It's been announced that St. Louis Rams quarterback Marc Bulger has finally passed his neuropsych evaluation thus allowing him to play this Sunday. The passed test comes just in time, seeing as how venerable (F'real!) backup Gus Frerotte has been ruled out of action. The only other quarterback on the roster is one Brock Berlin, whose career famously peaked at the age of 17.
Thanks to our reputation as idealistic upholders of journalistic integrity KSK was invited to observe Bulger's most recent examination. So grab yourself a handful of Junior Mints and join us for this unprecedented insider's look...
Dr. Spaceman: Alright Marc, we're going to do this evaluation just like last week, only this time I'm sober-ish.
Bulger: Have we met?
Dr. Spaceman: Yes, we met here last week. This session will be more of the same, I'm just going to ask you a series of simple questions and your answers will tell us whether or not you can play on Sunday. Do you understand?
Bulger: Of course coach, I'm ready to go. Put me in the game!
Dr. Spaceman: I'm not your coach Marc, I'm your doctor. Your coaches have asked that I evaluate your brain function to determine your playing status. Do you understand?
Bulger: (nods head) Snausage.
Dr. Spaceman: Sounds like a "yes" to me. They certainly are delicious. So do you remember where you were when you sustained the initial injury?
Bulger: Azerbaijan.
Dr. Spaceman: Close enough. Have you noticed any unexplainable odors since the injury?
Bulger: I smell music.
Dr. Spaceman: Yes, I too am a man of the arts. Any unusual flavors?
Bulger: I taste gravity.
Dr. Spaceman: (pulls a handful of multi-colored pills from his pocket, swallows half of them and presents the other half to Bulger) These should help.
Bulger: (downs all the pills at once) Not bad. Was your hair always that melty?
Dr. Spaceman: Good question...but let's try to focus on my questions now.
Bulger: Fire away.
Dr. Spaceman: When the coach tells you throw the slant to Torry Holt what will you do?
Bulger: Take the sack.
Dr. Spaceman: You're good as new!
To be fair, Bulger is addicted to smelling salts.
ReplyDeleteEven funnier is that I still think they'll win this week. It must suck being a sports fan in Cincinnati.
ReplyDeleteTake the fall!
ReplyDeleteAct hurt!
Get indignant!
One more time!
/Bombay'd
Brock Berlin to the rescue! He did have that one comeback against Florida while at Miami!!!
ReplyDeleteGreat Seinfeld reference, too!
No way is Brock Berlin a real name.
ReplyDeleteMaj watches 30 rock?
ReplyDeleteQS - Let me correct your comment. You mean "Cincinnati Sport's Fan". I am an follower of all that is Pittsburgh Sports in the city of Cinnamon Chili. Therefore I will find it wholly amusing when Bulger and he merry men feast upon the Bungles.
ReplyDeleteAlso, St. Louis gave back some 500 tickets for the game and they are now going for less than face value on secondary outlets. Cinci Fan = Bandwagoneers.
Bulger like ball, ball go bouncy bouncy.
ReplyDeleteSuck on deeeeez nuts.
Because it's not worth winning if you can't win big!
ReplyDelete"What's with all the blood?"
ReplyDelete"Oh, this? It's nothing. Lawrence Phillips was having a costume party. And he attacked me, so I stabbed him."
Boy, it's crazy to think we used to settle questions of paternity by dunking a woman in water until she admitted she made it all up. Different time, the sixties.
ReplyDeleteMelty hair and Azerbaijan in the same post is seriously the greatest work ever. Kudos.
ReplyDeleteAre you SURE Bulger is alive?
ReplyDeleteSo Brock Berlin is a fantasy lock this weekend, right?
ReplyDelete...but I never see 'em fing.
ReplyDeleteBulger: Dr Spaceman, you are really Mike Martz, aren't you?
ReplyDeleteDr Spaceman: No, silly, Martz is "head coach" of the Detroit Lions now.
Bulger: Detroit? hahahahahahaha. Now they can tease their fans and almost make the play-offs but always fail (sometimes spectacularly) as well! hee hee hee *blacks out*
That was some of the funniest shit I've read in quite some time.
ReplyDeleteReminds me of an old National Lampoon bit of Mrs. Agnew's diary when she smoded grass. Or the Mad Magazine diary of an acid trip.
"Somebody taps me on the broccoli"
Way too funny.
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ReplyDeleteDr. Spaceman is very serious about doctor/patient confidentiality, so he's going to have to ask that all of us keep this to ourselves.
ReplyDeletebrock berlin is gonna kick your ass.
ReplyDeleteBulger just needs more animal blood.
ReplyDelete