My TV broke last Friday night. It was one of those old Sony warhorses that last forever. That durability was both its advantage and its curse. I would have replaced it ages ago, but the thing never gave me ample reason to. The picture quality was always good. And frankly, the thing weighed 2,400 lbs., give or take a few. No way I was moving that shit unless it was a real emergency.
Anyway, we were watching some shit Friday night when, without warning, the picture collapsed. It just sort of shrank down to nothing and then POOF! It was gone. Just like that.
It took me a second to realize what had happened. At first, I thought a fuse had blown. But after a few minutes…
Me: You know what? It’s gone. I think it blew the bulb. It’s gone. IT’S GONE! HOLY FUCKING SHIT, THE TV BROKE! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHAW!!!!!!”
I immediately raced to the computer to start researching HDTV’s and DVR’s.
The Mrs.: I’ve never seen you act that fast on anything. In fact, I’ve never seen you act fast in any manner whatsoever.
Me: Shut the fuck up. Now, apparently these 1080p sets are the best, but they cost more. But fucking ay, how often does Big Daddy get to buy himself a TV? Now, apparently, LCD is better than plasma. Plasma wastes power. And if we get the DVR, that’s just $5 a month more on the bill. I WANT THE DVR! I WANT IT I WANT IT I WANT IT!
The Mrs.: (goes back to reading book) Whatever.
Less than 24 hours later, I got some high def up in that motherfucker.
Me: Look at the picture quality. Isn’t that amazing?
The Mrs.: Doesn’t look that different to me.
Me: Are you fucking joking? (toggling between standard ESPN and hi-def ESPN) Look at that shit! Look at Michelle Bonner’s pores! She’s so flawed now! I could stare at the side logos for an hour on their own! They drift!
The Mrs.: I guess.
Me: God dammit, this is a big event in my life. Will you get fired up?
The Mrs.: It’s just TV.
Me: No, it’s HDTV! It’s like we live in the future now! Look at how cool the remote is! Now get excited. Are you excited? I‘M EXCITED!
The Mrs.: Yes, I’m excited.
Me: WAHOO!
I know damn well the Mrs. was greatly displeased that I was more excited about getting a new TV than pretty much anything ever, up to including getting married, having a kid, etc. And that’s more than justified. But fuck man… NEW TV! HOORAY!!!
Oh, and your meast of the week is Lofa Tatupu of the Seahawks. He had, like, 3 picks or something. Ufford’s gay for him. Looking good, Lofa. ESPECIALLY IN HD!!! YEEEAAARGHHHHH!!!!
The Mrs.: Doesn’t look that different to me.
ReplyDeleteMrs. HoC said the exact same thing. It was the cloest I ever came to throwing her out of the house. Then I remember she was my only source of sex....
It's the mirrors...
ReplyDeleteDVR is the shit. Tape every show and then fast forward the commercials, pause the game to take a piss. It is fucking heaven.
ReplyDeletetechnically, I believe the phrase is "it's the meers". them tvs are powered by thousands of tiny meerkats, apparently.
ReplyDeleteI was so pissed that my tv came on a day my girlfriend was off work. She wasn't too hype on getting it when our old, inferior tv still "worked."
ReplyDeleteI wanted to get the picture straight (saturation and contrast is always way to high out of the box) before she had time to bitch about it. No such luck.
But now, nearly a year later, not a week goes by without her saying how glad she is we got an hdtv. Seriously.
p.s. Planet Earth is the key.
lucky bastard.
ReplyDeletei too have one of those huge freakin sony tvs and it works just great. i've sent the child after it, the dog after it, the damn thing won't break.
Mrs. UZH at first thought it was huge waste. It took only 24 hours before she admitted it was cool. Thank zombie jesus or I would have been knee deep in divorce proceedings right now.
ReplyDeleteThis may get me thrown straight off the fucking network here, but I'm considering doing the WWL couch potato thing, only because I want a big, bad-ass fucking TV, and I'm not going to be able to afford one until I'm 70.
ReplyDeleteUnless anyone needs a kidney. Anyone? Any takers? Minimal opium and Steel Reserve residue included.
Welcome to the majors, my son. If you can add NFL Ticket onto that bad boy, you can get to work on a primo assgroove in that couch.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, if you want to wow your woman with HDTV, record an episode of Planet Earth on Discovery.
