Scene i: The Tub. Fitty is in the hottub at his house, reading the latest treatment of the new Lassie movie he is executive-producing for Miramax, when he starts to get hungry.
Larry Fitzgerald: Lupé!
Lupé Môřãléŝ: [runs in from the other room] ¿Si?
Fitty: Baby, did you order me that Buffalo Chicken pizza for me like I told you?
Lupé: ¡Si, shood bee heer soon, weet da pang crost! [runs out of the room]
Fitty: Baby, I told you! No. Pan. Crust on that shit! Pan crusts are forever at odds with my tender palette, never mind the bombardment of that square shape upon my psyche. You must call them back and tell them that the contents of my order have been compromised.
Lupé: [runs back in] ¡ Boot dee pang crost peetza eez olreedy caw-meeng !
Fitty: Just get me a damn towel, my shit’s starting to wrinkle up in this mug. [she leaves as he shakes his head in disappointment]
Fitty: [continuing, to himself] Why the fuck am I payin’ that bitch a whole dollar-twenty-five an hour? [reaches back for his cell phone and hits “7” on his speed dial; it rings three times]
High School Kid Who Has Just About Had it With Life: [answers phone in monotone] Thank you for calling Papa John’s Pizza can you hold please…
Fitty: No, good sir, there’s no time! I’m afraid that a delivery approaching my domicile at this very instant may be tainted!
High School Kid Who Has Just About Had it With Life: [pauses] …Fitty?
Fitty: …Todd?
Todd: Yeah. You calling about…that one medium Buffalo Chicken pan pizza with the five orders of breadsticks?
Fitty: Yes! You must understand! The pan crust and I—
Todd: Yeah, we just assumed that part was a mistake, so we changed it to regular crust. It should be there any minute.
Fitty: Oh, thank goodness. [hears the call waiting beep] Thank you, o pimply one. Farewell [clicks over] Mr. Fitzgerald’s office?
Anquan Boldin: Fitty! It’s Quan!
Fitty: Aw, shit.
Quan: Don’t you ‘Aw, shit’ The Quan, man. Mr. Leinart told me about your expedition without me!
Fitty: Man, why you keep callin’ his ass Mr. Leinart?
Quan: He said you makin’ a new dogfightin’ movie! How you gonna make a dogfightin’ movie without The Quan?
Fitty: It’s just a dog, yo. Ain’t no dog-fightin’ in this shit. This dog ain’t doin’ nothing but chillin’ on this shit-ass farm and savin’ a bunch of crazy-assed rednecks when they doin’ stupid shit.
Quan: Check it out, The Quan is enjoying this latest issue of Sky Mall catalogue! And they got some shit!
Fitty: What mall catalogue?
Quan: Check this shit out! The Quan can purchase a statue of a sumo wrestler lookin’ like he’s takin a shit for just 95 bucks!
Fitty: [feigning disinterest] Man, I got like, five of those.
Quan: You should see this little bitch, man! He’s a big fat yellow motherfuckah and he got titty for days!
Fitty: Sounds like Lupé.
Quan: Yeah, but check this shit out: For $225, I can get dude squattin’ in a four-point stance with a glass table stacked up on his shit. But if I get this motherfucka, which way do I point dude’s ass?
Fitty: Well if you still have that couch with the love seat you’ve gotta—
Quan: [to somebody else] Look here, baby! The Quan will use six pillows if it pleases him!
Fitty: Quan, where are you?
Quan: [to somebody else] Hey, Fitty, check this shit out! The Quan is comin’ to ya tonight! I called to getcha to pick me up from the airport?
Fitty: [confused] Quan, man, did you call me from your cell phone…while you’re on the plane?
Quan: And guess who on da plane wit me! Jimmy Seinfeld!
Fitty: Quan, you can’t use a cell phone on a passenger jet. You’re gonna fuck up the guidance systems and crash that shit.
Quan: They ain’t gonna crash this motherfucka wit this rich white boy on here!
Fitty: Quan, I can’t pick you up. I got pizza comin’
Quan: Are you shittin’ The Quan, man? You gonna deprive the needs of The Quan…for a pizza? It’s not like you eatin’ crackers, man!
Fitty: I interpret the pizza as one larger, delicious, saucy, cracker.
Quan: Damn, man! you know how much a cab in DC is?
