We've made so much fun of Brady Quinn this week. I think the guy deserves a break. Time to go back to one of our favorite whipping boys.
It's easy to discount the spiritual impact of basketball crowds if
you haven't attended a playoff game with special fans before. There's
no way to understand it unless it definitely has happened to you. Then
you know. As strange as this sounds, it's like a woman being unable to
tell whether she's ever had an orgasm. If she thinks it might have
happened, or it felt like it kind of happened one time... it didn't
happen. When it happens, they know. Then they feel stupid for all the
other times when they thought it had happened.
All the other times, eh? How many times are we talking about? Dozen? Couple hundred? To be fair, it is hard to bring a woman to climax when you're busy being overly impressed with yourself. You do actually have to do some work to bring a lady to Pleasuretown. Like Sam Kinison, I do The Alphabet. But I shan't elaborate.
yeah, uh, i think the orgasm line puts him way way way way way way way over the shark if he wasn't there already.
ReplyDeletemost horrifying sentence in a simmons column ever.
Maybe he was referring to the Dooze.
ReplyDeleteWhat the hell is he talking about? Sports? The mystery of life? WTF?
ReplyDeleteLike Sam Kinison, I do The Alphabet. But I shan't elaborate.
ReplyDeleteis there a knuckle involved in any way?
I love Simmons and will read anything he writes, but I almost vomited when I saw this yesterday. First he's an instant expert on college hoops, now he's giving us some wisdom on the female orgasm. His insight knows no bounds.
ReplyDeleteSorry I know this off topic and probably extrememly old, but speaking of weird shit have you guys heard this?
ReplyDeleteMaybe he should try the Smoky Tornado with the Sports Gal.
ReplyDeleteNothing says romance like "lemme know."
ReplyDeleteBill Simmons - just the man I've always wanted to discuss the mysteries of the female orgasm with.
ReplyDeletewhaddadouche
ReplyDeleteNo, Mr. Simmons, I do not wish to see your 'O' face.
ReplyDeletegood point Lt. Winslow. working in a digit along with the alphabet technique always works.
ReplyDeleteas for simmons, that was just weird.
God bless you, Drew, for making light of this. He can't be mocked enough for this.
ReplyDeleteis there a knuckle involved in any way?
ReplyDeleteNo, I use a clockwise swirl.
I think the alphabet and the hook works pretty well.
ReplyDeleteWV - cntmh
I'm pretty sure that paragraph led to more "I like Simmons, but ..." sentiments than anything else he's written. Ever.
ReplyDeleteI mean, I like Simmons, but ... Jesus. Reading that gave me the same weird feeling I get from watching "Very Bad Things" in its entirety (albeit without the erection). Simmons writing about sex is like Easterbrook writing about ... well, sex, I guess. Bad juju.
that simmons article was full of way too much sexual frustrattion.
ReplyDeleteSimmons is like the Luke Skywalker of shitty sports metaphors and Peter King is Darth Vader.
ReplyDeleteIt's tough to make your wife orgasm when adventurous role playing always involves a fake Larry Bird mustache and a Belichik hoodie.
ReplyDeleteI haven't decided if I like the "Have you tried the Anal Intruder?" or the "Low hanging fruit" tag better.
ReplyDeleteSo my buddy J-Bug and I were talking..
ReplyDelete"J-Bug, have I brought you to orgasm?"
"You know, TSG..I think you have. Maybe?"
...yep these are my balls
ReplyDeletei'm guessing that the red sox fans out there can't be too happy with the picture of simmons in a sox jersey.
ReplyDeleteFunny, Otto, I use a counter-clockwise swirl.
ReplyDeleteI prefer clockwise, but it's not written in stone.
ReplyDeleteAs long as you don't use a pinch. This isn't some parlor trick.
He's actually right, I know girls who are like, "I think I've had an orgasm" and I'm like, "uh, no you didn't."
ReplyDeleteAlso, I'm not crazy about his stuff, but I think Simmons is cute.
...also, It'd been like 3 months since I weaned my self off of his junk. Thanks for reminding me how much of an untallented prick he's become.
