Who am I? Surely you ask only to infuriate me further. For I am only the greatest receiver of my time, that is all. Bearer of the single-season reception record, if you are the sort that follows that kind of thing. Yet somehow I escape the fascination afforded other stalwarts of my position. The archetype for prolific workmanlike receiver was already cast by Jerry Rice, now I am the only silent carrier of the legacy. Respected but not revered, because I don't dance like Chad Johnson, own a non-rotary phone like Joe Horn, self-destruct like Terrell Owens or make kimchi for the press like Hines Ward.
I do not have time to learn such fancified endzone swervery. I've been otherwise occupied in my non-football pursuits of late in endeavering to help sort out that erstwhile ill-mannered ruffian Ronald Dietz, whom you hard-hearted enthusiasts of the gridiron know so derisively as the Littlest Ronnie. His is a mind full of promise and boundless wit. And a disconcerting number of rhymes for bitch.
As an unintended consequence of my teachings of Mr. Dietz, he has showed me much of the street culture which he tirelessly attempts to emulate. This, he says, is key to achieving the marquee status of which I am so in want.
He has taken to giving me the sobriquet of Mar Har, which doubles as a clever abbreviation of my Christian name and my surname, as well as being an arcane reference to one of the entertainments he enjoys on the television. I have no use for mass media, other than Gasoline Alley, but being the focus of it, I admit, intrigues me. He then tells me of the exploits of the quarterback of the team I am to soon face and I become faint. No such person exists outside of a sanitarium, I believe. But he instructs me that these are things acts I should perform if I wish to be a "star." Heavens.
Crap, I thought the future Marvin Harrison (circa 2017) was a "If they had kids..." between Marvin and Stephen A.
ReplyDeleteDon't scare me like that.
I have no use for mass media, other than Gasoline Alley
ReplyDeletePerfect. Well played, Ape. Well played.
Ape, the pimped version is maybe the scariest thing I've ever seen. Those crazy eyes...wait, they're just as crazy in marvin as mar har. Please don't do this to Rache Caldwell.
ReplyDeleteMarvin talks funny.
ReplyDeleteNon-rotary phones are all the rage these days.
now that is some high quality MS apint skills
ReplyDeleteMarvin Harrison is a putz.
ReplyDeleteI interviewed him at Colts camp in Anderson, IN during his rookie season. He's a freakin' standoffish tool with a bad pornostache.
Love your guys site. I am new to the sports bloggin world, but found you guys on Google when I was searching some alleged spat I had read about between Bill Simmons and Rick Reiley. Saw your site, and found out that you guys have quite a hard on for Simmons, which is cool because everything you say about him is pretty much dead accurate.
I'm new to the business and would like to swap links or blog roll with you fellas, if I could.
Check out my site: www.hogonsports.com
Get back to me if you want to swap links. Thanks and continued success.
Me thinks someone needs to wipe his chin a little bit.
ReplyDeleteYou'd think he'd have the sense to get rid of the pornostache. No gay man wants to be with another man with a mustache like that, at least I highly doubt that.
ReplyDeleteCan you photoshop Marhar and a gentleman friend into this?
http://www.post-gazette.com/images3/20051108HO_homeoffice_450.jpg
I had never associated Stanley and his moustache with the early 90s AIDS epidemic before, now its all I will think about during his brief appearances. Thanks, ape.
ReplyDelete