Hello! I'm Peyton Manning, quarterback of the Indianapolis Colts, and I have a special message for all of you out there that don't like me:
Go fuck yourself.
Fuck you long and hard and with the depth of a thousand oceans. Fuck you sideways. Fuck you upside down. Fuck you hanging from a jungle gym. Fuck you in. Fuck you out. Fuck you with a snow shovel.
I'd also like to extend this message out to all you New Englanders out there. Fuck you. Fuck your weather. Fuck your stupid accent. Fuck your goatee. It looks idiotic. And FUCK Boston. Fuck your shitty traffic. Fuck all your elite college students, half of whom end up becoming ski instructors. Fuck Storrow Drive. Fuck the Red Sox. Take your little Red Sox hat, wedge the brim up nice and tight, and shove right up your ass. Fuck the Big Dig. No one else cares how long it took, you whiny bitches. Fuck Matt Damon. Fuck Dennis Leary. Fuck Logan. Fuck you people bitching about Logan.
In fact, fuck all the little town in Massachusetts that no one cares about. Oh, you're from Natick? Well, fuck Natick. Fuck Winchest-ah. Fuck Reve-ah. Fuck Scituate. Fuck them all. Fuck your old colonial houses. Fuck your foliage. Fuck your lobster. And fuck all the surrounding states. Fuck Vermont. All you assholes make is syrup. Fuck Maine. Fuck LL Bean AND Poland Spring. Fuck Connecticut, because while you have lovely rural areas, your cities are crime-infested shit stains on the face of the Earth. Fuck Rhode Island. Fuck Brown. Fuck people from Newport who like to sail. I hope Great White plays a stadium concert in Providence. Fuck New Hampshire. Live free or die? I'll take the latter for you dipshits.
Fuck you, Bill Simmons. Oh, you like the Manning Face? Is that the face I make when I fuck your team like a convict fresh outta prison? Hope you liked it. And fuck you, Boomer Esiason. Guess who's not his generation's Dan Marino anymore? Know who my generation's Boomer Esiason is? Jake fucking Delhomme. So go get fucked.
And fuck American Express (MasterCard fucking rules.)
Oh, and fuck you, blogosphere. What, you think I'd forget about you? Fuck Deadspin. And fuck you too, Kissing Suzy Kolber. Oh, you think you're exempt? Think you're just making funny little dick jokes? Take your dick jokes, go into a corner, and stick them up your urethra. Fuck you, Big Daddy Drew, you big masturbating motherfucker. Fuck you, Captain Caveman, nee Matt Ufford. You say you have sex with all the ladies, but I know damn well you have more beards than a playoff hockey team. Fuck you, Monday Morning Punter. You're from fucking OHIO. Fuck you, Unsilent Majority. Nice screen name, douchebag. Unsilent isn't even a word.
Fuck you Falco, even if you're dead. Fuck you, Ape. Nice MS Paint skills, you fucking kindergartener. And fuck you, flubby. I hated that Robin Williams movie about you. You fucking suck.
Again, fuck you all. I know all of you said I was a choker. Well, guess what you can all choke on? My enormous cock. That's right. It's true. We all know any guy with a goofy face is hung like a goddamn Genoa salami. So if you don't mind, I'm gonna open up my fly and drag mine around the room for a bit. Because all of you can kiss my enormous white pasty ass. I fucking won, and you fucking didn't. It's a new era, bitches. You get to deal with Bitter Peyton now. Hope you like the taste of my balls, douchebags. Because you'll be sucking on them for a while.
I'm gonna go have a beer and bang my hotass wife. I fully expect you to be fucking yourself when I get back.
Easy Peyton.
ReplyDeleteBe happy, you might get some endorsement deals now that you are in the Super Bowl.
Does he know that he still hasn't won a Super Bowl?
ReplyDeleteI will never eat salami again. Thinking about an overgrown Elmer Fudd packing is just too gross.
ReplyDeleteFuck Connecticut, because while you have lovely rural areas, your cities are crime-infested shit stains on the face of the Earth.
ReplyDeleteI second that.