I third Sony tv's being both indestructible, and heavy. Bought mine 7 years ago, and it's been dropped and still has a perfect picture. I'm aso pretty sure it has sandbag ballasts inside of it.
ReplyDeleteI don't have a Mrs. SDW. Therefore, my HDTV is all for me.
ReplyDeleteOf course, so is the sporadic sex. Take the good with the bad, I guess.
Planet Earth. Pfft.
Of course, so is the sporadic sex.
ReplyDeleteI see you know absolutely nothing about married life.
Congrats - I'm sure that you and your new HD (did size matter? How big?) will be very happy together (sniff, sniff, wipes a tear). I remember when I got my 52inch Vizio and wireless speakers - it is to die for. Of course my wife almost killed me over it, but now she watches it more than me.
ReplyDeleteI can relate. Me and my roommates just got one and i've been staring at it ever since.
ReplyDeleteNow if only we could get football :(
I got the new Sharp Aquos 2008 52" 1080P LCD (Half price). It's a sweet as shit MoFo, but something is not right with the tuning. The refresh rate on some HD channels seems fucked up.
ReplyDeleteOnce I get my Slingbox with the HD adapter hooked up, I'll get fired very quickly.
Eerie. Two days ago the sound went out on my TV for no reason that we could fathom, so rather than fix the problem my buddy and I went to the store and returned an hour later with a 900-dollar 40-inch 1080i that we could barely shove into the car. A few minutes after getting back we found out it was the cable box that needed to be reset that was causing the problem. But f*ck it. We got a brand new TV baby!
ReplyDeletei watch so much TV already ive absolutely refused to let myself get a dvr box because tv has already ruined my life, and during the spring summer and fall i watch baseball every single night so these months are the few nights i get quality time with anyone without being secretly pissed about missing something
ReplyDeleteim not entirely sure this comment made sense. i had a 3 margarita lunch
Yeah, Planet Earth does look unreal in HD.
ReplyDeleteAlso, Band of Brothers. If you have 5.1 surround sound too, it's absolutely mind-blowing.
Congrats, Drew. An HDTV was the best thing I ever bought.
"mosi tatupu! mosi tatupu!"
ReplyDelete[translation]
The blue-haired woman will make a fine sacrifice.
If you have kids DVR is a necessity. record their shows so you can shut them up for 30 minutes at a time.
ReplyDeletehere's a great piece of NFL journalism -
ReplyDeletehttp://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=fleming/071206&sportCat=nfl
Apparently Willie Parker should be heralded just as much as Adrian Peterson.
no...
ReplyDeleteit just says he trails peterson.
just like every else.
and if you ever compare willie parker to purple jesus again i will fuck your shit up.
As a Steeler fan, I'm embarrassed by that article. Yeah, they're going to beat the Pats because of a center that retired 7 years ago. Yup.
ReplyDeleteDirecTV now offers a shitton of channels - including the movie channels like Cinemax and Showtime. Now, don't get me wrong, Animal Planet and ESPN1/2, the NBA, NFL, and NHL in HD, and The Weather Channel in HD are awesome.
ReplyDeleteBut something has to be said when Skinemax and Showtime show those softcore pornos in HD.
That was like finding a bar of gold in a bag of diamonds.
Booyah - that is a GREAT story. Let this be a lesson to you: trying to hard to fix things is for suckers. You are a testiment to the never give up, never think things out spirit that made this country strong. Our functioning standard TV is the Santa's Little Helper to the HD's Laddie
ReplyDeletei'm still waiting for my laserdisc to bite the dust. but then i'd have to replace all my movies. it's about time though, especially because there's a big ass scratch on side 2 of disc 5 of braveheart, which totally ruins the drama.
ReplyDelete@upstate underdog:
ReplyDeleteThe only reason i've been considering it is so that I can have episodes of the backyardigans and the big comfy couch on standby for the little one, and also porn. can you hide things you save?
I'm convinced this is the same conversation that has been happening to us men for the past year or so - as this exact thing took place in my home about 3 weeks ago.
ReplyDeleteThem women must have written out a pamphlet on "How to address the HDTV situation with your man" and passed it amongst themselves.
Now be honest Drew - how long did it take before you suggested to the Mrs to watch some porn on the new TV?
PS: My woman loves the HDTV as well. Man Vs. Wild and football is what sold her.
ReplyDeleteNot porn though, she didn't want to see anything on anybody THAT clearly.
"oh! so that's what an anal wart looks like up close!"
