Big Daddy Drew Answers All Of The Pussycat Dolls’ Questions

Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?

Honestly, none of you are all that attractive. Given how many good looking women live in the greater Los Angeles area, you’d think a group called the Pussycat Dolls would have greater amounts of pussy and dolls in it. You didn’t even have to know how to sing to make the group, so I don’t know why you consist of a low-rent Jessica Simpson, a low-rent Gwen Stefani, a low-rent Tori Amos (who is available at rent-controlled prices anyway), a low-rent Rose McGowan, and two low-rent Eva Longorias.

And where are the breasts? And why are you all wearing dark nail polish? Dark nail polish looks like dogshit. This whole thing is just depressing. The fucking Fantanas outclass you ladies. All of you are buried under so much foundation, for all I know you could look like Rocky Dennis when you get out of bed in the morning. So my firm answer is no.

Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?

Eh, maybe. Being wild in bed is an attractive option. But I know damn well you only became a freak because your father ignored you and now you have so much emotional baggage and insecurity that even something as simple as choosing something off a Chinese restaurant menu probably gives you a nervous breakdown. So, even if you are willing to have sex while hanging from the rafters, I again say no.

Don’t cha?

Again, no.

Don’t cha?

Jesus, didn’t you hear me the first two times?

Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was raw like me?

What does that even mean?

Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me?

A woman who declares herself as "fun" never is.

Don’t cha?

Again, fuck and no.

Don’t cha?

God dammit, just leave me the fuck alone.

Listen, Cats, here are Denver Bronco cheerleaders April and Stephanie. They outclass you in every way. Maybe you can learn a thing or two from them. Ladies…