOU aren't satisfied with OUR submissions.
Our apologies.
Now you can fully relate to how WE feel.
@ Otto
ReplyDeleteI am pretty sure Lott is a Baptist, not a Protestant
i didn't see animal sacrifices under the the list of Do Not's. you guys might want to add that, who knows what your readers are capable of.
ReplyDeleteBaptists are Protestants, numb nuts.
ReplyDeleteI surely risk disqualification for saying this, but, Pinder isn't that hot. I mean, her face is kind of wack. Take a look at her without makeup.
I prefer Kelly Hazell for my insanely large-breasted Briton needs.
I am pretty sure Lott is a Baptist, not a Protestant
ReplyDeleteActually, the term "Protestant" pretty much encompasses all Christians except the Catholics. Baptists included.
Of course, Lott's real focus of worship is his helmet hair. I'm betting he won a lifetime supply of Consort Hairspray as a kid.
Not to start a theological discussion here, but, Baptists who espouse the "perpetuity" theory are not Protestants...
ReplyDeletenunb nuts.
and, of course, by "nunb nuts" I meant "numb nuts"
ReplyDeleteyesterday we veered off on the topic of porn stars, today we debate if baptists are protestants. celebrate diversity !
ReplyDeleteI am good like that
ReplyDeleteWasn't "Nun B Nuts" the subtitle for "Sister Act 3"?
ReplyDelete@nation_of_islam_sportsblog
ReplyDeleteThat was brilliant!
You got me there. If so, that would be indicitave of a level of effort in writing that movie... effort I asumed to be completely missing.
ReplyDeleteGood point re perpetuity. However, Baptism is clearly an off-shoot of American Protestantism. Just because they don't think they're Protestants doesn't make it so.
ReplyDeleteAnd porn stars? Where!?
rusty, go to the comment section from yesterdays post "sushi for badasses"
ReplyDelete@Rusty - Well, even if I am transsubstantiating my corn flakes every morning, if I do not consider myself a Catholic, chances are, I am not a Catholic.
ReplyDeletePorn stars in the Post regarding Bear Grylls eating a fish.
Well at first I thought to myself, "If you want to be part of this most sacred posse of guys making dick jokes, you really will have to apply yourself." Then I realized: I'll have to apply myself. Fuck that, I come to this site for OTHER people to entertain ME.
ReplyDeleteYou know the the comments section has been quite angry the last few days, in fighting, cat fighting (not yet), just all around anger.
ReplyDeleteI think I'm going to schedule the KSK Gay Mafia/Comments Section to sensitivity training.
@rar288: Indeed. If I were in charge, that post would automatically get you into the league.
ReplyDeleteYay, sloth and passivity!
Yeah, found it. Just e-mailed BDD what Chasey looks like now w/o make-up. It's not pretty.
ReplyDeleteI prefer Eve Lawrence (before she went blonde).
And regarding the Baptist business: believing the Baptist Church predates Catholicism is fine. It's just like Mormons believing all that Mormon stuff. History just vehemently disagrees.
I like the way rar288 thinks.
ReplyDeleteCheck your inbox, you just received the winning entry, bitches.
ReplyDeleteBaptists do have something in common with the other Protestants, Jews, and pretty much everyone else who isn't Catholic: They're all going to hell.
-Chief Wahoo
@rusty - not sure what to say to that. I guess I'll just drop it.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, I didn't even read that post - I just stared at the piece of ass at the beginning.
ReplyDeleteLately, Angelica Sin has been turning my head
ReplyDeleteCheck your inbox, you just received the winning entry, bitches.
ReplyDelete(Shakes head in a sad manner). Happens on EVERY post
DO NOT preliminarily declare yourself the winner when you submit your entry. You aren’t as awesome as you think, dickface.
@jo If you win, I'll bow down before the one I serve, guess I'll get what I deserve.
ReplyDeleteIf I were to submit video of a bear fighting a pack of rabid woolverines at Mike Vick's house while the Cumslinger (sporting a Sex Cannon t-shirt, naturally) collects $100 bills from a weeping Bill Simmons, that would pretty much secure my spot in the field, right?
ReplyDeleteOh hell, I'll just send porn.
so anyway, the only rule is there are no rules, except when i decide to make some which will be applied retroactively.
ReplyDeletegreat precedent your setting for a fantasy league
@devang: I was about to apologize for ignoring protocol then I noticed that you were quoting Depeche Mode lyrics, so instead I'll just say: prepare to bow.
ReplyDeleteDepeche Mode???
ReplyDeleteThey're not rules, Ken, so much as tips for success. We're not naive enough to think that any rules would have been followed, anyway.
ReplyDelete@sam No, No, no my friend. They are a variation of a NIN song "Head Like a Hole". I think you are wrongly thinking of "Personal Jesus". Makes sense with all the talk about different Christian denominations on this post
ReplyDelete@ John S.: Awesome. Nine Inch Nails (Ninnies) always were about as hard as Depeche Mode.
ReplyDelete@ rusty: You judge her by her face? What kind of sick freak are you?
ReplyDeleteThis is the kind of bullshit that sets male chauvinism back.
Come on bloof, shes got to have some kind of face you can look at, so you know where to aim on the pull out. How are you supposed to hit her face when you're cringing?
ReplyDeleteAaaaaand I just guaranteed that I won't be making any lady friends today...
ReplyDelete@ the pirate sloth. Are you referring to the Angry Dragon?
ReplyDeletePirate Sloth, don't be so presumptuous. I'll be your friend.
ReplyDeleteBut if you come on my face, I'll punch you.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThanks Andrea, I'll be sure to keep that in mind for future rendezvous.
ReplyDeleteHoly fuck. Take an enema, Drew. I already bitchslapped myself in public for the oldass blog entries. I'll be your submissive bitch for, like, one comment, but after that it gets kinda boring, y'know?
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteOprah's Va Jay Jay apologizes for any offense taken.
ReplyDeleteMy apologies, Ape. At least it was softcore porn. I figured it was ok since I was involved and all. My bad.
ReplyDelete-Chief Wahoo
If you're talking porn stars, you can't miss a scene from these:
ReplyDeleteNici Sterling
Alexandria Quinn
Gauge
Monica Sweetheart
Nici Sterling ****
Anna Nova
Angelica Sin
Jeanna Fine
Nicole Sheridan (when she's not banging that ogre husband in every scene)
Mia Bangg
Check them out, they're the best in the biz.
thenaturalmevs, don't think that no one noticed that you just posted the same comment on two separate posts.
ReplyDeleteOtto Man, your time is impeccable.
ReplyDeleteI met OJ Simpson at the '92 Summer Olympics. I had a picture taken with him, and my grandma told his girlfriend to get out of the picture right before she snapped it. I'm pretty sure he was wearing Bruno Magli shoes. I'll see if I can dig up the photo.
ReplyDeleteSadly, that's all I've got...
We haven’t had a decent tip since Rex Grossman got plastered before the Super Bowl.
ReplyDeleteSo I should have held on to that one until now?
Damn.