ReplyDeleteYeah, HD-Porn was a REAL eye-opening disappointment. Razor burn, heat rash, and every single chapped pastrami ridge...blech. I only watch porn in 10 minute bursts anyway, I'll stick to streaming feeds. They're free, anyway.
ReplyDeleteAdd my girlfriend to the "It doesn't look any different to me" list as well. I wanted to slap her when she said that. "Look! Looook!!! LOOOOOOOOK!!!!!!"
Planet Earth. Pfft.
ReplyDeleteUntil you've seen a great white shark leap ten feet out of the water, chomp a seal down with one bite, and flip onto his back in slo-motion and high-definition, you haven't seen a damn thing.
I could watch that in HD all day long.
Otto, you forgot the part where the shark shows off his package to us as he enters the water.
ReplyDelete@ ottoman
ReplyDeleteThat exact moment in Planet Earth was when I fell in love with my HD. That, and when the guys were base jumping into that cave in Borneo. Both were completely tits...
Anyway, as great as HD is it can be scary as shit too. Sarah Jessica Parker and Teri Hatcher both look like wax monsters in HD. Every time I walk in the room and my wife is watching Sex and the City reruns, I run away screaming.
dear new tv guy. if the program you were watching had the 'side logos', then what you were watching was not HD. however, congrats on the new tv.
ReplyDeletelove,
random guy
Bet Simmons never told the Mrs. to shut the f up.
ReplyDeleteTake that Simmons.
Lofa was quite measty on Sunday.
ReplyDeleteBDD, congratulations on leaving my slack ass in the stone age. My solution to wife problems concerning HDTV, and all other things making my life miserable, is alcohol and divorce. 314 days and counting. Damned NC divorce laws.
A third vote for that shark destroying seal scene as the most awesome moment in HD ever. It was most meastly.
ReplyDeleteThe first moment I saw in clear HD was a wide, projected shot of the screaming fans inside Arrowhead Stadium on DirecTV Sunday Ticket HD opening day of the NFL season. I'm not even a Chiefs fan, and this was a life-changing religious experience for me. Now, watching the NFL any other way seems like I'm looking underwater.
So what Model TV did you end up getting? I'm intrigued.
ReplyDeleteI have an old ass tv that sucks balls. But sadly I don't have any tv feeds, so it matters less.
I invited a girl I was dating over to watch the season finale of Prison Break in HD and full DD surround sound. She said she really couldn't tell the difference. We're not going out anymore. Whore.
ReplyDeleteI think I will choose my future wife on whether or not she can tell the difference between non-HD and HD.
Do you think the TiVo Series3 is worth $600?
Now, watching the NFL any other way seems like I'm looking underwater.
ReplyDeleteAgreed. Whenever I have to flip over to the low-def game now, it looks like I'm watching a classic matchup between the Canton Bulldogs against the Kenosha Maroons. I keep waiting for the announcer to make a comment about President Coolidge.
Tatupu meast? What, the guy caught three passes that hit him right in the numbers. He wasn't even covered!
ReplyDeleteI think the first time I saw HD, McNabb threw up on the field.
For my part, DVD quality porn is scary enough. I think if I had HD porn I'd have to take my glasses off. But then what am I going to wear for eye protection?
I think every man with an HDTV and a wife experienced the same thing at some point. My wife...hell, even my 10 yr old daughter still question "What was wrong with the other TV?" "Why do we need a new TV?" What's wrong with these women?
ReplyDeleteMy living room is over 300 sq. feet! What's the best fit for that room: the old 27" JVC tube or the new 46" 1080p Samsung LCD w/ HD Sunday Ticket goodness??? Now, I can see Deuce McAllister's look of disappointment on the sideline every time Bush fumbles or does some silly move instead of going through the damn hole.
My wife took back the first HD tv we bought because it wasn't big enough.
ReplyDeleteGod, I love that woman.
I just purchased a sony xbr4 using my law school student loans. The fiance wasn't too happy, but, wow, playing my PS3 on it is like playing a whole new system. And Transformers (even on regular DVD) looks like I am lookout out a window, not at a TV...
ReplyDeleteI think if I had HD porn I'd have to take my glasses off. But then what am I going to wear for eye protection?
ReplyDeleteA condom. Duh.
Still working the Sony WEGA warhorse myself.
ReplyDeleteBut I don't know how people live without a DVR anymore.
Greatest. Television. Advancement. Ever.