Fitty: DC? You’re flying to DC?
Quan: Yeah, man. Wanted to see my boy Fitty, man!
Fitty: Quan…I’m in Phoenix.
Quan: [long pause]
Fitty: …I can’t pick you up if you’re landing in DC.
Quan: [long pause]
Fitty: …because I’m in another city…about 2,500 miles away.
Quan: [muffled screaming of women’s voices, then the call drops out]
Fitty: [puts the phone down behind him] That might not have been good. Maybe I should—
Lupé: [running in the room] ¡ Peetza Heer ! [runs around the hottub and then back out]
Fitty: That’s what I’m talkin’ about…[Gets out of the hottub and starts drying off, then suddenly stops]
Fitty: Lupé! What the fuck is all over this towel?
how do you come up with this shit?
ReplyDeletemmmm pizza cracker
ReplyDeleteI love legitimate theater!
ReplyDelete"The contents of my order have been compromised."
ReplyDeleteThat's just awesome.
the quan will use six pillows if it pleases him.
ReplyDeleteha
So very confused, part III
ReplyDelete"I interpret the pizza as one larger, delicious, saucy, cracker."
ReplyDeleteOnly if it's the The Edge from Pizza Hut.
brown towel?
ReplyDeletepizza sauce?
What is on the towel!?
Slap me cinco Lupe!
ReplyDeleteI'm having a hard time placing a voice for Fitty.
ReplyDeleteWell played, Punter. Well played.
ReplyDeleteLupé Môřãléŝ?
ReplyDeleteGreat use of the extra and often unnecessary accents on the Latin names that the WWL employs all the damn time.
Does The Quan make it safely to DC?
Has Fitty's order been compromised or did Todd hook him up?
Is Lupé using Fitty's towel as toilet paper?
Answers to these questions and many more...same Fitty time, same Fitty channel.
Holy hell, this place is hilarious.
ReplyDeleteGreat job, as always.
http://the-fieldhouse.blogspot.com/
These posts seriously suck and are unfunny, man. I think 3 acts is more than enough.
ReplyDeleteSuddenly my mom showed up and told me to get a real job because I'd never make it far on my writing talents.
ReplyDelete@das roro kid: Thanks for your opinion.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine what it would be like to be on a crashing plane alongside Jerry Seinfeld. Not only are you about to die, but you've got to hear "And hey, what's the deal with these oxygen masks?" all the way down.
ReplyDeletejimmy seinfeld, reminds me of a guy i once worked with that always called him steinfeld.
ReplyDeletebeaverfeaver gives me an idea for this, worst celebrity to be stuck on a plane going down with. BDD this is a good ideam i think (which means it is most likely noit)
ReplyDeletemy bad the idea was otto mans
ReplyDeleteLarry Burns: That's easy. Buddy Holly
ReplyDeletei think the credit for worst celebrity to die in a plane crash draft should go to otto, not me larry.
ReplyDeletealso, has anyone here ever oredered anything from the sky mall ? talk about a catalog full of junk.
@Larry No, it's a fantastic idea.
ReplyDeleteI'm taking Donnovan McNabb.
"Great, I'm about to die, trying to keep some dignity and this ass hole is here dry heaving"
@ Beaver:
ReplyDeleteBut tell me you haven't at least looked through those catalogs on a long flight and thought, "Man, a digital hammock alarm clock is a fucking sweet idea!"
Man, I love these posts. I'd pay upwards of 6.95 to get a 150 page book of these.
ReplyDeleteFitty: I interpret the pizza as one larger, delicious, saucy, cracker.
Fucking kills me.
I want Fitty and The Quan on my fantasy team this year.
ReplyDeletei think we all have looked through those catalogs on long flights. i can't even count how many times i've wanted to order the $100 doggie bed.
ReplyDeleteI want Fitty and The Quan on my fantasy team this year.
ReplyDeleteHeh. I had the same thought. I'm getting a piece of the Cardinals offense just to be a part of this magic.
What I want to know is: why in the hell was MMP even browsing thru the Sky Mall catalogue in the first place? Bored? Taking a dump on the plane and needed reading material? Reading it in order to ignore the douche sitting next to you who keeps trying to engage you in conversation?
ReplyDeleteOr do you have that shit delivered to your house?