ReplyDeleteAnd Ms. Andrea, Cute, he looks like an ape. As a black dude, if anyone ever tries to call me an ape or a monkey or any shit slinging mammal I'm going to show them that picture...and you think that's cute? Pft.
Hey dude, I'm entitled to my taste. I'm sure there's some chick you think is cute that I would disagree with.
ReplyDeleteladyandrea: You have friends who are out of college saying that? Seriously?
ReplyDeleteI think Suzy Shuster is cute. What's wrong with that?
ReplyDeleteI've just read Bill Simmons writing about orgasms. I will now light myself on fire, chew tin foil, jab a fork in my eye, play in traffic and run my testicles across a cheese grater.
ReplyDeleteCue 20 or so guys asking Andrea where her and her friends live.
ReplyDelete@ LadyAndrea Not trying to insult you, if you like apes, this is america and you're allowed to do that in some states. I'm just saying, does it have to be THAT ape?
ReplyDelete...seeing as how x-mas ape is more than available.
ReplyDelete@wormfather.
ReplyDeleteSimmons is pretty good at throwing feces and making it stick. Hell of a talented ape.
I will now light myself on fire, chew tin foil, jab a fork in my eye, play in traffic and run my testicles across a cheese grater.
ReplyDeleteFunny, that used to be how Simmons tried to get women to orgasm. No wonder it never worked.
now the sports gal can die in peace.
ReplyDeletehow she achieved her first o with a little help from jbug and the dooze.
Well, they don't say that now that we've talked about it. But I'm fairly certain there have been no Os for the girls in question.
ReplyDeleteI think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth.
ReplyDeleteWhat?
For some reason, he's the last person I want to know has had sex, especially with that squirrely voice of his, so that paragraph is producing things I need to unsee, quickly.
ReplyDeleteFunny. I don't usually like to get drunk before going to work. Oh well.
I learned everything I ever needed to know from commedians like Sam Kinnison. RIP.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, the female orgasm doesn't exist.
ladyandrea: That's actually sadder to me than Bill Simmons using sex analogies in his column. Buy them all vibrators for their birthdays.
ReplyDeleteAwwww, Slickbomb. Your poor girlfriend.
ReplyDeleteI keep trying to get them double-click their own mouses, Redhead.
the comments have taken a somewhat unexpected and enjoyable turn.
ReplyDeletea couple of ladies discussing sex toys and self pleasuring activites is never a bad thing.
I keep trying to get them double-click their own mouses, Redhead.
ReplyDeleteZing! Remember folks -- no children allowed for Lady Andrea's routine. She tends to work a little blue.
He's such an untamed beast.
ReplyDeleteAnd he's so crazy with that 'POSADA IS A LITTLE BITCH' shirt showing through his Sox jersey.
What a wildman.
Who needs Cinemax when I can just pull up the Bill Simmons orgasm comment thread?
ReplyDeleteThe alphabet was Sam's gift to the world. A gift that keeps on giving....
ReplyDeleteHe's poor attempt at growing a beard reminds of the Beavis and Butthead episode where they glued hair on their face to pick up chicks.
ReplyDeleteI think Bill's wife's response to him asking her if she had an orgasm is my word verification: YAWEN.....Lady Andrea, better send Mrs. Bill an extra sex toy.
ReplyDeleteGod, why are Massholes such Massholes?
ReplyDeleteI detest them even more now.
I thought the funny part was when he said:
ReplyDelete"Then they feel stupid for all the other times when they thought it had happened"
Right. They felt stupid. What, you thought they called you Bill "pinky finger" Simmons because of your spot-on Dr. Evil impression?
Otto Man, my 7 pm show has me making balloon animals while doing the Charleston, then spinning plates while "Lady of Spain" plays.
ReplyDeleteMy 10 pm show is Adults Only.
10pm it is, then.
ReplyDeleteShe tends to work blue balls.
ReplyDeletefixed
Speaking of busting balls, are we going to get the winners for the Brady Quinn Caption Contest?
ReplyDeleteSo is smoking allowed at the 10pm show?
ReplyDeletegood point otto. i think alot of us are eagerly awaiting the results from the caption contest.
ReplyDeleteChris, smoking is allowed. I'm always smoking *ba dump ching*
ReplyDeleteOtto Man, I feel like I used up my good one over at Deadspin. It's a damn shame.
