Jeremy Shockey wants YOU to read his column

As an oft-drunk Oklahoman with a Miami "education," Jeremy Shockey is not the kind of player we expect to be literate. Fortunately, literacy is not a requirement to write for the New York Post, where Shockey's new weekly column debuted today.

Sadly, there's not a whole lot to tear to shreds -- Shockey apparently graduated from the Crash Davis School of Cliche, or at least went to class for two years before declaring for the draft. But I did enjoy this:

Sometimes, I feel like I am more of a chess player than a football player. For instance, this week I was handed a report on each Colts defensive player. The report included their head-shot photo, their height, weight, age, hometown, their college, whether they are married and have kids, and their tendencies. I even know if they had offseason trouble with the law or with contract negotiations. I am given all the information I need to anticipate what they are going to do, their strengths and weaknesses, and how to take advantage of them.

Actually, Jeremy, there's been a mistake. You're way behind on your contract killing. Seriously, Shockey's gotta be the worst hired muscle since Gigli.

And guess what, the Colts defense has a report on me.

Yup, and it reads like this: "Extremely talented. Dumb as a rock. Remove from game by distracting him with TV cameras, rum and cokes, or available shiny objects."

However, the funniest sentence in the column has to be the last:

Jason Rosenhaus contributed to this report.

That's right: if you liked T.O., you'll love Jeremy Shockey's column! Those Rosenhauses really have the Midas touch!