Isn't anyone else curious as to the plot of this new lassie movie?
ReplyDeleteI would like to see Lassie take on other dogs in fights to save his owner who owes gambling debts to Michael Vick (the organizer behind all of the dog fights)in sort of a Van-Damme Lionheart sort of story.
Just a warning people we're delving into Bill Simmons type material with this sky mall rubish.
ReplyDeleteProceed with caution.
The Sky Mall catalog is sort of like a long night in the bar. The stuff looks better and better the more you drink.
ReplyDeletebeaver i ave credit to otto but not in my first post in my second, by bad. it was otto.
ReplyDeletea-rod: least likely to come up clutch and save us.
@wormfather: But would I still be keepin it real to discuss a Rubish cube?
ReplyDeleteI don't understand this shit at all.
ReplyDeleteHaving said that, I'm still gonna order everything "weet da pang crost" front now on.
"I'll have a Western Bacon Six Dollar Burger weet da pang crost."
"I'll have a glass Chardonnay weet da pang crost."
I gotta know what's on that towel. I think it's semen.
"weet da pang crost."
These Fitty posts remind me of the time I rented Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me.
ReplyDeleteBasically, I'm just sticking around to see Moira Kelly get naked.
I gotta know what's on that towel. I think it's semen.
ReplyDeleteIts dooty. BDD was chillin at House Fitty last week.
@ Smello:
ReplyDeleteSimmons probably actually shops from these catalogs, but he'd only write about them if they had Alton from the Real World/Road Rules on the cover shirtless.
That "Basho, The Sumo Wrestler" table is incredibly disturbing.
ReplyDeleteAdd a touch of the Far East with "Basho" (Japanese for "tournament"), a traditional Sumo practitioner of one of the world's oldest martial arts. Basho crouches in his mawashi (Sumo belt) in these intricate sculpts with wide stances.
Under the 'YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE...' they should have Kenny Chesney albums.
@MMP True, so true.
ReplyDelete@ Burnsy Since we're definitly steering towards a simmons bashing session (hey it's been a couple of weeks)he'd follow your statment up by supposing some bullshit event and and then saying "Can we get somebody on this, please"
If I were the "VP of Common Sense" @ ESPN I'd start by having him covering sycronized swimming and then giving him a myspace page to write on.
Oh and I'm taking simmons next as my pick in the "people I wouldnt want next to me with the plane going down" competition.
"Wanna to take back the title of your book now, dont ya bitch?"
@wormfather.
ReplyDeletehed claim that the crash proved the ewing thoery as you deid so your last memory would be agony.
@Larry I dont know if I should laugh or cry.
ReplyDeleteFitty should have asked for ludicrous amounts of extra garlic butter... why else do you buy Papa Johns?
ReplyDeletewaiting for a response from austinboston.
ReplyDeleteAlso waiting for a response from Austinboston.
ReplyDeleteLet's see if I can find him on another post.
i figured being called an asshole for something innocent would garner a response.
ReplyDelete@beaverfever, it just did...
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure what the fuck dat roro kid is talking about. The chronicles of Fitty are priceless.
ReplyDeleteNice work, MMP.
Let me put it another way: 90% of the stuff on this site makes me laugh. THIS running post is not one of them.
ReplyDeleteIt's simple. No hatin'. This IS the comments section, right?
@drk - He's entitled to his opinion, as you are to yours. I don't care which side you take, as long as it doesn't get personal.
ReplyDeleteIf you have any specific gripes about the series, you can share them with me over email. Just putting that out there.
Thanks.
I like the Fitty posts. Nonsense is a great way to write. What the hell else do we have to read about for the next 3 months?
ReplyDeleteNow "the Quan" need not worry which direction the table ass gets pointed, for it points in all directions!
ReplyDeletehttp://www.brynosaurus.com/funny/Table.html
Check out www.SkyMaul.com. I myself have the Cat's in the Cradle flask.
ReplyDeleteI have never wanted crackers more often than since the saga of Fitty began. I'm going to go enjoy some Cheese Nips* right now.
ReplyDelete*Nips>Cheez Its, because they properly spell "Cheese" and because, you know, Nips.
Triscuits and cheese trump all other crackers. Especially the triple and quadruple deckers that you have to either turn sideways or open your mouth so much it hurts.
ReplyDelete