I'm totally down to fuck Boston and/or any Masshole. Fuckin' Fagz.
ReplyDelete"Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you're cool, and fuck you, I'm out!"
ReplyDeleteBeeeYAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
ReplyDeletePeytons wife is NOT hot. I promise.
ReplyDeleteCan someone tell me how he got the nickname Fetus head?
I wonder what a conversation between the Sex Cannon and Bitter Peyton would be like.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure it would be sponge-worthy.
clint- it's kind of a long rambling story that takes a long time to truly understand...HIS HEAD LOOKS LIKE A FETUS.
ReplyDeleteWell said Drew. Go Blue.
ReplyDeleteUM - funny.
ReplyDeleteClint, I hope your are being facetious. If not, just look at Manning's head without any headgear and look at the picture of a fetus. You'll see.
ReplyDeleteNot enough cursing.
ReplyDeleteLay off Natick, that's where Twinkies are made.
ReplyDeleteThe rest is dead on, though.
I suspect Peyton sobbed after this tirade. He seems like the type of guy that cries after a fist-fight.
ReplyDeleteQuote from Peter King:
ReplyDelete"I bet there's been 10 times since he's been in the league when I've had a conversation with him (Peyton) that was supposed to last 10 or 15 minutes, and it lasts 45 or 60; and he doesn't want to end it but has to or we'd be there all day"
I'm sure he's only "talking" with Peyton and not giving him the slobbery knob action with a reach around for 45-60 minutes.
Have you not even considered the deliciously ironic possibility that the "best" qb could lose to the WORST qb, Sexy Rexy? Oh the shame, the shame... At least he had some dignity before.
ReplyDeleteParcells just quit..perhaps he is going to hang w/Peyton for the next two weeks? Peyton seems like Parcells kinda bitch, in a give it to me hard big guy kinda way.
ReplyDeletethat's denis leary.
ReplyDeleteas is penis.
Charles Woodson is still better than you.
ReplyDeleteI love how it's like Peyton won the Super Bowl, but he didn't
ReplyDeleteGo fetus head, as much as I enjoy watching Rexy sling cum everywhere, get it done.
I'm not a ski instructor, nor a masshole, but i did spend four years of my life hearing people say how wicked hahdcoah shit was 37 times per day.
ReplyDeleteWatching Tom Brady crumble was like eating at Anna's Taqueria after a long day of boozing: fucking awesome.
Speaking of Massholes...
ReplyDeletehttp://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/070122
Question of the Day: Has Peyton filmed a commercial yet that'll air during the Super Bowl?
ReplyDeleteOr will he wait til tomorrow to start filming?
Fuck me that was brilliant!
ReplyDeleteAnd fuck Tom Brady.
And the other question, which story gets the most hype?
ReplyDelete1. Peyton's monkey
2. Peyton is a junky.
3. Peyton vs. Rexy.
4. Black head coaches.
I think 4 is gonna give 1 a run for its money.
4giantsfans-
ReplyDeleteAnother great read by SG. Last week who can see how the Chargers gave the game to the Patriots.
But this week he was able to see how the Patriots gave the game to the Colts.
third and four should be on his grave stone.
"third and four should be on his grave stone."
ReplyDeleteHope much much later so we can continue to be "inspired" by his "brilliant" writing and Drew can continue to tell him to "eat a big fat dick."
I'm disappointed. Why didn't Peyton call out the people all of the people in the mainstream media who doubted him after the Ravens and Colts games? Oh, that's right... because they're weren't any.
ReplyDeleteReche Caldwell's eyes should be on SG's gravestone. Make that two stones.
On the phone, my father was even more distraught, bringing up the offensive pass interference call on Brown – leading 21-3 and driving for another score, when they whistled Brown for the same exact pick play that New Orleans used to spring Reggie Bush for an 86-yard TD earlier in the day (you know, the same pick play that every team uses and never, ever, EVER gets called)
ReplyDeleteOh, Bill Simmons. I didn't think it was possible for you to be a bigger douchebag, and then you go and top yourself. GO. TO. HELL. A hell with the clip of Tom Brady getting picked off during the last drive of the game playing for all eternity. Ass.