"Is this how you take a few strokes off your game?"
Lady Andrea can I make a request for you to wear my old Sid Breem jersey or is that a little too weird?
ReplyDeleteUhhhh, okay.
ReplyDeleteNever mind I forget the majority of commenter's are from the north. Also I meant Bream.
ReplyDeleteLadyAndrea and Redhead, they also make shower heads for things like that. Being able to walk into Bed, Bath, and Beyond and buy a sex toy is a beautiful thing.
ReplyDeleteI feel the same way about Home Depot, Laura.
ReplyDeleteyou could also feel the same way about the produce section at your local grocery store.
ReplyDeleteAnd PetSmart.
ReplyDeleteOh god...nothing turns me on more than Bill Simmons regurgitating tired misogynistic shit.
ReplyDeleteDoes his shirt say "sad little bitches"?
beaverfever, that's much less hygienic.
ReplyDeleteburnsy, Home Depot is a sexy place.
chris, we're not all Yankees here.
Let's forget the subject matter of this paragraph for a moment and focus instead on its painfully awkward syntax. The fact that this man makes a living as a writer is embarassing.
ReplyDeleteBecky was supposed to be the opening act, but unfortunatly, she hit the sauce a little early and was drunk around 3PM.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm still stuck at this desk for another 2 hours.
chris, we're not all Yankees here.
ReplyDeleteSeriously. Screaming Sid Bream's fat old ass all the way to home plate is one of my finer Braves memories.
But ever since Leo Mazzone tried to seduce me, well, I try not to think about it too much.
I am going to look onpy at the introductory clause of this statement:
ReplyDelete"It's easy to discount the spiritual impact of basketball crowds if you haven't attended a playoff game with special fans before."
Did he really mean to say "spiritual"?
Really?
Hey, you want to talk about an "emotional" impact, that is fine, but, to describe it as "spiritual" simply demonstrates that he has no grasp of the meaning of the word. Even if it is a simile, it is an improper one as the hyperbole serves to detract from the credibiity of his argument rather than enhance it.
In other words.... he is a jerk-off who should not get paid to write for a living.
and by "onpy" I mean "only"
ReplyDelete(which is why I have a secretary)
As a native of such a seafaring town, you'd think Simmons would have at least a rudimentary knowledge of the man in the rowboat.
ReplyDeleteThat man is going to have some serious jowels when he gets old.
ReplyDeleteWhat the fuck? When did KSK turn into an unfunny message board? Can we stick to funny comments?
ReplyDeleteI obviously don't have one.
So clint has been reincarnated as danny g?
ReplyDeleteGenius by SMP.
ReplyDeleteI just feel bad for the guy. Just remember Bill, your lady's orgasm is kinda like an expensive suit with no price tag. If you have to ask.....
I was wondering when Hench or J-Bug would stop by under the handle "Admiral Lovejuice" to tell us all to get lives and stop being jealous of TSG, but I guess Danny was close enough.
ReplyDeleteAnd Laura, it's a good thing you didn't go with Lowe's because then you'd be a fag hag.
@Laura, thats good because I was starting to get a bit worried. I am going to go chug a glass of sweet tea now.
ReplyDeletesweet tea kicks major ass. can't find that shit anywhere up north. i always have to order unsweetened iced tea and then doctor it up with sweet-n-low. sweet tea is one more reason why this yankee likes the south.
ReplyDeleteSweat Tea is like crack without the upside. I can't stand the stuff.
ReplyDelete@Consigliari
ReplyDeleteGenious, I love it, bravo.
Actually, burnsy, I prefer the local hardware store even over Home Depot, but both make Lowe's look like a chode.
ReplyDeleteChris, drink some tea for me! And Go Braves!
ReplyDeletebeaverfever - we don't put sugar in out cornbread and put it in the tea.
When I'm finished I prefer to stare into her eyes, or the back of her neck, and whisper "to be continued."
ReplyDelete/Attell
Chris & Burnsy-
ReplyDeleteI was referring to the comment section, no problems w/ the posts. Can't stand the side conversations and unrelated banter.
laura, you lost me there for a second. so let me get this straight cornbread = no sugar, tea = sugar.