P.S. And fuck your couch, n---as!
ReplyDeleteThis rant, courtesy Peyton Manning, is eerily similar to a song back in the day by the Insane Clown Posse. It's name? "F--- the World." I know, shocker, right?
ReplyDeleteEither way, I did appreciate this to some extent, and I'm a Patriots fan FROM massachusetts. Good show by Drew, as always.
Fuck you, Bill Simmons. Oh, you like the Manning Face? Is that the face I make when I fuck your team like a convict fresh outta prison?
ReplyDeleteAh. Brilliant :)
Fuck you, Fitzy.
ReplyDeleteJust wait till Rexy covers all of South Beach in cum the next two weeks. Can you imagine media day? I hope Rachel Nichols isn't out and about trying to catch a glimpse of the boy wonder known as "Gross-Man". He'll leave that bitch with Cinnabon sauce all over her pretty little catholic blouse, FIYAH!
ReplyDeletehis head, does look like a fetus, with smallish ears.
ReplyDeleteFuck people from Newport who like to sail. I hope Great White plays a stadium concert in Providence.
ReplyDeleteSick and wrong.
I wholly endorse that writing!
He'll leave that bitch with Cinnabon sauce all over her pretty little catholic blouse.
ReplyDeleteHAHAHA
MORE FIYAH, MORE FIYAH.
I miss Star and Bucwild.
What, no Affleck?
ReplyDeleteSeriously...outstanding.
I hope Great White plays a stadium concert in Providence.
ReplyDeleteI have never felt so guilty for laughing so hard in my life.
for making a lame ass attempt at mocking the good people of Rhode Island, many of whom are Giants fans anyway
Koos, no offense, but what alternate reality do you live in? I grew up in Rhode Island, and never met a self-respecting native-born Rhode Islander who was a Giants fan in my life.
Know who my generation's Boomer Esiason is? Jake fucking Delhomme. So go get fucked.
ReplyDeleteThat made me pee a little.
Drew, this was fucking brilliant.
ReplyDeleteHave you not even considered the deliciously ironic possibility that the "best" qb could lose to the WORST qb, Sexy Rexy? Oh the shame, the shame... At least he had some dignity before.
ReplyDeleteand didn't Grossman play for Florida? Anyone remember Manning's record against the Gators?
The Bears will win, and Manning will have to console himself with his old Citrus Bowl rings.
And fuck American Express (MasterCard fucking rules.)
ReplyDeleteWay to get the endorsement plug in!
lay off New Haven, yo. bad enough we finally imploded our Coliseum TWO YEARS! after it was announced because we didn't have the funds. plus, it's the birthplace of the hamburger, the American pizza, and the forward pass. you can look it up.
ReplyDelete(Bridgeport, on the other hand, is the crack capital of Connecticut and can be made fun of ad nauseum. Mmm...crack capital of Connecticut...doesn't it have a nice sharp consonant ring?)
ReplyDeleteSeeing Tom Brady on his ass on the turf of the RCA Dome pouting as the Colts celebrated almost literally brought a tear to my eye.
ReplyDeleteI imagine Kenny Chesney is having a hard time sitting down today, because Peyton was all fired up last night.
You seem really boring koos.
ReplyDeleteKoos,
ReplyDeleteInteresting observation... but SI's state-by-state polling in 2005 will tell you otherwise:
The majority of Rhode Islanders (>60%) are Red Sox and Pats fans. The Giants aren't even the second most popular NFL team: the Dolphins are. I can attest to that, as I knew several 'Fins fans back home, but not a single Giants fan.
Payton is a classy Broad.
ReplyDeleteJust because Eli got more hugs from mommy is no reason to be so bitchy. Get over yourself, you've got too many commercials to shoot to waste your time on negative energy.
Love,
New England
David
ReplyDeleteIm a fan of Peyton Manning. He could kick any other qb's ass. So shut the fuck up about him
got that
He won the supper bowl dumbass
ReplyDelete