ReplyDeleteand bill simmons still sucks.
beaverfever, sorry, my post was poorly written, but you've got it.
ReplyDeleteI had too much fun with Simmons' running blog during the NCAAs to not appreciate him.
I'm hoping Simmons goes into his airplane food or men and women are different material next
ReplyDelete@Beaverfever - exactly
ReplyDeleteAlso you guys don't rock the fried okra up north either.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete@Hawkins
ReplyDeleteBrilliant. Here's a sneak peak of Simmons' next article:
"If the professor can build a radio out of a coconut, why cant he fix the hole in the boat?"
What was once a poignant observer of pop culture and sports has degenerated into open mic night at Rooster T Feathers.
Isn't he paraphrasing dialogue from American Pie?
ReplyDeleteIm not sure that makes it any better.
ReplyDeleteThis might have been my most favorite comment thread ever.
ReplyDeleteI love you KSK people. Its made my long day now enjoyable after that damned AIA Convention.
word verif: zkuhiwgz - about the only thing I can manage to speak after 2 days of saying the same sales pitch over and over again.
I think we all feel even more sorry for the sports gal now.....
ReplyDeleteI never knew Howard K. Stern was a Red Sox fan.
ReplyDeleteDude, he looks like fuckin Quagire from family guy. No seriously, he does.
ReplyDelete@clutch247:
ReplyDeleteHoly shit. I can imagine him saying "Giggity!" repeatedly.
What's funny to me....all these 20-something young boys who don't even get what he's saying because they've never actually given a girl an orgasm but think they have...
ReplyDeleteguess what boys, if you had ever "converted" a girl to a woman before, you'd know what he was talking about. And yes, the woman feels stupid, because she was fooling herself the whole time.
Simmons' mistake: writing above the understanding of the children who read him.
;) hardee har har...please don't be too mad guys...
Sweat Tea is like crack without the upside. I can't stand the stuff.
ReplyDeleteWell, I think I may have discovered your problem. It's "sweet tea" and not "sweat tea." If you're adding perspiration to the tea, it's going to taste like shit.
Shockingly, this is the first post with the "Have you tried the anal intruder?" tag. I expected better of you, or rather worse.
ReplyDeletei wonder where simmons read this? in his l.a. or boston home? maybe he read it after renewing his celtics or clippers season tickets? or maybe he read it after writing his espn column millions will read. i don't really know. don't be so goddamn jealous. don't hate the player, hate the game. you were just a few years behind the curve.
ReplyDeleteWhy has no one mentioned his list of games the crowd helped the Celtics win? Those "we swung the outcome of six series" - and he includes the 1991 Indiana Pacers! The 41 - 41 Indiana Pacers! That was a team you needed the crowd to swing for you?
ReplyDeleteOkay, maybe he meant the 1991-1992 Pacers or the 1989-1990 Pacers. No, they both won about 41 games too. That inclusion is by far the most egregious (The Celtics had 15 more wins than the 1991 Pacers, but were pushed to the brink of elimination), but the Celtics had more wins than just about all those other teams too.
This is the internet Bill, people check you on that sort of BS.
bradswint@yahoo.com:
ReplyDeleteMillions of people paid money to see A-Rod play baseball last season. Should those criticizing his then-lackluster play have stopped hating the player and instead hated the game? Were they all just jealous? Or how about people who thought any number of box office successes sucked? Are they jealous of the filmmakers? Norbit was seen by millions of people (sadly), but I guess saying that movie looked like dogshit is just jealous.
I love the "jealousy" defense of Simmons and citing the number of Simmons' readers as to why he's untouchable. I don't think the disdain for Simmons stems from jealousy so much as it does 1. his laziness of repeating the same topics over and over again and 2. his tendency to shit on both print journalists and bloggers. He's the Man of the People who once he got to the top became paranoid and complacement.
In Simmons' style, think of it this way: he's the Rocky from Part III who lost touch with what made him champ -- pre-Clubber Lang beatdown, of course.
Of course, I guess by your rationale I'm just another "player hater," since apparently writers are free from criticism. Maybe the same should be said for athletes and movies. Don't have an opinion on anything, otherwise you're just jealous!